Let's Talk About Love, Sex & Infidelity
Todd Creager is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and relationship coach with over 30 years of experience helping couples build stronger, more fulfilling relationships.In this podcast, Todd talks openly about love, sex, and infidelity with married and long-term couples who want real answers. Drawing from decades in practice, he shares practical advice, relatable stories, and honest guidance to help you work through challenges and create the relationship you actually want.Whether you're dealing with communication breakdowns, intimacy issues, trust after infidelity, or just want to reconnect with your partner, Todd's warm, no-nonsense approach gives you tools you can use...
#292 Low Sexual Desire in Long-Term Relationships Is Often a Parts Problem
Why don’t I want sex anymore? If you’ve asked yourself that about a partner you used to want, this episode is for you.
Early on, desire was easy. It showed up on its own. Now it rarely shows up, and you’ve started to wonder if something is wrong with you. Maybe you’ve become the mother and the caretaker for everyone in your home, and somewhere along the way your sexual self got pushed out of sight. You might feel resentment toward your partner that you’ve never said out loud, or carry an old hurt f...
#291 Why Shame-Based Addiction Recovery Often Backfires
Feeling the full weight of what you’ve done sounds like the price of recovery. For a lot of people, it’s what keeps the addiction going.
If you or someone you love has been through a recovery program built on shame, you may know how this goes. You’re told you’re powerless. Your behavior gets framed as a moral failure. You’re asked to catalog every person you’ve hurt, and you do it, because the harm was real. And somehow the pull to drink, use or act out gets stronger, not weaker. That isn’t a lack of wi...
#290 Why Your Numbing Behaviors Show Up at the Same Moment Every Time
You quit drinking, and suddenly you can’t stop eating. You put the phone down, and the anxiety becomes unbearable.
Maybe it’s the wine after a fight with your partner. Maybe it’s the fridge when loneliness hits, or two hours of scrolling the minute you get home from work, right when it’s time to slow down and be together. It looks like a food problem, a drinking problem or a phone problem, and you’ve probably tried to fix it with willpower. Step back far enough and you’ll notice something. The behavior always shows up at...
#289 Porn Addiction and the Firefighter Part: An IFS Approach to Recovery
Why does porn addiction keep coming back, even after a sincere promise to stop?
Most people who struggle with porn try to quit through willpower. They white-knuckle it. They install blockers. They promise themselves, and sometimes their partner, that this time will be different. Then a bad day hits, or a fight, or a wave of loneliness, and the part of them that reaches for porn fires faster than the promise can hold. If you’re the partner, you’re left wondering whether any promise can be trusted. If you’re the one acting out, it’s easy to...
#288 Strong at Work, Alone at Home? Why Men Struggle With Vulnerability
You built a career on being strong, steady and composed. So why does your partner keep saying they feel alone?
A lot of men tell me some version of the same story. They work hard. They think of the family first. They wish they got a little more appreciation for everything they carry. And at home, their partner describes a relationship that feels lonely. Both of them are telling the truth, and neither of them can see why.
This is a solo episode. I talk directly to high-achieving men, and to the partners who love...
#287 | Sexual Performance Anxiety in Men: Why Trying Harder Makes It Worse
Nothing is physically wrong, yet the moment sex starts to matter, your body stops cooperating. Why?
In this solo episode, Todd Creager, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and relationship coach with more than 30 years in practice, opens a series on men's issues with one of the most common calls he gets: sexual performance anxiety. Men who reach out are stressed, frustrated and often carrying a lot of shame. Many have a partner who is taking it personally. Todd's message is direct and kind. This is something any man can overcome.
Todd frames the problem through...
#286 | Why Talk Therapy Alone Didn't Work for You
You can name the wound. You can trace it back to where it started. So why does the same nerve still get hit, and why do you still react the same way?
In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager talks about a pattern he sees often in his practice: people who have spent years in therapy, who understand their childhood and their patterns, and who still get flooded when their partner touches a sore spot. Todd is clear that understanding yourself is worth doing. His point is that it isn't enough on its...
#285 | 42 Years Married: The Protective Parts That Show Up in My Own Marriage
What if the reaction you have with your partner isn't really you — it's a part of you doing a job it took on when you were five years old?
