Sorry, I Missed This: The Everything Guide to ADHD and Relationships with Cate Osborn

Your partner has rehearsed this conversation 10 times. You’re walking in at one. No wonder it goes sideways.

Dani Burford doesn’t have ADHD, but her husband, Sean, does, along with OCD tendencies. Dani, who works in marketing at Understood.org, joins Cate for a casual, practical conversation about the systems that help them stay on the same team.

She explains how they use things like the “care meter,” a 1-to-10 rating that ends three-hour debates about paint colors, the mess monster, and who takes the blame for last night’s dishes. And why asking “What script...

Research shows that girls with ADHD are significantly more likely to experience intimate partner violence.

Dr. Emily Rothman, who recently published a study on dating violence in neurodivergent youth, joins Cate to talk about what the research actually shows.

They discuss why ADHD symptoms might make it harder to recognize abuse. They also cover how to tell ordinary relationship conflict from patterns of coercive control.

Cate and Emily talk openly about why leaving is rarely a single decision, and how to support a friend or family member who’s trying to get out. Th...

Kink isn’t required to get something real out of a power dynamic. And for ADHD brains, it might be more than you’d expect

Sex and relationship coach Amanda Dames — The Kink Consultant — joins the show to talk about power dynamics and what dominance and submission can actually offer neurodivergent relationships once the stigma gets stripped away. Amanda and Cate start with the basics: what a power dynamic is, why it’s a negotiated role-play and not a real transfer of power, and how submission can function as agency rather than its opposite. 

From there, the...

In this episode, a complex conversation about ADHD, femininity, gender, and why talking about the hard stuff is important.

Cate sits down with Rae Jacobson, host of Understood.org’s Hyperfocus podcast, journalist, and a producer on this show. They talk about something they’ve both struggled to name: the collision between ADHD, femininity, and gender expression. They dig into what it felt like to watch other girls “get it.” The tidiness. The calm. The effortlessness. All things that executive dysfunction made feel out of reach. 

They talk about the pressure to be nurturing, organized, and endle...

We recorded our first-ever live show in front of a studio audience! Emmy Award–winning writer, director, and producer Adam Reid, co-creator of “Tiny Chef,” joined Cate to talk about ADHD creativity: what works, what doesn’t, when to dig in, when to let things go, and why finishing things isn't always the point.

Adam talked candidly about being diagnosed with ADHD at 45, after years of building an Emmy-winning creative career without knowing why his brain worked the way it did. And he and Cate shared how they make it work (or not) as neurodivergent creators. Check it out!<...

Ever notice your ADHD brain gets a little too excited during an argument? Like you’re not even mad anymore, you’re just... having a really good time being right? Yeah. There’s a reason for that, and it’s not a great one.

In this mailbag episode of Sorry, I Missed This, host Cate Osborn is digging into questions from our Understood Facebook group

Our amazing listeners wrote in (and had the chance to win a copy of Cate’s new book, The ADHD Field Guide for Adults). In this episode Cate tackles questions like how t...

Money is one of the biggest sources of conflict in relationships — and for people with ADHD, it comes with an extra layer of shame most people don’t talk about.

Cate sits down with Dr. Christine Hargrove, a financial therapist who specializes in ADHD, to unpack why money fights escalate so fast, why who’s the “mental load carrier” matters more than who earns more, and why people with ADHD often give better financial advice to their friends than they follow themselves.

Christine breaks down the concept of “money meaning” — the idea that when couples fight about spen...

Ever feel like you’re the “parent” in your relationship — managing everything while your partner just... coasts? You’re not alone. And it’s not just you being controlling. 

Host Cate Osborn talks with ADHD coach Kristen Carder (host of I Have ADHD, author of the upcoming You’re Not in Trouble) about why ADHD relationships so easily slide into parent-child dynamics, and how to climb back out.

They get into why resentment is the red flag to watch for, and Kristen’s favorite mantra for “de-centering” an overfunctioning partner (“there is no sun — we’re equals here”). Plus eldes...

Does ADHD really mean poor self-control? Or is that the myth that’s been making everything harder? 

Dr. Polaris Koi is a philosopher who studies ADHD and self-regulation (and is an ADHDer themselves). In this episode, Cate and Polaris get into why “just try harder” is not only unhelpful advice — it’s based on science that most researchers don’t even believe anymore. 

They talk about why impulsivity in ADHD adults rarely looks like the textbook version (hi, compulsive shopping and 3 a.m. tattoo urges). How shame and anxiety make executive function worse. And why learning to work...

Do you feel almost manic after really good sex — craving more, making impulsive decisions, fixating on the next time? In this episode of Reddit reactions, Cate and Jessamine tackle five real Reddit posts from ADHD women. 

