DIABOLICAL: Evil Schemes Done Better

The new scripted comedy podcast from the team behind DIABOLICAL, coming soon.

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“Juicy action in the future”

The panel of peril do what no other man has done before them and hoverboard over a small body of water, thereby proving themselves Best At Hoverboarding. To celebrate, they watch a film which fails to portray such a successful act, Back To The Future Part II (Robert Zemeckis, 1989) with this week’s guest Darin Lundberg of NostalgiaCast. Happy Christmas!

Marty McFly (Michael J. Fox) has been dragged back to the far flung future of 2015 by wild-haired oldster Doc Brown (Christopher Lloyd) to unintentionally cause chaos in the past! Whilst trying...

“I’m fond of the Loch Ness Monster but not enough to jizz”

The panel of peril stand before boardroom, magic marker in hand, and write “PANEL OF PERILS” on the whiteboard. They then turn the S into a $, and the rest is history. To celebrate a successful bit o’ business, they watch this week’s film Aliens (James Cameron, 1986).

Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) wakes up from a decades-long cryo-sleep only to find herself pushed back into conflict with the xenomorph$ she encountered aboard the Nostromo. Accompanied by Weyland-Yutani rep Carter Burke (Paul Reiser) and a band of Colo...

“Silly old sod* (*General Zod)”

The panel of peril emerge from their fortress of solitude (the toilet), wherein they have lost quite a lot of their own power (…). With their last ounce of strength, they pop themselves onto a comfy chair to watch this week’s film Superman II (Richard Lester, 1980).

Superman/Clark Kent (Christopher Reeve) has settled into life in Metropolis in fine style maintaining his dual identity of clumsy reporter and messiah figure with aplomb. But when he chucks a bomb into space and releases his father’s arch enemies, led by General Zod (Terenc...

“My gut says, absolutely bang on”

The panel of peril take some time out from whittling chess pieces out of small rocks to watch this week’s cinematic classic, The Shawshank Redemption (Frank Darabont, 1994).

After being sentenced to life in prison for the murder of his wife, Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins) makes both friends (Red, as played by Morgan Freeman) and enemies (Warden Norton played by Bob Gunton and Captain Hadley played by Clancy Brown). But when the former financial banker becomes invaluable to the screws, they will do anything to keep him behind bars – even whe...

“I remember feet”

The panel of peril very calmly walk into a room, just a normal room mind you, to watch this week’s film Panic Room (David Fincher, 2002).

Recent divorcee Meg Altman (Jodie Foster) and her daughter Sarah (Kristen Stewart) are house hunting in the affluent brownstones of New York City. Deciding upon a grand, old building – complete with an old service lift, and state of the art panic room – the ladies settle in for the first night in a new home with wine and take out. Little do they know that three armed robbers (J...

“Takes a good eight minutes to burn a crumpet, I reckon”

The panel of peril take an ill-advised detour to a town that they have been told to never visit, a town so run-down and dilapidated that man dare not tread: Rhyl. Still, they must go, for they have a film screening to catch: Silent Hill (Christophe Gans, 2006).

Rose (Radha Mitchell), Christopher (Sean Bean) and Sharon (Jodelle Ferland) are a family troubled by nightmares of a ghost town named Silent Hill. When Rose decides the best course of action is to visit said town with Shar...

“Just don't go anywhere, that's the best thing”

The panel of peril walk home because, save for the off chance of a piano falling from a great height onto your head, it is statistically the safest form of travel. That fact is born out by this week’s film, Duel (Steven Spielberg, 1971).

David Mann (Dennis Weaver) is a middle-aged salesman driving across the Mojave desert for an important meeting. It’s a long drive, very hot, his wife (Jacqueline Scott) is none too happy with him at the moment, and to compound all of that he has ra...

“Let’s not be centaur-mental about this”

The panel of peril lay down their trusty jackhammers after a hard day’s graft at the old concrete factory. They’ll have a quick shower and pop this week’s film into their frontal cortex… it’s Total Recall (Paul Verhoeven, 1990).

Doug Quaid (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is an ordinary Earth-bound schmo-hawk who dreams of a more exciting life… on Mars. Fortunately, memory implantation company Rekall have the means to make Quaid think he was, in fact, a secret agent… on Mars. But unfortunately for him, it turns out he already was a secre...

