Doing Marriage Well

Paul challenges cultural and Freudian myths about male and female sexuality, explaining how anatomy — not moral failure or poor technique — often determines whether a woman orgasms from intercourse.

He dispels harmful stereotypes, describes the role of clitoral vaginal distance, and offers a simple, practical suggestion (using a small vibrator between partners during face-to-face intercourse) to help couples improve their sexual connection.

A small vibrator

This episode looks at a common false image some women have of their husbands—treating them like a child or calling them a “man-child”—and explains how that perception can harm him, the marriage, and the children.

Paul explores why men’s playfulness and women’s higher daily stress can create misperceptions, and offers practical guidance: challenge your assumptions, communicate gently, and ask for reassurance before your husband takes a mental break so you both can work through problems together.

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This episode explores how a heartfelt but false view of a wife as fragile—shaped by culture or past experiences—undermines marriage. Paul explains how projecting weakness can lead to secrecy, imbalance, and justification of sin.

Listeners are urged to compare their inner assumptions with their spouse's reality, confess distortions, and pray for a truthful, honouring vision that strengthens partnership.

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This episode explores how past experiences and social stories cause us to 'gender profile' our spouse, letting fear and prejudice colour our view of their actions. Paul explains the difference between our reactive heart (Mr. Hyde) and our rational mind (Dr. Jekyll), and urges listeners to challenge their feelings, look for alternative explanations, and give their partner a large benefit of the doubt. Practical advice and a simple challenge—ask for one good thing about a partner next time someone complains—show how to shift perspective and strengthen marriage.

Host Paul explains that we perceive our spouse in two ways: the mind (facts, behaviour) and the heart (feelings shaped by past hurts). When the heart is driven by old wounds, it creates a ‘Hyde’ version that magnifies faults and erodes grace.

The episode offers a simple solution: work to get your heart to see what your mind already knows—address past influences and choose the Jekyll view of your partner so marriage can thrive.

In this episode Paul explains how silence, pretending, and failing to ask for what you need damage sex and marriage. He covers why people fake orgasms, why foreplay and clear feedback matter for both partners, and how embarrassment or fear of rejection keeps couples stuck.

Paul urges listeners to open the dialogue about desires and needs so sex can be better for both partners and the marriage can heal and grow.

This episode explores what to do when a spouse refuses to forgive, exaggerates past wrongs, or uses them to manipulate and gain sympathy. It explains common patterns—blown-up accusations, assigned intentions, and repeated rehashing—and why these behaviors harm the relationship.

Practical guidance includes apologizing and repenting when necessary, setting calm boundaries, refusing to be drawn into manipulation, and insisting that past issues already dealt with be left behind. The message: acknowledge wrongs, then protect the marriage by refusing to play the game of ongoing blame.

This episode explains how sidetracking and deflecting derail communication in marriage, with common examples like counter-questions, “you did it too,” and unrelated attacks.

Learn simple, practical steps to redirect the conversation, assert your right to be heard, and lead by example so both partners can resolve issues respectfully.

In this episode of Doing Marriage Well (June 9, 2026), Paul explains how allowing manipulative tactics—anger, threats, the silent treatment, or emotional blackmail—to work damages marriages, using a personal story to illustrate the dynamics.

He outlines clear responses: refuse to tolerate harmful tactics, set firm boundaries (walk away or get help), involve trusted third parties when threats or danger are possible, and seek professional support to change entrenched patterns.

This episode examines "broken behaviours"—patterns where one spouse tolerates mistreatment instead of setting limits. Using the image of a man calmly walking out when his wife attacks him, Paul explains that leaving is sometimes a healthy, loving choice that teaches boundaries.

Listeners will learn why accepting bad treatment is not loving, how broken behaviours form, and one practical step to stop them: decide not to endure harmful behaviour and remove yourself when it begins. Ignoring bad behaviour isn’t doing marriage well.

This episode explores the steady decline in sexual frequency among married couples, the surprising role of solo relief, and why the lack of sex can harm relationship satisfaction.

Paul emphasises communication and practical strategies—talking openly about desires, treating sexual drives as a shared issue, and simple steps like mutual masturbation to help couples understand each other and make more sex happen.

In this episode Paul urges couples to take ownership of their marriage by recognising that staying passive is itself a choice. He explains how unhappy marriages worsen over time and encourages listeners to identify their personal deal-makers (must-haves) and deal-breakers to decide what they will tolerate and what requires change.

Practical steps include making a list, reflecting on it, and then actively working on one attainable change—starting with something you can control—to prevent the relationship from reaching the point of no return.

In this episode Paul explores how one person's choices and reactions can reshape a marriage. He explains that changing behaviours, responses, and engagement—rather than demanding changes from a spouse—can shift dynamics and invite healthier interactions. He also emphasises setting boundaries against unhealthy behaviour, practising self-reflection, and offering consistent acts of kindness to encourage positive change.

In this episode Paul outlines five common reasons we resist change in relationships: feeling undeserving, identity tied to current behaviour, fear of failure, fear of loss, and comfort with the status quo.

