Conflict Owner's Manual
When you improve your conflict skills you improve your relationships. We're tech support for the conflict skills you already have, so you do conflict better. Our logo is a dandelion because conflict is like a weed invading your garden. You want to know how to manage it, and keep it from spreading. In each episode, we give you one real life conflict competency you can use right away to improve your skills, which will also improve the quality of your relationships. Dr. Deborah Sword is a specialist in conflict analysis and management. Tyson Bankert is a community facilitator and artist. We...
Take these steps to prevent a conflict before it starts #156
Preventing a conflict from happening feels as good as resolving one after it happens. Conflict prevention is my favourite conflict competency. Maybe you're wondering why you'd want to prevent a conflict. Maybe you think you're compromising a principle or giving in when you prevent a conflict. But, when you prevent a conflict, people can feel less tense around you, they don't make you the villain in their story. So, be the one to reach out, who tries to understand, and asks what you can do to repair a problem before it's a conflict. Relationship repair is easier the earlier...
How to coach yourself to be more conflict competent 155
Coaches in life, work and sports can add value to your life by helping you explore problems and create solutions. What if you become your own conflict coach?
Self-coaching turns your curiosity inward, from asking about the conflict to asking about yourself. How are you showing up in the conflict? Are you being the version of yourself in conflict that you want to be? What are the questions to ask yourself that will get you the quality of relationship you want to have? We discuss how we coach ourselves, as examples.
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Do you have hidden conflict skills? (yes) 154
Conflict owner’s manual has one goal: to help you think about the skills you already have so you can use those skills under pressure. That’s right. You already have most of the skills you need to manage conflict better, but can you use them when you wind up in a conflict?
I show you four conflict skills you already own, and then how to use them so your mind doesn’t go blank when you most need your conflict skills. Because when you own your conflict skills, you can then change the conflict.
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What you lose when you insist on winning the conflict 153
Do you try to get the one outcome you prefer in a conflict? You might get your desired outcome, and it might feel like you won. But did getting your way harm the relationship?
Doing conflict well doesn't mean getting the outcome you want. Doing conflict well is a process of using your conflict skills, staying curious and open minded. Getting the outcome you prefer means you've persuaded someone you're right or that they should do what you want.
Doing conflict well, improves relationships. Getting the one outcome you want gets you the outcome you tho...
Silence can be a smart thing to say in conflict #152
Most people have been in a conflict where angry words were exchanged, often loudly, as each party attempts to persuade, and win the argument. I show you a conflict skill that can get you out of the argument. Here are three ways you can use silence to decline the invitation to fight and improve the quality of your relationship.
Show notes
TYPES OF SILENCE: https://covisioning.com/9-types-of-silence-and-the-impact-of-each-one/
IMPORTANCE OF SILENCE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBj4Xzpi14U
MEET JOE BLACK: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yqmms1pl6T0
Do your beliefs about conflict add fuel to the fight? #151
From our first experiences with conflict, we form beliefs about how conflict "should" be. What you believe about how conflict "should" be conducted is how you conduct yourself in conflict.
How old are your current beliefs about what conflict should be like?
If you examine your beliefs about what conflict "should" be, you can decide which beliefs help you be conflict competent.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.
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Are you trying to argue someone out of their belief? Do this instead #150
What people believe is how they behave.
If you're using arguments to try changing someone's rules, opinions, decisions or perspective, you aren't likely to change their beliefs.
Same belief. Same behaviour.
Nothing changes, but the arguments can turn into a power struggle that frustrates everyone.
If that person is a gatekeeper, that is, someone whose decisions and rules affect you, then you want the gatekeeper to listen to you. Here's a way to be heard, and understood.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a con...
How you fight vs. how often: which matters more? 149
Maybe not fighting in a relationship is a good sign, and maybe it's a warning flag. How do you tell the difference? Does not fighting mean you're avoiding hard to discuss topics so that there's no conflict? Does that feel like a healthy relationship?
We show the difference between no conflict because the relationship is fine, and no conflict because you aren't communicating about what's important. We discuss what to do after you know which is getting in the way of improving your relationships.
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If your conflict OS is outdated, so are your conflicts #148
Are old problems and failed relationships still in charge of your new problems and current relationships? Here are three ways to get better at managing conflicts.
When did you last update your beliefs about how to do conflicts better?
What if you got better at managing the conflicts you have? Becoming better at conflict is possible, and you do it with your own brain's operating system update.