“I'll be downstairs, asleep, without my head on”

The panel of peril tie their hair in a couple of lovely plaits and don some fetching red slip-ons to watch this week’s film Return To Oz (Walter Murch, 1985).

Dorothy (Fairuza Balk) is plagued by memories of the wonderful land of Oz, and as such is completely unable to sleep. Shipped off to a suspiciously creepy ‘clinic’ by her well-meaning Aunt Em (Piper Laurie), Dorothy soon embarks on a magical journey back to the titular fantasy land. But our plucky heroine is shocked to find that things have...

“When I say Hollywood, I mean it in the loosest possible terms”

The panel of peril go backpacking through the harsh terrain of the North Wales, where nothing of any real consequence happens to them. Just as well, as they have a filmic date to get to as they have matched with Wolf Creek 2 (Greg McLean, 2013).

The Australian Outback too attracts many such backpackers. Such as Rutger (Phillippe Klaus) and Katarina (Shannon Ashlyn), visiting from Germany, who find themselves in their own personal Heaven. Soon to turn into Hell! Psychopathic, xenophobic, wildlife gamekeeper Mick Taylor (John...

“Why would you pre-make pancake batter?”

The panel of peril take a large glug from a strong bottle of something hidden within a brown bag as they trudge downtown. They’re on their way home to watch this week’s film, Little Shop Of Horrors (Frank Oz, 1986).

Seymour (Rick Moranis) and Audrey (Ellen Greene) are two unlucky-in-love florists assistants hoping for a better future, away from their dead-end jobs and Skid Row digs. Their luck appears to be in when Seymour brings a wonderful new species of plant – dubbed Audrey II (Levi Stubbs) into the store and...

“Yippie ki yay, mother pucker”

The panel of peril successfully extinguish a housefire, with absolutely NO casualties, thereby proving themselves better than the lead of this week’s film. That star is Jean Claude Van Damme, that film is Sudden Death (Peter Hyams, 1995), and our guest at this time is the Editor of Empire Magazine and author of The Last Action Heroes, Nick De Semlyen.

Darren McCord (JCVD) is a disgraced (?) former firefighter getting by working at his local ice hockey stadium as a safety marshall. Treating his kids to tickets to the Stanley Cup finals...

“No one smells what space smells like when you scream… in space”

A theremin plays that one thing that it can do in the background as the panel of peril walk through a small graveyard filled with (five or six) wobbly tombstones. They are searching for the screening room for this week’s film Plan 9 From Outer Space (Ed Wood, 1957).

In what some have dubbed the ‘worst film ever made’, SEE! zombies rise from the grave (Bela Lugosi, Vampira, Tor Johnson)! WATCH! in horror as they slowly shamble about killing the living and that! VIEW! the alien spac...

“I think they deserved to die, if that’s what killed ‘em”

The panel of peril fall a small distance from a rickety bridge into a shallow river and arrive home soaking wet! They are sopping wet, but otherwise fine – thus their viewing of Beetlejuice (Tim Burton, 1988) shall commence as planned!

When the Deetz family (Catherine O’Hara, Winona Ryder) move from the city into a new home they plan to do what new homeowners always do – redocrate, remodel, redesign. But little do they know that the house is home to it supernatural former residents the Maitlands...

“Stay in your lane, Heston”

The panel of peril feed their cats (cat food). They next feed their dogs. Finally… finally… they are ready to watch this week’s film Cats & Dogs (Lawrence Guterman, 2001). They are joined by Harley Mumford from Fandomentals podcast, who has also just fed his dog.

A look at the top-secret, high-tech espionage war going on between cats and dogs, of which their human owners are blissfully unaware, Cats & Dogs features a talented voice cast including Tobey Maguire, Alec Baldwin, Sean Hayes and Joe Pantoliano. Which species shall win this particular war? Whoev...

“He's a digital Deliveroo driver”

The Panel of Peril are well used to jacking a load of information into the old grey matter. Therefore, this week’s task shall pose them no problem – yes, it’s Johnny Mnemonic (Robert Longo, 1995).

