Conflict Owner's Manual
Yes, we are your conflict tech support. We help you improve conflict competencies you already have. Our logo is a dandelion because conflict is like a weed invading your garden. You want to know how to manage it, and keep it from spreading. In each episode, we give you one real life conflict competency you can use right away to improve your skills, which will also improve the quality of your relationships. Dr. Deborah Sword is a specialist in conflict analysis and management. Tyson Bankert is a community facilitator and artist. We have decades of experience helping people improve their c...
129 Can you be both conflict competent and win the argument?
Have you tried to be more conflict competent but what you tried wasn't successful? Yeah, it's frustrating to try without improving the relationship or ending the conflict.
But, was your goal to succeed in being conflict competent, or to win?
When you try to be conflict competent, you're practicing your skills. You improve, you owned your conflict; that's success. Conflict competency is a continual process of practicing better skills to not have arguments and to amicably resolve any that you do have.
You change your pattern to conflict competency and that is the success. If you fe...
128 How do you thaw a frosty relationship (if they won't reciprocate*)?
Have you've tried everything to end a conflict but the person who's got a problem with you just won't reciprocate*? Is there anything you can do to get that problem unstuck? Yes, yes there are a few more conflict competencies to try. Here's how to level up what you believe about conflict, and thaw that frosty relationship.
*Reciprocate means to accept a gesture or compliment or favour or gift etc. and respond with an equivalent. The actions are mutual.
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127 What fight are you trying to win? When your facts won't change their mind
How do you react when someone tells you that you're wrong? If the 'facts' support your argument, shouldn't that be enough to prove you're right? But, does that proof change anyone's mind? We discuss conflicts that get stuck because you feel compelled to defend your position, and so does your opponent. When that happens, facts are less important than your curiosity. Don't get trapped into defending the 'convictions of your courage'.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.<...
126 Better than counting to 10: Five valuable ways to handle emotion in conflict
Perhaps you've heard the advice to count to 10 when you're upset, before you respond. Good advice if you're the upset person. Not as useful if someone is upset with you. At the end of counting to 10, you've counted to 10. Then what?
Yes, you do want to pause before you respond. But there's a better use of that pause than counting to 10.
Here are five conflict competent strategies to make that pause really helpful with how you respond.
show notes:
Episode 20: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0T4cD_KuP8M&t=74s
125 Heroes and villains don't fight about their worldviews (but you really should)
You think that your beliefs are correct, right? They must be. After all, who wants to think their view of how the world works and their beliefs are wrong?
But the person you're disagreeing with also thinks their view of how the world works and their beliefs are correct, don't they? Worldviews and beliefs are not universal truths accepted by everyone.
When worldviews collide, it creates conflicts, and too often people try to resolve the conflict without understanding the worldview that creates it. We discuss how to go there.
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124 Three conflict competent ways to get the other person to listen to you
Conversations flow when people take turns speaking. Turn taking in relaxed settings feels fair and companionable. In conflict, turn taking is used to show why you're right and the other person is wrong. No wonder the other person doesn't give you a turn. Here are 3 changes in your approach so the other person will want to hear from you. Use these conflict competencies to improve the conversation, and the quality of the relationship.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training...
123 What depletes your conflict competence?
Have you had some situations, some conflicts, or some people who test the conflict competency skills you've been working to improve? If you recognize when your conflict skills are being drained then you have another conflict competency. You know that you're losing patience, and you can take steps to manage yourself. We give you tips for enhancing your skills if they're being depleted.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.
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122 Five ways to stay non defensive when you're feeling attacked
Tense situations come with high emotions and drama. It's hard to to be non defensive, even when you want to. A listener asked for a step-by-step guide to being non defensive. While there's not a one-size-fits-all-guide for any conflict, here are five conflict competencies that help non-defensiveness. Combine, rearrange, and use these five in ways that work for you. They are not all the skills you need, but practice them, and you're on your way to improving your conflict competence, and the quality of your relationships.
Show notes of the five conflict competencies:
1. ...
121 When a conflict ends but it's on replay in your mind
Perhaps a bad relationship, (or even a good relationship) ends, but it leaves questions and emotions stuck in your mind. Or the fight is over, the other person is gone, and you still have the fight going on. Only now you supply the dialogue for both parts. We discuss the conflict competencies for dealing with conflict in which you are the sole active participant.
Show notes:
Episode 15; Has conflict really ended your relationship?https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDUc2mM1vtw
Dr. Daniel Kahneman, peak end bias https://www.nobelprize.org/prizes/economic-sciences/2002/kahneman/f...
