In Oeuvre Our Heads

Oops I did it again.

This time instead of rambling off the cuff I sat down and wrote 5 and a half pages on some of my thoughts, because... you know.. I'm a card carrying member of the elite cultural intelligentsia class. Right?

I start off by comparing the 2022 film Barbarian thematically and stylistically to Shyamalan's oeuvre thus far; and then I go on a tangent unpacking some of the gender politics and depictions of masculinity in the film which we all know people are super chill about in the year of our Lord 2025 so buckle...

Hey all, Zach here.

In a sad attempt to pretend at being like a real movie podcaster/reviewer I went rogue and solo watched a movie and recorded my thoughts on it while it's still in its opening weekend. Aaron and especially Hans weren't that interested in watching this, so sometimes you just gotta roll up your sleeves and take care of business on your own.

But like, I kinda non-specifically relate it to the works of M. Night Shyamalan we have watched thus far, so I have some excuse to drop this in the...

We all know After Earth was... shall we say, not well received. I really wanted to find something redeeming about it. I really wanted to end up with a more interesting opinion. I really, really did.

Unfortunately, that just didn't happen. This movie absolutely blows.

Edited by Hans.

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We have so much to say about this one, like trust me bro, if anything almost way too many thoughts and opinions we're just dying to share. We wouldn't be the pros we are if that weren't the case. If we ran out of things to say like 20 minutes in and then spent just as much time talking about something unrelated like Henry Cavill or something... we'd look like a bunch of amateurs or something.

Spoiler alert: it's not Diet Twin Peaks like at least one of us expected going in; it's like a Truman Show/Lost...

The three of us met up over the 4th of July, and with recurring guest star, Sara Wiberg filming the whole event, we finally try out Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt: Asian Experience. Zach found it on ebay for $33, but the potential trip to the hospital was priceless.

The full unedited video is available on Patreon!

Apologies for the audio quality as we were outside with dogs and fireworks going off at random in the middle of the day when you couldn't actually see them. Also the three of us couldn't stop slapping the table for...

Whew, sorry about that. I moved house, so this one is a liiiiiitle late. Worth it though! In this episode, Zach and I complement Hans for a good while there and he expertly spins it into a negative. We also really begin to crack the code on Shyamalan. Oh, and we talk about Trap again.

The original recording was well over two hours. There's so much gold I just had to let float down that stream. If you want to pan for it yourself, feel free to join our Patreon. It's got everything. And plus!

...

"Completely worthless as an audio product" ~Zach (Regarding us talking about the movie, not the movie, we actually liked the movie)

Edited by Hans.

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Cover Art uses modified Creative Commons-licensed images from:

https://www.freemalaysiatoday.com/category/leisure/2019/01/10/director-m-night-shyamalan-merges-past-storylines-in-new-movie-glass/

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Has Anyone Really Been Far Even as Decided to Use Even Go Want to do Look More Like?

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Cover Art uses modified Creative Commons-licensed images from:

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First of all, I just need you to know that I edited this down to a tight hour from an original recording of nearly 3 hours. Only the best of the best makes it in. All cream in this here crop.

Join us here as we begin at the end to unpack the Unbreakable Trilogy in reverse order, starting at the thrilling conclusion of this meta-superhero triptych. Does this alternate perspective lend any new insights that you'd miss out on if you watched these three films in the right order? You'll just have to listen to find out...<...

Ok, spoiler alert, we all really liked this one and you should watch this show. Sadly, it's only on Apple TV+, which means you've probably never heard of it even though it got four seasons and was executive produced by M. Night Shyamalan. People tell me that Apple TV+ has some really great shows, and all evidence I've seen says that's true. I'm still not signing up for an Apple product of any kind. Tim Apple will just have to deal with that.

Edited by Aaron.

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The real title is just Old, but calling it by its full made-up name is funnier. It's really all just right there in the title.

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Cover Art uses modified Creative Commons-licensed images from:

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We continue Season 2 with Shyamalan's 2023 film Knock At The Cabin featuring Jonathan Groff, Dave Bautista, Ruper Gr- oh shoot he's gone now I guess...