He shows how these barriers can lead to sabotage, pushback from partners, and long-term stagnation and invites listeners to reflect on which patterns they recognise in themselves or their spouse.

Paul reminds us that doing marriage well looks different for every couple and that awareness, small steps, and encouragement can help overcome these obstacles.

In this episode, Paul and Lori encourage listeners to stop living other people’s lives or reacting in rebellion, and instead take responsibility for their choices—especially within marriage. They explain how most adults have the power to change their circumstances, despite fears and perceived barriers.

Listeners are asked to reflect on what they dislike about their life and marriage, identify real obstacles to change, and consider how they’ll feel if nothing improves in 5–10 years. Practical motivation to “get the remote” and make intentional changes.

This episode examines the relationship between sex and love in marriage, highlighting that neither can solve the other's problems. Using Mary McCarthy's insight—"You mustn't force sex to do the work of love or love to do the work of sex"—Paul explains why good sex and a healthy relationship are distinct but both necessary.

Practical guidance is offered: maintain a functional sexual routine while you actively repair and strengthen the relationship, communicate when spouses disagree about priorities, and revisit sexual intimacy once the relationship is healthier.

A recent observational study found that romantic partners who feel uncertain about their relationship tend to experience more negative emotions during everyday conversations. Researchers used recordings of couples rather than surveys, which revealed interaction patterns that surveys miss. People who are unsure where they stand often do not give their partner the benefit of the doubt and feel confused and concerned. Those feelings foster negativity and interfere with good communication. The study also showed that when partners helped with daily goals, people felt better during interactions, an effect that was stronger for women.

Uncertainty about the relationship...

Host Paul explores how neurodivergence — especially ADHD but also autism, dyslexia, prosopagnosia and others — shapes emotional needs and perceptions of support within marriage. He discusses a study showing many adults with ADHD feel they don’t receive the emotional help they need from partners and explains how different cognitive and emotional patterns can create relationship gaps.

The episode emphasises treating neurodivergence as a shared marriage issue, improving partner understanding, and seeking tailored support.

Resource: Two Different Brains in Love: Conflict Resolution in Neurodiverse Relationships ~ Gottman institute

This episode helps couples distinguish dreams, goals, aims, ambitions, targets, and quests—and shows why labelling and communicating your desires matter for a healthy marriage.

Paul and Lori share how a personal dream became a shared RV goal, offering practical steps to align visions, plus a mention of supporting the Humphrey family as they seek a home for eight foster children.

Speaking of fostering children, it’s been way too long since I mentioned the effort to build the Humphrey Family a home for their eight foster children. If you are looking for a good caus...

Doing Marriage Well — May 25, 2026: This episode examines whether venting actually helps with anger and why many studies show it keeps us stuck in a fight-or-flight state instead of calming us down.

Paul explains the difference between healthy reflection and harmful venting, and offers practical alternatives to reduce arousal—breathing exercises, long hugs, and slow walks (especially without rehashing the issue).

Learn how to ask your spouse to help you calm down rather than validate your anger, and why using your partner as a verbal punching bag harms your marriage.

This episode explores how cognitive biases and miscommunication affect couples' sexual lives, covering mismatched frequency estimates, misinterpreted signals, and misconceptions about female orgasm, and offers simple strategies for clearer communication and better understanding.

In this episode of Doing Marriage Well (May 21, 2026), Paul explains three cognitive biases that can damage relationships: the Zanargic effect (remembering unfinished tasks more than completed ones), negativity bias (focusing on problems over positives), and the false consensus effect (assuming your partner shares your views).

Paul offers a simple remedy: question your assumptions, ask clarifying questions, and intentionally notice the positive moments to counter these biases.

He closes with a reminder that every marriage is different – and a lighthearted dispute over the "right" way to hang toilet paper.

Today’s episode explains two cognitive biases—the availability heuristic and anchoring bias—and how they make us overestimate past mistakes and ignore present improvements in our partners. Using everyday examples, it shows why we remember some events more easily and why first impressions can unfairly shape ongoing expectations.

Practical tips include mentally tracking high points, challenging assumptions like "they always/never," and consciously acknowledging change so effort is noticed and relationships can grow.

Paul explains how fundamental attribution error and self-serving bias make us excuse our own faults while blaming our partner, creating anger and distance in marriage.

He offers simple fixes: try imagining external reasons for your spouse’s actions and ask a trusted friend to point out when you’re being unfair, so you can see yourself honestly and improve your relationship.

In this episode of Doing Marriage Well (May 18, 2026), Paul explores how cognitive biases—like confirmation bias—distort how we interpret our spouse’s words and actions, leading to misunderstandings and hurt.

He gives everyday examples (feeling underappreciated, criticism loops, jealousy, and perceived incompatibility) and encourages listeners to examine their own thinking, give their partner the benefit of the doubt, and choose reality over negative assumptions.

This episode explores the choice between accepting a painful, unchanging part of your marriage and issuing an ultimatum. It offers practical questions to decide if the issue justifies divorce, how to grieve and move forward, and ways to live well, whether your spouse joins you or not.

