Undressing Intimacy: Marriage, Sex, & Relationship Coaching

In Episode 111 of Undressing Intimacy, Greg and Amy explore the foundational longing behind almost every marriage struggle: the deep human desire to feel truly chosen by your spouse.

They unpack how couples unintentionally create friction by projecting their own internal rules and desire styles onto each other. Greg and Amy reveal that desire dynamics aren't limited to physical connection—spontaneous and responsive desire styles also apply to emotional intimacy, where one partner may be spontaneous for emotional connection while the other is responsive.

By stepping away from tracking, demand, and manipulation, Greg and Amy demonstrate how...

In Episode 110 of Undressing Intimacy, Greg and Amy explore the dangerous fairytale fantasy that love alone should effortlessly sustain a marriage. They discuss how expecting a friction-free relationship actually keeps couples stuck using protective coping strategies instead of doing the real work of growth.

Greg and Amy share candid stories from their own journey, illustrating what happens when couples hit "the wall" of conflict and fear. Rather than backing away or withdrawing when pain arises, true intimacy is discovered right on the other side of that discomfort when both partners choose to walk through the wall together.

Greg and Amy tackle a topic that affects almost every modern relationship: how technology, phones, and constant screen distractions create distance between spouses.

In response to a listener's email, Greg and Amy explore the concept of emotional buffering—using scrolling, social media, shopping, food, or work as dopamine-driven distractions to numb or avoid processing uncomfortable feelings like stress, anxiety, or fatigue.

They unpack terms like "phubbing" (phone snubbing) and "technoference" (technology interfering in daily relationship moments), showing how unaddressed phone habits send covert signals to your spouse that they aren't worth your presence. Plus, Greg an...

In Episode 108 of Undressing Intimacy, Greg and Amy explore how so many couples get caught talking about their physical intimacy only through complaint or criticism—and how to break that cycle once and for all.

Greg and Amy dive into the daily rituals that bookend a healthy marriage, balancing both the domestic bucket (getting life done and building emotional safety) and the erotic bucket (playfulness, passion, and soulful connection).

They introduce a powerful new tool born directly out of their coaching sessions: The Erotic Check-In. Designed to build erotic capacity without triggering defensiveness or complaint, thi...

In Episode 107, Greg and Amy explore what it takes to move past defensive power struggles and step into genuine repair by setting your ego aside.

Many couples get stuck fighting over intent, but real connection begins when you drop the armor and take ownership of the emotional impact your actions have on your partner. When you anchor your self-worth in an internal "North Star"—your potential and personal integrity—your worth is no longer on trial during arguments. Plus, Greg and Amy kick off the episode with a hilarious role-reversal experiment where they tried swapping spontaneous and resp...

Welcome to Episode 106, coming to you live from Greg and Amy's newly finished podcast studio! In this episode, Greg and Amy dive deep into unlearning purity culture, establishing an internal "North Star," and transitioning from defensive ego reactions into genuine erotic presence.

Many couples carry mixed messaging and shame around modesty, nudity, and desire. But true erotic connection isn't about performing or meeting external expectations; it requires claiming full ownership of your body, stepping out of defensiveness, and anchoring your worth internally.

In this episode, we cover:

When you want sex with your partner, what are you actually seeking? In Episode 105, we unpack author Emily Nagoski's "Big Four" motivations for erotic connection and explore what really drives us toward physical intimacy when we strip away obligation, duty, and performance.

Many couples fall into the trap of viewing sex as a task to check off, a way to release stress, or a tool to manage a partner's mood. But true eroticism requires stepping out of the "domestic bucket" of doing and into a space of pure being, presence, and mutual choice. We break down the f...

Happy two-year anniversary to Undressing Intimacy! In Episode 104, we step back to celebrate two full years of the podcast by answering the single most fundamental question underneath almost every relationship struggle: How do we get our partner to choose us?

