Greatest Trek: New Star Trek Reviewed

When Scotty tries to go for the record with Little Ricky, Spock watches from a shuttle as the transporter experiment turns everyone on the ship into puppets. But after an Orion pirate ship arrives to take advantage of the situation, Spock and T’Pring reconnect over logic before realizing it was all a dream. Where can you reliably find a printout of all the Vulcan holidays? What do you have to go through a curtain at STLV to see? Which safety drill isn’t taught in Orion elementary school? It’s the episode that doesn’t have a hand in its b...

When Una’s first away mission as commander almost gets her caught inside Klingon space, the away team ditches the shuttle on an occupied planet and they get dressed up to try to lay low. But after she’s recognized for someone whose alliances aren’t black and white, Una can’t end the mission without appointing a new leader for the Mataaran resistance. What’s Star Trek shorthand for an oppressive society? When is Dr. M’Benga like Batman? Who do we need 500% more of on this show? It’s the episode that’s too cute by one quarter.

When the crew needs a break before an important diplomatic mission, Alpha shift takes a shuttle down to a trippy resort planet. But after the atmosphere starts making everyone’s journey a little weird, Ortegas and Scotty get the crew back together in time for a grand diplomatic gesture. In what way did this production show restraint? What’s the main rule in a tattoo parlor? Which moment might be the most divisive of the series? It’s the episode that knows puppets remain a threat.

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When Kirk, Spock, and La'An discover the long-lost USS Griffin on their way home from a conference, they decide to take a little detour to check out the ship. But after things become mysterious and spooky, the trio becomes all together ooky and they need rescuing. Is Kirk a Family Guy? What are the body bag best practices? Does punching a dinosaur give you carte blanche? It's the episode that's all cut-scene. 

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When the Entrepreneur’s mission is to take pictures of a space squall, the distress buoy they detect draws them into a paradox 65 million years in the making. But after the ship is captured by pre-historic Martians and La’an punches a dinosaur in the face, Captain Pike’s controversial non-intervention ends up protecting everyone’s future. Who is a crazy jump scare at a movie premiere? How is working in the transporter room like catering a C-suite? Which sci-fi crossover are we not broken hearted about? It’s the episode that got spoiled by the trailer.

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When four of Gotham City’s supervillains team up to take over the world, the Dynamic Duo are the only two people smart enough to save the Security Council. But after Bruce Wayne gets kidnapped by Catwoman disguised as Comrade Kitka, his newfound love turns to heartbreak when her true identity is revealed. Why was the Batcopter decommissioned? Where have Bat standards fallen sharply? Who can’t seem to speak to us normally? It’s the episode that’s willing to make a lot of logical leaps.

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When a giant green Frankenstein emerges from the ocean, he starts to take bites out of sailors like so many canapés. But after he makes his way towards mainland Japan, it's up to the crack team at the Frankenstein Institute of Technology to determine just what's going on. Is Russ Tamblyn the real monster? Will the war end with a Godzilla from the machine? Did 60's cinema have a volcano mandate? It’s the episode that always bets on octopus.  

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When an ex-agent of Z.O.W.I.E. is called out of his retirement lifestyle to save the world from climate scientists, Derek Flint politely declines the mission until a poison dart almost takes out his former boss. But after Galaxy agents abduct his lady friends, faking his death gets him into their secret lair to rescue the polycule and destroy the volcano. Who isn’t getting shaved by multiple women? Why would someone name their baby Shanda? Where is Canada’s tropical island located? It’s the episode that doesn’t get gross or creepy.

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When a Denavan Jakes his shuttle into the sun, the Enterprise quickly sends an away team down to the planet’s surface. But after the team discovers a rubber vomit parasite that is threatening to overtake the planet’s colony, the crew must find a solution that doesn’t nuke the baby with the bathwater. Does Spock have any hobbies? Is there anything more futuristic than a spray bottle? What’s the easiest way to establish a “spacey” aesthetic? It’s the episode that’s a blaster beam specialist.

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When Greatest Trek jumps into the past, Adam and Ben must follow by skipping their way into Carl’s Hole. But after this classic episode of Star Trek the Original Series reveals more than just time travel, your hosts must commit to the past in order to save the future. Is Spock now a hat guy? Can Kirk shut down some more jerks? Will we see our crew skip again? It’s the episode where we learn our friends were the holes we met along the way!