120 How to make your conflict a positive experience
Conflict can be a positive experience. It takes practice, is worth the effort, and here's a tip for how to do it.
With practice, your conflicts will feel not to hard or soft, too hot or cold. You can keep conflict in the "just right" Goldilocks zone. Conflict is positive when you use conflict competencies to Improve the quality of your relationships, learn new skills, and break unhelpful conflict patterns.
If you enjoy using fiction to practice conflict skills, check out my Substack posts because that's the motherload: https://substack.com/home/post/p-167675464
119 Before conflict escalates, consider these options
Was there a friend who hurt your feelings, but denied doing it? Who is correct, you who felt harmed or your friend who won't admit doing harm? We discuss how you can improve your conflict competencies to solve this puzzle. You'll get options to consider, and ways to approach the person before the conflict heats up.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.
Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love...
118 When you feel self defensive, use these conflict competencies
Have you ever felt judged or criticized? Did you react defensively, and then they get defensive, and soon the mutual defensiveness escalates (known as tit-for-tat) into a conflict?
You defend with "Yes, but..." to explain yourself, and they claim "you're wrong but..." Maybe voices and tempers rise. We share the conflict competencies that can change that script so the escalation doesn't happen.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.
Please subscribe to our podcast, l...
117 Is your conflict on repeat? You can change that conflict pattern with a (surprise) script
Conflicts in relationships tend to follow patterns, and conflict patterns get stuck in scripts that are hard to change. The good news, one person (you for example) can take the initiative to change a conflict pattern. It takes time for the old pattern to unstick, and the new script might need fine-tuning. With consistency, you can change an undesirable conflict pattern, even if the other person isn't aware of your effort until you decide to tell them.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades...
116 Three kinds of thoughts that block your conflict competence
When you meet someone, you leave impressions on each other. You can't know for sure what impression you leave, but you can guess. And, then you'll behave as if your guess is correct. Feeling misunderstood and judged? You'll act as if you are misunderstood and judged. Maybe you're right; or maybe you're misunderstanding and judging. Your thoughts and beliefs direct your actions, so it's a conflict competence to pay attention to them. Here are three automatic thought biases to be aware of, with suggestions to help you own them.
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115 How do you manage in polarized debates?
Have you been uncomfortable when someone you disagree with insists on telling you why you're wrong? We discuss some conflict competent responses to bridge the gap between you and the person who is scolding you. We use examples of polarizing topics, and suggest sample questions that turn the division into conversation.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.
Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest...
114 Is perspective taking a skill that diffuses conflict?
What happens when your discomfort with taking risks clashes with someone's need to be on time? Or, you think your comment is realistic but someone calls you a negative thinker for saying it?
We show how to use Perspective Taking to turn differences in opinions and values into conversations before they become conflicts.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.
Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask q...
113 What stops you listening and how to fix it
Are you more polite to strangers than to friends? Do friends trigger you in ways that co-workers don't? Why do you listen and react differently to your loved one than with a friend?
Listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give for free. Despite costing nothing and improving much, listening can be rare in relationships. We discuss some conflict competencies for listening better, because listening improves the quality of relationships.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and t...
112 What's a good breakup?
Have you ever dumped a friend? Did you do it well? Would the dumped friend agree you did it well? Or, have you stayed friends with someone for a reason other than enjoying their company? We discuss some conflict competencies for breaking up with a friend, to give choices, set boundaries, speak up sooner, respectful decision making, accommodating discomfort, and answering (or not) their question, "why?"
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.
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111 The benefits you get from trying to be conflict competent
Sure, there are lots of benefits to handling your conflicts competently. And there's also effort involved. How do you stay motivated enough to make that effort? Tyson and Deborah chat about the conflict competencies acquired from the effort of being conflict competent, because even the fact of trying reaps benefits. We are motivated from desires to be kind, relate well to others, gain clarity about what is really going on, and have quality relationships. And, we avoid the regret of losing relationships we value.
show notes:
Corb Lund''s music https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCsv9x5q...
110 How is your relatability a conflict competence?
Do you want to be so likeable that you never have conflict? Is your goal to be so nice that any conflict is either avoided or is resolved as fast as possible? We suggest that being relatable might be the conflict competency you're looking for.
show note:
Watch episodes 106 and 107 for more information on communication audits.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.
Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave...