If you strip away all the surface-level arguments about schedules, chores, and frequency, the core human desire in marriage is to feel freely chosen. But when anxiety hits, most of us default to control—trying to manipulate, pressure, earn, or "fix" our partner so they will finally validate our worth. In this episode, we unpack why these con...

We are officially one episode away from our two-year anniversary! To kick off this milestone episode, we are thrilled to announce Jacob Swanson as the official winner of our 100th-episode private coaching giveaway!

The core of today's episode is a deep dive into what actually unlocks transcendent, mind-blowing physical intimacy. The hard truth is that great sex isn't about matching libidos or trying new techniques—it is about cultivating the emotional capacity and nervous system stamina to stay present in the room when things get vulnerable.

Many couples do not realize that unprocessed emotions act as...

This week, things are a little different! Special guest host Tony Overbay turns the microphone around to interview us about our own raw, 28-year marriage journey. We pull back the curtain on the first 17 years of our marriage when we struggled deeply with intimacy, and the "nuclear explosion" of pornography discovery.

We discuss how we moved past "white-knuckling" into true, differentiated connection by shifting how we handle safety, honesty, and desire.

Key breakthroughs unpacked in this interview:

Are you constantly modifying yourself, walking on eggshells, or "should-ing" all over yourself to keep the peace? In Episode 101, we dive deep into the hidden cost of people-pleasing in relationships. Developmentally, every human being starts out needing external validation to feel safe. But when we get stuck chasing that "gold star" of approval, we trade our presence for temporary predictability—and we end up erasing our true selves in the process.

True intimacy requires two whole, differentiated individuals. When you erase your desires, your opinions, and your boundaries to manage your spouse's emotions, you disappear from the equ...

We made it to Episode 100! To celebrate this incredible milestone, Greg surprised Amy with a completely unscripted, highly competitive game of "Who Said It? Greg or Amy?" We went back through all 99 of our past episodes to pull out our deepest, funniest, and most raw quotes to see if we could guess who originally said what. Spoiler alert: we tied, argued about the rules, and had a blast taking a walk down memory lane.

Tune in as we revisit some of our favorite relationship breakthroughs and discuss:

Are you tired of intimacy feeling like a transactional chore or a high-stakes game of emotional chess? In Episode 99, we are doing a deep dive into what it actually takes to reclaim true desire in your marriage. We unpack how covert expectations and subtle sexual manipulations completely choke out the spark, and why the real payoff only happens when you finally let go of trying to control or please your partner. True intimacy is about cultivating the emotional capacity to let your spouse choose you freely, rather than using sex to validate your worth or secure temporary safety.

In Episode 98, we are joined by master educator and neurodiverse relationship expert Jodi Carlton! We explore what it really looks like to build a thriving marriage when partners operate on completely different relational "wiring".

Instead of looking at autism or ADHD as a deficit, we challenge the idea of "normal" and discuss how to understand these differences simply as differently wired operating systems. We dive deep into the "double empathy problem," navigating extreme sensory differences in the bedroom, and how to stop treating your partner like a project to be fixed.

In this episode, we c...

In Episode 97, we are diving deep into a topic that profoundly impacts our ability to be present during sexual intimacy: body image. How we feel about our bodies directly affects our eroticism, our sense of self, and our capacity to experience arousal and desire.

While this struggle heavily impacts our female listeners due to the endless societal messaging about beauty standards, we acknowledge that men face these performative pressures, too. We unpack the dangerous habit of "measuring" our bodies against impossible ideals—analyzing everything from our eyelashes to our waistlines—and how this critical lens completely blocks us f...

In Episode 96, we conclude our amazing two-part conversation with licensed marriage and family therapist Tony Overbay. Building on last week's discussion about the difference between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and extreme emotional immaturity, Tony breaks down his highly requested "five rules" for interacting with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner.

We discuss how to step out of the chaos of co-regulating with an unhealthy partner and learn to hold your ground. We also explore a powerful quote about becoming a "liberator" rather than a "jailer" for your spouse's inner child, helping us reframe emotional immaturity not as a...