Your general beliefs about conflict can get out of date, and if you still follow them, you repeat the same exhausting, failing conflict pattern.
I help you apply the...
What is your conflict trying to tell you? #147
Conflicts have important information for you. When you're in conflict, you think about how the other person is wrong, or hurtful or disappointing etc. But, your thoughts are also information you can use to understand yourself, and to turn conflict into opportunities for doing better.
Here's how you can use that information to increase your conflict competence, and improve the quality of your relationships.
And, for fun, we added an end clip of Tyson and Deborah before recording the episode discussing how they'll talk about the topic.
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Three approaches to owning your conflicts 146
We talk about owning your conflict, but what does it mean to 'own' your conflict? Consider these three meanings of ownership: 1. personal, 2. interpersonal, and 3. using your conflict competencies. Use all three to help you self-regulate, show up for others, and improve the quality of your relationships.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.
Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear...
Can you be impartial while taking a side? #145
Tyson surprised Deborah with a question: Can someone pick a side in a conflict, but then be impartial in the conflict?
We discuss the differences in neutrality, impartiality, and advocacy. When faced with polarized conflict, we tend to take sides, and become advocates for one of the opinions. But, when we take a side, we become emotionally involved and conflict skills can desert us. We admit to being advocates for everyone to be more conflict competent.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with d...
When someone won't listen to you, do this. #144
Sometimes, you mean well but the other person in the conflict just won't hear you. Maybe you want to talk, even to apologize, but they've cut you off, blocked and ghosted you. You can still follow these suggestions to own your conflict, and you may also achieve your goal but in a different way.
Send us a text. We love hearing from you.
Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.
Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask...
Three questions when someone disappoints you 143
If you are disappointed in someone, it's tempting to blame them for not meeting your expectations. The conflict competent response is to ask yourself these questions, which will improve the quality of your relationship. Is your expectation reasonable; what are you asking the other person to do or change; what do you agree on?
When you and the other person understand each other, whether you agree or not, you create more than you have alone.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades o...
Three ways to handle hurt feelings in conflict 142
Feelings are often hurt in conflict, and it's tempting to blame the other person for hurting you. Whether you are 100% at fault for the conflict or did nothing wrong, you can feel hurt. Here are conflict competent ways for you manage the hurt, and improve the quality of your relationships.
Show notes:
Episode 118: When you feel self defensive, use these conflict competencies https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muXjimrv2mU&t=37s
Episode 125: Heroes and villains don't fight about their worldviews (but you really should) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0k1J...
Two small shifts that make big conflict improvements 141
There are two parts to your conflict competence practice; 1. your actions and 2. your attitude. If you change one of them, you will affect the other.
Start small, think of one action or belief to change, do that and see how a small change in your belief changes your conflict.
Send us a text. We love hearing from you.
Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.
Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics y...
The hidden superpower of conflict competence 140
You're building conflict competencies to use in conflicts. But, these conflict skills actually apply every place you go, with everyone you meet, in every context and to every situation. While you practice conflict competencies for conflicts, you incidentally improve even your calm relationships. The hidden bonus is that you can use conflict competencies anywhere, which incidentally improves the quality of your life. What are those skills we call conflict competencies? Here's a partial conflict competence checklist, and there are more you can find in prior episodes.
show notes:
Partial list (in no particular order) of conflict...
How to make allies out of people who disagree with you #139
Are you finding it hard to be with people whose personalities and perspectives are different than yours? Maybe your inner conflict holds you back, and maybe difficult people create your conflict. We give you tips for thinking of difficult people as allies rather than as adversaries, because they're helping you improve your conflict skills.
Send us a text. We love hearing from you.
Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.
Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask...
Why you shouldn't have that hard conversation 138
Disagreements on divisive topics are everywhere now. Perhaps you've been told that you should have conversations that feel hard, uncomfortable, or awkward. But does every hard conversation need your input? What if you have valid reasons to not have that hard conversation? This conflict competence is knowing the value of engaging in hard conversations, and balancing that value with the wisdom of not engaging.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.
Please subscribe to our podcast...
Break the cycle of miscommunication 137
Have you ever had an experience where words are spoken but they aren't responded to? Words aren't always communication. Sometimes, exchanging words can even miscommunicate, like when everyone just repeats their position or talking points. Then, everyone feels disappointed they aren't understood.
When you feel like words are a waste of time, stop. Observe what's happening, and share your observation. Interpret the words out loud as if you are translating a foreign language. Acting as communication navigator is a conflict competency, and everyone benefits from your conflict competence.
