Why She Stayed

In this episode, I sit down with author and licensed therapist Chelsey Brooke Cole to discuss her experiences navigating abusive relationships, even while working as a therapist herself. We explore how her abuser used the appearance of openness and honesty, along with claims of sex addiction, to explain away his behavior. This made it even harder to recognize what was really happening: coercive control.

All of Chelsey's Links: https://bit.ly/m/chelseybrookecole?utm_source=ig&utm_medium=social&utm_content=link_in_bio&fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAcGRvZgJzcnRjBmFwcF9pZA85MzY2MTk3NDMzOTI0NTkAAad2MC6EELQUm6YLWRvkZR-rBIDDpVfJz1...

In this episode that originally aired on February 10th, Kelly shares her experience of being in a relationship where reality was constantly twisted. Her abuser was skilled at blame-shifting, making her feel like she was the problem for asking reasonable questions, having needs, or expecting basic respect.

What made it even more confusing was how differently he showed up to the rest of the world. Friends, family, and acquaintances saw someone charming, easygoing, and well-liked. That contrast left Kelly feeling isolated, disoriented, and unsure of her own perception.

This conversation is especially for...

How do we read between the lines when our abuser has gotten really good at coloring within the lines?

Deploying control often looks like mastering their craft and becoming “less messy.” As abusers become more skilled at controlling their partners, their methods may become harder to recognize, explain, and prove to others.

We also talk about how they use "non-expensive" methods of control because "expensive methods" of abuse can leave evidence, make it easier for others to believe you, or help you trust yourself.

This episode is about learning to look...

In this episode, Hannah shares her story of what happens when coercive control slowly changes who you are.

One of the things that ultimately helped Hannah leave was seeing the cycle of abuse unfold in such a short, compressed period of time. When the highs, lows, conflict, consequences, and reconciliation began happening so close together, she was able to see the pattern more clearly—and recognize that this wasn’t a series of isolated incidents.

She also shares how he would repeatedly tell her that she needed to get out and pack her thin...

In this episode, I’m sharing my honest thoughts on whether the word “narcissist” may actually be setting us back when it comes to understanding abuse and coercive control.

We talk about why focusing so heavily on whether an abusive person is a “narcissist” can sometimes distract from what matters most: the behavior, the patterns, the power dynamics, and the impact of the abuse.

I share my perspective on why I think it’s worth taking a step back from the narcissism conversation and looking more closely at coercive control and the dynamics of abuse.

In this episode, Helen shares her story of the subtle ways coercive control made her believe that she was the problem.

She shares how he repeatedly blamed her for leaving “right when he was about to get things right,” pressured her sexually by suggesting other women would pursue him if she wasn't "his covering, and even involved their children by asking, “Do you want Dad to have to get a girlfriend?”

Helen also describes how he compared her to other women and used criticism about her being “clumsy” to make her second-guess herself and constant...

How do you know when an abuser’s “change” is actually just another form of control?

In this episode, I break down the clear signs that an abusive person is not truly changing, including real text messaging examples and behaviors you may see after leaving.

I also talk about how you can respond in a way that gives you greater clarity and helps you recognize a stream of clues that the change is performative or temporary. We’ll talk about using boundary setting as a tool for yourself (not because you expect a coercive...

If you never read another book, listen to another podcast, or consume another piece of content about abuse, there is one thing I want you to understand:

If you continue looking at your relationship through an incident-based lens, you will always end up asking the wrong questions. You’ll focus on individual moments — What did he say? What did I say? What happened right before the argument? Could I have handled that differently? Did I contribute to this? each incident, it becomes incredibly easy to conclude that you could have done something differently.

That...

In this episode, I sit down with Wednesday to talk about how the nervous system can become attached to predictability—even when that predictability is harmful—and how an abuser can become both the poison and the antidote, the distress and the comfort.

Wednesday shares how her ex used martial arts, clumsiness, and “accidents” to explain away physical trespasses—creating just enough "truth" to make her question what was actually happening.

We also unpack:

Ali shares the brutal reality of trying to leave an abusive relationship and how, after leaving and returning over and over again, she began to lose trust in her own ability to stay gone.

In this episode, we talk about:

Everyone asks what happened the day Aubree’s husband shot her twice, murdered their nearly six-month-old son, Kymani, and then took his own life.

