Stuck Not Broken

Most people believe change is possible. The harder question is whether you believe it’s possible for you. This episode makes the case that the belief you can’t change isn’t a fact but a story that reflects the state you’re in, and shows you the proof already in front of you: other people have changed, you’ve changed before, and you’re changing now. You’ll also hear the difference between thinking you can change and actually feeling it.

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Stuck and broken are two very different problems, and which one you believe you are changes everything about what comes next. This is the title chapter. You’ll hear why every one of us is running on the same biological hardware no matter how different our lives look, what it means to call your trauma a stuck state rather than a defect, and why the stuck point you’re in right now is the hopeful part. You’ll also hear why the next one, after this, isn’t failure. It’s just what growth looks like.

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You already know what Bill does. This episode is about what's underneath it: the stories he tells himself, the things he keeps quiet, and the beliefs he never chose. You'll learn what a cognitive adaptation is, how the same mental habit sounds completely different depending on the state you're in, why humans isolate and keep secrets when animals don't, and how the beliefs handed to you can block the very pulls that would bring you toward safety. It ends with one question for you: how do you keep yourself stuck?

A note before you listen: from about 5:42...

Wild animals live with danger every day and don't get traumatized. So why do you stay stuck? In this episode, you'll meet Bill, a father, husband, and business owner who can't see what's driving him. You'll also learn the two ways we keep ourselves stuck without noticing: we ignore the body's self-regulation impulses, and we reach for behaviors that let us avoid feeling what's actually there. Part 2 picks up the stories we tell ourselves.

Chapters

0:00 Why Wild Animals Don't Stay Traumatized

0:41 Meet Justin & About This Audiobook

1:43 Last Time: Co-Regulation

2:02...

Your nervous system doesn't just calm down on its own — more often than you realize, it borrows the calm from somebody else. This episode covers co-regulation: the specific cues your body sends and reads without you ever thinking about it, eye contact, tone of voice, the tilt of a head, what it means if you don't have a self-regulated person in every part of your life, and what actually happened, biologically, in the room with Maria before her hands ever moved.

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Sometimes the most useful information in the therapy room isn't in what someone says; it's in their hands. This episode breaks down self-regulation on a nervous system level: the two main ways we do it, top-down (thoughts) and bottom-up (body), why top-down tricks work in the moment but don't solve anything on their own, and a session with a client whose hands were saying something her voice wasn't.

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You can't just decide to calm down, but you can strengthen the thing that makes calming down possible. The vagal brake isn't a body part, it's the influence of your safety state on your heart, and it's what lets you move between mobility and stillness without dropping into full defense. Here's what it actually is, how to start strengthening it even if "feeling safe" is a foreign concept, and the two skills, pendulation and titration, that come out of a strong one.

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Trauma isn't the event. It's what happens afterward, when your nervous system gets stuck defending against something that's already over. This episode breaks down the two distinct paths that lead there: one from a single overwhelming moment, the other from years of disrupted connection, and what separates someone with one specific trigger from someone who's never had access to safety at all.

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👉Start free in the community: https://www.st...

Not every survival strategy looks like fighting back or running away. Sometimes it looks like befriending the person who's hurting you.

This episode covers the last two mixed states: appease (safety plus flight/fight plus shutdown — all three primary states at once) and fawn (flight/fight plus shutdown, but without safety). What separates a hostage using social skills to stay alive from someone disappearing inside an abusive home. Why both states likely require significant dissociation to survive. And where I personally land on how much weight these two deserve as actual Polyvagal Theory mixed states, versus maybe so...

Sitting still should be the easiest thing in the world, right? But for a lot of people, it's maybe the hardest.

This episode moves into the third mixed state: stillness and intimacy — safety plus shutdown, immobility without fear. What actually makes it safe to sit still, use the restroom, or fall asleep at night. Why meditation, yoga, and even bedtime can feel dangerous for someone who lives in flight, fight, or freeze. And what changes the moment a safe person joins you in stillness.

This is Episode 12 of the Stuck Not Broken audiobook — Book 1, Trauma & the...

Wrestling with your kids. Trash-talking during a pickup game. Screaming through a game of tag. On paper, those look like danger cues, so why do they feel so good? Play is what happens when your safety state and your fight-or-flight mobility switch on at the same time. Here's what's actually happening in your nervous system when you play, why the game changes the moment it moves from the living room to online voice chat, and what it looks like when a kid mobilizes with no safety behind it at all.