In his yearly anniversary episode, Todd Creager marks 42 years of marriage by turning the lens on himself. Using the internal family systems model, he walks through the difference between our protective parts, our wounded parts, and the Self — the part of us with the capacity for compassion, clarity, calmness, courage, and curiosity toward everything else going on inside.
Todd describes how managers work to keep it toge...
#284 | The Body Remembers: Somatic Clues That Your Parts Have Activated
Your partner hasn't finished the sentence yet, and your stomach has already dropped. Your jaw is clenched. There's a tightness across your chest that wasn't there ten seconds ago. That isn't stress. That's a part of you speaking through your body before your thinking mind gets involved.
In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager explains why parts show up as physical sensation first, and why they move faster than you do. A protector can tighten your shoulders and cross your arms before you've consciously registered what your partner said. A firefighter can flood...
#283 | How Childhood Shame Shows Up in Adult Intimacy: Exiles, Protectors, and the Way Through
Your partner reaches for you, and something inside pulls back. Not all of you. A part of you.
In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager talks about the young part that decided long ago that if anyone got close enough to really see you, they wouldn't like what they found. He calls that part an exile — a child who absorbed a message like "I'm not worth attention" or "something is wrong with me," and has been carrying it ever since. The child didn't choose that belief. They lived in conditions where it was th...
#282 | Why I Combine EMDR and IFS to Help You Heal from Trauma Faster
What happens when trauma therapy stalls, even when you're doing everything right? In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager pulls back the curtain on how he works with clients, and why pairing two respected approaches, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and IFS (Internal Family Systems), helps people heal faster than either one alone.
Todd starts with the basics of IFS, the idea that we're all made up of different parts. Some of those parts are wounded, carrying old pain from feeling unsafe, inadequate, unlovable, or abandoned as a child. Other parts are...
#281 | Self-Led Parenting: How to Stop Reacting and Start Leading From Calm
Why does your child's meltdown sometimes bring out a version of you that sounds exactly like your own parent?
Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager breaks down self-led parenting, a concept rooted in Internal Family Systems, and why so many parents end up reacting instead of responding when a child pushes their buttons. Todd separates the wounded, protective parts of us — the manager, who worries about looking good and getting it right, and the firefighter, who explodes or shuts down — from the calm, confident "self" that can actually hold a boundary without losing warmth.
He shar...
#280 | When Your Partner Triggers You: The Hidden Part of You That's Really Reacting
Why does a small comment from your spouse sometimes set off a reaction that feels way bigger than the moment calls for? Todd Creager, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 30 years of experience, breaks down what's actually happening when your partner triggers you.
In this solo episode, Todd explains that the size of your reaction is the clue. When your heart races, your jaw tightens, and you're three steps into an argument before you've decided to have it, it's rarely the grown-up version of you responding. Todd describes a protector — the part that goes on of...
#279 | Why Your Partner Goes Silent: Understanding Stonewalling Through an IFS Lens
When your partner shuts down in the middle of a hard conversation, it's easy to read it as punishment — as coldness, stubbornness, or not caring. What if that's almost never what's actually happening?
In this episode, Todd Creager — Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with 35 years of experience — takes a closer look at stonewalling, one of the patterns John and Julie Gottman identified as a serious warning sign in relationships. Todd offers a different way to understand it, one rooted in Internal Family Systems (IFS) and the way protective parts of us learned to manage emotional danger long before...
#278 | You're Not Fighting Your Spouse — Here Are the 3 Parts That Are
What if the fight you keep having with your spouse isn't really about dishes, money, or who said what last Tuesday? What if the two of you aren't even fighting each other at all?
In this solo episode, Todd Creager — licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and relationship coach with over 30 years of experience working with couples — walks you through a framework he uses with couples every day: the three internal parts that show up in virtually every relationship conflict. Once you can see them, the whole fight starts to make sense.
Todd breaks down the Fi...
#277 | Why Trying Harder Is Making Your Marriage Worse
What if the thing you've been doing to fix your relationship is actually what's keeping it stuck?
Most couples hit a wall. You've read the books, planned the date nights, promised to listen better — and somehow you're still in the same spot. More exhausted, more frustrated, and further apart than before. If that sounds familiar, this episode is for you.