But the deeper question is: What happened long before that day?

While many people assume lethal domestic violence begins with physical abuse, Aubree’s story demonstrates something experts on coercive control have long understood: the pathway to extreme violence often begins with isolation, emotional abuse, and the gradual erosion of a person’s autonomy—not necessarily previous acts of physical assault.

Aubree describes how her husband increasingly isolated...

Everyone asks what happened the day Aubree’s husband shot her twice, murdered their nearly six-month-old son, Kymani, and then took his own life.

But the deeper question is: What happened long before that day?

In this episode of Why She Stayed, Aubree shares the story of the timespan leading up to the unimaginable tragedy that left her paralyzed and forever changed her life.

While many people assume lethal domestic violence begins with physical abuse, Aubree’s story demonstrates something experts on coercive control have long understood: the pathway to extreme viol...

I sit down with Lindsay Stoker creator of The Control Code to unpack the most misunderstood aspects of coercive control and psychological abuse.

One of the most powerful shifts in understanding abuse is learning to stop asking, “Was this incident abusive?” and instead asking, “What was this behavior designed to accomplish?” We discuss why the function of abusive behavior matters far more than the form it takes.

In this conversation, we cover:

If I could sit across from the woman I was back then, these are the 20 things I would tell her.

In this episode of Why She Stayed, I reflect on my own experience of coercive control and share the lessons I wish someone had taught me while I was still living inside the confusion.

In this episode, we unpack topics like:

What if you’re wrong about everything?

It’s one of the most haunting questions survivors of coercive control ask themselves after years of psychological manipulation.

In this episode of Why She Stayed, I sit down with Anne Wintemute, founder of AimeeSays, to unpack how blame-shifting rewires your thinking… and how abusers create the illusion of freedom, making you believe you can leave at any time while trapping you inside an invisible cage that’s nearly impossible to prove even to yourself.

Learn more about AimeeSays here: ⁠www.AimeeSays.com

Use c...

Brand new episode! This is a never-before-heard conversation.

I’m joined by author Cora Leyderman, author of Meet Me at the Well, as she shares the story of her previous marriage to a pathological liar.

While many people picture abuse as physical violence or obvious intimidation, Cora’s experience looked very different. Her husband’s primary tactics were relentless deception, psychological manipulation, and subtle patterns of control that left her questioning her own reality.

If you’ve ever wondered whether emotional and psychological abuse can exist without physical violence, or if you’v...

This episode originally aired on May 13, 2025.

Brand new episode will be released on Tuesday, March 24th.

Lundy Bancroft is the author of the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" as well as many other books and has worked extensively in batterer intervention programs. He has over 30 years of experience working with abusive men and their families and is a leading voice in the field of domestic abuse and advocacy.

For Lundy's books, recourses, and more visit his website at: https://lundybancroft.com/<...

Lindsey shares the story of how her relationship slowly turned into something she didn’t recognize as abuse.

What began as the gradual normalization of cheating became a pattern of psychological grooming. Over time, he reframed betrayal as “normal,” rewrote reality, and convinced her she was the one causing harm.

He even faked medical emergencies- claiming she was causing him physical suffering from "stress" to keep her catering to him and feeling responsible for his well-being. Every conflict somehow became her fault. Every consequence felt like she was “ruining his life.”

When the...

In this episode, Kelly shares her experience of being in a relationship where reality was constantly twisted. Her abuser was skilled at blame-shifting, making her feel like she was the problem for asking reasonable questions, having needs, or expecting basic respect.

What made it even more confusing was how differently he showed up to the rest of the world. Friends, family, and acquaintances saw someone charming, easygoing, and well-liked. That contrast left Kelly feeling isolated, disoriented, and unsure of her own perception.

This conversation is especially for anyone who is...

In this episode, Kelly shares her story of entering a relationship with a mild-mannered Arab Muslim doctor at a vulnerable point in her life, a time when she felt ungrounded and stuck in patterns of promiscuity. He positioned himself as a stabilizing force, framing the relationship as a way to “save” her from that path and introduce her to a more meaningful life.

