Myopia Movies

In honor of Dolly Parton, we’re making a detour on our musical month short for a trip to the Chicken Ranch. This week on Myopia Movies, Keiko spends 20 minutes looking up Burt Reynold's banana hammock. We talked The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas! Nic, Emily, and Keiko take on the movie with Dolly as the madam with a heart of gold, Burt Reynolds as the sheriff who loves her, and Dom DeLuise as a crusading TV watchdog with a wig that looks like a glued-on rat. The hosts expected something raunchy. What they got was a sweet, wholesome, sur...

This week we inaugurate a musical month with the music of the night, and its playing slightly flat. This week the Myopia crew goes down into the Paris sewers for Joel Schumacher’s 2005 film of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s mega-musical. Gerard Butler plays a Phantom who sings like he’s yelling at a rugby match. His “hideous deformity” looks a lot like a bad sunburn. Emmy Rossum spends most of the movie looking hypnotized, and Patrick Wilson’s Raoul has the best hair in 19th-century France and charges into every scene on horseback. Minnie Driver steals the show as Carlotta, an...

Button eyes, a suspiciously perfect mother, and a tunnel that definitely should have been left alone. This week we riff on Henry Selick’s stop-motion nightmare-fuel masterpiece, in which a bored kid discovers that the grass is always greener in the Other World, mostly because it’s being grown by a soul-eating arachnid with a sewing hobby.

We cover the things the movie asks us to ignore: why Coraline’s parents have apparently never heard of a “work-life balance,” how the Pink Palace Apartments passed any kind of inspection, and why no adult in this film ever says “mayb...

This week on Myopia Movies, we accept an invitation to Auntie’s house, which is a mistake, because Auntie’s house is hungry.

Nobuhiko Obayashi’s 1977 Japanese horror-comedy follows Gorgeous and her six schoolmates (Kung Fu, Prof, Fantasy, Melody, Mac, and Sweetie, because subtlety was not on the call sheet) as they head to the countryside for a summer getaway. What awaits them is a sentient house, a murderous piano, a possessed cat, a watermelon with a secret, and special effects that look like a kaleidoscope fell down a flight of stairs. The film was conceived in part w...

Something is rotten in Middleton, and everyone thinks it’s Frances. Pranks are piling up across town, the adults are furious, and the only person who believes her innocent is a childhood imaginary friend who has shown up unannounced with some alarming news: the Boogeyman is real, he’s loose, and he’s framing her.

This week we revisit a Disney Channel Original Movie from the golden age of tweens, slumber parties, and a weirdly high number of adults who refuse to listen to teenagers. We riff on the logic of the Boogeyman’s master plan, the town’s a...

A whole town has vanished. Snowfield, Colorado, is empty except for a few corpses, a ringing phone, and a vibe that says "don't touch anything." Naturally, we touch everything.

This week we riff on Phantoms, the 1998 adaptation of Dean Koontz's horror novel. Two sisters (Joanna Going and Rose McGowan) roll into town and find it deserted. Then they find Sheriff Ben Affleck, who is very serious about all of this. Then a scientist (Peter O'Toole, who is clearly there for the paycheck and the vibes) shows up to explain that the answer is an ancient shapeshifting horror...

Six women charges with murder in Cook County and somehow they're the ones putting on the show. This week we're strapping ourselves into fishnets and existential dread for Rob Marshall's musical about murder, media, and the sweet, sweet payoff of celebrity homicide. Renée Zellweger discovers that shooting your boyfriend is basically an open mic night, Catherine Zeta-Jones proves prison is just improv with worse lighting, and Richard Gere spends two hours doing legal tap-dancing — sometimes literally. Queen Latifah runs the cell block like a landlord who takes cash only, and every single musical number is somebody's fantasy sequence bec...

Nomi Malone wants to dance. She wants it so bad she'll claw, thrust, and pool-vomit her way from a Vegas diner to the top of the Stardust Casino's marquee show — and we're along for every glitter-caked, oddly joyless step of it. Paul Verhoeven and Joe Eszterhas set out to make the ultimate NC-17 spectacle and instead produced one of the most gloriously, bafflingly bad movies ever released by a major studio. We're talking about the lap dances that look like seizures, the dialogue that sounds like it was translated into and out of three other languages, and a steak di...

