Two Assholes and a Mic

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This one starts with both of us running on questionable sleep schedules before immediately getting sucked back into WoW Forever and planning our undead paladins, including Ian landing on the extremely stupid but somehow perfect name Buzz Blightyear. From there, Ian finally corrects the record on the “mythical albatross” and explains what actually happens in The Rime of the Ancient Mariner. Then Robby introduces a new segment with an Am I the Asshole? story about an elderly neighbor, trash cans, and whether helping someone is still the right thing to do when they come...

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This one turns into a full-on trip through old military TDYs and the kind of stories that somehow get better the further removed you are from them. There’s a half-remembered Vegas scavenger hunt, Japan and Korea trips, Wolfpack Park, broken pinkies ruining deployments, and the legend of Melty Face—a man apparently capable of being blackout drunk for 186 out of 188 days. Then Robby takes us to Guam, where he tried to pet wild sharks, absolutely destroyed his back with a sunburn, discovered possibly the greatest Hooters on Earth, and ate his...

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This one starts with Ian experimenting with mysterious little patches that are apparently improving his dopamine, metabolism, and—most importantly—his ability to actually take a shit more than once a week. Then Ian cracks open his new Neil deGrasse Tyson Lost in Space book for the first time, which sends us straight into comets being “dirty snowballs,” ultraviolet light, the ridiculous scale of the solar system, terraforming Mars, and whether an ancient civilization could have nuked the planet and abandoned us here on Earth. Naturally, that turns into pyramids, Martian sphinxes, lost technolo...

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This one starts with Robby blow-drying his mustache into submission and Ian finally explaining why the hell he’s always recording from his car. From there, we somehow get into journaling and whether writing down your darkest thoughts is therapeutic or just conveniently creating evidence for later. Robby still hasn’t called about his missing Slingshot, we struggle to remember what a recurring bill is called, talk about running everything through credit cards for points, and once again decide gravity is basically fucking magic. Then it’s back into WoW Forever: avoiding burnout before...

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This one starts with Roxy and Slinky doing their usual size-mismatched dog bullshit before we get distracted by feeding schedules, giant dog crunches, and whether Roxy is secretly patrolling the house all night. Then it’s time for random facts, and Ian chooses the deep sea—which immediately turns into four-hundred-year-old Greenland sharks, colossal squid with rotating hooks, metal-armored snails, red camouflage underwater, zombie worms that absorb nutrients from whale bones, and goblin sharks with nightmare fuel for jaws. Naturally, goblin sharks remind us of Xenomorphs, so the conversation derails into Alien, Predator, Prom...

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This one starts with a mystery pile of pee, an ancient Alienware laptop, and Robby showing off his Coraline nails before we inevitably fall headfirst back into WoW Forever. Ian decides he wants two mains—one Horde and one Alliance—while Robby tries to settle on a family surname for his ridiculous number of characters. That leads us from Gloomhammer to Albatross, Ian badly remembering The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and the important clarification that albatrosses are, in fact, real fucking birds. From there we start brainstorming weapon-based name...

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Sweenis is back again and at this point we’re not even sure he qualifies as a guest anymore, so we unofficially promote him to honorary host before immediately getting distracted by pet snails, stink bugs, trash juice, and dogs that know they’re supposed to run away after they fart. Robby discovers that removing his phone case may have finally solved months of overheating and disconnects, we get into painful tattoo spots, challenge coins, terrible WoW Forever character names, and Sweenis’s plan to work just long enough to pay off basically everyt...

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This one starts with Robby planning out WoW Forever character names, including Tauren ideas like Spicy Buffalo Wing and Kicking Wing, before we wander into dwarf haircuts, tiny tanks, dog names, five-spice seasoning, sesame oil, wings, and Robby trying not to spend his cash at the bar. Then Roxy takes over the conversation, which somehow leads to giant-dog logic, strong-willed Cane Corsos, and Robby spotting what he is convinced for a few seconds is a fucking pterodactyl flying over the yard. Ian tells the story of Brooke successfully fucking with him over a...

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This one starts with Slinky’s cheese curds, questionable family photo habits, and a surprisingly long debate over how to pronounce charcuterie before Ian gets into something a little more serious: deciding it’s probably time to move on from his current job once the house situation is finally settled. From there, we talk retirement money, credit-card points, work-life balance, sugar-mama jokes, and why some jobs just aren’t worth the stress. Then Asher wanting to “make potions” somehow launches us into chemistry, Breaking Bad, drugs, and Robby’s idea for padded safe zones where...

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This one starts with Robby fighting his headset, phone, Wi-Fi, heat, and basically every piece of technology he owns before settling into a much better topic: WoW Forever. He hits the current level cap, starts debating whether the future group should roll five undead paladins or actually build a useful team, and realizes he’s already fallen back into old-school questing habits. From there, Ian’s rough workday somehow turns into another space-time rabbit hole involving GPS satellites, gravity changing how fast time passes, mechanical watches, relativity, black holes, photons, and the problem of h...