It also explains how to give an effective ultimatum—clear expectations, a timeline, written documentation, outside accountability, and realistic consequences—while preparing for resistance and staying committed to the health of the marriage.

In this episode Paul explores how sexual choices—especially pornography and emotionally empty sex—damage marriage. He explains how men and women often misjudge consequences, how porn can undermine trust and desire, and how empty sex leaves partners feeling unloved.

Paul offers practical perspective: recognize the real costs of your choices, prioritize emotional connection, and treat your partner’s sexual desire with respect to restore intimacy and protect your marriage.

This episode explores how fear—fear of failure, fear of change, and fear of a spouse's anger—undermines healthy choices in marriage. It explains how avoidance and control keep problems from being addressed until they grow worse, and why third-party help or firm action may be necessary to break the pattern.

This episode explores why we often label a partner as "lazy" and shows how burnout, low motivation, or emotional detachment can be the real issues behind marital friction.

Paul encourages honest self-reflection and calm conversations, and explains how identifying the root cause—rather than assigning blame—helps couples choose healthier responses and work toward change.

This episode examines how avoiding conflict by sacrificing core beliefs creates a false, temporary peace that ultimately harms marriages. It explains cognitive dissonance and gives real examples—changes in faith, parenting, politics, or sexual boundaries—people make to keep the relationship intact.

Paul encourages listeners to stand firm, pray, and remain open to correction rather than giving up essential convictions for peace, because protecting your identity and truth is healthier for your marriage in the long run.

This episode explores how letting our spouse’s actions dictate our responses undermines marriage. Paul explains why blaming your partner and reacting emotionally stall harmony, and why choosing to do what’s right—even when you’re the only one—creates healthier patterns.

Practical takeaways include doing your part without keeping score, having difficult conversations before burnout, and addressing issues calmly by focusing on what you need from your spouse rather than threatening to stop contributing.

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In this episode Paul explains why premarital coaching is essential for couples—especially blended families—and how getting help early prevents or prepares you for future problems. He recommends tailored multi-session coaching (not a one-size-fits-all book study), using tools like Prepare and Enrich, and stresses that good coaching must address sex and continue as a resource after marriage.

With real-life examples, Paul shows how pre-premarital coaching turned into a healthy marriage for a previously divorced couple and urges listeners to encourage young couples to seek focused, face-to-face premarital support.

Paul urges couples not to suffer in silence and encourages seeking help for sexual problems. He highlights the Marriage Bed Forum and forums as safe, Christian places to read experiences and ask questions.

He covers the pros and cons of getting help from friends, church leaders, and professionals, stressing the importance of trained Christian therapists and warning against harmful suggestions like porn or open relationships.

The episode reminds listeners that sex is a vital part of marriage, many issues are fixable, and reaching out for support can restore intimacy and strengthen the marriage.

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This episode explains when it’s time to seek professional help for your marriage, how to find a trustworthy Christian counselor, and practical options including online therapy platforms.

It covers cost and insurance realities, the value of referrals, blended-family expertise, setting clear goals for counseling, doing the work (homework), and staying open to personal change.

Regain

This episode explores how pastors, vetted lay leaders, and marriage-focused small groups within your church can provide meaningful support for struggling marriages.

It discusses pros and cons—training and privacy concerns—how church-backed help can be low-cost or free, and how group accountability and prayer can produce breakthroughs.

TMB message boards

This episode explains how friends can be a couple’s greatest asset or biggest liability: choose one spiritually mature, discreet friend with a strong marriage who will challenge you and protect confidentiality.

It also encourages couples with healthy relationships to help others, offers the idea of couple-level support, and reminds listeners to recognise limits and refer to professionals when needed.

Paul explains why a neutral third party is one of the best allies a marriage can have and why meeting as a couple is often wiser than seeking one-sided help.

He outlines how to choose help, set expectations and boundaries, involve faith, and bring a reluctant spouse into the process.

This episode addresses the critical issue of sexual frequency in marriage and how prolonged dissatisfaction can damage relationships. It explains why a lack of intimacy often leads partners to feel unloved, drift apart, or even pursue divorce or infidelity, and emphasises that insufficient sex is an emergency that requires immediate attention.

Paul urges couples to seek help, communicate openly, and take responsibility for improving their intimacy to protect their marriage from becoming roommate-like or ending entirely.

This episode explores the quiet compromises couples make in their sex lives—when partners go along with acts they don’t enjoy and how differences in preference and changing desires complicate intimacy.

Using examples like breast play and oral sex, the host explains why honest, kind communication matters; suggests how to open conversations (starting with “it’s me"); and emphasises that dislikes can be valid even without full explanation.

Practical alternatives and compromises are offered—timing, position changes, finishing differently, or trading acts—along with the reminder that sexual life evolves and that flexibility, gratitude, and clear re...

Paul explains how to address annoying habits in marriage by distinguishing two common situations: staying silent or repeatedly raising the issue. He stresses choosing a good time, being kind, admitting your own part, and framing requests as “I need your help.”

Practical suggestions include setting phone-free times, using headphones, offering help with tasks, creating a light signal to break habits, and praising small improvements to encourage lasting change.