Title: Is It Narcissism or Emotional Immaturity? Part 1 with Tony Overbay

Episode Description: In Episode 95, we are thrilled to welcome licensed marriage and family therapist Tony Overbay, host of The Virtual Couch and Waking Up to Narcissism. We dive into the widely used buzzword "narcissism" and break down the difference between actual Narcissistic Personality Disorder and extreme emotional immaturity. Tony explains how true narcissism involves a self-esteem that cannot hold on its own, a need for external validation, and a lack of empathy. He also details how a lack of "whole object relations" and "object constancy" prevents...

In Episode 94, we apply the concept of fleeting joy directly to the bedroom and our sexual relationships. We discuss why sexual intimacy is often the place where we feel the most exposed, which can trigger anxiety, performance, or dissociation instead of true connection.

For spontaneous desire spouses, finding joy in intimacy means learning not to extract validation from your partner and dropping the expectation of a pre-built "sexual playground" so you can co-create one together in the moment. For responsive desire spouses, it means overcoming the fear of receiving pleasure, escaping the trap of being "needless and...

In Episode 93, we dive into the core foundation of a thriving marriage by exploring concepts from Scott Austin Martin's book, Safe: The Minimum Standard for Intimacy. We tackle a word that often acts as a major trigger for husbands: "safe". Because men are traditionally raised to be providers and protectors, hearing their wives say "I don't feel safe" can feel like a direct accusation that they are physically dangerous or failing at their role.

However, we break down what women actually mean when they use this word—emotional safety. We discuss how our primitive brains and nervous sy...

In Episode 92, we tackle the complex and sometimes controversial topic of purity culture. For many couples who grew up with a heavy emphasis on strict sexual behavior and modesty, the resulting anxiety and shame can create difficult roadblocks in marriage. We discuss the confusion of being taught that having natural sexual thoughts or feelings makes you "impure" or a "sexual deviant," and how that mindset stifles true intimacy.

We explore how to transition from relying on external rules—constantly asking an outside source, "Is this okay?" or "Is this position okay?"—to developing a strong sense of pers...

In Episode 91, we tackle one of the most challenging seasons for a relationship: rebuilding emotional and physical intimacy while raising babies and toddlers,. We answer a listener's question about how to ask for connection when your spouse is completely exhausted and giving everything they have to the children. We explore why bids for intimacy often get misinterpreted as added pressure or demands during this chaotic stage, and how to create space for touch without expectations.

We also dive into "Differentiation June" to discuss how marriage acts as a mirror, exposing our blind spots and the worst parts...

In Episode 90, we take a deep dive into female sexuality, anatomy, and arousal. We explore the historical myths and shame that have surrounded female pleasure, explaining how women's sexuality has often been mislabeled as a medical illness, sinful, or performative. We discuss how the female body is exquisitely designed for pleasure and the importance of women owning their desires at any age.

We also follow up on the Sexual Blueprints to discuss the "shadow side" of desire, specifically looking at how "shape shifters" can sometimes feel overwhelmed because they find arousal in so many different areas. Finally...

Title: Discovering Your Sexual Blueprint: The 5 Types of Arousal and Desire

Episode Description: In Episode 89, we dive into the fascinating world of somatic sexologist Jaiya and her five erotic blueprints. If you have ever felt like you and your spouse are speaking two completely different languages in the bedroom, this framework will change everything. By understanding how your body and nervous system respond to intimacy, you can stop feeling like one of you is "broken" and start building a shared sexual playground.

We break down each of the five erotic types, exploring their unique "accelerators"...

In Episode 88, we have the incredible privilege of interviewing our friend and coaching client, Jared. Jared openly shares his personal journey of confronting his use of pornography, realizing it had become a way to escape the stresses of life and find a "counterfeit" feeling of desire. He discusses the pivotal moment when he shifted from trying to fix or change his wife to taking full ownership of his own actions and defense mechanisms. Jared also reveals how he tackled his internal "Notorious B.I.G." narrative—a constant fear of missing out (FOMO) that kept him endlessly searching for "mo...