A movie about a songwriter who is too shy to sing, solved by putting her on a bar in wet jeans. Violet Sanford flees New Jersey for Manhattan with a demo tape and roughly nine dollars, gets robbed, gets hired at a saloon whose entire business model is "hydrate the patrons against their will," and discovers that the cure for stage fright is a crowd of drunk men chanting. Meanwhile her father drives down from the Garden State to yell about it, and Adam Garcia keeps showing up like a Australian golden retriever who learned to make omelets.

We're digging into the vault for this one. The Plastics are back, Gretchen is still trying to make fetch happen, and so are we. Join us as we revisit our take on the 2004 teen comedy that somehow became both a cultural touchstone and a Broadway musical — because Hollywood ran out of ideas and humility.

Does Mean Girls hold up? Is Regina George actually the hero? Why does a grown adult math teacher have this many emotional breakdowns? We had questions in 2014. We have more questions now.

Remastered for clarity. The opinions are messier than ever.

This week on Myopia Movie, we got a full moon coming up! We watched Ginger Snaps, where a Canadian teenager gets bitten by a werewolf on the same night she gets her first period...turns out puberty was always kind of a horror movie, we just needed the claws to make it official.

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Directed by...

Two California teens dig a hole in the backyard looking for a swimming pool and instead unearth a frozen Neanderthal, thaw him out with a hair dryer, and enroll him in high school. It works about as well as you'd expect. Brendan Fraser grunts his way through his big-screen debut as "Link," Pauly Shore is somehow the film's moral center, and Sean Astin plays a guy who just wants everyone to respect the Pleistocene. We dig into the movie's truly deranged internal logic (nobody calls the Smithsonian?), the early-90s obsession with turning "weird outsider" into "coolest kid at school"...

This week on Myopia Movie, we got a candy-coated murder cover-up coming up! We watched Jawbreaker, where three impossibly glamorous high school mean girls accidentally kill their best friend with a birthday prank gone wrong and then spend the rest of the movie handling it with all the grace and subtlety you'd expect from teenagers who peaked in the "Flawless" clique... turns out 1999 had a lot of feelings about popularity, and somehow all of them involve Judy Greer stealing every scene she's in.

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This week on Myopia Movies, we got a yearbook coming up! We watched Can't Hardly Wait, where a lovesick teenager spends an entire graduation party trying to work up the nerve to talk to his crush...turns out 1998 had a lot of feelings about the last day of high school and a surprising number of them involve Jerry Springer references.

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Before he was terminating cyborgs or governing California, Arnold Schwarzenegger was just a well-oiled Austrian oak with a plan and a truly alarming amount of confidence. This week we strap into George Butler and Robert Fiore's landmark bodybuilding documentary, where men in tiny shorts pursue "aesthetics" with the single-minded devotion usually reserved for religious orders. We'll be riffing on the sun-baked psychodrama of the 1975 Mr. Olympia competition, Arnold's genuinely unhinged mind games against poor Lou Ferrigno, and a supporting cast of quads that deserve their own screen credit. Expect commentary on 70s masculinity, the pageantry of competitive posing, and...

This week on Myopia Movie, we got a value meal coming up! We watched Super Size Me, where a documentarian eats nothing but McDonald's for 30 days straight...turns out "would you like to supersize that" was less of a question and more of a warning.

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Directed by Morgan Spurlock
Starring: Morgan Spurlock, Daryl...

This week on Myopia Movie, we got a kill screen coming up! We watched The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters, where a middle school science teacher sets a record against a hot sauce magnate on a standee arcade machine...millennials, eat your heart out. 

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Directed by Seth Gordo...

This week we start season 13 in earnest as we talk a month of documentaries! We watched American Movie, a film about being creative, the American Dream, and keeping the Surge nice and chilled. RIP to Uncle Billy! 

This week on Myopia Movies, we're trading the usual fictional disasters for a documented one. Chris Smith's American Movie follows Mark Borchardt — Wisconsin's answer to Orson Welles, if Orson Welles had a day job at a cemetery and financed his art through a combination of paper routes and his uncle's life savings — as he attempts, against all reason and budget, to fin...

Welcome to Season 13!!!!! This week on Myopia Movies we celebrate the 4th of July and America's 250th Anniversary the only way we know how, by watching most of it be destroyed. That's right, we watched Germany's most Patriotic American Roland Emmerich's Independence Day (1996), the most badass a President has ever been on film. 

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We are riffers on Cineprov! Check us out!!

Host: Nic

This week on Myopia Movies, we return to a world that once united humanity… and immediately wonder if we should have just let the aliens win the first time. It’s Independence Day: Resurgence, the long-awaited sequel that answers the question: “What if we did the same movie again, but louder and with fewer speeches people remember?”