In this solo episode, Todd Creager — licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 30 years working with couples — explains why trying harder rarely works, and what's actually happening beneath the surface when your best efforts fall flat.<...
#276 | The Inner Critic in the Bedroom — What's Really Blocking Your Desire
What if the thing getting in the way of your sex life isn't a physical problem — it's a protective one?
In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager takes a candid, grounded look at what happens when your inner critic shows up in the bedroom. Whether it sounds like Am I good enough? Is my partner enjoying this? or it shows up as numbness, avoidance, or a total loss of desire — Todd explains that these aren't failures. They're protective responses doing a job.
Using Internal Family Systems (IFS), Todd breaks down two type...
#275 | What Your Jealousy Is Really Protecting You From
Is jealousy making you feel out of control — or controlling? Before you try to talk yourself out of it, it's worth understanding what it's actually doing for you.
In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager takes an honest, compassionate look at jealousy — not as a character flaw or a red flag, but as a protective response rooted in older, unhealed pain. If your partner mentions a coworker and your chest tightens, or a liked photo on social media sends your mind into overdrive, this episode speaks directly to what's happening beneath that reaction.
#274 | Why You Shut Down During Conflict (It's Not What You Think)
Do you go blank, get quiet, or feel like you've completely left your body the moment conflict shows up in your relationship? There's a reason that happens — and it has nothing to do with not caring.
In this solo episode, Todd digs into one of the most misunderstood patterns in long-term relationships: shutting down during conflict. Whether you go still and silent or reach for your phone, the fridge, or anything else to escape the moment, Todd explains what's actually driving that response — and why blaming yourself or your partner for it keeps you stuck.
Draw...
#273 | The Hidden War Inside a Cheater's Body — And How It Steals Your Peace
What does cheating actually do to the person doing it?
Most conversations about infidelity focus on the betrayed partner — and for good reason. But in this episode, Todd Creager turns the lens inward, looking at what happens inside the body and mind of the person having the affair. It's part of his ongoing series on how cheating cheats the cheater, and this episode zeroes in on something rarely talked about: the physiological cost of living a secret.
Using the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS), Todd walks through how our protective parts operate when deep wo...
#272 | How Cheating Robs You of the One Thing You Actually Need
Have you ever wondered why someone who's having an affair can still feel profoundly alone?
In this episode, Todd Creager continues his series on how cheating cheats the cheater — and this time he looks at one of the deepest costs of infidelity: the loss of authentic intimacy. Using the Internal Family Systems (IFS) framework, Todd explains why keeping a secret doesn't just strain a relationship. It cuts the person having the affair off from the one thing that actually heals loneliness — being truly known.
At the heart of IFS is a simple but important idea: we a...
#271 | How Cheating Cheats the Cheater: What Infidelity Really Costs You
What if the person most harmed by an affair isn't the one who was betrayed — but the one who did the betraying?
In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager returns to one of his most talked-about topics: the psychological cost of infidelity to the person who cheats. Drawing on over 30 years of working with couples, and through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, Todd breaks down why cheating is so often less about desire and more about escape — and what that escape actually costs.
At the center of this conv...
#270 | What Your Attachment Style Is Actually Doing in the Bedroom
What happens between you and your partner in bed may have less to do with technique and more to do with how you're wired for connection.
In this solo episode, Todd Creager — licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 30 years of experience working with couples — breaks down the four attachment styles and what they look like during sex and physical intimacy. Most people have heard of the four attachment categories: secure, anxious (fearful), avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. But Todd draws an important distinction that changes how you think about all of it: you're not just one type. Different part...
#269 | Why Willpower Fails in Sex and Intimacy — And What Actually Helps
What if the part of you that shuts down sexually — or the part that keeps reaching for porn — isn't a character flaw? What if it's trying to protect you?
In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager explains why forcing your way through sexual performance anxiety — or trying to stop compulsive sexual behavior through sheer willpower — almost always backfires. Drawing from two therapeutic approaches he uses in his practice, Internal Family Systems (IFS) and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), Todd walks through what's actually happening beneath the surface when sex becomes complicated.
At the...
#268 | Why Betrayal Feels Like a Life-or-Death Trauma — and What's Really Happening Inside You
If you've discovered a partner's affair and wondered why the pain feels like it might actually kill you, you're not overreacting. In this episode, Todd explains exactly why betrayal trauma hits so deep — and what healing actually looks like.