Digging into some seriously NSFW posts, they look at why some people with ADHD never feel spontaneous sexual attraction — and why that might be about “out of sight, out of mind.” Also…

The orgasm pressure problem: When a partner’s need for reassurance after sex gets in the way of intimacy.

The sex countdown: The anxiety loop that starts the...

Did you know that women with ADHD consume explicit fiction at dramatically higher rates than neurotypical women — and there’s a neurological reason?

Dr. Erika Miley is a licensed mental health counselor, certified sex therapist, and author of the only dissertation published on ADHD and women’s sexuality. After surveying over 2,000 participants, one thing kept surfacing: smut. Romantasy, explicit romance, audio erotica — all of it.

In this episode, she explains why the ADHD brain is uniquely drawn to literary erotica, how smut raises the arousal threshold enough to sustain focus, and why neurodivergent women are using it f...

Is ADHD self-diagnosis valid? According to clinical psychologist Dr. Elizabeth Kilmer, that’s the wrong question entirely. When access to diagnosis is limited by cost, insurance, stigma, and identity — and when the people who self-diagnose show higher rates of negative self-image and internalized stigma — the real conversation isn’t about validity. It’s about how we make sure people have access to good information.

Cate and Dr. Kilmer dig into what really happens when people research their own neurodivergence. They discuss research analyzing 452,000 Reddit posts that found self-diagnosed individuals seek more social validation. But they benefit less from it.

If your home has ever felt like it’s working against you, this one’s for you. Certified professional organizer Alison Lush joins the show to unpack the ADHD relationship to stuff. Learn what chronic disorganization actually means, why the Marie Kondo method can backfire, and how to build systems that work with your brain. We also get into the emotional weight of clutter, organizing as a couples issue, and why community might be the most underrated tool of all.

For more on this topic

Laura Mears-Reynolds, founder of ADHDAF and an award-winning community organizer, joins Cate to talk about online communication, building connection, and staying in touch when you have ADHD. They dig into rejection sensitive dysphoria and miscommunication, object permanence with people, time blindness in relationships — and why online community can be genuinely life-saving. Plus: the great voice memo debate, and why your calendar reminder system for friends is not sociopathic.

For more on this topic

For a transcript and more resou...

Content warning: This episode discusses self-harm. 

What does it actually take to finish a book with ADHD? 

Cate sits down with Erik Gude, her co-author of The ADHD Field Guide for Adults, to unpack five years of starts, stops, and persistence. They get into taking advantage of accessibility options and overcoming the shame of looming, unfinished projects to get this one done. 

For more on this topic 

For a transcript and more resources, visit Sorry, I Missed This on Unders...

As we know, Reddit is full of messy love stories, and we have thoughts. 

From gaslighting and age gaps to the weird magic of “new relationship energy,” we read posts that make us laugh, cringe, and wonder — can memory be used as a weapon in a relationship?

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For a transcript and more resources, visit Sorry, I Missed This on Understood.org. You can also email us at [email protected].

Getting your child the supp...

Division of labor between partners isn’t easy for anyone. Add ADHD and suddenly dishes come with shame. Trash becomes a crisis. And rest starts to feel sketchy. 

Cate sits down with KC Davis to unpack the messy, deeply human reality of sharing work at home. They talk about resentment, perfectionism, time blindness, trust, and why keeping score almost never fixes anything.

For more on this topic

For a transcript and more resources, visit Sorry, I Missed This on Und...

Have you ever stayed up all night replaying a meeting in your head? Or obsessed over an email? Or questioned every instinct you have? If making decisions feels like a full-time job, this one’s for you!

We’re talking with Dr. Mark Schrime, a surgeon with a PhD in the science of decision-making. Hear about the exhausting cycle of analysis paralysis, second-guessing, and decision fatigue that’s a reality for many people with ADHD. 

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For a transcript and more resourc...

If your ADHD symptoms seem to have leveled up out of nowhere, you’re not losing it. Hormones play a much bigger role in ADHD than most of us understand, especially during perimenopause and menopause.

Today, we’re chatting with licensed counselor Mandi Dixon about why focus, memory, sleep, and emotional regulation can suddenly fall apart in your 40s. We also dig into why ADHD meds may stop working the way you’re used to — and what actually helps when carefully built systems stop cooperating.

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Ever catch yourself spiraling over a decision and feeling like your brain won’t stop replaying every possible “what if”? 

Dr. J is joining us to talk about rumination, overthinking, and getting caught in a mood spiral as a woman with ADHD. We’re breaking down why we get stuck and practical ways to interrupt those thought loops. 

For more on this topic: 

For a transcript and more resources, visit Sorry, I Mis...