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When the galaxy winks out and a bearded time traveller appears, his religious quest for vengeance leads to confusing circumstances aboard the Entrepreneur. But after Kirk leads several missions down to the planet to investigate, hatching a plan to trap both Lazaruses for eternity is the sacrifice they’re both willing to make. Which host is more experienced in the diarrhetic arts? Where do the Oregon Trail and the Hershey Highway both lead? Who was affected forever during this filming? It’s the episode that’s obsessed with crystals.

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When the Klingons are on the rise it’s up to Kirk and team to thwart an upcoming invasion, but when the Organians are a little too chill, it’s time to burst into a beam of light and put some Qo’nos and Earth perspectives aside. Will this renaissance world survive? How breezy are those outfits? Will the Kling’ns be back? It’s the episode that introduces stage-one of a loafed evolution.

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When the Entrepreneur is sent to rescue some miners on Janus VI, their ages are not what anyone expected. But after an important implement is stolen by a mysterious monster, it’s a race against time to avoid losing their lives. Is there such a thing as an old bold miner? Does a three minute response time satisfy anyone? Can you have a face not even a mother could love? It’s the episode that needs to cogitate in private!

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When the Entrepreneur visits a decimated colony on Omicron Ceti III, the away team is surprised to find a group of happy survivors thriving on a vegetarian diet. But after Spock gets sprayed by a flower and everyone refuses to leave paradise, Kirk has to start pissing people off to break the happiness spell. How did the Berthold rays over promise and under deliver? Which piece of equipment is very absent in this story? What’s the biggest green flag for a Federation citizen? It’s the episode that didn’t tie up its loose ends.

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When a grumpy Ambassador forces the Entrepreneur to ignore a Code 710, an away team beams down and learns the crew has been designated casualties of war. But after Spock starts taking out security guards and Scotty threatens to blow up the planet’s buildings too, Kirk destroys a war computer to finally end the ancient conflict. Where does the generational trauma not stop? What’s worse than a living person being disintegrated? Who doesn’t get enough credit for being physically imposing? It’s the episode that set the stage for huge collars on Star Trek.

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When the Entrepreneur finds an Earth vessel from the mysterious 1990s, an away team beams aboard to wipe the frost off the sleeping crew’s glass. But after a Starfleet historian falls in love with Khan and helps him commandeer the ship, Captain Kirk retakes control and leaves the augments at Ceti Alpha V. When is a hot dog order heroic? Which original Uxbridge-Shimoda policy is still in place today? How is Montalban like Walken? It’s the episode that kicked the can so far down the road.

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When scouting a mixed-genre planet, Sulu calls for emergency beam out and arrives back on the Entrepreneur looking very refractory. But after Kirk and Spock raid the costume closet and head down to check things out, they meet members of the resistance and break into the server room to confront Landru. Which weird subreddits have entered the algorithim? How many ways can Reger be pronounced? What does a preschool do to tell all the L’Andrews apart? It’s the episode that’s rebranding adult underwear.

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When Captain Kirk demands his day in court, the evidence isn’t on his side and neither is an old flame. But after Spock starts kicking the computer’s ass at chess, they move the proceedings to the Entrepreneur so that Kirk can save the ship from another sweaty rambler. Which lesson could NuTrek take from this episode? What was the other name option for Jamie? When is it ok to put eggs down the garbage disposal? It’s the episode that doesn’t need to explain jettisoning the pod.

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When the Entrepreneur tests out time-travel, Captain Kirk’s questionable use of the tractor beam results in past people getting beamed aboard. But after sharing way too much information and assessing their historical significance, Spock figures out how to slingshot everyone back to the future and return the past people to their time. What would make Ben and Adam conspicuous as time travelers? Who else built a F-104 model as a child? How could school shootings be better? It’s the episode where everyone’s mind is on soup day. 

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When Kirk beams down for a house party on Cestus III, what he finds instead is an aerial bombardment and one very angry outpost survivor. But when the Enterprise gives chase and the Metrons sense violent intent, a broadcast death match is the only suggestion for conflict resolution. Are Spock and McCoy capable of effectively insulting each other? What kind of utensil can you bring to a dinner party? Is bamboo strong enough to make a bazooka out of? It’s the episode that is somewhat diminished by O’Herlihy’s presence.