108 What benefits do you get from conflict competence?
How do you feel during and after you have a conflict? Our goal is for you to manage your conflicts well enough that you don't feel bad, awful, or regret. You'll do conflict better when you know the real issue that's the problem, and then choose the right conflict competency to manage that issue. That's how you own your conflict. Let's see how you can own your conflict.
show note:
examples of conflict analysis are in my substack newsletter: https://substack.com/@deborahsword
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...
109 What conflict competencies help when you're overwhelmed
These are overwhelming and complex times, with demands on our time and resources from many directions. Sometimes, you need help sorting out how to address your internal conflicts. We demonstrate a process, name some conflict competencies to use, and suggest you approach your internal conflict kindly, with humility and hope.
show note:
Dr. Norman Yan, quoting the late Canadian poet Richard Outram, believes the cardinal human values are humility and hope.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and...
106 How do you conduct a conflict communication audit
A conflict communication audit takes a lot of context and factors into account. But all of those factors are within your control. In this second episode about conflict communication audits, (listen to episode 107 for the first part) are five components of a conflict communication audit that will improve both your conflict competency, and the quality of your relationships.
show notes:
Episode 107: Have you done your conflict communication audit? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6vFheobu3k
Episode 90: What is a conflict management mindset? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_JnF6SQR2...
107 Have you done your conflict communication audit?
Perhaps you ask: "What's a conflict communication audit and why do one?" It isn't like a corporate communication audit of executive memos and such. Do you understand how you show up in a conflict? Your conflict communication audit includes your words, actions, and impressions you give during conflicts. Your conflict communication audit takes all your conduct and context into account, from the perspective of the person you're in conflict with.
What you say and do might not be what they hear and observe. Check in with them even during emotional moments, elicit their feedback, and listen to their o...
105 Resolution emerges from owning your conflict
Here's what's unique about this podcast:
Our belief is that you already have skills to manage conflict. We help you practice your skills, so you improve your conflict competencies. Rather than focusing on resolving any particular conflict, in each episode we point out one or two of your skills that are useful with most people in many contexts. We show how resolution can emerge as a result of you owning your conflict.
In this episode, Tyson and Deborah record in the same room for the first time, and Deborah shares the secret of her wearing the dandelion lo...
104 Superman's intentions are a conflict competence
The movie, Superman, is a fun practice tool for analyzing how intentions matter in conflicts. As you intend, your actions follow. As Superman fights Lex Luthor's metahumans on the battlefield, they also wage a media war of words to win public belief over who is to be believed. Which one of them has true intention for good and which one has secret intention for evil? Luthor undermines trust in Superman's intentions, but Superman has allies uncovering the secrets of Luthor's intentions. In the end, the fight over intentions holds as much power among us humans as the beatings does...
103 What are conflict competent responses to being offended?
It's achieved international newsworthiness that people are offending and being offended, cancelling and being cancelled, silent and being silenced. The headlines exist because someone insists that they have the only correct opinion. And, it might be the correct opinion, but is it the only allowable opinion? We discuss some conflict competent approaches when you're feeling offended or have been accused of being offensive.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.
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102 How is 'owning' your conflict a different skillset than resolving conflict?
Would you like to have the secret to resolving your conflict? The secret is: improve your conflict competency so you have skills to handle almost any conflict. No model or script is needed for the skills we encourage you to practice and use. They are: (1) conflict analysis, (2) self-awareness, and (3) appropriate conflict styles. The details are in the episode, just as two small cute dogs come to check what's happening in the office. To see the dogs, go to YouTube.com@conflict-owners-manual.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a...
100 What elite athletes can teach about conflict competence
Elite athletes heal faster and manage pain better than most people. We can apply their techniques to improve our conflict competence and manage conflicts better than most people. So, what are those techniques, and how can we apply them to conflicts?
Show notes:
Research paper:
Carole A. Paley, and Mark I. Johnson. 25 June 2025. Human Resilience and Pain Coping Strategies: A Review of the Literature Giving Insights from Elite Ultra‐Endurance Athletes for Sports Science, Medicine and Society. Springer Nature. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40279-025-02277-4
Conflict Owner's Manual episodes about these co...
101 Are you missing opportunities to talk before you judge (and are judged)?
When someone posts about a conflict on social media, they can expect comments and judgment to pile on. Did the person who posted talk to the other parties in the conflict before asking everyone in cyberspace to judge? In this conflict analysis of a social media post, we discuss assumptions, boundaries, expectations, public grievances, and who might be taking advantage of whom. This episode is part of our series of conflict analysis using popular culture for practice.
show notes:
These episodes of Conflict Owner's Manual discuss topics covered in this episode:
Binary choices
...
