The Cult I Left Behind
Newly-ish married couple, Amanda and Kyle, discuss Amanda’s upbringing in the IBLP cult of Duggar infamy – a story Kyle learns about along with listeners. Through sometimes humorous, sometimes heartbreaking stories, Amanda and Kyle explore the cult’s ideology, the strange rules that surrounded Amanda’s childhood, and the abuse she endured before leaving the cult. Through it all, they talk about what it takes to break free from a cult and what gets left behind.
Statement Regarding the Sentencing of Amanda's Brother
Amanda and Kyle make a statement about the recent sentencing of Amanda's younger brother.
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100 - Goodbye for Now
One hundred episodes. Two and a half years. This is the moment when we pause and look back, say thank you, and close this chapter that is so dear to our hearts. Amanda and Kyle take a trip down memory lane, pay tribute to guests who came on the show, and share two important letters - one to the person who made this show possible, and one for you: the people who made it real because you showed up, week after week. Much love to each of you.
Stay on the journey with Amanda as she pivots t...
99 - What Kyle Knows Now
We've been crying for days, and we're not done yet.
In this penultimate episode, Amanda and Kyle reflect on 2.5 years and nearly 100 episodes of The Cult I Left Behind — what it cost, what it gave back, and what they know now that they didn't when they hit record for the first time.
Amanda shares what this show taught her about her own healing, her foundational wounds around family and belonging, and a moment at the dining room table that gave her something she'd waited almost 40 years for.
Then it's Kyle's turn. For 99 episodes he...
98 - Good Girls Don’t Scream
Many of us who were raised to be good little girls are facing some hard realizations these days.
This episode is a stark look at the links between cults, high-control religion, and sex trafficking rings, and their impact on girls and women.
Amanda grew up inside the Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP) cult, a high-control religious system where girls were trained to be compliant, deferential, and self-policing. Being “good” meant protecting the system. It meant absorbing harm quietly. It meant never being the problem.
In this conversation, Amanda and Kyle explore how “good g...
One-Week Delay
We're focusing on our little family this week, but will release back-to-back episodes to make up for the delay. See you in a week!
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97 - Fear: The Foundation of Cults
Fear lives in the stories we tell ourselves, the categories we cling to, and the way we decide who is safe and who is “other.”
In this episode, Amanda and Kyle examine how fear quietly shapes worldviews in cults, families, belief systems, politics, and everyday thinking. Amanda reflects on a question listeners have asked for years: How did your parents end up in a cult? Her answer is simple, but unsettling: fear.
Together, Amanda and Kyle explore how fear and high-control systems operate in strikingly similar ways. They simplify complexity. They demand certainty. They divide the...
Emergency Statement: January 25, 2026
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96 - Exposure Isn't Change
We’re often told that exposure leads to change. That once harm is named, brought into the light, or made public, something will finally shift.
But that hasn’t been Amanda's experience.
In this episode, Amanda and Kyle talk through why exposure alone rarely produces real change and why, in many systems, it actually becomes a substitute for it. They look at how harm can be acknowledged over and over without anything structural changing, how public reaction creates the feeling of accountability without enforcing it, and why the same dynamics keep repeating even when everyone insi...
95 - Jeffrey Epstein, Bill Gothard, and the Architecture of Abuse
In 2024, as public conversations about abuse, grooming, and accountability unfolded again and again, Amanda found herself watching familiar patterns repeat. These patterns felt uncomfortably close to the high-control religious world she thought she had left behind. For Amanda, this was not just cultural commentary. It was personal.
In this episode, Amanda and Kyle step away from sensationalism to offer something different: structure.
Using the cases of Jeffrey Epstein and Bill Gothard, Amanda explains the architecture of abuse. She examines how power is built, protected, and normalized, how grooming operates long before it becomes criminal, and...
94 - Creating Joy When Life Has Been Heavy
The holidays come with an expectation of joy. For many people, that expectation can feel impossible.
In this quiet, honest conversation, Amanda shares a truth she’s been sitting with for a long time: healing doesn’t automatically make you receptive to happiness or joy. When your nervous system formed in trauma, joy doesn’t arrive on command, and it often can’t depend on other people or outcomes you can’t control.
Together, Amanda and Kyle talk about trauma and the weight of holding other people’s stories, as well as what it looks like to crea...
93 – Am I a Bad Person? (Moral Scrupulosity OCD)
In this episode, Amanda and Kyle dive into moral scrupulosity OCD and how it has shaped Amanda’s life. She shares openly about the intense anxiety and compulsive behaviors she developed growing up in a high-control religious environment under Bill Gothard’s IBLP cult. These patterns looked like “perfectionism” on the surface but were actually rooted in fear, uncertainty, and shame.