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When the Entrepreneur is crossing a space desert on the way to Beta VI, the crew detect an unmapped planet and no one seems interested in stopping by. But after Sulu and Kirk disappear from the bridge, an away team beams down to find their chaos agent poised for an unfair fight. What’s the best lead-in for a Dr. McCoy impression? Who hasn’t seen Sinners? How many things can a sharpie dick mean? It’s the episode that touched the void.

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When Nus Braka starts forming an anti-federation of pirates, he finds the Athena outside of his Omega47 mine sphere and kidnaps Ms. Mir and Captain Ake for an impromptu trial. But after Ms. Mir gets to act as judge, jury, and executioner, Caleb arrives to explain just how important the Academy is to him. Which is the most decadent sandwich? What’s permanently written on a whiteboard somewhere? Where is the only pumping happening on the Athena? It’s the episode that wants to get in there and grab the sliders.

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When school’s out and the cadets get dropped off at Betazed, Starfleet goes into lockdown and Caleb finally opens two years of messages from his mom. But after stealing a shuttle with the help of SAM, his tearful reunion on Ukek gets cut short by The Venari Ral. What are all Ben Affleck films about? Which Star Trek character is sadder in retrospect? Who does all the train stuff? It’s the episode that’s riding the BARF to the furfly arc.

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When the cadets are struggling with their trauma and Lieutenant Tilly arrives to help them through some drama, SAM glitches out and has to make an emergency trip to Kasq. But after Tarima joins the cadets and slowly learns the lesson of Our Town, SAM gets a second chance at life with the help of Dr. Mark. Why does the USS Athena have enormous windows? Which play did Caleb pick for class? What do eternals automatically get from each other? It’s the episode that puts its quadra-testicles into the canon.

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When the cadets leave campus for All-Worlds Day break, Darem gets ritually abducted and Jay-Den makes an extremely risky decision to follow him through a random portal. But after Caleb stays aboard the Athena and Genesis gets them both in trouble over nothing, Jay-Den gives a reception speech so targeted that it pushes the happy couple to the point of abdication. How does a Klingon wear a speedo? What’s been working fine on Star Trek for 60 years? Which species gets more exposition than the Khionians? It’s the episode with three notable examples of science fiction.

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When the Academy and the War College are spirited away on a field trip to visit the USS Miyazaki, everything seems like fun and games until rabid bat men crash the party. But when Captain Ake is short on options for saving the students, Admiral Openly-Judges-You-For-Not-Having-In-Unit-Laundry suggests they should set Nus on the loose. What grade level does a ship's computer read at? How do you best cook a Caleb Mir? What's the worst part about invisible space suits? It’s the episode that's front and center for the Andrew Davis film festival. 

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When SAM is under pressure from the makers on Kasq, getting into a new class about the unexplainable puts her on the trail of another important emissary. But after exploring the life and legacy of the Sisko, SAM learns she no longer has to defend her choices to succeed. Who didn’t get screeners? Which stunt was shot like a ConAir explosion? What is the propellor hat of confections? It’s the episode that treats DS9 like a sacred text.

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When a Klingon transport is destroyed and the diaspora becomes the topic of debate at the Academy, Jay-Den Kraag faces his fear of public speaking to make a case for Klingon autonomy. But after Captain Ake reunites with a warlord from her past and Admiral Vance lets him win his charity in battle, Jay-Den begins to recognize the new brother he has in Caleb Mir. Who probably started shaving in the fourth grade? What does two dads and one mom necessarily mean? Which sport needs more screaming? It’s the episode that’s spamming the universe with advertisements for Star...

When the War College students start pranking the Starfleet cadets, the adults in charge only add fuel to their fire. But after Darem fumbles as team captain and Caleb and Tarima get closer, the cadets end the prank war with only a little bit of lab-grown eye trauma. What do we not universally want to know? When is a backwards basketball shot required? Which movie will not be mined for drops? It’s the episode with a Paul Verhoeven shot.

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When the Betazed president alphas Admiral Keeps-Sending-You-Dave-Ramsey-and-Tony-Robbins-Videos during negotiations to potentially rejoin the Federation, it becomes clear he may not be there to negotiate in earnest. But after the president’s daughter takes a liking to a Caleb, he may be able to save the negotiations as long as he doesn’t goo everywhere first. Which dead actor is living on? How was BART rebranded? Which cadet is jacked like a WWE superstar? It’s the episode that forgot everyone’s name.