When ADHD overwhelm hits, it’s usually not because of one big event. It’s the work project and your kid’s school play and the relationship thing and everyone is out of clean socks... and now you’re caught in a spiral.

Today, Cate and our fabulous producer, Jessamine, dig into Reddit stories about work screw-ups, panic lying, and how pattern recognition can quietly turn everyday moments into emotional flashpoints in relationships. 

What actually can stop that spiral? 

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In this listener Q&A, Cate tackles two wildly relatable ADHD questions: sudden sensory discomfort during intimacy, and the maddening cycle of not being able to start a task… then not being able to stop. 

From sensory overload and burnout to hyperfocus, momentum anxiety, and emotional regulation, Cate breaks down what’s going on and how to navigate it without losing it. 

Thanks to our listeners for these deeply ADHD-coded questions! Keep ’em coming.

For more on this topic: 

For a t...

We’re back with another spicy Reddit Reactions episode!

This week, we dive into two wildly relatable ADHD relationship posts: one about a partner claiming “you lost your sparkle” (eye roll), and another spiraling over chores, shame, and new-job burnout. We unpack toxic dynamics, people-pleasing, clutter blindness, and why you’re not weaponizing incompetence. 

For more on this topic: 

Timestamps:

(01:00) A sparkle-stealing husband

(04:10) Is it ADHD… or a toxic partner?

(08:20) ADHD shame spiral: “I can’t do anyth...

Ever said yes to sex a little too fast and regretted it later? Same. 

Today we’re joined by psychologist and Understood Expert Dr. Ari Tuckman for a candid talk about impulsivity, ADHD, and intimacy. We’ll dig into the messy mix of consent, shame, and emotional regulation. And we’ll talk about how to slow down, stay curious, and find self-compassion after a spicy decision. 

For more on this topic: 

Timestamps:

02:15 How ADHD-related impulsivity c...

The holidays are here — and so is all the food, family, and sensory overload that can come with them. Host Cate Osborn sits down with Aleta Storch, dietitian, nutritionist, ADHD expert, and founder of Wise Heart Nutrition, to talk about food and ADHD. They cover what disordered eating looks like (and how it’s different from a diagnosed eating disorder), why sensory sensitivities can make meals stressful, and what it’s like not to be believed when you say you don’t want to eat something. Plus, the dopamine rush of holiday treats — and how to navigate it all with more c...

In the final episode of our “Breaking the Burnout Cycle” three-part series, host Cate Osborn and Dr. Shauna Pollard explore what comes after burnout. They discuss how burnout can affect your relationships, the importance of communicating your needs clearly, and how to reflect on past experiences to avoid repeating patterns. 

Cate and Dr. Shauna also shares practical tips for tuning in to yourself, setting boundaries, and creating a plan for moving forward with greater awareness, balance, and resilience.

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Burnout isn’t a weakness. It’s a signal that your body needs real rest. 

Dr. Shauna Pollard is back for the second episode in our “Breaking the Burnout Cycle” series to answer the question: What is rest?  

Cate and Dr. Pollard talk about what true, restorative rest looks like (hint: it’s not just zoning out on your phone), and how to start taking small, doable steps toward rest when you’re already deep in burnout.

For more on this topic: 

Feeling drained, unmotivated, or stuck in survival mode? In part one of our “Breaking the Burnout Cycle” series, host Cate Osborn and psychologist Dr. Shauna Pollard unpack the question: What is burnout? They explore the signs to watch for, how to recognize when you’re in it, and how it’s different from depression.

If you’ve been wondering whether what you’re experiencing is burnout, this episode is a good place to start.

Related resources

Timestamps

(00:00) A word from Cate on burnout

It’s a solo mailbag episode! Host Cate Osborn grabs her trusty D20 to let fate decide which listener emails to answer. 

Cate answers some common ADHD questions from navigating ADHD as a woman, to what it means to have a diagnosis, to how symptoms can shift as we age.

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Timestamps

(00:00) Intro
(00:27) The rules
(01:14) Why do previously stimulating activities become routine?
(02:48) What does an ADHD diagnosis provide?
(05:30) Wha...

What if your money problems weren’t just about willpower, but about who you are?

In this episode of Sorry, I Missed This, Cate chats with Ellyce Fulmore, financial educator and author of Keeping Finance Personal, about how who you are affects how you deal with money. We cover how things like ADHD, race, gender, and queerness all shape your money habits. Ellyce explains how to understand your own “money story” and why some advice doesn’t work for everyone. We also talk about what happens when someone with ADHD gets into a relationship and has to mix mone...

