It's Christmastown

We're shouting "Hey!" until you stop THE LOVE HEIST (2026), but first a brief message from our Kuato…

What if Goldfinger was real but Ghostbusters wasn't? … Petty, not about safety … End credits story songs … Philadelphia Maguire … KRS-One's Assault … The director of Plane … When you put it that way … Mission Accomplished!…

PART ONE

Danny Masterson, Grover, Peter Gallagher's son, Bruce Campbell or handsome Billy Drago … MVP Josh Hamilton … Felt, Flesh? I'm the Meatman … Why The Love Heist? … Dave's starf*cking … Wedding structures, Easter and hiding the stations of the cross … Yes, I DO shop seasonally … How does Hallmark Heist? … Crime...

HOLLY ANDERSON and RYAN NANNI return in crisp Fanatics jerseys for HOLIDAY TOUCHDOWN: A BILLS LOVE STORY (2025) but is Dave...

Italianx? … Let's start now! … Who's blameless? … Relatable mortification … Damar...

FIRST HALF

Car Talk, but Ball … Ryan and Holly are two different people … Do our parents know about our podcasts? … Holly, a miracle baby … The Gainesville of Cinema … Kendall Jenner, "Go Bills," copwear … Holiday Touchdown Prime … The Abraham Benrubi Santaverse … Raffi, Jim Kelly and Jesse Ventura … Not enough plummeted-Wisconsinite accents … Wrong light … Name that movie! … CAST RUNDOWN … Dr. Quinn/Dan Quinn … Steve Schirripa Appreciation Station … Leave the stew on … The Ex...

MAURA QUINT, CHARLES STAR and AARON KLEINMAN return for OY TO THE WORLD! (2025) but wait...

Now? … Sufganiyot? … Episode 142 … We'll do it live!

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE 

The happiest Vibecheck of all! … More Jews on this podcast than in Hallmark … Bar/Bat Mitzvah names … Let's get on a list! … J-Pass … Callback to Episode 78 … Pod-leak theory … Careless, mediocre; equality, finally! … Everyone's an alien … "Wet guys" … Maura hated it … "No Jews were consulted to make this movie" … Legible people, diarrhea girl … Self-flagellating home cooking … Joy Luck referential proof-of...

We're astrally projecting into an aldis lamp to tell CHRISTMAS BEDTIME STORIES (2022), but we are absolutely not dead, we're just…

TEASER:

In Florida, ok? … Top 10 JACKED-UP Movies … Call the General  

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE 

DEAD DAD … Please do not perceive us … Too disturbing for civvies … Cast Rundown … Escaping the NXIVM Cult … Heat, again … The Expositional Challenge … Listen to "Jeb & Maura's Awful Party" … Plot Mop-Up: Stepdad solution; Baxter (mutual) breakup … Rules-free ass-sliding nougat … Not a modeling-behavior movie … Detail-free resurrection … Never quit mourning … Destructive, was...

It's a Boogie-Woogie Royal boy and girl named Dee Dee having A ROYAL QUEEN'S CHRISTMAS (2021), and how did we find it?…

TEASER:

I use-a da Google! 

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE 

Getting the lead out for the NYC marathon … "Darren Wahlberg" … Vintage Hallmark mind prison … Long or Staten Island … Reopening the Beast … The dangers of nostalgia…

PART TWO 

Cast Rundown …Megan Park Appreciation Station … The Expositional Challenge … We're sensualists … Plot Mop-Up: Zoe's BF's fancy hotel bakery contract; big brother sn...

ANDY LEVY, MAURA QUINT & CHARLES STAR return for a latke contest and a little HANUKKAH ON RYE (2022) but first...

Everyone is being disrespectful to the story of Hanukkah.

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE 

Minyan introductions … Jewish menu check … Podcast Goy … Hallmark Hanukkah History … Jewishness at 11.5, for future museums … Instant Bubbe, chocolate syrup … "Hollywood" … Peter DeLuise, James Caan Rule … Pandering, mockery, Batman … Dissociation, grandparental Jewishness…

PART TWO  

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: You've Got Mail Crossing Delancey ... Plot Mop-Up: Lisa Loeb and Hanukk...

HOLLY ANDERSON brings us a piping hot basket of dogs to help us in GUIDING EMILY (2023), but…

TEASER:

We're at a loss … DMT and Togo … Live barking … 

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE 

Holly's forever home … Garth? … Hallmark knowledge (+200 Dodgeball) … Healthy for work: a millennial attack … Talking Dog theory … Eric McCormack, yellow lab … Surface dog, onscreen braille … Phone accessibility, unicornmoji … Timeless, America+…

PART TWO 

Cast Rundown … Drew? … Dog interlude … The Expositional Challenge … Afraid of beeps … Muad'Dog … Chronic illness/generational targeting … Wheelc...