98 What does it mean to own your conflict, and how do you own it?
Why would you want to own your conflict? When you don’t manage yourself in conflict, do you make the situation worse? Here are three steps to take towards owning your conflict, so that you can be the conflict competent person you want to be.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.
Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest topics you'd like to hear. Thank yo...
99 Not every conflict has to become a fight
We recorded this episode before this week's political assassination, but as I listen to the recording before posting it, that's what I think about. If we reduce a human being to just their politics, or to a single trait, or to one note of their personality, we lose more than we can possibly 'win' (whatever winning might even mean). So, can you disagree, or have a conflict with someone and not have it degenerate into a fight? We discuss how.
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict...
97 How to use cartoons to practice conflict competence
You can practice conflict competence almost anywhere, using every interaction, even characters' dialogue in cartoons. Using two cartoons as examples, we analyze the scripts for the opportunities to understand each other that the characters missed. (Please accept that we changed the character names).
show notes:
Cartoon #1, Between Friends, by Sandra Bell-Lundy
Parent: Wear your boots. It’s snowing.
Child: I’m not wearing boots. It’s spring.
Parent: But it’s snowing.
Child: But it’s spring.
Parent: But it’s snowing.
Child: But it’s spring.
Parent: What do I have to do...
96 Did your simple conflict get complicated fast?
Some conflicts expand beyond their origin story, so you lose track of who started the conflict, and what your original conflict conflict goals were. That's conflict creep, where conflict exceeds the simpler scope and more limited objectives you had when the conflict started. After a conflict creeps, parties forget about solving the problem, and just want to win. So, how do you stop conflict creep? Using John Paul Lederach's six stages of conflict escalation, we look at how you can recognize the stages, and stop conflict creep.
show notes:
Lederach, J. P. (1999). The Journey Toward Reconciliation...
95 The good, bad, and ugly of being avoided
What skills help in a conflict where you're willing to talk but the other person is avoiding you? We discuss conflict styles, so that you can choose what's most conflict competent to use in the context, situation, and relationship.
show notes:
episode 46: How to decide whether to engage in, ignore or avoid conflict
episode 50: What you miss when you respond the same to every conflict
Send us a text. We love hearing from you.
Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.
P...
94 What's the harm of a polarized conflict?
Even regular folks like us are affected by this era of polarized conflict. It isn't just politics and social media that has become polarized in how conflicts play out. What does it mean for our personal relationships and ourselves personally when we fall prey to polarizing conflict in our personal relationships?
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.
Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions and suggest...
93 The good, bad, and ugly of competing as a conflict competency
You have at least five conflict management styles available to use, depending on the context and the relationship. Your conflict competency is using the most appropriate conflict management style for the situation, and the outcome you hope to achieve. But you likely use one or two conflict styles you're most comfortable with. We discuss the conflict style known as competing. When is competing an appropriate style to use, and when does competing not serve you and your relationships well?
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Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist...
92 How to talk about workplace conflict at a job interview
What does a good wellness program at work offer? The 2024, Wellhub State of Work-life Wellness Report lists some of the benefits of a good wellness program. Mostly missing is the benefit of a good conflict management system. Here are tips for discussing a conflict management system design at work, even before you get the job, because the stress of conflict is incompatible with wellness, unless it's well managed.
show notes:
https://wellhub.com/en-us/resources/work-life-wellness-report-2024/
Episode 31: Is conflict competence a "soft" skill?
Conflict management systems, examples, https://professional.dce.harvard.edu/bl...
91 The good, bad, and ugly of compromising as a conflict competency
We continue exploring the conflict management styles you have available to use, depending on the context and the relationship. Your conflict competency is using the most appropriate conflict management style for the situation, and the outcome you hope to achieve.
You have a choice of five broad categories of conflict management styles, but you likely use one or two conflict styles you're most comfortable with. We discuss the conflict style known as compromising. When is compromising an appropriate style to use, and when does compromising not serve you well?
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90 What is a conflict management mindset?
You use your conflict competencies in every conflict. You can choose how your conflict competency and managing conflict work together. The key is your awareness of your conflict management mindset. Here are a few tips for powering the mindset that will help you do conflict better and improve the quality of your relationships.
Send us a text. We love hearing from you.
Dr. Deborah Sword is a conflict specialist with decades of experience and training to share.
Please subscribe to our podcast, like it, share it, leave comments (we love comments), ask questions...