When an affair comes to light, the shock is real and the cause is clear. But what makes it feel so all-consuming is that it often wakes up something much older — the wounded parts of you that have been quietly buried since childhood. Feelings of not being good enough. Of being abandoned. Of not being safe. The present pain...
#267 | Why You Keep Having the Same Fight — And How to Finally Stop
Do you and your partner keep circling the same argument, no matter how many times you've tried to resolve it? The problem might not be what either of you is saying — it might be who is actually doing the talking.
In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager introduces a concept from Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy that helps explain why so many couples get stuck in what he calls the "bickering loop." According to IFS, we all carry protective parts — internal responses shaped by our past wounds — and when those protectors take over during...
#266 | The Civil War of Betrayal: Why You Love Them and Want to Leave at the Same Time
After discovering a partner's affair, many people ask the same question: Am I going crazy?Â
You love this person deeply — and part of you wants to walk out the door. That contradiction isn't a sign something is wrong with you. It's what happens when betrayal creates an internal war between competing parts of who you are.
In this solo episode, Todd Creager breaks down what he calls the Civil War of Betrayal — and why both the person who was cheated on and the person who cheated experience this painful internal conflict.Â
Using the framew...
#265 | The Venus Fly Trap: Love, Borderline Personality Disorder, and the Relationships That Change You
What draws someone back to a relationship they know is hurting them — and what does it take to finally walk away?
In this episode, Todd sits down with author and spiritual counselor Stephen Paul Edwards, whose memoir The Venus Fly Trap chronicles one of the most intense, chaotic, and revealing relationships of his life. Named by the woman at the center of it all, the title says everything — and nothing you're quite prepared for.
Stephen shares openly about falling hard for a woman he recognized early on as dangerous, and staying anyway. What follows is a ca...
#264 | Is It Insecurity—Or Is It Manipulation? How to Tell the Difference in Your Relationship
What if the "insecurity" you've been working so hard to reassure isn't insecurity at all?
In this solo episode, Todd Creager—a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over 30 years of experience—walks you through one of the most confusing dynamics he sees in his practice: when what looks like a partner's fear and need for reassurance is actually a pattern of manipulation and control.
Todd explains the key differences between genuine insecurity and deliberate manipulation. Someone who is truly insecure may need reassurance, but they'll also take responsibility for their actions, apologize sincerely, and work...
#263 | Why You Cannot Move On After Being Lied To: Cognitive Dissonance Explained
You know they lied. You've seen the evidence. So why can't you just move on?
In this episode, Todd addresses one of the most painful experiences in relationships: loving someone who has betrayed your trust through infidelity or other serious lies. Drawing from real cases in his practice, he explains the psychological phenomenon of cognitive dissonance—when your reality of love and commitment conflicts with the truth you're now facing.
Todd walks through three core tensions that keep you stuck: the love you felt versus the reality you're confronting, your emotional attachment versus the evidence of...
#262 | Trust Your Gut: Recognizing Gaslighting in Your Relationship
Have you ever felt like something's off in your relationship, but your partner keeps telling you you're the problem? That knot in your stomach, that nagging sense that things aren't right—what if it's not your imagination?
In this episode, Todd addresses gaslighting—a pattern where one partner makes the other doubt their own reality. Sometimes it's calculated, sometimes it's unconscious self-protection, but the result is the same: you stop trusting yourself. You walk through your own home like you're stepping through a minefield, wondering what will set things off next.
Todd has worked with coun...
#261 | When Cheating Meets Denial: How Gaslighting Protects Infidelity
Have you noticed your partner acting differently but they tell you you're imagining things? You might be dealing with something more than just infidelity.
In this episode, Todd talks about what happens when someone who's cheated uses gaslighting to avoid taking responsibility. He walks through the specific tactics unfaithful partners use—from denying obvious behavior changes to minimizing what actually happened.
Todd explains how gaslighting works as a protective mechanism for the person who betrayed. They might tell you you're overreacting when you notice they're staying late at work. They might change their phone password an...
#260 | When Shame Makes You Disappear: How to Stay Present During Conflict
What happens when you shut down during a fight with your partner—when your chest tightens, your voice vanishes, and you feel small like a scolded child?