Amanda discusses the research connecting high-control religion to obsessive-compulsive symptoms and explains how scrupulosity didn’t disappear when she left the belief system, it just changed form. Today, it shows up in relationships, conflict, and her own interna...
First Family Sickness & Thanksgiving Wishes
We’ll see you next week, when we’re feeling better, for an episode Amanda is so excited to share with you all! We’re grateful for you and we love you guys!
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92 - A Day in the Life of a Deconstructing Parent
Sit in on the first conversation Amanda and Kyle have had together about what they’re learning on their journey as new parents. Amanda opens up about lifelong fears around the kind of mother she might become, and Kyle reflects on what he actually sees in her. Together, they laugh (and yawn) their way through the learning curves of parenting and share some of the moments when Amanda’s past collides with the present, such as raising public school kids after growing up in a cult that kept her from ever attending one and therefore having no idea how they w...
91 - Holy Disruptor: Breaking the Silence and the Rules
Amy Duggar King joins us to talk about her new book Holy Disruptor, and she does not hold back. From growing up around the Duggar family and IBLP to setting boundaries and breaking cycles of silence, Amy brings her whole heart to shining a light on the darkness that shaped her childhood and family.
We talk about the gap between reality TV and real life, what it means to be labeled the “black sheep,” and how choosing truth and boundaries can lead to real peace. Amy opens up about the process of writing Holy Disruptor, healing generational traum...
90 - From Resilience to Resourcefulness: Elizabeth Estabrooks on Trauma Recovery
Author, veteran, and advocate Elizabeth Estabrooks joins Amanda and Kyle to explore the realities of trauma, institutional betrayal, and what it truly means to heal. Drawing from her decades in sexual assault and domestic violence advocacy, Liz shares the inspiration behind her book Broken in the Stronger Places—and why healing is less about perfection and more about resourcefulness.
Connect with Elizabeth:
www.awomansvoicepress.com
Buy Elizabeth's book here:
Signed Copy
Barnes & Noble
Amazon
Fundraising for the Spanish version of th...
89 - Dear Diary, Everything Has Changed
In this episode of The Cult I Left Behind, Amanda once more opens up her old diaries from her time in the IBLP cult and the early days of leaving. She reads while Kyle reacts in real time. Together, they talk through what those pages reveal about life inside IBLP, the challenges of leaving, and the moments of growth and hope along the way. Amanda and Kyle also share some important life updates.
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88 - The Time Kyle Acquired the Fire: Shiny Happy People Season 2 Recap
We’re diving into Shiny Happy People Season 2 — and this time, Kyle’s the one with the inside scoop. While Amanda expected to lead the conversation, it turned out Kyle’s past experience at an Acquire the Fire event made this season his wheelhouse.
In this episode, we share our live reactions, unpack the big themes of Season 2, and talk through why this follow-up series hits differently than the first. Whether you’ve already binged it or are still working up the courage to press play, join us as we process what the doc reveals about high-control religion...
87 - Chantelle’s Story: From Shame and Control to Healing and Freedom
When Chantelle was sent to the cult Headquarters as an “encouragement case,” she encountered Bill Gothard’s inappropriate and abusive behavior toward teenage girls firsthand. She shares what it was like to grow up in IBLP and ATI, survive both Headquarters and the cult’s finishing school for young ladies, and ultimately marry young to escape her father’s “umbrella of authority.” Today, Chantelle uses her story and training in hypnotherapy to educate others and bring healing to those manipulated by shame, guilt, and fear. She also offers practical ideas and resources for people who want to pursue healing but face finan...
86 - Mother Wounds with Jessica Jocelyn (Part 2)
In the second half of our conversation with poet Jessica Jocelyn, we pick up where the shocking story of her mom left off. Jessica shares how poetry became a way to make sense of loss, love, and the wounds only a mother can leave behind. Together, Amanda and Jessica talk about healing mother wounds, the fear of becoming like the women who hurt them, and the complicated feelings that surface as we begin to look more and more like our mothers with age.
Connect with Jessica:
linktr.ee/jessicajocelyn
Instagram: @letters.to.anna
85 - Mother Wounds with Jessica Jocelyn (Part 1)
In Part 1 of this two-part conversation, we’re honored to welcome poet Jessica Jocelyn—whose writing has been a healing touchstone for Amanda and may already be familiar to listeners of the podcast.
Jessica is a best-selling poet whose work explores love, loss, motherhood, and the complexities of family with raw emotional power. She’s the author of five volumes of poetry, all widely praised for their vulnerability, resonance, and reach.