Join us as we revisit Earth, now armed with alien tech, global cooperation, and absolutely no plan when the aliens come back bigger, angrier, and apparently very into drilling.

We ask the hard questions:

This week on Myopia Movies, we boldly go… to 1986 San Francisco. Yes, this week's summer rerun is Star Trek IV, the one where the fate of the galaxy depends on two humpback whales and the crew’s ability to not completely blow their cover in the past (they fail immediately).

Join us as we explore the most charmingly bizarre entry in the franchise—a sci-fi film with no real villain, a heavy dose of environmentalism, and more comedy than you’d expect from a crew that usually debates ethics at warp speed.

We tackle the big ques...

This week on Myopia Movies, we put on the mask, stare into the abyss, and then complain about the lighting. We dust off a paywall episode this week as we watch Watchmen—the most philosophical superhero movie ever made, or at least the one most likely to assign you homework afterward.

Join us as we unpack a world where superheroes are less “save the day” and more “deeply complicate geopolitics.” We wrestle with questions like:

This week on Myopia Movies, we finally gamble big on Bond—real Bond. We dust off a previously paywalled episode as we’re talking high-stakes poker, parkour chases that feel like a personal insult to your hamstrings, and a version of 007 who bleeds, broods, and looks like he might actually lose a fistfight (before winning it anyway).

Join us as we break down how Casino Royale rebooted the franchise with all the subtlety of a defibrillator. We ask the important questions:

This week on Myopia Movies, we're going full existential crisis with A.I. Artificial Intelligence — the 2001 Spielberg film based on the project Stanley Kubrick spent decades developing and wisely never finished. It's got everything you'd expect from a Spielberg joint: a family torn apart by divorce energy, social dynamics that make you want to lie down, and — in what can only be described as a creative choice — aliens. In the third act. For reasons.

A boy robot wants to be a real boy. His mom is not fully on board. His dad is very not on board. A sent...

Welcome to another episode of Myopia Movies, where we dig through the dusty toy chest of childhood nostalgia to explain colonialism to kids and ask the important question: “Was this actually magical… or did we all just really want to own tiny murder-capable action figures?” This week, we’re cracking open The Indian in the Cupboard — the movie that convinced an entire generation that putting living beings in locked containers was somehow heartwarming family entertainment and a poster that asks, is this child going to eat a tiny man? 

Will the effects hold up?
Will the emotional t...

This week on Myopia Movies, we head back to military school where the uniforms are crisp, the cadets are angry, and somehow Chucky has access to live ammunition. It’s Child's Play 3 — the movie that asks, “What if summer camp, toxic masculinity, and a killer doll all collided in the least supervised environment imaginable?”

Join us as we discuss the rapid-fire sequel production schedule, why every adult in this movie seems wildly unconcerned about obvious murders, and the strange energy of turning a slasher franchise into a coming-of-age military academy drama. We also dig into the evolution of Chuck...

Welcome to another episode of Myopia Movies, where we ruin your childhood one VHS tape at a time. This week, we’re stepping into the neon-lit fever dream that is Mannequin — a movie that asks the important question: “What if a department store mannequin came to life… and immediately dated Andrew McCarthy?”

That’s right. It’s the ‘80s, where unemployment was quirky, retail workers had unlimited creative freedom, and absolutely nobody thought to question whether this relationship required psychiatric intervention. Featuring window displays that apparently stop traffic, villainous retail executives who behave like cartoon burglars, and enough synth mus...

This week, we head to the crime-ridden dystopia of Detroit where corporations rule, criminals laugh like maniacs, and the solution to urban decay is… a heavily armed cyborg cop with excellent posture.

Join Nic, Matthew, Keiko, Nur, and Alex as they revisit RoboCop (1987), Paul Verhoeven’s ultraviolent, razor-sharp satire that somehow convinced an entire generation of kids that this was appropriate viewing. We’re asking the important questions:

This week on Myopia Movies, we learn that the only way to win is not to play. We watched War Games,  a delightful romp about the apocalypse. Ally Sheedy is, like, stooping the whole time to make Matthew Broderick look taller than her, right? 

🎙️ Thanks for listening, subscribing, and supporting the show—see you next episode.

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We are riffers on Cineprov! Check us out!!

This week on Myopia Movies, we watch Marvel's own Jarvis/Vision fight to stop AI by trying to stop Johnny Depp. It's not as fun as that sounds. We watched Transcendence (2014), wow this movie can't event decide if AI or Johnny Depp is a bad guy. You'd think people would have an opinion at this point. 