If four people showed up at your door and said that one of you had to die... that would be pretty weird right? Neat concept you think? Pretty scary, huh? You think there's any kind of surprising twist on that premise or anything? You'll just have to listen to find out...

Edited by Zach.

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Season 2!!! Let's hear it for season 2! This time around, we'll be looking at the oeuvre of one of Hollywood's most identifiable auteurs, Mr. Movies Night Shyamalan. But, oh, what a twist, we'll be doing this whole season... in reverse! Join us as we set out to answer the biggest questions surrounding this enigmatic moviemaker. What is a "Shyamalan Twist?" Why does the dialogue in this movie sound so weird? Why is everyone wrong about Trap?

It's gonna be a wild ride!

Edited by Aaron.

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MERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY LIFE DAY!

We hope you are all safe and happy on your home planets watching your Jefferson Starship holotapes with family and friends.

Happy Life Day... and we do mean Happy Life Day.

Edited by Zach.

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Heeeelllloooooo and welcome to an all new show! Now that we've finished watching terrible movies for a solid year-and-a-half, we thought it would be nice to sit back, relax, and... *checks notes*... start a whole new show about bad movies!? At least this time we're pretty sure that we're gonna like some of these. This episode is about the Super Mario Bros movie (no, not that one). Trust the fungus! It'll be a wild ride!

Edited by Aaron.

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Music from #Uppbeat (free f...

Wow aren't you lucky, two episodes back to back. That's what happens when we build up this rich back catalogue by not releasing anything for like 5 months. Not really fighting the abandoned podcast allegations...

We made it... Did you think we would make it? I don't think we were even sure we would make it. But we made it!

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Disclaimer: We do not endorse Steven Seagal nor any of the heinous acts of which he is accused. We do not...

Guiseppi Gasagna is back and he is back with a vengeance! Follow along as he tortures us one last time on our encyclopedic knowledge of Steven Seagal and his many terrible movies. There are no winners, only losers, but we're battling to see who loses the least!

Edited by Hans.

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Disclaimer: We do not endorse Steven Seagal nor any of the heinous acts of which he is accused. We do not wish to boost his career, finances, or ego; we just aim to talk about...

You've stuck with us for 49 episodes over nearly 2 years, and for 49 episodes we've talked about the long awaited sequel to 1988's Above The Law. We're finally here, and boy-oh-boy is it disappointing and anticlimactic.

Edited by Hans.

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Disclaimer: We do not endorse Steven Seagal nor any of the heinous acts of which he is accused. We do not wish to boost his career, finances, or ego; we just aim to talk about his many very, very bad movies.

Sorry this one is a week late, but Bad Boys: Ride or Die came out last week so I had to catch that... and I also kinda just didn't feel like sitting down to edit it, ya know? We're 48 deep here and lemme tell ya, it ain't getting any easier.

What is there to even say about General Commander (2019)... not sure but we somehow managed to talk about it for like an hour.

Almost there. I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel...

Look at lil' Podcasting Bailey though!

...

We found it. We finally found it... the Platonic form of Seagal movies.

If you ever wanted to see the Seagal-iest Seagal movie ever made (which you don't), look no further. This thing has got everything! Life advice delivered via fist fight, Seagal doing Eastern medicine, ambiguous magic which is both central to the plot and possibly nonexistent, and much, much more! Come listen to us talk about it for a way shorter time than you would think.

Edited by Aaron.

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What can I say about China Salesman? It's all in the title. You might ask yourself then, what do Steven Seagal and Mike Tyson, the front-runners on the poster, have to do with the China Salesman? Well the answer is easy. Nothing.

Here's an Imgur album for screenshots we reference.

Edited by Hans.

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Disclaimer: We do not endorse Steven Seagal nor any of the heinous acts of which he is accused. We do not wish to boost his career, finances, or ego; we...