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Billy joins us for this one, immediately proves he has absolutely no filter, and somehow the conversation goes straight from Robby’s failing phone into internet videos none of us should have ever seen in the first place. After collectively deciding everyone is better off never Googling certain things, we move into fantasy sports, terrible draft luck, workplace trash talk, and the universal strategy of doing the exact opposite of whatever Robby and Billy recommend. Then things get aggressively military: inappropriate deployment stories, jack-off competitions, “meat-gazing duty,” drug tests, strip searches, MEPS doctors, and Bi...

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Sweenis joins us for this one, Robby shows up late, Starlink immediately starts acting like Starlink, and somehow we end up planning where everybody should move once the kids are grown and retirement money can actually do some damage. From there, Robby unveils his last-ditch attempt at a cool hairstyle—the fucking woodpecker—while Sweenis explains why he gave up trying to grow a beard and just grows hair instead. We get into military coins, Ian staying in England, Robby threatening violence against his overheating phone, Step Brothers quotes, and why WoW...

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This one starts with Robby’s decade-old headset finally showing its age before we get into remote-job hunting, whether $60–70K is enough to justify going back to full-time work, Ian’s abandoned shirt-business dreams, and the point where making more money stops being worth giving up your free time. Robby considers going back to the kitchen, we discover the podcast’s greatest power is simply bleeping somebody’s name and making everyone wonder if we were talking about them, and Billy becomes the guy who just says whatever everyone else is thinking. Then a neighbou...

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This one starts with Robby’s ancient headset making screeching noises and somehow turns into one of our more brain-melting space conversations. We get into the double-slit experiment, quasars, gravitational lensing, photons that experience billions of years like an instant, and why none of that feels remotely reasonable even when the science supposedly checks out. From there, we drift into faster-than-light travel, quantum physics, warp bubbles, whether we’ll ever live long enough to see any of it, and the idea that somewhere on the other side of the universe there has to be a...

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This one starts a little heavier, with Robby talking about stepping away from the bar for a few weeks to get his head right, reset after a rough stretch, and figure out what he actually wants to do next. That somehow turns into becoming a third-base coach for a softball team, defending Grammy’s right to wander around the bar doing whatever the hell she wants, and then a full dive into World of Warcraft Forever. Robby’s already building characters, planning undead paladins, dragging Ian and Kirsty into a future dungeon group, and...

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Robby finally gets the new gaming PC he’s been talking about forever, complete with liquid cooling, enough power to make HOTS behave itself, and a new chair that somehow still manages to piss him off because it requires assembly. From there, we get another house update, praise for a mortgage broker who has gone well beyond what she signed up for, more Starlink cable troubleshooting, and a surprisingly long detour into what “hermetically sealed” actually means. Then it’s streaming setups, Dragon Ball Z Kai, why some sagas last forever, Dyson spheres, possible...

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This one comes with a guest. Joe Cheshire jumps in and suddenly we’re swapping old Air Force stories, talking sponsors, Lakenheath, Alaska, Florida, mountains versus beaches, British towns, drunken Bury nights, and the kind of military memories that make you realize none of us have changed that much. Robby also talks bar life, raising kids, empty-nester plans, and why pouring beer is still the superior bartending skill. Then the conversation drifts exactly where you’d expect: AI, artists versus generated images, whether Skynet is inevitable, Terminator, The Matrix, lizard people, conspiracy-theory military inst...

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This one starts later than usual, with no judgment from Ian, before Robby opens up about a rough Willow day, PTSD triggers, leaving work early, and how one conversation at a coffee shop turned into an emotional spiral. From there, the internet continues its war against the podcast, Starlink cables become suspect again, and Ian gives the latest painful house update involving rent charges, indemnity policies, lenders, solicitors, and a buying process that has somehow dragged on for a full year. We also get into motorcycles, dirt bikes, go-karts, childhood riding, people at...

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This one kicks off with Ian finally ordering a new phone, Robby debating the same, and both of us still trying to figure out whether the real villain is the phones, Starlink, the app, or just whatever “bottlenecking” nonsense is happening in the background. From there, we get into Robby’s rough Whatnot stream, bar boredom, doom scrolling, walking groups, testosterone checks, bloodwork, and the difference between talking to Alexa and talking to ChatGPT like they might eventually remember who was polite when the machines take over. Then it turns into Lego storage advice...

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This one starts before the intro with Robby deep in Hulk color lore, because apparently there are way more Hulks than anyone needed to know about. From there, we get into Erin’s baked ravioli, homemade pasta, pizza-roll logic, and missing the Viking buffet hard enough to cause emotional damage. The dogs then take over with Roxy guarding the fence, Slinky chaos, Amazon driver drama, and a weirdly thoughtful conversation about how animals experience the world through smell, sound, sight, touch, and whatever the hell snakes are doing with their tongues. After some fa...

