The Messy Middle Podcast

There’s a stage of recovery I don’t think we talk about enough.

It’s not the leaving. It’s not the boundaries. It’s not understanding what happened or learning to trust yourself again.

It’s the moment when you suddenly realize you’re not waiting anymore.

You’re not waiting for him to understand what he did. You’re not waiting for his family to finally see it. You’re not waiting for your children to understand. You’re not waiting for an apology, for karma, or for some future moment when everyone f...

“I don’t know who I am anymore.”

It’s something I hear from women all the time after leaving a relationship - especially after years of narcissistic abuse, emotional control, or simply living in a relationship where they became very good at adapting themselves around someone else.

And while I understand why we want to say, “You’ll find yourself again,” I’m not actually sure the goal is to get the old you back.

Because which version of you are we talking about?

The woman you were before him? Before marriage...

What if your self-improvement journey has quietly become another way of telling yourself you’re not enough?

I’ve noticed how easy it is to turn healing and personal growth into another fucking project. I’ll date when I’m more confident. I’ll apply for the job when I’ve dealt with my imposter syndrome. I’ll set the boundary when I’m more healed. I’ll wear the bikini when I finally make peace with my body.

There’s always another version of me waiting in the future - the one who is supposedly more regu...

What if you've spent years trying to become the version of yourself you think is easiest to love?

I think a lot of women would say they don't believe love has to be earned.

But then we look at what it actually looks like in their relationships, and sometimes there's a very different story underneath.

In this episode, I’m digging into what happens when you stop auditioning for love and start asking a much more interesting question: What am I choosing?

We talk about:

Have you ever finally sat down… only to get back up again 30 seconds later? Why does rest feel wrong when you're completely fucking exhausted?

And even when you do sit down, your body might be on the sofa while your nervous system is still clocked in.

I see this all the time with the women I work with - and I've experienced it myself.

We often think we're bad at resting. That we need to learn better self-care. That we just need to manage our time better or become better at swi...

Why do you replay conversations in your head long after they’re over?

You know the drill.

Three days later, you’re in the shower, driving, folding laundry or making dinner - and suddenly you’re replaying that conversation again.

What they said.
What you said.
What you should have said.
What you’ll say if it ever happens again.

And somehow, your brain has turned one awkward conversation into a full Netflix series.

But what if this isn’t simply “overthinking”?

In this episode of The...

Have you ever spent more time choosing a coffee, a shampoo, or a paint color than you did making one of the biggest decisions of your life?

If you've left a controlling, manipulative, or narcissistic relationship, you're not imagining it. Those tiny everyday decisions can feel surprisingly overwhelming - and it isn't because you're bad at making choices.

In this episode, we explore why survivors often lose trust in their own judgment, how years of criticism and gaslighting condition your nervous system to see even small decisions as dangerous, and why the hardest part of...

Have you ever noticed how saying a simple "No, I can't make it" somehow turns into a five-minute explanation?

You start listing your schedule, apologizing, justifying your decision, and trying to make sure the other person understands... even though they never asked for all the details.

If that sounds familiar, you're not alone.

In this episode of The Messy Middle, we're unpacking one of the most common survival patterns after emotional and narcissistic abuse: over-explaining.

Because over-explaining isn't really about sharing information.

It's often about trying to manage someone...

Can healing ever become a way of avoiding life?

It sounds like a strange question... but if you've been reading all the books, listening to every podcast, taking every course, journaling endlessly, and still feel like your life isn't actually changing, this episode is for you.

In this honest and thought-provoking conversation, we explore a pattern I see time and time again with survivors of narcissistic abuse: the moment when learning and self-awareness quietly become a substitute for taking action.

Because understanding yourself is powerful.

But eventually, understanding has to become...

Have you ever caught yourself laughing, enjoying a peaceful day, or realizing you hadn't thought about your ex for hours... only to be hit by an unexpected wave of guilt?

If you've experienced emotional or narcissistic abuse, happiness can feel surprisingly uncomfortable.

Not because you don't want it but because your nervous system learned that peace never lasted.

In this episode of The Messy Middle, I explore why so many survivors feel guilty when life starts getting better, why joy can feel unsafe after trauma, and how healing isn't about forgetting what happened...