As the relationship deepened, elements of Islamic practice and cultural expectations were gradually introduced (after she was emotionally invested). This created confusion: was the growing control, restriction, and mistreatment rooted in cultural/ religious norm...

In this episode, Daniella shares her experience of being in a relationship marked by extreme intensity followed by sudden discard and abandonment. She opens up about how emotional abuse eroded her sense of self, fueled comparison and insecurity, and left her feeling like a shell of who she once was.

Daniella also unpacks how her abuser used people outside the relationship to validate his false narrative- ultimately reversing victim and offender by obtaining a TRO to portray himself as the victim. This conversation sheds light on how manipulation, image-management, and psychological abuse operate beneath the surface.<...

In this powerful episode, I sit down with Kia Lee, author and survivor, as she shares her journey through domestic abuse and cancer—and what it means to keep creating hope while still living in the unknown.

Kia opens up about the loneliness of clarity: that isolating moment when you see the truth of your situation before anyone else does. We talk about how life doesn’t pause for your pain- how the world keeps moving even when your own world feels like it has come to a complete stop.

Together, we explore the...

In this episode, we talk about how control can show up through image-management and blame. We discuss how the abuser consistently positioned his wife as “the problem,” convincing others that she was the one who needed mental health help, while he would show himself as seeming reasonable, and concerned.

We explore how he accused her of being unfaithful despite a lack of truth behind those claims, and how this accusation became part of a larger pattern of control. He frequently used statements like “this isn’t what a wife does” whenever she spent money, went out with frien...

In this deeply honest episode, I sit down with abuse survivor and author Stephanie Strickland, whose new book Finding Peace Within shares her journey of survival, self-discovery, and healing.

Stephanie opens up about how her abuser convinced her that she was the cause of the abuse—leading her to believe that if she could just be more perfect, more careful, or do everything “right,” the conflict would stop. She describes the exhausting cycle of walking on eggshells, constantly trying to manage another person’s emotions in order to stay safe.

We talk about the pain...

In this survivor story, Tiffany opens up about the hidden layers of abuse she endured in her marriage- abuse she didn’t initially recognize. Growing up with a father who was a “standard yeller,” Tiffany assumed that abuse had to look loud and obvious. But her husband’s tactics were quieter, calculated, and far more confusing. Through gaslighting, and emotionally charged setups that left her yelling, he was able to make Tiffany feel unbalanced and “crazy,” all while maintaining a calm exterior.

Tiffany shares how focusing on her husband’s drinking became a smokescreen that kept her from seein...

In this solo episode, we dive into one of the most overlooked reasons people remain stuck in abusive cycles: the inability to name what they’re experiencing. I explore how the lack of clear language- not just individually, but across society- keeps people confused, doubting themselves, and trapped far longer than they should be.

We unpack the cultural habit of mislabeling harmful behavior, and how this reluctance to “call it what it is” creates conditions where abuse can thrive in plain sight. I break down why accurate terminology isn’t just semantics- but a lifeline.

To...

In this episode, I sit down with Hannah to explore abuse that is intentionally designed to be unrecognizable.

Hannah shares how her abuser strategically created gray areas and emotional ambiguity, making it almost impossible for her to pinpoint what was happening.

She also talks about the “threshold” she carried in her mind- her preconceived idea of what “real abuse” was supposed to look like- and how her abuser deliberately stayed just below that line. This left her constantly second-guessing herself, blaming herself, and feeling unable to trust her own perception.

Together, we unpac...

In this episode, I’m joined by Dr. Jaime Zuckerman, a nationally recognized clinical psychologist who specializes in narcissistic abuse and relationship trauma. Together, we dive deep into one of the most painful and confusing stages of recovery- learning to detach from the abuser’s narrative.

We explore questions so many survivors wrestle with: Will the abuser change for the next person? Why does it feel like they’re thriving while you’re left in pieces? And most importantly, how can you begin to reclaim your truth after so much manipulation and emotional chaos?

Dr. Ja...

In this powerful and deeply personal episode, Catherine opens up about the years she spent trapped in an abusive marriage marked by emotional abuse, infidelity, and alcohol use by her former spouse. What began as a hopeful relationship spiraled into something she never imagined when she discovered her husband’s shocking attempts to secretly poison her with abortion pills in an effort to end her pregnancy.

