Magellans at the Movies

AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Ahem. Excuse me, I was just having a frightening dream in which Gordon Ramsey kept viciously criticizing my cooking and then I looked down and realized I was trying to feed him a miniature version of myself. Now, you may hear that and think the problem is rooted in psychology, or perhaps an undigested bit of beef, but in point of fact you only reveal your own ignorance with such ridiculous hypotheses, for the truth is that I was astral projecting into a world of ghosts and ghouls, a strange realm in which the spirits of dead rip...

Word of advice if you’re in a horror movie: never relocate. Even if your house is a dilapidated, rat-infested ruin I can all but guarantee that it’s preferable to whatever murder site, former Indian burial ground, or creepy hotel you’re considering for your next residence. If you’re not convinced, just ask the new folks on the block in Sinister, a 2012 horror flick directed by Scott Derrickson. This spook-tacular saga of snuff films and Babylonian boogiemen was a moderate success with critics and a bash at the box office, and has since enjoyed a cultural staying power ex...

It may seem strange now, but there was a time when advanced life on Mars was a serious scientific contention. Supposed canals on the red planet's surface filled the imaginations of academics and entertainers alike with exotic alien societies, incredible technologies, and of course, lots and lots and lots of Martian hotties eager for the company of big, strapping Earthmen. That's how we came to have a crop of Mars fiction in the late 1800s to early 1900s, one of the more successful being Edgar Rice Burroughs' A Princess of Mars, a 1912 book adapted one hundred years later into...

Privacy can be hard to come by these days. Whether it’s nosy neighbors, intrusive family members, or the ever present eye of avaricious corporations gobbling up your personal data so they can charge you more for watermelons, the obstacles preventing modern man from a moment to himself are numerous and ubiquitous. Still, it could always be worse, after all the televisions could be watching us, right? Oh, wait. Well, anyways, things still haven’t gone full 1984 quite yet, as you can see when you watch, well, 1984, released in, wouldn’t ya know it, 1984 and directed by Michael Radford from t...

Arguments. Some people have them just constantly, and always at such a volume as to include everyone within a two mile radius in the dispute, whether they like it or not. The bellicose characters of A Streetcar Named Desire, a 1951 drama directed by Elia Kazan and based on the play by Tennessee Williams, have lots of disagreements, but the frequency with which they altercate has done nothing to repel generations of critics and audiences. Indeed, this tale of madness and mendacity in the American south has only increased its popularity since its already-rapturous release, but will the movie’s st...

Video games. One of the most ubiquitous and profitable mediums of entertainment in the world right now and the core personality trait of the most annoying person you know, video games represent a relatively new frontier in popular culture, which may be why so many of the most popular games, even from the form's inception, have tied their appeal to movies. The allure of inhabiting a world much like those which exist in your favorite movies gives developers a built-in selling point, hence franchises like Resident Evil, a series of survival horror action games drawing heavily from the classics...

Did you ever get the feeling you were being . . . watched? That a thousand eyes behind a thousand cameras were tracking your every move, broadcasting your life to unknown observers for unknown purposes? It's not that you live in the rapacious surveillance state that is modern America; you must be starring in The Truman Show! This voyeuristic dramedy from director Peter Weir released in 1998 and captured the imaginations of critics and audiences alike with its prescient vision of celebrity obsession and the unending search for authenticity in a performative world. But will the movie achieve self-awareness amid a crowd of...

Superheroes. In comic books they’re cool, colorful men and women dispensing righteous justice to an eclectic cast of goofy supervillains. Yet, what would the paragons of costumed courage look like if translated from page to reality? What kind of personality would it take to theme oneself after cowboys or whatever and hit the streets to beat up dognappers? These are the questions posed by Watchmen, an acclaimed, beloved graphic novel by [REDACTED], Dave Gibbons, and John Higgins. Long considered the pinnacle of comics, this violent, satirical examination of the strange thought process behind masked vigilantism came into the si...

Space, basketball, and cartoons. Is there any more beloved combination in the grand halls of the cinematic medium? Everyone has their own personal favorites of the astronomical animated alley-oop genre, but few would argue that the tradition’s most notorious example came to us in the 1996 classic Space Jam, directed by Joe Pytka and based on Looney Tunes, and also a commercial? The idea’s inception is unimportant, what does matter is that this mashup of NBA legend Michael Jordan and animation legend Bugs Bunny and his cohort is, as far as unvarnished commercials pretending to be movies go, well...

Cars go vroom, explosions go boom. Such is the organizational motto, founding principle, and indeed core appeal of The Fast and the Furious, a wildly successful series of car crime movies which gradually devolved into Marvel without explicitly acknowledged superpowers. From a little movie about street racing and high speed heists based on a Vibe article to not so little movies about saving the world from a wide selection of vague macguffins, our central gang of lovable stereotypes have driven, flown, and fought across ELEVEN FREAKING MOVIES to the delight of audiences everywhere. It’s not international criminal masterminds th...