The year 2021: the NAS epidemic sweeps the world, and our Johnny (Keanu Reeves) is a sought-after data courier, smuggling illicit information across borders and shielding it against the shady corporations who seek to abuse it. But when he overloads his memory capacity he faces a race against time to extract the info and escape the Yakuza, he...

“At least one of them is a luge chase, so wind your neck in”

The Panel of Peril resign their posts in disgust at being told they aren’t allowed to do whatever the heck they please. Fortunately, their secretary has swapped out their resignation letter for a letter requesting time off to watch many, many films. They shall begin with this week’s film, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (Peter R. Hunt, 1969).

James Bond (George Lazenby) is a man obsessed. Obsessed with locating, and capturing, his arch nemesis Blofeld (Telly Savalas) after several prior clos...

“Not the worst thing Christopher Cain has produced”

The Panel of Peril are rootin’. They’re also prone to a little bit of tootin’. Put ‘em together, and we got ourselves a rootin’ tootin’ good time as we watch this week’s film, Young Guns (Christopher Cain, 1988).

Loosely based on the adventures of Billy The Kid (Emilio Estevez) - and featuring fellow Brat Pack alumni Charlie Sheen, Lou Diamond Phillips and Kiefer Sutherland - the boys, and father figure John Tunstall (Terence Stamp) try to prevent the stealing of their bovine property by beef baron Murphy (Jack Palanc...

“This was supposed to be our prestige episode”

The panel of peril go to the bathroom and lock themselves in a stall and check how sweaty their pits are. Very. They’re very, very sweaty. No wonder, as they face a goliath in this week’s film: Michael Clayton (Tony Gilroy, 2007).

Michael (George Clooney) is a self-described janitor who cleans up messes on behalf of clients for a prestigious New York law firm. A law firm currently in the midst of defending against a $3bn lawsuit against pesticide manufacturers U-North. All is not well, however, as the c...

“The one thing he needed to do to not f__k it up was not be a nonce”

The panel of peril strap on some rollerblades and take to the skies! They go about a bit, you knowwww, before tiring of that nonsense and having a nice sit to watch this week’s film Jupiter Ascending (The Wachowskis, 2015). They are joined by video essayist Delaney Jordan!

Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) is an ordinary Joe/Jupiter… or is she? Could it be that she is actually Queen of the Universe?! Yes, she is. Finding herself at the centre...

“I’ll be the Danny Ocean of stealing from children”

The panel of peril don their blazer, matching shorts, and matching caps and pretend to be children whilst watching this week’s film Clifford (Paul Flaherty, 1994). They are joined by their new friend: Seth Vargas from Movie Friends Podcast!

Clifford (Martin Short) is precocious little so and so. He’s fond of annoying his parents into an early grave, splitting up ostensibly happy couples, and, of course, show tunes! But when the young tyke is fobbed off on his Uncle Martin (Charles Grodin), Clifford spies an opportun...

“So many of my plans have been undone by Antonio Banderas”

The panel of peril stand in the corner of the room, in the shadows, waiting for a chance to strike at their prey. They’re not home. They’ve gone on holiday for three weeks. Damn. Instead, they decide to watch this week’s film The Batman (Matt Reeves, 2022).

The Batman (Robert Pattinson) is, once again, starting out on his career path of borderline psychotic vigilante. Taking out street gangs pushing Gotham’s drug of choice, monitoring the local mafia along with James Gordon (Jeffrey Wrigh...

“Live fast, die young, leave a terrible-looking Smurf-corpse”

The panel of peril pull up at their local Netto, shove as much tinned goods, AKs, ammo, and Bolinger into their shopping trolley/wheelbarrow as they can, before holing up to watch this week’s film Dawn Of The Dead (George A. Romero, 1978).

The (zombie) apocalypse is here! Ken Foree, David Emgee, Gaylen Ross and Scott H. Reiniger play a quartet determined to not only survive, but thrive in this new world filled with shambling, hungry, animated corpses. Taking refuge in a shopping mall, they live a life of...

“Don’t slate broccoli”

The panel of peril stub out their cigarette, cigar, and pipe under the heel of their cowboy boot and head into a convenience store that is showing this week’s film, Loaded Weapon 1 (Gene Quintano, 1993), for some reason.