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This one starts with Ian fully accepting his Pokémon Go nerd era after joining a random walking group on the heath, while Robby remembers chasing PokéStops around Edwards with Justin. From there, we drift into saving for a gaming computer, the never-ending nightmare of buying a house in England, renting houses instead of selling them, HELOCs, mortgage rates, and trying to pay things off without doing too much maths. Robby also finally unfolds the dog pool, Slinky gets dunked, Roxy turns water into a full-body drinking experience, and two forgotten ribeyes be...

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This one starts with the podcast already fighting for its life, a questionable pigeon rescue, and Erin discovering a new list of food allergies. From there, Ian vents about the never-ending house process, Robby talks Wing Wednesday chaos, bar staffing, and a possible new Colleyville location, and then we accidentally pick the most boring random-fact topic possible: grass. Once grass lets everyone down, we switch to conspiracy theories instead—moon landing doubts, birds not being real, reptilian elites, Hollow Earth, chemtrails, Antarctica secrets, Men in Black, and the possibility that Earth is basically Au...

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This one is basically a science argument with technical difficulties sprinkled on top. We start with the classic “can an airplane take off on a treadmill?” debate, break down wheels, thrust, lift, MythBusters, and why billionaires should stop wasting money on boring stuff and finally build a proper plane-sized treadmill. From there, we jump to whether the Moon makes more sense than Mars for our first real colony, NASA’s Mars helicopters, nuclear propulsion ideas, Ingenuity’s busted propeller, and why Mars drone footage should absolutely be monetized on YouTube. Then we end by Googl...

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A short one, but still somehow full of chaos. We start by fighting technical difficulties, blaming Elon’s internet, and trying to remember what we were even talking about before the recording fell apart. Then it turns into Slinky’s missing balls, dogs barking at neighbours, foldable pools, rock-chewing pets, and a quick dive into weird laws involving suspicious salmon and Switzerland’s lonely guinea pig rules. Eventually, Ian figures out Robby’s phone storage is probably the real villain, and we call it before the whole thing fully implodes. 

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This one starts with Lego Batman problems and quickly gets hijacked by a hummingbird that has apparently chosen Robby’s garage as its final boss arena. While Robby tries to figure out why the bird will not leave, Ian tells a baby-pigeon rescue story, we debate bats versus moths versus tiny owls, and Robby explains why his bat house gave up on life. After some fish-cake confusion and ramen hatred, we dive into deep-ocean facts: the midnight zone, snailfish living almost five miles down, giant squid eyeballs, bioluminescence, underwater mountain ranges, Mauna Kea, an...

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This one opens with Robby running late because salami and cheese cubes got in the way, which is honestly hard to argue with. From there, we get into work drama at the bar, tip culture in the States, why servers making two-something an hour makes no sense, and Robby’s idea of washing dishes just to fund wings and beer. We also talk remote jobs, paying off debt, the Slingshot versus the EcoSport, planning a future UK visit, Texas heat, actual UK rain, thunderstorm appreciation, and random facts that somehow end with Saturn fl...

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 This one starts relaxed and then drifts straight into weird territory. We talk Witch’s Brew, caramel apples, food videos, Brian Cox, Neil deGrasse Tyson, black holes, dreams, and whether our brains are building reality like some kind of personal simulation. Then Ian brings back the legendary deployment thong stories, including Rudolph, Ellie the Elephant, Ally the Alligator, poker nights in Korea, and the infamous Christmas card revenge plot aimed at one very angry Cowboys fan. Robby’s audio and video cut out around the 18-minute mark, so this one leans heavy on the f...

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In S2E51, Robby gets the EcoSport sorted with new tires and “trained” TPMS sensors before we drift into Lego figs, Whatnot sales, Kevin Costner movies, and Robby defending the new He-Man. We also bring back random facts with ancient honey, giant fungus, neutron stars, talking ravens, and the moon leaving us.

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In S2E50, we fight through more technical issues as Robby’s phone tries to cook itself, leading to cooling-pack inventions, Alani-assisted troubleshooting, and frozen vegetable solutions. We also debate whether green beans are actually beans, bring back random facts, talk crow taming, ancient history, flamingos, otters, DNA, and finish with the greatest crow dad joke ever: two crows are an attempted murder. 

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In S2E49, we talk ASMR, crunchy food videos, Oreo-dipping methods, soft cookies, childhood money, and how expensive games were even back in the day. Robby pitches No Man’s Sky, pirate games, and “Two Assholes” game reviews before Ian shares another house update, we debate savings versus spending, and somehow end up planning future Space-A travel, C-17 luxury, and a Top Gear rewatch. 