Why do I have to tell you who Spider-Man is? Have you seriously never heard of him, even if you haven’t seen this movie? I have better things to do than explain the deal with one of the most popular characters in all of fiction, or the details of one of his most iconic and recognizable screen outings. You want to know more? Look it up. I’m going to bed.

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Hair. Where? Here, there, and everywhere! What am I jabbering about? Why Rapunzel, of course, the heroine with uncommonly blessed follicles most famously seen on screen in Tangled, a 2010 animated adventure directed by Nathan Greno and Byron Howard, based on the fairy tale by . . . you know that’s actually somewhat complicated so let’s just say the Brothers Grimm. It’s a Disney princess movie, folks, and that means bright colors, songs of questionable necessity, and animals who, if they can’t talk, are still clearly sapient. Just because Tangled fits snugly within the Disney tradition doesn’t mean that it’s...

Neighbors. Whether they’re polka dancing in the apartment above yours or inexplicably mowing the lawn at five in the morning, the people living over, under, and around us can be difficult. And yet of the many irritating scenarios you’ve no doubt experienced with them, I don’t think any neighbors have posed a greater challenge to Jesus’ most famous rule than the next-door extraterrestrials of District 9, a 2009 science fiction film directed by Neill Blomkamp. This brainy, grimy genre mashup imagined first contact as less of an existential and more of a humanitarian (alienarian?) crisis. It was a refreshi...

There’s no business like show business. Actually, I think there’s at least a couple businesses in which clueless narcissists and incompetent money men make fools of themselves both privately and professionally for the viewing pleasure of the masses, but perhaps none in environs so strenuous as Hollywood. Yes, the men and women behind the movies have to kill themselves in cutthroat work so contentious you might even say it’s . . . murder. At least that’s the case for the characters of The Player, a 1992 film directed by Robert Altman and based on the book by Michael Tolkin (no relat...

I don't like alcohol. It's bitter and unhealthy, and it gets everywhere . . . you know, if you spill it. No sir, alcohol has never been for me, and indeed its popularity is on the decline across the U.S. these days. There was a time, however, when Americans were bonkers for beer, so much so that, when a passionate group of dissenters from this overwhelming liquor love instituted a nationwide ban, many were even willing to break the law to have a taste. Hence the rise of bootleggers, and further hence the events chronicled in The Untouchables, a 1987 crime drama...

What a nightmare it is to commute. To trudge in a great column of drones into the stone bellies of banks, firms, offices, and workshops only to retake your place in the same procession filtering back to homes where you eat, sleep, and prepare to do it all again. Yes, getting to work and going home can be a joyless affair, but at least we can thank our lucky stars the man at the toll booth doesn’t try to lock us in a cave to be devoured one by one. But that is just one of the many ob...

Everyone loves an underdog story, and no unlikely triumph gets audiences on their feet like those shocking upsets which unfold in sports. The victory of the Earthy Lovable Small Town Spotted Toads over the Arrogant Wealthy Big City Polar Bears is certain to move make you a Spotted Toad fan for life because the inspiring, uplifting story is so hard to resist. What's true in real life is often true in movies as well, which is why we have films like Hoosiers, a 1986 sports drama directed by David Anspaugh and based(ish)on the successes of the 1954 season of...

Ah, the heady days of youth, throwing action figures down stairwells and smashing armies of toy soldiers together in shocking displays of poor generalship. You may remember these blissful hours fondly, but playtime may carry less nostalgia if you knew that every time you dropped G.I. Joe on his plastic head you were actually committing a grave crime against the health and dignity of a living, feeling creature. That’s right, you vile war criminal, according to Toy Story, a 1995 animated adventure directed by John Lasseter, you shouldn’t be fondly reminiscing about your adolescent adventures, you should be d...

Fernão de Magalhães, or if you’re a lazy, uncultured American, Ferdinand Magellan. He probably isn’t a historical figure to whom you’ve dedicated much thought lately, or, you know, ever. Magalhães’s life and achievements may not make themselves felt in your day to day life, but there’s no denying he impacted history in a significant way. The benefits or harms of that impact, however, are, like literally everything else about history, the subject of impassioned debate. Hence Magellan, a 2025 historical epic directed by Lav Diaz, a man with some pretty strong opinions on this Portu...