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When they don't listen to your facts, do this instead 136
Even people you like can make you feel their opinions are attacking you. Sometimes, you have facts to back you up but they won't listen. You may not agree with what they say but you can't convince them that your facts are correct. Here are four alternative approaches so you can defend your position without getting defensive. When you understand them even if you don't agree with them, you're being conflict competent.
You can be skilled at conflict, unafraid of conflict, and competent to handle conflict, even if the other person in the conflict doesn't realize you a...
What to do when emotions keep you in a conflict 135
Is your opponent in a conflict lying, or do you reject their facts because you don't trust them to tell the truth? You may think that first you believe a fact, and then decide how you feel about the fact. More likely, first you have a feeling, and then, based on that feeling, you decide to believe the fact or not. For example, are you inclined to disbelief facts stated by a politician you don't like, and believe the facts of politicians you like?
There are better questions to ask than whether you or your opponent believes th...
How to get along with difficult people 134
Getting along with people improves your happiness. But, maybe you can't find a way to get along with difficult people. They trigger you to react, and that ends up in a conflict. The situation is not hopeless. You already have answers to three helpful questions:
what's your reason for getting along with the difficult person;
how can you be curious about the difficult person's perspective; and
where is the interaction with the difficult person happening?
With your goal, their perspective, and the context, you have the skills to not get into a conflict.
Sho...
How to find, fix, and fill gaps in your conflict skills 133
Is there a gap between the conflict you have and the skills you own to deal with that conflict? If you want to improve the quality of your relationships, you'll want to find your skill gaps to fill them. We discuss how to find, fix, and fill your skills gap.
A conflict at home is different from conflict at work or with friends. It's good to have the skills to manage every conflict you might face. Is there a gap in your conflict skills?
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<...How to turn your fear into an ally in conflict 132
Actors use their fears and high emotions to inspire their performances. You can too.
Your fears are an energy source and your thoughts are information about the situation. Your fears tell you what you anticipate might happen, and your thoughts direct your action.
If you want use your thoughts and fears competently in conflicts, I show you the steps for turning your fears into allies rather than adversaries. You improve the quality of your relationships when you acknowledge your fears, act the way you want to show up, and take ownership of your mindset.
Show no...
What if your beliefs about conflict keep you stuck? 131
131 Use these four self-assessments to dig into how your beliefs about conflict keep you stuck. These self-assessments help you level up your conflict competencies.
You need these self-assessments if your conflicts hang on because you have conflict patterns that need a refresh. When did you last review your beliefs about conflict? Or considered your conflict style? Or reflected on your approach to conflict? Has it been a while? Start here, start now, and improve the quality of your relationships.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a...
Does your conflict recipe miss key ingredients? 130
You weren't born knowing how to cook a meal or handle conflict. You learned basic cooking and, to improve your kitchen skills, you practiced and got better at making meals. It's the same with conflict. You learn the basics, practice and get better at doing relationships. What ingredients make up your conflict skills? Here are suggestions for making it easier to improve your conflict competencies.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.
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129 Can you be conflict competent and win the argument?
Have you tried to be more conflict competent but what you tried wasn't successful? Yeah, it's frustrating to try without improving the relationship or ending the conflict.
But, was your goal to succeed in being conflict competent, or to win?
When you try to be conflict competent, you're practicing your skills. You improve, you owned your conflict; that's success. Conflict competency is a continual process of practicing better skills to not have arguments and to amicably resolve any that you do have.
You change your pattern to conflict competency and that is the success. If you fe...
128 How do you thaw a frosty relationship (if they won't reciprocate*)?
Have you've tried everything to end a conflict but the person who's got a problem with you just won't reciprocate*? Is there anything you can do to get that problem unstuck? Yes, yes there are a few more conflict competencies to try. Here's how to level up what you believe about conflict, and thaw that frosty relationship.
*Reciprocate means to accept a gesture or compliment or favour or gift etc. and respond with an equivalent. The actions are mutual.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a...
127 What fight are you trying to win? When your facts won't change their mind
How do you react when someone tells you that you're wrong? If the 'facts' support your argument, shouldn't that be enough to prove you're right? But, does that proof change anyone's mind? We discuss conflicts that get stuck because you feel compelled to defend your position, and so does your opponent. When that happens, facts are less important than your curiosity. Don't get trapped into defending the 'convictions of your courage'.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.<...