Detectives Colt (Emilio Estevez) and Luger (Samuel L Jackson) are the prototypical chalk + cheese = dynamite buddy cop team. Colt is a tortured soul who dines on microwave burritos and laments the loss of his precious dog Claire. Luger is the family man who dines on take out pizza ‘round the table with his ‘loving’ fami...

“De Palma knows, the old saying goes”

Our name is Possible, Mission: Impossible, license to watch the film Mission: Impossible directed by cinematic genius Brian De Palma (1996). And that my friends is our impossible mission (impossible). And we did it.

An elite IMF team led by Jim Phelps (Jon Voight) has come a serious cropper trying to secure a non-official cover (NOC) list, which could potentially reveal the entire Impossible Mission Force’s workforce, locations, and names. The team are double-crossed in Prague eliminating Sarah (Kristin Scott Thomas), Jack (Emilio Estevez) et al leaving just Ethan...

“If you’ve got a better way to do it, I’d like to hear it”

The panel of peril are dancing down the street stark naked, with only conveniently placed every-day items covering their ghoulies and that. They got the idea, and carefully choreographed it, from this week’s film Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (Jay Roach, 1997). This week, they are joined by Craig from Whit’s The Script podcast!

Arch enemies Austin Powers (Mike Myers) and Dr. Evil (Mike Myers) are inexorably linked, as so many arch enemies are. So when Dr. Evil has him...

“Like an alien Kinder Egg”

The panel of peril are playing chess in the park with their father and losing badly, very sad. They are interrupted by an enormous screen descending from the heavens covering the city that they are currently in in its entirety. Fortunately, the giant screen is showing this week’s film Independence Day (Roland Emmerich, 1996). Huzzah!

Steven Hiller (Will Smith), David Levinson (Jeff Goldblum) and Thomas J. Whitmore (Bill Pullman) are the original odd triple. One’s a hot shot, top gun fighter pilot, one’s a nerd, and t’other is President...

“Ya been cream pied”

The panel of peril are out shooting some hoops, only stopping to berate their teammates for their lack of reflexes and general playing skill. Giving up they retire to the indoor communal area to watch this week’s film One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest (Milos Forman, 1975).

McMurphy (Jack Nicholson) is a ne’er-do-well with a cunning scheme to serve out the remainder of his prison sentence in a mental health institution. Once safely ensconced in his new abode, McMurphy becomes chummy with his fellow patients: Billy (Brad Dourif), Cheswick (Sydney Las...

“Tia Carrera’s career was ruined by Tia Maria”

Sweaty-browed and cramped of hand, the Panel of Peril draw furiously in real-time each and every frame of this week’s film Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (Bruce Timm and Eric Radomski, 1993). Soon they shall break for a feast of marshmallows; they have earned it.

Bruce Wayne (Kevin Conroy) has lived with the trauma of his parents’ death since he was a young boy. Andrea Beaumont (Dana Delany) has lived with the trauma of her father’s death since she and Bruce had a whirlwind romance and brief en...

“She had the longest neck in the history of actors”

The Peril of Peril arrive in Los Angeles, bright eyed and bushy-tailed. Everyone loves them because they’re brilliant, and they make fast friends with an amnesiac who tells them to watch this week’s film Mulholland Drive (David Lynch, 2001). A Cowboy watches them as they watch the film.

Betty (Naomi Watts) is an actress who is sure to feature on all the hottest casting lists in LA. She is great. But when she gets drawn into the mystery surrounding the amnesiac ‘Rita’ (Laura Harring), the twosome f...

“Talladega Nights gets a lot better after you've seen Rise of Skywalker, that's for sure”

The Panel of Peril run and gun all your favourite film and video games characters in one fluid motion, before removing their VR headset in order to watch this week’s film. That film is Ready Player One (Steven Spielberg, 2018), and they are joined by Kevin and Jason from KJ & A Podcast!

Wade Watts (Tye Sheridan) is just like most people in the year 2045; he gets through the day any way he can before escaping to the virtual reality of the OASI...