Magellans at the Movies. What can I say about this storied institution, this foundational pillar of film criticism that hasn’t been said? More books have been written on the world’s most listened-to podcast than on religion, history, and self-help combined, and yet, the men behind the movies remain a mystery. Who are these two mavericks, these titans? Where do they come from? What divine spirit empowers their globe-spanning enterprises? What, finally, is the secret to their unprecedented success? Well, I guess you’ll have to wait until episode three hundred to find out because for our two hundre...

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when I say the word “sports?” If you said something along the lines of the majesty of the human body in motion, achieving feats of athletic beauty and physical prowess as men and women test the limits of their strength and dexterity, then congratulations . . . on being WRONG, idiot! Sports, like everything else in life, is about getting cold hard cash, something that can be accomplished more easily than ever these days thanks to the explosion of sports betting. Making bank may not be as easy as the commercials want you to thi...

Nathan and Elliot are back at it with their comic misadventures in movie reviewing, this time examining the 1958 Alfred Hitchcock classic Vertigo. Will they be made dizzy with joy by the charms of this thriller romance, or will they nauseously withdraw from the precipice in search of safer ground? Let’s find out!

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Siblings. Can’t live with ‘em, absolutely can live without ‘em, but, unfortunately for those of us who are not criminally minded, circumstances often restrict our options. Life with a brother or sister doesn’t have to be all misery and movie podcasts, however, for some brotherhood comes naturally, as is the case for the titular bros of The Blues Brothers, a 1980 musical comedy directed by John Landis. Adapted from sketches of the glory days of SNL (that’s Saturday Night Live for you uncultured types), this bouncy, melodious fable of fraternal frolicking is both well known and well liked for...

Obsession, it’s what I feel for videos of tortoises eating lettuce and the name of a 2026 horror movie directed by Curry Barker that Magellans at the Movies are reviewing today.

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Malls . . . uh . . . hmmm, that's a tricky one. Malls are no longer the lively, vibrant organisms they once were, after all. The few remaining malls that haven't been torn down shuffle around on rotting legs in a desperate search for sustenance, you might even say the shopping mall has become something like a . . . zombie? That's right, dear listeners, today we are returning to the undead apocalypse by tackling what many would argue represents the absolute zenith of the genre: Dawn of the Dead, a 1978 horror film directed by father of the modern zombie George Romero. Dawn's reputation is that of...

SIMON! GARFUNKEL! SHUT UP ALREADY! Sorry about that, folks, I’m trying to write the description for today’s new episode, but the incessant crooning of everyone’s ninth favorite musical duo haunts my every waking moment and turns my life into a living hell ever since I watched The Graduate, a 1967 romantic comedy directed by Mike Nichols. You may not have seen this classic tale of sordid twists and youthful ennui with its, uh, enthusiastic score provided by the men whose voices now infect my brain like a malignant tumor, but you’re almost certainly familiar with its imagery...

Please stop making me write these descriptions. I’ve never seen a movie in my life. Nathan throws plot descriptions into the pit where he keeps me and just expects me to know how to set up the episode with a few jokes and some basic information. I have a doctorate in applied physics and another in analytical chemistry, I don’t care about movies! If anyone is reading this, please send help. I'm being held in some kind of underground structure, maybe an old coal mine. I can hear cars at all times of the day so it must...

Hello there! How about pigeons, am I right? What’s that? You don’t understand? How unfortunate, you see, that joke is a guaranteed knee-slapper in the standup clubs of Albania, but it seems the witticism’s humor has been lost in translation. Oh my, I see you’ve begun to feel deeply isolated and alienated thanks to the difficulty of culture shock. Perhaps you’ll feel seen by the subject of today’s brand new episode of Magellans at the Movies: Lost in Translation! This 2003 romance/comedy directed by Sofia Coppola is all about the struggle of feeling stranded in...

Space. The final frontier, and the setting for innumerable science fiction books, movies, TV shows, and video games. Space being such a vast and, as far as we know, blank canvas makes it the perfect medium upon which to project stories about ourselves and our place in the universe, a fact of which many properties have taken full advantage, but perhaps none more memorably than Star Trek. Despite the Federation’s first appearance predating the end of the Cold War by decades, this legendary sci-fi franchise is not unknown to Magellans at the Movies. We actually dove into Star Tr...

Welcome to Gotham City. A gloomy den of exotic criminality where the rain is frequent, the people fearful, and the architecture alternatingly Gothic, Art Deco, and, uh, Chicago. Gotham isn't on its own in the fight against evil and inconsistent changing art directors, though; she rests under the protection of the Caped Crusader himself, Batman! The Dark Knight is one of the most recognizable and beloved characters in fiction, and this big broody bat has transcended the pages of comics to reach just about every medium you can think of over the years. There's bat-games, bat-novels, bat-toys, bat-trading cards...