🛏️ Sponsored by Cozy Earth. Go to cozyearth.com a...

Freeze is not the same as shutdown, even though people use the words like they mean the same thing. Shutdown is a limp collapse. Freeze is tense: all the energy to run or fight, with a body that can't move. It's the gas and the brake at the same time, and it's underneath panic, phobias, and that flash of rage that comes out of nowhere. Here's what's actually happening in a freeze, how to come out of one in the moment, and why a long-held freeze has to be thawed slowly rather than forced.

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F...

Sometimes the body's answer to too much isn't panic, it's the opposite: going quiet, going numb, wanting to disappear. That's shutdown, the bottom of the Polyvagal ladder, and it's where a lot of what gets called depression actually lives. Here's what it feels like from the inside, why your body would ever reach for it, and the slow, gentle way back up. No pushing through, no forcing it.

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Or go straight to what's best for you:

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Anxiety and anger can feel like opposites, but they are two sides of the same state. Fight or flight is your sympathetic nervous system mobilizing to protect you: flight shows up as anxiety and worry, fight as anger and irritability. This one is about what that state feels like, what it looks like in a person's face, breath, and voice, and why a system built for short bursts can leave you feeling stuck when it stays switched on. Courtney's story picks back up here too, and the day takes a turn.

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Find your stu...

Safety is the state where life feels workable. Not perfect, just manageable. It's the top of the ladder and the place we're all reaching for, so this episode is about what it actually feels like in your body, what it looks like on someone's face and in their voice, and what it really takes to get there. You'll also meet Courtney, whose story we follow throughout the states from here.

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Find your stuck state, and your starting place: https://www.stucknotbroken.com/stuck

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You're getting things done. Answering texts, making dinner, showing up. But underneath it you feel wired and flat at the same time, like you're watching your own life through a foot of glass. That's functional freeze: your gas and your brake pressed at once, and "functional" just means you're still getting through the day while it runs. In this episode I break down what freeze actually is, how it's different from burnout, depression, and shutdown, why the two obvious moves (pushing through and checking out) both backfire, and one small orienting practice you can try today to let the...

Ever notice your thoughts get meaner when you feel bad, and softer when you feel good? That's not a coincidence, and it's not a flaw in you. "Story follows state" means the story in your head comes out of the state your body is in, not the other way around. Once you catch it happening in real time, a dark story starts to lose its grip.

👉 New here?

Find your stuck state, and your starting place: https://www.stucknotbroken.com/stuck

Or go straight to what's best for you:

👉Start free in the...

Ever notice your thoughts get meaner when you feel bad, and softer when you feel good? That's not a coincidence, and it's not a flaw in you. "Story follows state" means the story in your head comes out of the state your body is in, not the other way around.

👉 New here?

Find your stuck state, and your starting place: https://www.stucknotbroken.com/stuck

Or go straight to what's best for you:

👉Start free in the community: https://www.stucknotbroken.com/join?invitation_token=25c72b8c15987838a4a6bcc54b1bd65...

You can't just decide to calm down, sorry to say. The Polyvagal Ladder is a simple metaphor for how your nervous system moves: safety at the top, fight-or-flight in the middle, shutdown at the bottom, one rung at a time. Once you can see which rung you're on, a lot of the reactions you've beaten yourself up over start to make sense, and stop feeling like proof that something's wrong with you.

the Polyvagal Current - https://www.stucknotbroken.com/polyvagal-current

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You don't decide to beat your heart, take your next breath, or digest your lunch. Something else runs all of that, every second, without checking in with you. That's your autonomic nervous system. This episode breaks down what Polyvagal Theory is in plain language and how it questions the old "sympathetic vs. parasympathetic" idea.

👉 New here?

Find your stuck state, and your starting place: https://www.stucknotbroken.com/stuck

Or go straight to what's best for you:

👉Start free in the community: https://www.stucknotbroken.com/join?invitation_token=25c72b8c15987...

After seven years and nearly 300 episodes, I'm trying something I don't think anyone else is doing: giving you all of my Polyvagal Theory knowledge, directly. And free.