“It’s like a meet-cute for two people who already met some time ago”

The Panel of Peril go to the travel agents to book themselves a lovely holiday. Their conditions for travel are thus: nice weather, entertainment provided by British reggae band, and strictly no terrorists. While the agent searches for the ideal trip, they watch this week’s film Speed 2: Cruise Control (Jan De Bont, 1997). Peering over their shoulder to join in the watch party is this week’s guest, Kris Tapley from the 50MPH Pod!

How can kind of a similar thing happen to...

“Mr. Bond, you appear with the tedious inevitability of an unloved season”

The Panel of Peril saunter through a small mining town in their fancy BMW, before being inexplicably arrested for not stopping at an intersection. Swiftly tried and convicted, they are sentenced to watch this week’s movie Nothing But Trouble (Dan Aykroyd, 1991). They are joined in this gross punishment by this week’s guest, Jesse Hawken from the Junk Filter Pod!

Chris Thorne (Chevy Chase) is a financial publisher who just wants to impress solicitor Diane Lightson (Demi Moore) by driving her, and two Braz...

“Is he just horny?”

The Panel of Peril climb a big ol’ mountain to claim a mythical prize to aid them in their epic quest. That prize is a DVD of this week’s film; that quest is to watch that DVD, which is this week’s film Krull (Peter Yates, 1983). Upon climbing back down the mountain, they are met well by this week’s guest panel member, Matt Spectro!

Prince Colwyn (Ken Marshall) and Lyssa (Lysette Anthony) are happily betrothed to be married, after which they will rule over the planet Krull, presumably with a lavender f...

“Surprise! Butcher’s hook up your nostril”

The Panel of Peril start creepily speaking Latin, wield small, sharp weapons at one another, but thankfully stop short of gouging their own eyes out. They’ll be needing those to watch this week’s film Event Horizon (Paul WS Anderson, 1997).

The crew of the Lewis & Clark are your typical blue-collar bunch. Miller (Laurence Fishburne), Starck (Joely Richardson), Smith (Sean Pertwee) are not best pleased when they are sent on a shaggy dog mission to recover the long-lost mega-ship the Event Horizon. The ship’s creator Weir (Sam Neill) is al...

“That's what you get for inviting audience participation”

The Panel of Peril slip out of their wet clothes and into a dry martini, before taking a pew to watch this week’s film The Man With The Golden Gun (Guy Hamilton, 1974).

Has James Bond (Roger Moore) met his match in the charming, villainous and charmingly villainous Francisco Scaramanga (Christopher Lee)? As the world’s best secret agent (that’s Bond) and the world’s most expensive assassin are pitted against one another, can 007 stop the world being held to ransom by the selling of Scaramanga’s nefarious So...

“You simply must introduce me to that pile of rats”

The panel of peril down a big glass of red wine and eat a plate of delicious, steamed broccoli and roasted garlic before taking in this week’s film Bram Stoker’s Dracula (Francis Ford Coppola, 1992).

Count Dracula (Gary Oldman) is an elderly gent rattling around in his large home, pining after his lost love Elisabeta (Winona Ryder). When solicitor Jonathon Harker (Keanu Reeves) turns up at his gaff to seal a London property deal, he sees that Harker’s bride to be Mina Murray (also Ryder) i...

“A haiku?”

Fighting their way past a load of goons, down a narrow corridor, the panel of peril struggle to make any headway. Finally finishing off the last of the lads (no laughing at the back there!), they slump in their chair exhausted and watch this week’s film Oldboy (Park Chan-wook, 2003).

Oh Dae-su (Choi Min-sik) is a bit of a d-bag. A drunken, irresponsible, womanising d-bag, to be specific. When he is inexplicably locked up in a single room for 15 years, by a cash-rich lad named Lee Woo-jin (Yoo Ji-tae) as it turns out, he cha...

“Here lies Will Carling, the rugby guy who sh@gg3d Diana”

The panel of peril try to wrangle their pigs into the pigpen but repeatedly fall over and get all muddy. They shower off at the water hole and decide to watch a film instead: Unforgiven (Clint Eastwood, 1992).

1880: Ex-outlaw Bill Munny (Eastwood) was a bad, bad man before settling down and becoming a family man. He’d happily off women and children in his pursuit of dough alongside buddy Ned Logan (Morgan Freeman), and now he is drawn back into that world by the Schofi...