You escaped the relationship. You survived the chaos. So why are you suddenly so angry?

If you've found yourself feeling unexpectedly furious months or even years after leaving a narcissistic or emotionally abusive relationship, you're not going backwards. You're healing.

In this episode of The Messy Middle, we explore why anger often arrives long after the relationship ends, why so many women fear it, and why healthy anger is one of the clearest signs that your nervous system finally feels safe enough to tell you the truth.

You'll learn:

How long should healing take after narcissistic abuse? What if you're still thinking about it years later?

If you've ever caught yourself thinking, "I should be over this by now," this episode is for you.

One of the biggest traps survivors fall into isn't staying stuck. It's believing they shouldn't still be affected by what happened. Society expects you to move on, stop talking about it, and become the "better" version of yourself on someone else's timeline. But recovering from emotional abuse isn't the same as getting over a normal breakup.

In this...

Do you ever look around and feel like everyone else got the life you were supposed to have?

The stable relationship. The career. The home. The confidence. The clear direction.

Meanwhile, you're trying to rebuild after emotional abuse, betrayal, divorce, coercive control, or years spent surviving instead of thriving.

In this episode of The Messy Middle, Erica explores the painful belief that you're somehow "behind" in life, and why that feeling is so common for survivors of narcissistic and emotionally abusive relationships.

When you've spent years managing someone else's moods, walking...

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, "I seem okay on the outside... but inside I'm still struggling"?

After narcissistic abuse, emotional control, betrayal, or a high-conflict separation, many women find themselves functioning long before they feel healed.

You're going to work, looking after the kids, handling responsibilities, showing up for everyone else, and from the outside it might seem like you've moved on.

But underneath? You're still carrying grief, triggers, confusion, anger, and moments that knock the wind out of you.

In this episode of The Messy Middle, Erica explores the...

One of the most confusing parts of recovery after narcissistic abuse or coercive control is the moment you catch yourself wondering:

"Was it really that bad?"

In this episode of The Messy Middle, Erica dives into the painful spiral so many survivors experience after leaving an abusive relationship. The memories start to soften. The good moments rise to the surface. The loneliness feels louder than the harm. And before you know it, you're questioning your own reality all over again.

If you've ever found yourself missing someone who hurt you, replaying the good...

Dating after narcissistic abuse or coercive control can feel less like excitement… and more like a full-blown survival exam.

In this episode, I’m talking about why dating after abuse often becomes loaded with pressure, hypervigilance, self-criticism, and endless overthinking.

The “Am I gonna miss the red flags again?” spiral. The scanning. The second-guessing. The feeling that every interaction somehow determines whether you’ll end up hurt all over again.

But what if dating wasn’t actually about finding “the one” right now?

What if it became a practice ground for rebuilding self...

After narcissistic abuse or coercive control, there’s a phase nobody really talks about enough: the moment you go from missing red flags… to seeing them absolutely everywhere.

In this episode, I’m talking about the hypervigilance that kicks in after emotional abuse recovery.

That feeling where every comment, every inconsistency, every weird vibe suddenly feels loaded. Your nervous system is scanning constantly. Your body reacts before your brain can even catch up. You start wondering: Am I finally seeing clearly… or am I becoming too guarded?

We dive into the overcorrection phase that so...

If the idea of dating again still makes you feel physically ill, this episode is not for you yet, and that is completely okay. But if you have got to the point where you are dipping a toe back in, or even just thinking about it, this one is for you.

Because something strange happens when you start dating after narcissistic abuse or a high control relationship. You expect to be better at spotting the warning signs. And in some ways, you are. But there is another layer that nobody really prepares you for.

Your...

Financial Fear After Narcissistic Abuse: What Nobody Talks About

There is a moment that hits almost every woman after she leaves. Sometimes it is not right away. Sometimes it is weeks later, late at night, looking at her phone or her bank account, and it lands like a quiet, heavy dread.

I am on my own. And I am going to have to fight for everything.

This week I am talking about financial fear after narcissistic abuse, and I want to be honest about how much bigger this is than most...

In this episode, I’m talking about something that almost every woman I’ve ever worked with eventually hits: the quiet grief of “wasted years.”