Season 2 of the Stuck Not Broken podcast is different from the regular show. It's the full audiobook of my first book, Stuck Not Broken: Book 1 - Trauma & the Polyvagal Paradigm, read chapter by chapter, right here in the feed. No book to buy. No course. Just the whole thing.

If you've ever wanted to actually understand your nervous system, what it's doing and why, this is the place...

What if the stories you tell yourself about your worth, your past, and how you got here aren't the whole truth, and you're still the one holding the pen?

This is Episode 1 of the Stuck Not Broken audiobook: Book 1 - Trauma & the Polyvagal Paradigm. We start by questioning the stories you have about yourself and open the possibility of a new one.

👉 New here?

Find your stuck state, and your starting place: https://www.stucknotbroken.com/stuck

Or go straight to what's best for you:

👉Start free in the commun...

"That's bulls***." That was my honest first reaction, back in 2018, to the work I now build my entire career around.

In this episode of the Stuck Not Broken audiobook, I invite you to challenge your paradigm:

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What does it mean to be a "gentle rebel" — and how does creativity fit in? In this episode, I talk with Andy Mort of The Haven community about rebellion as openness rather than aggression, why highly sensitive people often need space and safety to access their creative voice, and how creativity is less about the finished product and more about the ongoing process of becoming yourself. We get into the difference between self-soothing and self-expression, the role of constraints in creative work, why unsolicited criticism rarely helps, and how to take a small, honest first step toward reconnecting with wh...

If you've ever sat down to meditate and felt like you were failing at it, this episode is for you. In this special episode, I read a section from my new book, Stuck Not Broken Book Three, on why most people are meditating wrong — and what to do instead. We'll get into:

Meditation isn't about forcing your thoughts to stop or sitting st...

In this episode, Justin Sunseri sits down with Erick Cloward, host of the Stoic Coffee Break podcast, for a deep dive into the Stoic practice of Amor Fati, or "loving your fate." Learn how to connect ancient Stoic wisdom with modern nervous system science. Erick and Justin discuss how to use principles from Stoicism and Polyvagal Theory to practice self-regulation, manage anxiety, and build emotional strength.

Discover how to stop fighting reality and instead find power in accepting what is. This conversation explores how to embrace your emotions, turn obstacles into opportunities, and live a more virtuous...

The Polyvagal Theory has transformed how we understand the nervous system—but somewhere along the way, it became a wellness industry bandwagon. In this episode, I'm breaking down how a legitimate scientific framework got diluted into oversimplified soundbites, and why that matters for your actual healing.

📱 Ready to practice self-regulation? Try the Stuck Not Broken app for free - https://www.stucknotbroken.com/app?src=podcast

🌸 Not sure which stuck state you're in? Recognize where you're at and join the free community here - https://www.stucknotbroken.com/stuck?utm_source=podcast&utm_medium=audio&utm_camp...

When your partner is in shutdown, you're not just watching it happen—you're in it too. This episode is for the partners who feel like they're losing their person, who don't understand what's happening, and who wonder if they're making it worse. In this episode, I break down:

EMDR is everywhere — but do you know what's actually helpful? Or if it is at all?

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) has become one of the most talked-about trauma treatments around. But most people — and, honestly, many therapists — reduce it to one image: a finger waving in someone's face. That shorthand is costing people clarity about what's actually working.

In this episode, Justin Sunseri breaks down what EMDR really is beyond the eye movements, what the research actually says about its effectiveness, and — more importantly — what the science says is doing the heavy lifting when it wo...

A paper co-authored by 39 scientists called the Polyvagal Theory "untenable" — and now psychology influencers are announcing the Theory is "dead." But is it?

I'm Justin Sunseri, therapist and member of the Polyvagal Institute's Editorial Board. That means I review work for Polyvagal Theory accuracy. So let me actually look at the claims.

In this episode, I break down Paul Grossman's paper "Why the Polyvagal Theory Is Untenable." We need to objectively check whether his criticisms accurately represent what the theory actually says. Because if they don't, the counterarguments are moot.

Links mentioned:

Is your self-help routine actually making things worse?

The self-help industry has one answer for everything: do more. More habits, more discipline, more effort. But for a nervous system that's already overwhelmed — stuck in sympathetic flight/fight, freeze overdrive, or dorsal shutdown — more doing can mean more frustration, more overwhelm, and more defeat.

In this episode, I break down 5 common self-help habits that may be working against you if you don't yet have the nervous system capacity for them.