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When a failure of Starfleet justice makes a sad little slickback out of Caleb, his escape kicks off a 15-year crime spree and all he wants is to find his mom. But after Captain Ake gets reinstated as the chancellor of Starfleet Academy, Caleb’s transmission to mommy reignites an old beef with Nus Braka. Who’s the only person in Hollywood with a thriving career? Where are dirty clothes stored on the Athena? Which character is all green felt and wood inlays? It’s the episode that saved the fly around for the end.

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When the plague has to wait for some mandatory quasar research, the Suburban of shuttles is launched only to crash with seven crew members aboard. But after they leave the shuttle and get attacked by big foots and oversized spears, Spock’s final act of desperation leads to a redemption of his leadership style. Where is help never far away? What’s the difference between TOS and TNG shuttles? Who is so Bosch? It’s the episode that makes Disco shuttles look more accurate.

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When everyone but Spock is exhausted from their space adventures, a shore leave planet starts gaslighting them about some dangerous illusions. But after no one can find the glade and the landing party gets stranded, a Caretaker appears and explains the amusement planet’s safety precautions. How do you know if you can do a bit on your boss? Who is a little like Bruce Wayne but not really? What does Captain Kirk’s snake tattoo say? It’s the episode that approaches the uncanny valley from the opposite precipice with a glade in between.

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When some cloaked Romulans interrupt Space-Church, Kirk feels it necessary to investigate. But when a crew person with a bad attitude harshens the bridge’s vibe it’s time to follow a comet and learn some Vulcan history. Will Spock remember this Romulan? How many people does it take to fire a missile? Where’s the stained-glass window? It’s the episode that feels like a submarine, but lives like a warbird.

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When the Entrepreneur gets off course with a theatre troupe, the real reason for the diversion is the lead actor might be Trogdor. But after the last remaining witnesses are eliminated one by one, Captain Kirk’s interest in the young daughter of Karidian ends in another theatrical tragedy. When do you get “the executioner” added to your name? How many colony survivors are rocking full face? Who might sneak into a Sesame Street impression? It’s the episode that introduces a new first-time segment!

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When the Menagerie arc winds down, a Mug Draft winner rises. But after losing the Mug Draft, a shocking realization threatens to change how we feel about this competition forever. What’s the title of Ben’s new documentary? Which mug is the Michael B. Jordan here? Do you want the winning mug for yourself? It’s the episode that both loves and hates this shit.

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When a private sub-space message is “delivered” to the Enterprise, Kirk and Co. make their way to Star Base 11. But when Spock takes this opportunity to abduct captain Pike and the ship, there’s no TAL-ing what can happen. Is this Spock from an alternate Trek timeline? Will Bones address the elephant on the bridge? Can Pike scratch that itch? It’s the episode that doesn’t say “fire” but leaves its finger on the button.

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When Kirk and co. stumble upon an unavoidable-glowing-cube-boi they get stuck in an awkward spot. But when Balok toys with the way The Enterprise normally handles new encounters, it’s time to see what the alien looks like and escape the tractor beam. Is Spock too cool for school? What’s that big ear-spring? Have Halloween decorations improved? It’s the episode that gives you a Howard over the wrong frequency!

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When a cargo exchange with a penal colony puts a clever escapee aboard the Entrepreneur, Bones is suspicious of the famous Doctor Adams and pressures Captain Kirk to investigate. But after beaming down with Dr. Noel and jumping into the lobotomy recliner himself, Kirk resists interrogation and Adams learns exactly why his treatment is a failure. What’s the best way to avoid a workplace accident? Which word is particularly remarkable in an Australian accent? How does a photocopier need to be cleaned? It’s the episode with a very dangerous dimple.

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When the Entrepreneur receives an SOS from an exact copy of Earth, the only question that interests the crew is whether anyone might still be alive. But after the away team kills a zombie and meets some kids who are hundreds of years old, they become infected and have to work out a cure to make it out of quarantine in time. Is there a correct number of mugs? How does a flat Earth captain orbit a planet? What could be considered assault on a playground in Los Feliz? It’s the episode where years of experience doesn’t make...