It’s that heavy moment of looking back at a relationship and thinking, I lost myself in that. Sometimes it’s years, sometimes decades. And it often comes with shame, confusion, and a harsh inner narrative that says you should have known better.

But what if that whole story is built on hindsight that your past self simply didn’t have access to yet?

Let’s get into it.

In thi...

If you've ever walked away from a controlling or abusive relationship and found yourself completely frozen over the smallest decisions — what to wear, whether to text someone back, what to order for lunch — this episode is for you.

It's not just that you stop trusting them after manipulation, control, or abuse. You stop trusting yourself.

And that's the part nobody really talks about. Your internal compass gets scrambled. Not because you're broken, but because you were trained to override it. Over time, the loudest voice in your head stops being yours. It becomes theirs. And once...

No one prepares you for this part. You think leaving the relationship will be the hardest thing… until your world starts getting smaller in ways you didn’t expect.

In this raw and honest episode, I dive into the social fallout that often follows leaving a narcissistic or high-control relationship. 

The friendships that fade. The family members who stay neutral. The quiet distance. The subtle disbelief. The gut-punch comments like “it takes two.”

And the part that hurts the most? Wondering if it’s somehow your fault.

I break down why this happen...

“I’ll never need anyone again.” If you’ve said this (out loud or quietly to yourself) after coercive control, betrayal, divorce, or going no contact… this episode is for you.

In this conversation, I’m unpacking the very real phase so many women enter after high-control or narcissistic relationships: the swing from “I can’t survive without them” to “I will never depend on anyone ever again.”

And I want to normalize this immediately: That response makes sense.

If trusting someone meant humiliation…
If vulnerability meant punishment…
If needing support gave someone leverage over...

You finally got out. The chaos has stopped. So why does peace feel flat? Restless? Almost… boring?

In this episode of The Messy Middle, I’m talking about something that so many women experience after leaving a narcissistic or high-control relationship but rarely admit out loud:

Calm can feel uncomfortable.

Instead of relief, you might feel numb. Irritated. Agitated. Like something is missing. You might even catch yourself missing parts of the relationship and immediately spiral into, “What is wrong with me?”

Nothing is wrong with you.

If you l...

Who am I when I’m not managing someone else’s moods?

Who am I when I’m not bracing for the explosion, calculating the cost of my resistance, or shrinking myself to keep the peace?

In this raw and deeply honest episode of The Messy Middle, I’m diving into one of the most disorienting questions we face after narcissistic abuse and coercive control:

Who am I without him?

This isn’t just about being single. It’s about identity loss after emotional abuse. It’s about what happens to you...

What happens when you’ve been gaslit in your relationship… and then gaslit again by the medical system?

In this episode of The Messy Middle, I respond to a listener question that so many women quietly carry:

What do you do when you’ve been dismissed, minimized, and made to doubt yourself - not just by a partner, but by doctors?

This isn’t about “bad bedside manner.” This is about institutional gaslighting. And for survivors of emotional abuse, it can feel like retraumatization all over again.

In this episode, we unpack:

What happens when your body knows the truth before your mind is ready to admit it? 

In this deeply personal episode of The Messy Middle, I reflect on a powerful message from a listener who paused the podcast to do inner child work in real time: hugging a childhood toy, asking what she needed to hear, and speaking words of truth her body had been waiting for. 

That moment wasn’t random. It wasn’t “woo.” It was healing. 

This episode is about learning to trust the moments your body speaks before your brain catch...

In this episode, I’m responding to listener messages that came in after the Inner Child ep, including one powerful moment that stopped me in my tracks. 

A listener shared how she paused the podcast, climbed into bed with her childhood stuffed zebra, and spoke truth to the younger version of herself. What she described is exactly what real healing looks like - not performative, not perfect, but embodied, intuitive, and honest.

From there, we move into some big, thorny questions I get asked all the time:
Do we have to forgive our parents?

In this final episode of The Messy Middle Six Keys series, we’re closing with the key that changes everything: Abuse Dynamics Education.

If you’ve ever wondered why you still doubt yourself… Why therapy, books, or “doing the work” hasn’t fully set you free… Or why a part of you still feels hooked to someone who treated you like shit…

This episode is for you.