This episode may look slightly long but a full ten or eleven minutes of that runtime consist of a discussion surrounding Mad Max: Fury Road (2015). That discussion mostly just being Zach and Aaron shouting different Fury Road quotes at each other next to a vaguely bemused Hans.

This Cartels movie has it all: gunfights, interrogations, betrayals, comedy relief side characters. Is any of it good... well, not really, but it's all.

We're almost there. I can see the light at the end of this sewer pipe.

Edited by Zach.

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Yeah, yeah, Seagal made a movie in which he plays a fascist and the movie somehow does not comment on fascism in any way. It's exactly as fun and interesting as Bladerunner would have been if it weren't directed by Ridley Scott and if the budget were $12. Most pressing, however, is discovering which of us is the podcast's Brad Pitt.

Edited by Aaron.

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Music:

"Meatball Parade" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)

Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License

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He's on a contract alright, but not to kill. Will that stop him from killing anyway? Definitely not. Does that ruin the whole plan? Absolutely. Is the whole experience as dull and boring as it is frustrating and infuriating? You betcha.

Here's an Imgur album for screenshots we reference.

Edited by Hans.

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Disclaimer: We do not endorse Steven Seagal nor any of the heinous acts of which he is accused. We do not wish to boost his career, finances, or ego; we just...

I'm gonna be 100% pure uncut completely honest with you; even after watching this movie and talking about it and listening to all of that again while editing the episode, at the time I'm writing these show notes I don't think I could tell you much of anything about this movie. It's that forgettable.

At least we had friend of the show Josh Rosa on as a guest to help flesh out the Steven See-It-All lore and set the record straight on a few important matters. That was a real hoot. Don't watch this movie.

Edited...

In this week's episode we spend a little bit of time discussing, as Aaron puts it, "Bonnie and Clyde but BORING" and the rest of the time is either spent discussing other terrible movies or talking about Batman. Essentially a good overview of the quintessential American male interaction in the 21st century; for any future anthropologists who are listening.

Do we ever figure out what exactly it is that Asia is connecting? Your guess is as good as ours.

Edited by Zach.

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It happened. It finally happened. We knew it would happen sooner or later, and if I'm honest, it took longer than I thought it would. But this one broke me. I never knew just how far downhill we could go.

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Disclaimer: We do not endorse Steven Seagal nor any of the heinous acts of which he is accused. We do not wish to boost his career, finances, or ego; we just aim to talk about his many very, very bad movies.

This week we discuss Seagal's take on the Punisher... dang... I could be watching The Punisher instead of this...

Remarkably there's an almost Jackie Chan-inspired shootout where the main character has to defend himself while stuck sitting in a chair the entire time and it somehow isn't Seagal doing this. They gotta be jerking our chains at this point. We also speculate that maybe this movie kind of tries to pull off a Fight Club-esque twist but we're honestly not 100% sure on that.

I know that we've consistently talked about how bad these things are...

INT. WRITER'S ROOM - DAY

A group of men are gathered around a table, discussing a pitch for a new action movie. They speak in hushed tones, as if fearing to be overheard. One of them lights a cigarette indoors.

BYRON MANN [Star]

So, I'm actually the star this time, right?

KEONI WAXMAN [Director]

(Nervously) Yeah, alongside Vinnie Jones as the villain. We just have to keep things under wraps until we start filming, or else...

There's a knock at the door. Everyone freezes. Tension builds in...

We're back, and we're 'bout to snatch every mother****** birthday.

If you can figure that one out, please let us know because we sure can't.

Edited by Hans.

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Disclaimer: We do not endorse Steven Seagal nor any of the heinous acts of which he is accused. We do not wish to boost his career, finances, or ego; we just aim to talk about his many very, very bad movies.

Ving Rhames, Danny Trejo, and Bren Foster headline a movie that for some reason claims to star Steven Seagal.

Seagal plays a mob boss who sells out his best man to his rival for some reason, despite the fact that he knows his rival set up the guy and the rival is trying to muscle in on Seagal's turf... but Seagal is also trying to retire from the mob life anyway so what's even the point of anything that anyone is doing here? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.