In Episode 87, we dive into a deeply personal and vulnerable topic: what happens when you feel like you are losing attraction to your spouse. Amy opens up about a time when she confessed to our mentor, Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, that she wasn't sure she was attracted to Greg anymore. Through a tough but necessary coaching session, Amy discovered that her "loss of attraction" was actually a defense mechanism masking her deep fear of losing him. By hyper-focusing on his habits and viewing him as a threat to her heart, she was building a wall to protect herself from potential...

In Episode 86, we are tackling a growing modern trend: the emergence of technology like ChatGPT and AI in relationships. While AI can be a fantastic tool for organizing data or summarizing coaching sessions, turning to it for relationship advice can be a dangerous trap.

Because AI models are programmed to validate the user and seek a "thumbs up," they are inherently narcissistic and will often tell you exactly what your ego wants to hear. This creates a form of "emotional porn" that offers cheap validation without requiring any real vulnerability or personal accountability. True intimacy requires risk...

After taking a week off, we are back and ready to add some practical spice to the foundational concepts we've been discussing. While we usually focus heavily on the emotional principles and meanings behind connection, in Episode 85, we are taking a detour into the actual techniques and mechanics of physical intimacy.

For years, many responsive desire spouses (often women) have approached sex from a place of performance, duty, or servicing their partner's needs. In this episode, we explore how to make the massive mental shift from "pleasing my spouse" to "this pleasure is for me". We discuss...

 While we are busy painting houses, unpacking boxes, and helping move our grandbaby across the country, we are rolling back the tape to bring you a replay of one of our absolute favorite (and most listened-to) past episodes.

In Episode 84, we dive deep into the fundamental differences between male and female eroticism. We explore Dr. Emily Nagoski's concept of "non-concordant arousal," unpacking how women can sometimes experience physical arousal without an emotional or mental connection—and why that completely blows our spontaneous male partners' minds,. We also tackle the common trap many higher-desire spouses fall into: playing the...

Are you and your spouse constantly stuck in a power struggle over who is "right" and who is "wrong"? In Episode 83, we dive into the discomfort of uncertainty in marriage and why trying to "solve" your relationship differences is actually pushing you further apart. Growing up, many of us were taught that there is a strict black-and-white way to do life, which makes the inevitable differences in marriage feel like a massive threat (Greg even shares the story of our very first married fight... over a toilet plunger!).

We explore Esther Perel's concept that "relationship dilemmas are...

What happens when someone from the outside—like an extended family member or in-law—starts impacting your marriage? Whether it's a mother-in-law trying to take over with a new baby, expectations to fund expensive family vacations, or navigating the dynamics of a parent moving into your home, these outside influences can create massive conflict between you and your spouse.

In Episode 82, we explore how to protect your marriage from the heavy impact of extended family dynamics. We share our own personal story of navigating these tensions when Greg's mom moved in with us, and we unpack why tryi...

Are you or your spouse using narcissistic habits to cope with hidden insecurities? In Episode 81, we clarify that we aren't talking about clinical Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but rather the everyday coping strategies people use to regulate unstable self-esteem through external validation.

We dive deep into the two sides of the narcissism coin: overt and covert. Greg shares his past as an "overt" validation-seeker who relied on grandiosity, achievements, and competitiveness to feel like he was enough. Amy opens up about her "covert" narcissism, explaining how she played the role of the overwhelmed victim and used caretaking as...

Ever wonder why one of you is always ready to go (foot on the gas) while the other needs everything to be "just right" before getting in the mood (foot on the brake)? If you are constantly navigating mismatched desire, you are not broken—you just have different operating systems!

In this episode, we dive into Emily Nagoski's "Dual Control Model" to explore the specific accelerators and brakes that impact male and female sexual desire. Amy explains the "restaurant analogy" to help spontaneous partners finally understand responsive desire—showing why needing the right context, reading the "menu," and...