Thanks for listening, subscribing, and supporting the show—see you next episode (assuming this one didn’t break us completely).

Want to pick a movie we do an episode on and record a special commentary just for you? Purchase somet...

This week, Myopia Movies kicks off an AI-themed month by diving straight into the bargain bin with A.P.E.X.—a time-traveling, robot-infested mess that wants desperately to be The Terminator and somehow ends up worse than a Power Rangers outtake.

Nick, Matt, and Keiko try to untangle a plot involving killer robots, alternate timelines, a mystery virus, and a scientist who may or may not be responsible for ending humanity… repeatedly. Along the way, they wrestle with nonsensical time travel rules, questionable acting, baffling production choices, and the lingering question: why are they still...

Welcome back to Myopia Movies, where we revisit the films of our youth and ask the important question:

Were these movies actually good… or were we just children?

And today—Oh boy.

In honor of the release of Super Mario Galaxy, today we are revisiting Super Mario Bros. from 1993.

A film that answers the question no one asked:

“What if a beloved Nintendo property… was filtered through cyberpunk dystopia, industrial sludge, and Goombas that look like they escaped a low-budget episode of Doctor Who?”

This week on Myopia Movies, we watch yet another Jurassic Park/World Movie! Who will attempt to act with this idiotic script? Is this the dumbest new dino yet? Was it worth it to save this family? Why do we keep doing this?

Sigh......

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Host: Nic 

Panel: Keiko, Matthew, Alex

This week on Myopia Movies, we plug directly into the algorithmic void with one of the most expensive “what happened here?” movies in recent memory: The Electric State (2025).

This is the kind of film that looks incredible in still images—rusted robots, abandoned highways, that eerie retro-future aesthetic—and yet somehow feels completely hollow once it starts moving. It’s all vibes, no voltage. The bones of something interesting are there, but the movie never quite figures out what it wants to be: a heartfelt road story? A dystopian warning? A quirky robot adventure? Yes. And also… n...

“This movie feels like a ChatGPT movie if there’s ever been one.”

This week on Myopia Movies, the gang continues its tour through the worst films of the previous year with 2025’s War of the Worlds—a baffling, screen-filled sci-fi mess that somehow turns an NSA analyst played by Ice Cube into humanity’s last hope. The panel digs into the movie’s strange obsession with surveillance tech, brand-name software, and product placement, while trying to figure out whether the film is pro–surveillance state, anti–surveillance state, or just deeply confused. Along the way, they riff on everything from...

This week on Myopia Movies, we kick off our annual dive into some of the worst movies of the previous year. And we are starting with a real doozy: the live-action 2025 remake of Snow White.

This is one of those films that somehow manages to miss why the original worked in the first place. The charm, the simplicity, the fairy-tale tone—gone. In their place: baffling creative decisions, tonal confusion, and a remake that feels strangely disconnected from the magic of the classic.

And honestly, you almost feel bad for Rachel Zegler, who is clearly tr...

This month we revisit Cruel Intentions, the film that asked, “What if Dangerous Liaisons… but everyone shops at Abercrombie?” Schemes! Staircases! Smirks that could cut glass! Where impossibly wealthy teenagers treat Manhattan like a chessboard and human emotions like a hobby. It’s seduction, manipulation, and dramatic journal entries, all set to the most aggressively 1999 soundtrack imaginable.

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This week on Myopia Movies, we sharpen the knife and head back to Woodsboro in honor of Scream 7 slashing into theaters. That’s right — we revisited Scream 2, the sequel to a horror classic we genuinely love… and enrolled ourselves in Sequel Class to figure out what went wrong. More meta? Yes. More bodies? Absolutely. Better than the original? Well… let’s just say the killer might not be the only thing chasing diminishing returns.

Was it a worthy follow-up or just another case of sequel syndrome?

Want to pick a movie we do an episode on and rec...

This week as we continue the erotic thrillers month, we get a little witchy.  We watched The Craft, the second best Neve Campbell and Skeet Ulrich of 1996, see the previous episode. 

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Host: Nic

Panel: Keiko, Alex, Jeremy

Directed by Andr...

This week on Myopia Movies, we give you a peak behind the curtains as we try to explain how we do what we do on the podcast and the Cineprov live show. From a veteran, a young gun, and a newbie. 

Host: Nic 

Panel: Nur and Keiko. 

Want to pick a movie we do an episode on and record a special commentary just for you? Purchase something from our wish list! https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/3FN64UXVJTOEH?ref_=wl_share