In this episode, we discuss:
Jessica’s childhood with a mother who felt more like a cult leaderHer experience as an adult convert in the J...84 - Sometimes, You Get What You Want
Amanda has gotten a lot of questions about whether she would ever let anyone from her biological family back into her life.
For a long time, the answer was no. But then something changed.
It’s been a year and a half, and we've waited a long time to talk about it. This is the first time we're sharing the story.
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83 - Dear Diary
Amanda reads from her childhood diaries—yes, actual entries from her cult years—and then melts through the floor in embarrassment. It’s awkward, vulnerable, and a surprisingly raw window into growing up homeschooled under fundamentalism.
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82 - One Story, Two Journeys
Amanda opens this episode with some never-before-shared stories from her early experiences in therapy—including one that caught even Kyle off guard. From there, the mic turns, and Kyle shares what it was like to hear Amanda’s story for the first time and slowly step into the world of advocacy and trauma-informed care. What begins as reflection becomes something quietly transformative—revealing just how much learning and love can grow side by side.
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81 - Losing Parents the Second Time
In a deeply personal episode, Amanda opens up about the circumstances that led to the end of her relationship with her adoptive parents. What started as a long-building tension came to a head when Amanda asked to be treated like a real daughter—and was told no. She and Kyle walk through the factors that shaped the outcome, what was said, how it unfolded, and what it means to grieve the loss of a family you thought chose you.
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80 - Family Ended With Boundaries
Content warning: This episode includes discussion of sexual violence, including against children.
When Amanda set boundaries with her bio family—and the brother who abused her—she expected it to be hard. But not like this. In this highly personal episode, she shares a glimpse into the painful correspondence with her three younger brothers and their disturbing responses: manipulation, gaslighting, and spiritual abuse. They questioned her story, weaponized religion, and even tried to enlist her ex-husband—claiming he was “God’s authority” over her life—to force her back into the family’s narrative about the abuse.
79 - Mother’s Day, Mother Wounds
As The Cult I Left Behind listeners know, Mother’s Day isn’t a sappy Hallmark holiday for Amanda. In this episode, Amanda and Kyle talk about what the day brings up—not just for Amanda, but for anyone who experienced harm from their mothers. Amanda shares a letter she wrote to the mother figures in her life and reflects on how watching motherhood play out in the cult shaped her earliest beliefs—and deepest fears—about what it means to be a mom. She also reads a personal list of fears she’s had about becoming a mother herself, and...
A Quick Update
Unfortunately there was a death in the family and we do not have an episode for this week. However, we have a short update about some interviews and an upcoming livestream. Stay tuned for more information.
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78 - Discipline Outside the Cult
In this companion to the earlier episode on discipline inside the cult, Amanda and Kyle shift their focus to what healthy, respectful discipline actually looks like. They reflect on what they’re learning in their adoption training classes and how sharply it contrasts with the abusive tactics Amanda experienced growing up in the IBLP cult. They also discuss the lasting impact of corporal punishment, including research showing it affects the brain in ways similar to sexual abuse and other forms of violence.
For Amanda, this conversation runs even deeper. As someone who’s lost both a biological and...
77 - Unpacking the Past: Cults, Faith, and Family Truths
In this episode, Amanda and Kyle dive into listener questions about what made Amanda’s parents susceptible to joining the cult, how they became involved, how the cult accumulated massive assets, and whether Amanda’s rapist brother ever received any mental health diagnoses. They also discuss how Amanda’s college viewed the cult's ideology and its current reputation within the evangelical community.
Amanda and Kyle also tackle a thought-provoking question about faith: how does Amanda respond to people who say it wasn’t God who failed her, but people? A nuanced theological conversation follows.
Finally, Amanda a...
76 - Finding Peace in Denmark: A Journey from High-Control to True Relaxation
In this episode, Amanda and Kyle share their transformative experience during a recent trip to Denmark, contrasting it with Amanda's upbringing in a high-pressure religious environment and subsequent military service. Amanda discusses how the slower pace and quieter, more relaxed culture of Denmark allowed her to feel truly relaxed and safe for the first time in her life. They explore the cultural differences they observed, including the emphasis on work-life balance and the importance of being present, which profoundly impacted Amanda. As they strive to integrate these lessons into their life back in the U.S., Amanda and Kyle...
75 - How to Deconstruct
In this episode, Amanda and Kyle dive into the process of deconstruction—what it is, why it happens, and how it unfolds across different areas of life. From faith and identity to relationships and worldviews, they explore the key domains of deconstruction and the challenges that come with questioning deeply held beliefs. Whether you're in the middle of your own deconstruction journey or just curious about what it entails, this conversation offers insight and validation.