Episode Description: What do you do when your marriage is built on a great foundation of friendship and teamwork, but your sexual intimacy feels stagnant and stuck in a box that you are terrified to open?

In Episode 79, we are joined by our amazing clients, Nikki and Michael, who bravely share their two-year coaching journey from living with hidden shame to creating a deeply connected, passionate marriage. Michael opens up about letting go of the heavy burden of isolation and his need to present a "perfect" facade, learning instead to step back and give his wife the...

Title: How to Bring Back the Spark: Reconnecting After Marriage Conflict

Episode Description: Ever tried hanging wallpaper with your spouse? If you have, you know how quickly a simple home project can turn into a tense power struggle! In Episode 78, we use our own recent wallpapering adventure to break down exactly why couples get stuck fighting over the small things.

When constant conflict takes over, emotional safety disappears—and without emotional safety, physical intimacy simply cannot thrive. The marketing world loves to sell us quick fixes, but the truth is that no new toy, pill, or...

Have you ever reached out to your spouse for connection, only to realize later that you were actually just feeling anxious and needy?

In Episode 77, Greg and Amy get real about the messy emotions that flare up during transitions and time apart. Greg shares a vulnerable story from his recent trip to Arizona for a horse show—which happened to fall over their 28th wedding anniversary. He opens up about how he tried to initiate intimacy from afar by sending a fantasy, only to realize it was actually an "anxious reach" loaded with covert expectations.

Jo...

Title: How to Bring Back the Spark: Why Pornography Kills True Eros and How to Heal

Episode Description:

Is a hidden struggle silently suffocating the passion and connection in your marriage? In this deeply personal and raw episode, Greg and Amy tackle one of the most sensitive and widely misunderstood topics in modern relationships: pornography.

Moving past the shame and rigid labels, Greg shares his own painful journey, explaining how labeling pornography strictly as an "addiction" can actually strip away a person's agency, leaving them feeling hopeless and broken. Instead of staying stuck...

Are you drowning in the "Domestic Bucket" of marriage, leaving zero energy for the "Erotic Bucket"? If you feel more like exhausted roommates than passionate lovers, the culprit might not be a lack of physical desire, but the crushing weight of invisible labor.
In Episode 75, Greg and Amy are joined by Dr. Adrian and Kendra Harvey to discuss how the mental load and unequal distribution of household tasks can secretly kill the spark in your relationship. Drawing on core concepts from Eve Rodsky's book Fair Play, this conversation breaks down how to make invisible work visible by truly sharing...

Have you ever had an amazing night of intimacy, only to wake up the next morning with completely different reactions? In this episode, Greg and Amy dissect the "Rinse and Repeat" phenomenon—where the spontaneous partner wants to immediately replicate the experience, while the responsive partner simply wants to bask in the afterglow.

They explore why trying to "produce" that same magic again often kills the mood, the fine line between desire and neediness, and how to savor the connection without suffocating it with expectations

📢 SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: We are looking for a brave couple to be coa...

Are you looking for the "10 steps to perfect intimacy"? In Episode 73, Greg and Amy explain why looking for certainty and checklists often kills the very spark you are trying to create. If your sex life feels like a production or a to-do list, this episode reveals why "eroticism hates a job description" and how to shift from doing to being.

In this episode, we cover:

Do you find yourself fighting to win arguments rather than fighting for your relationship? In Episode 72, Greg and Amy dive deep into the difficult but necessary work of forgiveness and why holding onto resentment is a barrier to true intimacy. If you are stuck in a cycle of defensiveness or feel like you constantly need your spouse to validate you, this episode offers a roadmap out. Greg and Amy discuss: • The Trap of Validation: Greg shares his personal struggle with being a "validation seeker" and how constantly looking for credit prevents true self-reflection and growth,. • "Unjustifying" Yourself: Why the most impo...