Todd explains why some people collapse during conflict while others lash out. It's not about caring less—it's about caring so much that your nervous system shuts down from shame. When shame takes over, you disappear emotionally. Your partner might see it as indifference, but the truth is you're stuck in an emotional freeze response.
In this episode, Todd shares the story of Cheryl and Jerry, a couple caug...
#259 | Why Silent Punishment Hurts Your Partner and How to Repair Without Words
What happens when the person you love most goes quiet—not yelling, not fighting, just... gone?
In this episode, Todd Creager addresses one of the most painful patterns in relationships: silent punishment. It's not always intentional. You've been hurt, so you pull back. You turn away. You go cold. It feels like self-protection, but to your partner, it feels like rejection.
Todd shares the story of Ken and Terry, a couple stuck in a cycle where defensiveness led to withdrawal, and withdrawal led to loneliness. Terry stopped trying because Ken kept dismissing her feelings. Ken fe...
#258 | When Your Body Shuts Down During a Fight: Understanding the Freeze Response
What happens when you freeze up during a difficult conversation with your partner—when your mind goes blank, your voice disappears, and you can't find the words? Todd explains why shutting down isn't a weakness. It's your nervous system trying to protect you from emotional overwhelm.
In this episode, Todd breaks down the freeze response and why it happens. When your body shuts down, your partner might interpret it as disinterest or rejection. But that's not what's really going on. You're not choosing to withdraw—your nervous system is trying to help you survive an emotional flood. Todd...
#257 | Why Defending Yourself Pushes Your Partner Away (And What to Do Instead)"
Does every conversation with your partner turn into a back-and-forth where nobody feels heard? You're not alone—and you're probably not doing anything wrong. You just care deeply about being understood.
In this episode, Todd breaks down why defensiveness shows up in relationships and what it's actually doing to your connection. When you defend yourself, even with good intentions, your partner doesn't hear clarification—they hear rejection. The result? More intensity, more frustration, and zero resolution.
Todd shares the real story of Rob and Jody, a couple stuck in a cycle of miscommunication. Every time one...
256 | The Need to Be Right is Ruining Your Relationship
In this episode, relationship expert Todd Creager shares the real story of Sam and Barbara—a couple who came to him with "communication problems." But what they actually had was something deeper: a years-long Cold War fueled by the need to be right.
After four decades of working with couples, I can tell you this pattern shows up everywhere. Smart, successful people who've built their lives on being right suddenly find that same skill destroying their most important relationship.
Here's what we talk about:
Why the need to be right functions like an addictionThe "Be...#255 | Why Bickering Becomes Your Default (And How to Break the Cycle)
Here's a podcast episode description optimized for podcast platforms and Todd's brand voice:
Episode Title: How to Stop Bickering: The Real Problem Isn't Communication
Short Description (for podcast apps that limit characters): Constant bickering isn't a communication problem—it's a nervous system problem. After 20+ years working with couples, I share why "just communicate better" is terrible advice and what actually breaks the cycle.
Full Description:
You know that moment when you realize you've had the same argument for the third time this week? Not even ab...
#254 | How to Rebuild a New Identity After Cheating on Your Partner
In this revealing episode, relationship expert Todd Creager tackles the profound identity crisis that occurs when infidelity is discovered. If you've betrayed your partner, you're not just facing relationship damage—you're confronting fundamental questions about who you are.
Todd guides listeners through five essential questions for identity rebuilding: Who am I now that I've betrayed my values? Can I become trustworthy again? Is change possible? What does recovery look like for serial betrayers? And do I need professional help?
Drawing from decades of clinical experience, Todd offers a compassionate yet honest roadmap for those looking to...
#253 | Why Did I Cheat? Understanding the Real Reasons Behind Infidelity (And How to Stop)
If you've been unfaithful to your partner, you're probably drowning in one question: "Why did I do this?" And if you're the betrayed partner, you desperately need to understand: "How could they do this to me?"
In this episode, I'm talking directly to people who've cheated—though I want betrayed partners to listen too. Because understanding what drives infidelity isn't about excuses. It's about getting to the truth of what's really happening beneath the surface.
After decades of working with people on both sides of betrayal, I've learned something that might surprise you: The person wh...