We’re talking about the hidden mechanics of emotional and narcissistic abuse. Not surface-level red flags, but the real operating system behind manipulation, gaslighting, coercive control...

If you’ve ever wondered why boundaries feel impossible, why you keep going back, or why your body reacts before your mind can catch up, I made this episode for you.

If you’ve done the therapy, read the books, understand the patterns of abuse, manipulation, or people pleasing, and yet your body still freezes, fawns, shuts down, or betrays you at the exact moment you need it most, this episode is for you.

This is a deep dive into somatics and energetics, and why trauma doesn’t live in your thoughts. It lives...

Let’s talk about boundaries. The real kind. Not the affirmations you repeat in the mirror and then immediately override when someone pushes. I mean lived boundaries. The ones you feel in your body before they ever become words.

In this episode of The Messy Middle, I’m unpacking why boundaries feel so uncomfortable, scary, and even dangerous for so many of us, especially if you grew up without them, were punished for having them, or survived narcissistic abuse, coercive control, high-conflict relationships, or lifelong people-pleasing.

I share why boundaries aren’t a communication problem, they’r...

In this episode of The Messy Middle, I’m diving into intuition and why so many of us learned not to trust it, fear it, or shut it down completely.

If you’ve experienced emotional abuse, gaslighting, narcissistic relationships, chronic people-pleasing, or high-control dynamics, there’s a good chance your intuition wasn’t just ignored, it was actively dismissed, minimized, or punished. Over time, that teaches you to second-guess your own knowing and disconnect from your body altogether.

I talk about how...

This episode is personal. It’s a little dark, a little tender, and honestly one of the more vulnerable things I have put 'out there'. 

TRIGGER WARNING - In this episode, I talk about domestic violence, abuse, trauma, and the ripple effects of generational harm. If you need to skip this one to protect your nervous system, I fully support that.

Thirty years ago, my dad died. Not the stepdad who raised me for most of my life, but my biological father, whose story is woven with violence, patriarchy, poverty, and sur...

If you’ve ever heard that vicious little voice in your head whispering things like you’re not smart enough, you always mess everything up, everyone’s laughing at you, this episode is going to hit home in the best possible way. Because that voice? It isn’t you. And today, we’re ripping the mask right off it.

In this raw, intimate episode of The Messy Middle, I’m taking you back to the moment I finally realized my inner critic wasn’t my voice at all. It was training. Conditioning. A survival strategy installed by people who onc...

In this raw and unfiltered episode of The Messy Middle, I’m pulling back the curtain on one of the most defining moments of my healing journey and why Inner Child Work became Key One in my Six Keys to Unfu*kwithable.

 I’m talking about the truth-telling, throat-tightening, survival-trained younger me. The part of me who learned early to shrink, perform, stay quiet, and swallow every truth just to stay safe.

I share the deeply personal story of sitting in couples therapy with someone who was actively cheating on me, the gaslighting that nearly broke...

In this episode of The Messy Middle, I’m diving into the question I get asked with equal parts fear, dread, and heartbreak: Will this always happen to me?

If you’ve ever whispered that to yourself after surviving narcissistic or high-control dynamics, you’re not alone. And no, you’re not cursed, broken, or doomed to attract the same person in a different body for the rest of your life. What you are is a human being who learned survival in a world that normalizes manipulation, misogyny, and emotional labor piled onto your shoulders.

In...

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why did I stay so long?” after an abusive or controlling relationship — this one’s for you.

In this raw, unfiltered episode, we break down the real reasons survivors stay — and spoiler alert: it’s not because you’re weak, naïve, or broken. It’s because your nervous system, your hope, your history, and a masterclass in manipulation were all working against you.

We unpack the shame hidden in that question, the biochemical addiction of intermittent affection, and how childhood wounds, conditioning, and culture keep so many women loyal to chaos disg...

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why did I stay so long?” after an abusive or controlling relationship — this one’s for you.

In this raw, unfiltered episode, we break down the real reasons survivors stay — and spoiler alert: it’s not because you’re weak, naïve, or broken. It’s because your nervous system, your hope, your history, and a masterclass in manipulation were all working against you.

We unpack the shame hidden in that question, the biochemical addiction of intermittent affection, and how childhood wounds, conditioning, and culture keep so many women loyal to chaos disg...