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74 - Big Changes, Listener Q&A, and Cult Realities
Some big life changes are on the horizon, and Amanda and Kyle share a bit about their next steps as a family. They also dive into listener questions, discussing the most effective therapy approaches Amanda has found, how the cult handled cases of incest, and its stance on queer folks. It’s a raw and thought-provoking conversation—one you won’t want to miss.
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73 - Growing Up in IBLP: A Male Survivor’s Perspective on Trauma and Healing
In this episode, we sit down with Nate, an IBLP/ATI cult survivor and trauma survivor, to unpack the deeply ingrained conditioning we experienced growing up in the cult. From childhood grooming and the loss of personal identity to the twisted teachings that framed God’s love as something to be earned, we explore the ways the cult set us up for harm. Nate shares his personal journey of launching into adulthood without the tools to navigate the real world, the challenges of healing from childhood and religious trauma, and his experiences as a man seeking therapy. We also di...
72 - Protecting Kids from Sexual Abuse: What Every Parent Should Know
When we think about keeping kids safe from predators, we often imagine dangers lurking in the shadows—but the reality is much harder to face. Most abuse is committed by people close to the family, making prevention both challenging and deeply personal. In this episode, Amanda shares practical, real-world strategies for protecting kids from sexual predators, setting clear boundaries, and creating open lines of communication that empower children to speak up.
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71 - Your Stories, Our Answers: Family Rejection, Advocacy, and Healing
In this episode, Amanda and Kyle tackle listener questions surrounding the impact of purity culture and sexual trauma. They dive into Sadia’s poignant voicemail, discussing how rigid purity culture affects perspectives on sex and consent, and dissect the harmful black-and-white thinking that can follow. Amanda shares personal insights into breaking free from self-blame and replacing toxic family voices in your head with healing ones. They also respond to a touching message from Naomi, a fellow IBLP survivor, highlighting the importance of self-love and the complexities of family rejection. Additionally, they offer practical advice for listeners like Erica, who ar...
70 - A Conversation with Cult Survivor and Author Daniella Mestyanek Young
What happens when you escape a world built on control, fear, and secrecy? How do you begin to heal after a life of indoctrination? This week, we're joined by Daniella Mestyanek Young, author, TEDx speaker, and cult survivor, to dive deep into the harrowing and inspiring journey of leaving a cult—and finding yourself on the other side.
Daniella's website: https://uncultureyourself.com/
Buy Daniella's book: https://uncultureyourself.com/pages/book
Instagram: @daniellamyoung_
Facebook: @Daniella Mestyanek Young_Author
YouTube: @KnittingCultLady
X: @daniellamyoung
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69 - Sex, Healing, and Breaking Generational Cycles
In this episode, Amanda and Kyle are joined by Marian, a sexual health and pleasure educator, for a powerful conversation about breaking cycles of shame and stigma. Marian shares her positive experience growing up in a family where vulnerability, honesty, and support were the norm when it came to tough topics like sex.
Together, they explore the stark contrast between Marian’s upbringing and Amanda’s experience in the oppressive purity culture of the cult. They dive into what it means to pass down healing, not shame, to the next generation and how parents can foster openness and...
68 - Wrapping Up & Moving Forward
Amanda and Kyle reflect on an incredible year of connection and growth and share their heartfelt gratitude for the listeners who’ve supported the show. From messages and comments to thoughtful questions, your voices have made this journey meaningful. Amanda and Kyle also drop some news about exciting episodes coming in January to kick off the new year! As the holiday season approaches, Amanda shares a gentle reminder to prioritize emotional safety, mental health, and self-compassion. The podcast will take a short two-week break, but Amanda and Kyle can’t wait to return in January, refreshed and ready for what...
67 - A Forced Apology
Amanda shares a pivotal moment from her childhood: being made to apologize to the person who raped her. She and Kyle discuss the circumstances that led to this event, the family and cult factors at play, and how the experience continues to affect Amanda today. Together, they explore the long-term implications of spiritual manipulation and abuse.
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66 - Defying Gravity and Cults
In this heartfelt and personal episode, Amanda opens up about the unexpected role the musical Wicked played in her journey of leaving the IBLP cult and rediscovering herself. From its powerful themes of challenging authority to embracing individuality, Amanda shares how the story of Elphaba’s courage and defiance resonated deeply during her deconstruction and healing process. With raw vulnerability, she recounts the moments when Wicked’s music and lyrics felt like a lifeline, inspiring her to “defy gravity” and chart a new path. Whether you’re a fan of Broadway or navigating your own personal struggles, this episode is a remin...