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In S2E48, we talk nature walks, questionable drink flavours, beard dye, balding genetics, Costco steaks, missing gravy, and Robby’s continued refusal to buy a box fan. We then test ourselves with ten random facts involving cube-shaped wombat poop, ancient sharks, unicorns, butt-breathing turtles, and an immortal jellyfish—before Robby demands a Facebook poll to decide whether Ian must finally watch The Princess Bride. 

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In S2E47, we fall into a Jupiter rabbit hole involving liquid hydrogen, solid cores, and whether throwing a match at the planet could create a new star. We also debate laying the PS5 flat, watch Robby’s internet turn him into Megatron again, compare meteor showers and eclipses, discuss another Corso puppy, hype fifty-cent Wing Wednesday, and finish with Ian finally getting closer to completing the house purchase. 

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In S2E46, Robby checks in from Alaska before flying home as we talk questionable vape flavors, Alaska-grown weed, and Peter Pug getting so excited he nearly shits himself. We also debate AI data centers and renewable-energy storage, hear about Robby’s four-wheeler trip through Alaska, and finish with VA claims, helping adult kids financially, and building credit. 

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In S2E45, we start with Roxy immediately getting in Robby’s face, old insults making a comeback, kids casually saying things they probably shouldn’t, and Ian trying out new cartridges because the current ones keep clogging. From there, Robby gets ready for Alaska, talks airport arrival habits, and Ian tells the story of Asher wanting to build a giant Zane/Ninjago mech with Robby when he visits. We then get into Power Rangers Megazords, Samsonite being “way off,” and Ian’s unexpected shoplifter takedown after seeing a security guard chasing so...

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In S2E44, we bring Jackson on for the first time and immediately get into Europe, Tucson heat, brick houses that refuse to cool down, and why Ian’s biggest complaint is still no AC. Jackson talks about his new private jet flying gig, hitting 49 out of 50 states, Alaska float planes, bush pilots, scary little-plane stories, and why he is absolutely not a water-plane guy. We also get into The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, buying art in Europe and accidentally paying more for shipping than the artwork, trains versus planes, ge...

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In S2E43, we start off talking GTA 5 money grinds, warehouses, motorcycle club missions, selling “math,” Coca-Cola, Mary Jane, counterfeit cash, forged documents, nightclub work, bunker runs, and Robby trying to make enough fake money to keep himself entertained before GTA 6. From there, we get into Lego Batman: Legacy of the Dark Knight, Batgirl’s annoying hacking mechanic, bad internet, recording locations, Ian’s house plans, writing down ideas, conspiracy theory shows, The Simpsons predicting everything, Kamala possibly running again, insane grocery prices, Texas beef somehow still being expensive, raw dog-diet ideas, p...

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In S2E42, we kick things off with Robby doom scrolling One Piece and GTA videos while Ian talks through house plans, office garage dreams, fire pits, fans for the kids’ rooms, and eventually getting AC installed. From there, Slinky’s cone-head chaos takes over, along with dog feeding routines, Roxy stealing leftovers, giant cow bones, Starlink problems, and Riverside turning Robby into full Megatron mid-conversation. We also get into how we categorize friendships, why some people are long-distance friends versus in-person friends, trying to animate podcast reels, Robby’s baseball game...

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In S2E41, we bring John back on and immediately get into retired “love me walls,” coins, shadow boxes, Robby definitely not smoking tobacco in Oregon, Jessie chewing rocks, and whether certain people looked like they grew up eating limestone. From there, we talk big-head headset problems, carbonated “water,” Robby getting caught at the bar when he was supposed to be recording with John and Ian, Riverside connection issues, Brooke having a boyfriend, John teaching his daughters real-world car skills, jump-starting cars, changing tires, oil changes, and why kids should know how to h...

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In S2E40, we start with Ian trying to have a sincere heterosexual-life-mate moment before Riverside immediately tries to ruin it with connection issues. From there, Ian talks about the London trip with the family, Asher walking all day without complaining, bumblebees checking out his toy bow and arrow, and the weird balance between letting kids burn off energy versus handing them an iPad. We also get into Slinky getting his nuts taken, Roxy needing approval after barking at everything, brutal Texas heat, and then fully derail into time travel, alternate...

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In S2E39, Ian and Robby start off getting into forgotten water, forgotten phone cords, grocery runs, crock-pot spaghetti sauce dreams, and whether pasta cooked directly in sauce would be genius or absolute mush. From there, we talk Robby getting called into work early, the ongoing beard and mustache maintenance saga, Movember plans, shoehorn mustaches, Oscar and his twin brother looking like real-life Hagrids, and Robby accidentally creating a cursed Voldemort soundboard moment. We also get into beard dye, ginger beard energy, ONE Championship knockouts, lip cuts, elbows, mouth injuries, weird...