Social skills can be challenging for people with ADHD. Whether it’s trouble with executive function, or anxiety from past situations, socializing can come with a lot of emotions. It can also be really confusing and bring up uncomfortable questions. Why does it seem so much easier for everyone else? Why can’t I hold on to friendships? What do I even like to do? 

In this episode Host Cate Osborn chats with Caroline Maguire, MEd. Caroline is an ADHD coach, and author of the book Why Will No One Play With Me? Join Cate and Caroline as th...

Ever wondered if your therapist gets you, or if therapy is even working? You’re not alone. This week, Dr. Elizabeth Kilmer is back to unpack the complicated, sometimes confusing, always human relationship between therapist and client (especially when ADHD is in the mix).

Host Cate Osborn and Elizabeth dig into how different types of therapy work, how to tell if therapy is actually helping, and what kinds of conversations are and aren’t fair game in the therapy room. Whether you’re starting therapy for the first time or reevaluating a long-term fit, this conversation will help yo...

Forget what you’ve seen in movies: BDSM isn’t one-size-fits-all. As Dr. Leann Borneman explains, it’s more of an à la carte menu where consent, communication, and personal boundaries come first. You can take what works for you and leave the rest.

Host Cate Osborn talks with clinical sexologist Dr. Borneman about the intersection of BDSM, neurodivergence, and executive function. They explore how some people with ADHD use parts of BDSM, like structure, sensory input, and clearly defined roles. These can help support attention, reduce overwhelm, and build emotional regulation.

Listen as Cate and Leann cha...

Grief can be overwhelming for anyone — but for people with ADHD, it can show up in surprising ways.

Therapist Rachel Hopkins joins host Cate Osborn to unpack the intersection of ADHD and grief. They discuss how time blindness, emotional intensity, and memory challenges can shape the grieving process — and how ADHDers might mourn in nonlinear, unconventional ways. Rachel also offers some insights for anyone struggling to grieve “the right way” while living with a neurodivergent brain.

Related resources

ADHD in women is often misunderstood, even by ourselves — and hormones are a big part of the story. 

This week, host Cate Osborn chats with psychiatrist and researcher Dr. Lotta Borg Skoglund about how hormone cycles affect ADHD in women. From PMS to perimenopause, we explore how shifting hormones can change how ADHD shows up — and how that impacts mood, focus, and relationships.

Dr. Borg Skoglund shares what the research says, what often gets overlooked in diagnosis and treatment, and how understanding the patterns in your cycle can make everyday life a little easier.

Rel...

If sex sometimes feels confusing, overstimulating, or just... a lot, you’re not alone. ADHD and sensory issues can show up during sex and in our physical relationships. 

This week, psychologist Dr. Lyne Piché joins us to discuss how ADHD and sensory challenges can shape our sex lives, and how to talk about it. From touch sensitivity to struggling to focus, we dive into why things might feel like “too much” one minute and “not enough” the next—and how to figure it all out.

Related resources

Being a caregiver to a friend or loved one is hard—add ADHD to the mix, and it’s a whole different challenge.

Self-care and ADHD Coach Stephanie Antoine joins us to talk about what it’s like caring for our loved ones while managing executive dysfunction, burnout, and more. She also offers a few mindfulness practices to help us recenter when the stress feels like too much. If you’ve ever struggled to care for someone else while trying to keep yourself afloat, this one’s for you.

Related resources

Join health and science journalist Danielle Elliot as she investigates the rise of women recently diagnosed with ADHD. Listen to Climbing the Walls now.

ADHD and kink might seem like an unexpected pairing, but for a lot of people, they go hand in hand. From rituals that help with focus to play that taps into the need for stimulation, BDSM can be more than just fun — it can be a real tool for regulation and connection.

In this episode, host Cate Osborn chats with author and forensic sexologist Stefani Goerlich about how BDSM can actually su...

In theory, online dating can feel like an easy, low-stakes solution to meeting people. But in practice, there are a few pitfalls that many fall into. With ADHD, dating apps can pose even more challenges and be an additional drag on your attention. 

Clinical Psychologist Dr. Shauna Pollard visits the show to talk about what she’s noticed while working with ADHDers on online dating. Join this conversation on the dopamine chase that can happen while using dating apps, and setting boundaries with yourself. 

Related resources

Are ADHD and cheating related? What about weaponized incompetence and ADHD? These are a few questions that surround the ADHD community.

Producer Margie visits the podcast for another round of ‘Reddit reactions’ with more posts from the ADHD women subreddit. Listen for host Cate Osborn’s reactions on a few different scenarios related to cheating and weaponized incompetence.

Related resources

Timestamps

(02:00) Post #1 “ADHD and cheating/Adrenaline and dopamine”

(09:24) Post #2 “Narcissist cheater and ADHD”

(1...