The devil. According to various religious and folkloric traditions this dastardly fellow is in the details, better if you know him, and a beast on the fiddle. What, some bold theologians dare to ask, of his wardrobe? The popular imagination may propose a red suit, but what if he - or she - were to dress in a rather more high class fashion? That’s right, faithful listeners, today Magellans at the Movies will be reviewing The Devil Wears Prada, a 2006 comedy directed by David Frankel and based on the book of the same name by Lauren Weisberger. This fa...

Drugs. When just saying no to them somehow fails, their introduction into your life is likely to bring problems as numerous as they are unpleasant. For those of you unwilling to take the word of Nancy Reagan and Mr. T, a demonstration of the full breadth of addiction’s woes may be what’s needed to keep your seat on the wagon. Thankfully, there are plenty of movies to choose from, one of the most prominent being Requiem for a Dream, a 2000 drama directed by Darren Aronofsky and based on the book of the same name by Hubert Selby Jr...

Today we will review a 2024 James Mangold directed movie called, A Complete Unknown, and honestly? Same. However, you may feel better about your anonymity when you learn that the cost of celebrity is being a two-timing, contrarian, standoffish jerk who looks (and acts) like Anakin Skywalker in Attack of the Clones. Perhaps I’m being harsh. Many people enjoyed this movie charting the ascent of folk-music hero Bob Dylan, enough that it nabbed itself more than a few award nominations. Will it enjoy a similar reception from Magellans at the Movies, or is the film just blowin in the wi...

Law. It’s one of humanity’s oldest, most important systems, boasting manifestations as numerous as they are complex. From the Code of Justinian to those weird, uniform series of books you see on lawyers’ shelves, everyone can agree that the law is important but not popularly understood. In many ways, an impenetrable, interlocking structure of codes, dictates, exceptions, statutes, and other words I’m probably not using right is a little weird when you think about it, a little chaotic, a little alienating, dare I say a little . . . kafkaesque? That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, Magellans at the Movies is...

Math and baseball, who knew they went together like burgers and fries? Probably all those guys with arsenals of complex spreadsheets who end up being the only ones who actually win big in sports betting, but for the rest of us dumb rubes I imagine it came as a surprise. Fortunately, you’re not alone, and if you wish to see how widespread your ignorance truly was, just watch the crow-chowing skeptics of Moneyball, a 2011 sports drama directed by Bennett Miller and based on the book of the same name by Michael Lewis. This statistics-heavy record of the Oakland A’...

William Shakespeare and his vocabulary of thous, thees, and doths has been the delight of literature nerds and the scourge of high school students since before ChatGPT had even sanctioned its first user delusion. Shakespeare is one of the best selling authors in human history (though he’s had a lot of time to build up that lead, to be fair), the most performed playwright in theater, and has been firmly atop the canon of English literature for centuries. Big Bill Shakespeare isn’t just winning on the stage, however, he’s also been adapted for the screen, many times...

The tragic sinking of the RMS Titanic was an event that saw the telling of many stories. Stories of heroism and valor as well as cowardice and ugliness. Unfortunately, none of those stories included a pair of young hotties who could be played by bankable heartthrob stars enjoying a passionate but doomed love affair, so the good people of tinsel town had to step in for the movie version. Titanic, the 1997 historical romance directed by James Cameron, may be more fiction than fact, but that didn’t stop it from achieving legendary success. This fable of the water-borne Babel ra...

As the people in my basement will tell you, in hostage situations as in parties, your host is often the difference between a legendary, all night rager and a brief, unpleasant excursion sure to end in tragedy. Remember: as the one with the gun, you are responsible for the comfort, health, and restraints of your guests, and it takes a sharp, compassionate mind to juggle these responsibilities. Without these factors in mind, things can go south fast, as evidenced by the quirky kidnapping at the heart of Bugonia, a 2025 comedy thriller directed by Yorgos Lanthimos and based on Save...

How many times has it been said? In order to navigate life, you simply must keep a good head on your shoulders. To be fair, this advice makes perfect sense: without a head on your shoulders, you’re sure to both look very silly, make very poor decisions, and be very dead. Or at least that is the lesson of Hereditary, a 2018 horror movie directed by Ari Aster and featuring a cult for whom people walking around with their heads attached is the very height of indecency. This decapitation-obsessed chiller made a big splash on release, terrifying audiences and gu...

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, nerds of all ages, welcome to Magellans at the Movies Film Fight Night! We have an electrifying match for you this evening: a contest that has been raging across fandom for decades, a question that has divided geeks into two factions of noble warriors doing battle on message boards in the name of their preferred champion, a smackdown between two of the most famous, most celebrated, most prolific characters in all of science fiction, that's right Trekkies, for one night only Magellans at the Movies will be an arena in which Captains Kirk...