126 Better than counting to 10: Five valuable ways to handle emotion in conflict
Perhaps you've heard the advice to count to 10 when you're upset, before you respond. Good advice if you're the upset person. Not as useful if someone is upset with you. At the end of counting to 10, you've counted to 10. Then what?
Yes, you do want to pause before you respond. But there's a better use of that pause than counting to 10.
Here are five conflict competent strategies to make that pause really helpful with how you respond.
show notes:
Episode 20: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0T4cD_KuP8M&t=74s
125 Heroes and villains don't fight about their worldviews (but you really should)
You think that your beliefs are correct, right? They must be. After all, who wants to think their view of how the world works and their beliefs are wrong?
But the person you're disagreeing with also thinks their view of how the world works and their beliefs are correct, don't they? Worldviews and beliefs are not universal truths accepted by everyone.
When worldviews collide, it creates conflicts, and too often people try to resolve the conflict without understanding the worldview that creates it. We discuss how to go there.
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124 Three conflict competent ways to get the other person to listen to you
Conversations flow when people take turns speaking. Turn taking in relaxed settings feels fair and companionable. In conflict, turn taking is used to show why you're right and the other person is wrong. No wonder the other person doesn't give you a turn. Here are 3 changes in your approach so the other person will want to hear from you. Use these conflict competencies to improve the conversation, and the quality of the relationship.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training...
123 What depletes your conflict competence?
Have you had some situations, some conflicts, or some people who test the conflict competency skills you've been working to improve? If you recognize when your conflict skills are being drained then you have another conflict competency. You know that you're losing patience, and you can take steps to manage yourself. We give you tips for enhancing your skills if they're being depleted.
Send us a text. We love hearing from you.
Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.
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122 Five ways to stay non defensive when you're feeling attacked
Tense situations come with high emotions and drama. It's hard to to be non defensive, even when you want to. A listener asked for a step-by-step guide to being non defensive. While there's not a one-size-fits-all-guide for any conflict, here are five conflict competencies that help non-defensiveness. Combine, rearrange, and use these five in ways that work for you. They are not all the skills you need, but practice them, and you're on your way to improving your conflict competence, and the quality of your relationships.
Show notes of the five conflict competencies:
1. ...
121 When a conflict ends but it's on replay in your mind
Perhaps a bad relationship, (or even a good relationship) ends, but it leaves questions and emotions stuck in your mind. Or the fight is over, the other person is gone, and you still have the fight going on. Only now you supply the dialogue for both parts. We discuss the conflict competencies for dealing with conflict in which you are the sole active participant.
Show notes:
Episode 15; Has conflict really ended your relationship?https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDUc2mM1vtw
Dr. Daniel Kahneman, peak end bias https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/economic-sciences/2002/kahneman/f...
120 How to make your conflict a positive experience
Conflict can be a positive experience. It takes practice, is worth the effort, and here's a tip for how to do it.
With practice, your conflicts will feel not to hard or soft, too hot or cold. You can keep conflict in the "just right" Goldilocks zone. Conflict is positive when you use conflict competencies to Improve the quality of your relationships, learn new skills, and break unhelpful conflict patterns.
If you enjoy using fiction to practice conflict skills, check out my Substack posts because that's the motherload: https://substack.com/home/post/p-167675464
119 Before conflict escalates, consider these options
Was there a friend who hurt your feelings, but denied doing it? Who is correct, you who felt harmed or your friend who won't admit doing harm? We discuss how you can improve your conflict competencies to solve this puzzle. You'll get options to consider, and ways to approach the person before the conflict heats up.
Send us a text. We love hearing from you.
Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.
Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love...
118 When you feel self defensive, use these conflict competencies
Have you ever felt judged or criticized? Did you react defensively, and then they get defensive, and soon the mutual defensiveness escalates (known as tit-for-tat) into a conflict?
You defend with "Yes, but..." to explain yourself, and they claim "you're wrong but..." Maybe voices and tempers rise. We share the conflict competencies that can change that script so the escalation doesn't happen.
Send us a text. We love hearing from you.
Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.
Please subscribe to our podcast, l...
117 Is your conflict on repeat? You can change that conflict pattern with a (surprise) script
Conflicts in relationships tend to follow patterns, and conflict patterns get stuck in scripts that are hard to change. The good news, one person (you for example) can take the initiative to change a conflict pattern. It takes time for the old pattern to unstick, and the new script might need fine-tuning. With consistency, you can change an undesirable conflict pattern, even if the other person isn't aware of your effort until you decide to tell them.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades...