With courage and honesty, Catherine shares how she uncovered the truth, the steps she took to protect herself, and the journey toward rebuilding her life after trauma.

To...

In this episode, I’m joined by Wendy as she bravely shares her story of surviving abuse and how it manipulates your sense of duty, love, and identity.

Wendy opens up about how her abuser made her feel responsible for his well-being, and how that emotional weight kept her trapped in a cycle of guilt and silence. We explore why so many survivors feel sorry for the very people hurting them, and how that misplaced empathy is a product of manipulation by the perpetrator.

We also dive into the more subtle and often ov...

In this episode, I sit down with Alissa to talk through the painful reality of surviving not one, but two abusive relationships, and the patterns that emerged between them.

We dive into the emotional and financial toll of being made to feel responsible for the very people who were hurting us. Alissa shares how she was expected to take care of her abusers- emotionally, financially, and even physically, all while her own needs were ignored or weaponized against her.

We talk about:

"I didn't think it could happen to me."

In this deeply personal and courageous episode, Beverly Hallberg — founder and president of District Media Group — shares her powerful story of surviving abuse. What began with subtle glimpses of control eventually unraveled into something much deeper, finally exposed by the unimaginable loss of her baby.

As we acknowledge Domestic Violence Awareness Month this October, Beverly’s story is a vital reminder that abuse often wears a mask - and that mask can be both convincing and devastating. Through her long-form essay and now this conversation, she sh...

This is a solo full Q&A episode where I answer the following questions:

1.) How long did it take for you to no longer feel the need for him to see your worth?

2.) How to not care that you're painted as the villain by abuser?

3.) How do you get over the discard, and how happy they seem to be doing it to you?

4.) How to stop spiraling when they seem to be giving the next partner everything you wanted.

5.) How can one break out of cognitive dissonance when...

Alexis Ruhlen and I discuss life post- abuse as a part 2 episode. We cover topics such as: emotions that come with reporting our abusers to law enforcement, dealing with the opinions of others, survivor imposter syndrome, how long it took us to make progress, and breaking the bond for the final time.

Lex's original podcast episode of her FULL story is episode #18.

If you would like to follow Alexis or I, please see our socials below:

Lex's IG: @lexruhlen

Grace's IG: @gracestuart26

Hosted on Acast...

On this episode, Lynn and I speak about topics such as sadistic behaviors, sexual abuse/ boundary pushing, and how abusers coerce you by giving the illusion of choice. To work with Lynn or send her a message, please see the links below:

Lynn's Website: https://www.echoismrecovery.com/

Lynn's Instagram: theechochamber2024

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

On this episode, Monica Smith shares pieces of her abuse story and detailed examples of how an abuser grooms us to no longer trust our own inner dialogue and perceptions. We talk about how they slowly make themselves the only source of truth we feel we can rely on and why it's so hard to believe ourselves.

Monica's Instagram: @monicamooresmith

Monica's Tiktok: @monicamooresmith5

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Taylor shares her abuse story and how her reality became completely distorted and shaken over time. We discuss how she was made to feel like the offender and how she was often recorded, shamed, and blamed as a form of control. We discuss topics of emotional, financial, & sexual abuse throughout the episode.

Guest details will be private for now until further notice.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

On this episode, I am joined by podcast host and abuse recovery coach Laura Richards. Laura is the host of That's Where I'm At Podcast and we dive deep into both the addictive nature of the cycle of abuse and her personal story. We speak about the trauma bond, gaslighting, and abusers who frequently talk to other women as a form of punishment.

If you would like to get in touch with Laura, visit her social media pages:

Instagram: @thatswhereimatpodcast

TikTok: @thatswhereimatpodcast

Podcast: That's Where I'm At Podcast

Nicolette shares about the emotional, psychological, and sexual abuse she faced in her marriage and how minimizing, denying, and blaming made it so hard to see through the fog. We discuss how abusers will often seem very forthcoming and honest about their "past" struggles and use their honesty as a distraction to their current behavior.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Erin shares her abuse story of enduring physical, emotional, verbal & financial abuse. She describes how her abuser blamed the mistreatment on "stressors" and kept her in a cycle of hoping it was always just about to get better.

Erin's Instagram:

@love_doesnt_destroy

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.