Edited by Zach.

...

This week in the ring we have crowd favorite(?) Steven Frederick Seagal! But wait, who's this??? It's... ~glass shatters~ Stone Cold Steve Austin!? He's coming off the top turnbuckle to deliver (what should have been) quite the show here tonight, folks (but wasn't). You're not gonna wanna miss this one, wrestling fans!

Content warning: Brief discussion of sexual violence as depicted in the movie

Edited by Aaron.

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Disclaimer: We do not endorse Steven Seagal nor any of the heinous acts of which he...

Zach and Aaron get a chance to put their respective master's degrees to work while Hans gives his gut feel. Who is right and who is wrong? The answer probably won't shock you, but listen anyway! If this one sounds like it was an editing mess, that's because it was.

Edited by Hans.

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Disclaimer: We do not endorse Steven Seagal nor any of the heinous acts of which he is accused. We do not wish to boost his career, finances, or ego; we just aim...

What if another actor basically tried to do the same shtick as Seagal, but better in every way? And also that actor was Danny Trejo; star of Desperado (1995), Con Air (1997), and author of cookbook Trejos Tacos (2020). Well you'd get a pretty fun movie with plenty of gory action, cheesy one-liners, and a genuine celebration of Mexican-American culture.

This one is gonna really through off the calibration of our movie watching experience, since we actually, like, enjoyed it.

Edited by Zach.

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Sergey, a car thief and son of a Russian mob kingpin is caught in the crossfire! After rescuing a young woman kidnapped by a rival mob, he must see her to safety, rescue her uncle from human traffickers, and uncover the dastardly plot which has them at its center. Can he survive the gangs, the crooked cops, and his demanding father while also getting the girl? Oh also Seagal is here, trying very desperately to be... A Dangerous Man.

Edited by Aaron.

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Have you ever wanted to watch two inexplicably and entirely different 20 minute movies separated by about 50 minutes of meaningless filler where neither the start or end have anything to do with each other, all wrapped up in the same rage-inducing mess of a film experience?

Yeah, neither did we.

Edited by Hans.

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Disclaimer: We do not endorse Steven Seagal nor any of the heinous acts of which he is accused. We do not wish to boost his career, finances, or ego; we just...

Happy All Hallows' Eve, dear listener. We have a delightfully spooOOoooOOOooOOOoooky episode for you today. This week we talk about a low budget "crime" ""thriller"" where Steven Seagal is lowers shades Driven to Kill. I guess. He kinda seems ready to kill anyone who even looks at him a little funny right from the start.

If this movie starts and the first 3 minutes or so really speak to you and have you interested then I guess you won't be disappointed, but I also don't think we should hang out anytime soon.

Here's an Imgur album...

In this week's episode (a few days late, sorry), Steven Seagal... does nothing of note really; he's barely in this one. Instead, a ragtag band of idiots attempt to escape what appears to be the world's largest hospital during a vampire (zombie?) apocalypse. The generator is failing and if they're not out before sunrise, they'll be obliterated along with the zombies (vampires?). They're in a race... Against the Dark

Imgur album of screenshots mentioned in the episode

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Unbeknownst to you, our dear listeners, it has been nearly two months since we last watched a Seagal movie that wasn't our punishment from the game show episode. I think it's fair to say it hit us all just as hard as we thought it would. Kill Switch was a thoroughly dull roller coaster ride with all the thrills, peaks, and valleys of a broken down carousel.

Edited by Hans.

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Disclaimer: We do not endorse Steven Seagal nor any of the heinous acts of which...

Steven Seagal is a drunk, unemployed, gambling-addicted, creepy deadbeat. Sorry, Steven Seagal plays a drunk, unemployed, gambling-addicted, creepy deadbeat in this one.

Does the title mean anything? No. Does the poster mean anything? No. Does anything that any character says to any other character even mean anything? Nope. The only thing watching this movie means is that it means I'm wasting my time.

Edited by Zach.

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Disclaimer: We do not endorse Steven Seagal nor any of the heinous acts of which he is...