Capacity Builder Live (live meditation sessions) → https://www.stucknotbroken.com/c/calendar/?topics=182524 Unstucking Academ...

Stop forcing yourself to relive the most painful moments of your life before your body is ready to handle them.

Traditional therapy often skips the most critical step — building the physiological capacity to actually process what comes up. Justin Sunseri breaks down why flooding your system with past trauma makes things worse, and what to do instead.

📱 Ready to practice self-regulation? Try the Stuck Not Broken app for free - https://www.stucknotbroken.com/app?src=podcast

🌸 Not sure which stuck state you're in? Recognize where you're at and join the free community here - h...

Justin Sunseri dives deep into the paradox of meditation and anxiety. If you've ever felt that meditation or breathing exercises make you more anxious, you're not alone—and you're definitely not broken. Justin explains how your nervous system might be signaling for a different approach, especially for those who experience freeze dominance.

🌸 What You'll Learn:

🌸 Resource...

Does a mental health diagnosis explain why you are suffering, or does it just give your suffering a name?

In this episode, I challenge the traditional way we look at mental health labels. While a diagnosis (like depression, anxiety, or ADHD) can be a helpful shorthand for professionals, it often becomes a trap for the person receiving it—convincing them they are "broken" rather than adapting to their life context.

To illustrate this, I share the story of two hypothetical clients: Penny and Milton. Both come to therapy with the exact same heavy symptoms.

What if I told you that your ability to practice Stoicism isn't just about willpower or mindset—but about the actual physiological state of your nervous system? In this episode, I dive deep into a profound quote from Epictetus that perfectly illustrates how our autonomic nervous system affects our capacity to respond wisely to life's challenges.

Using the metaphor of water, light, and appearances, we'll explore:• Why some days Stoic practices feel effortless while other days feel impossible• How your nervous system state acts as a "filter" for all incoming reality• The real reason willpower alone isn't enough f...

There's more to me than Polyvagal Theory—I'm also a dad. And sometimes the best lessons come from the most unexpected places... like watching my son walk barefoot in sandals through a cold, rainy parking lot.

In this reflective episode, I share a simple family moment that reminded me: mindfulness looks different for everyone. When my son told me he loves feeling "the air flowing between his toes," I realized he'd found his own way to be present—even if it made his parents cringe.

Key Takeaways:

→ Kids often know what they need and ca...

"That was a long time ago. I don't think it affects me anymore."

Have you ever said this about something from your past? In this deeply personal episode, Justin shares his own recent experience of discovering how past trauma still lives in the body—even when we're not thinking about it.

After a major spinal surgery in 1997, Justin thought he'd moved on. But when new back issues required x-rays nearly 30 years later, he felt something unexpected surface: a saddened familiarity, an inward collapse. The past was still there, waiting.

This episode offers a re...

A balloon floated down from the hotel ceiling. My son said, "Hit it back."

I was sitting on a bench, quietly processing—reflecting on a loud, joyful Italian family reunion the night before, thinking about my upbringing, the conversations with my brothers, how my wife and I are raising our own kids. I wanted to stay in that quiet space.

But then a wave of irritation hit me. And in that fraction of a second before the balloon touched my head, a thought arrived:

This moment may never happen again.

In th...

When your spouse is dysregulated, shut down, or lashing out in anger—what's really happening? And more importantly, what can YOU do about it?

In this episode, I break down:

✓ The biological difference between being technically safe and *feeling* safe

✓ Why your partner may not identify you as a safety cue (even if you're trying)

✓ The "Polyvagal Ladder"—how shutdown → anger → safety actually works

✓ Why fight activation coming out of shutdown is actually a GOOD sign

✓ The painful relationship cycle (and how to break it)

✓ 4 practical tips to sh...

Two years ago, I said AI couldn't replace therapists. I was wrong—about the technology, anyway. In late 2025, AI can now see you, hear your voice, and remember everything you say. But just because it can doesn't mean it should. In this episode, I'm exploring what's actually possible, who AI might actually help, and the uncomfortable questions we're not asking yet. This one might upset you. Good.

📱 Ready to practice self-regulation? Try the Stuck Not Broken app for free - https://www.stucknotbroken.com/app?src=podcast

🌸 Not sure which stuck state you're in? Recognize where yo...