Why did we try to find LOVE IN GLACIER NATIONAL PARK (2025)? Because it is there. As is…

TEASER:

The horniest avalanche-safety film we've ever seen, trapped in the Beavis terrarium of the ancestral mind, with Steve.

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE 

Is the Angel Jason Giambi? … Avalanche safety tips … A feast of table-read first takes … Extreme Hallmark throwback … The title! … Cast Rundown … The Expositional Challenge … Plot Mop-Up: Samantha, dog trainer, mom's apprentice; Sonya, stupid sexy Flanders mode … Beavis-world vision … Not pregnant, adios! … Swim...

We're having a launch party for the stuffed Italian bread triptychs honoring SISTERHOOD, INC. (2025), but first...

TEASER:

Don't fiddle with the knobs, or it's Queens for ya.

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE 

Happy Employment Movie! … Greeting cards, Tech Nazis, Roko's Basilisk … Jim Rome Take: A Hannibal Lecter Group Text Experience … Sacramento … No Trump phlegm, no fizz…     

PART TWO  

Cast Rundown … The Expositional Challenge … Plot Mop-Up: The, uh, entire romantic plot; board structure; 30 Billion Dowmericans; mature/good sister/mother/daught...

We're spending all day in the car on our way to a stationary restaurant, and them's the breaks with AN UNEXPECTED VALENTINE (2025), but first...

TEASER:

Our respect for the Boboli Corporation.

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE 

Foster Grant, CF Frost, Wells Fargo … Jim Caviezel and Scully … Bonus preview … Nick Bond Appreciation Station … "Fries" vs. "Pizza"...     

PART TWO  

We counted them down! … "Christmas" explains a lot … Can't remember movies … Why do these people meet? … Cast Rundown … Soriano or Osuna? … The Expos...

It's a new era of stripping color from the world, and all anyone can ask is WHERE ARE YOU, CHRISTMAS? (2023), but first...

Yeah, the audio thing was Dave's fault. I said it.

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE 

How I met your mother ... Doc Hollywood and Danny Wuerffel (again) ... Pleasantville, but Hallmark ... Back in the saddle ... Cast Rundown and Expositional Challenge ... Larded with Hallmark-movie metacognition ... Recognition, not comedy ... New Year's movies ... Nice vision of Christmas ... David Lynch's last film ...     

PART TWO  

We brought a murderer home who had an advent calendar kill schedule, and 'TWAS THE DATE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (2024), but first...

A Christmastown message from TV's Andy Levy ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE 

Watching with a widow ... Implausible landlordism ... It's fine, it's a Chilis II ... Elevated basement, structurally self-aware ... The AI/Gattaca of Hallmark ...     

PART TWO  

Cast Rundown, Expositional Challenge and Plot Mop-Up: Bryan vs. traditional suits; Jessie and Christmas games ... No gazebo, no kiss ... Groening's a Karpluk ... Buckley aff...

DC PIERSON hitches a ride on a taco truck to THE SANTA SUMMIT (2023), but...

Is that the blowjob guy?

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Meet DC! ... Santacon: A cold version of St. Patrick's Day ... DC's Hallmark Wicker Man experience ... Southwestern pro-Christmas ... A 100-disc changer... 

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Ava's Ben crush; Liam and Mac, construction networking ... Parasocial cast relationships ... The Beesley Touch ... A movie made of extra bits... 

PART THREE

Sp...

JAMIE KIRSTEN HOWARD lost her credit card and the clerk is CHECKIN IT TWICE (2023), but...

We've already got the furry erotica!

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE 

Glitterburrito ... Georgia championship hockey ... How Hallmark casting works

PART TWO  

Jamie's Christmas credentials ... Mariah-Grinch Continuum ... Is the Grinch horny? Furry? ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Deal-stealing boyfriend; Team Christmas Week; French-Canadian players ... Just settle! Like the rest of us! ... Covid-fueled throwback ... The Thee/Thou Threshold ... How do you act a story...

Our secret families said it's TIME FOR HER TO COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS (2023), but first...

Let's sing ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE 

Welcome to the cumbersome title, b*tch ... Cocoa in camo ... Throwback movie ... Cast Rundown ... Episode titles greatest hits ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Secret aunt, choir exercises ... Valid Wicker Man ... "A little 'Get Out'" ...     

PART TWO  

Spot the Angel: Susan and Pastor John ... Eat Your Heart Out: Oh my God dude; James Bond cocoa; pot-pie protocol; e...

MAURA QUINT & CHARLES STAR get trapped going ROUND AND ROUND (2023) with us, but...

Shut up, kids, it's the second episode of Hanukkah!

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE 

Chag Sameach ... We regret the errors ... It's good! ... Jew Belong meets war ... Good movie crammed into Hallmark, better than Christmas fare ... Crying at The Rock, Actually ... Jade  

PART TWO  

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Maura's Monologue; dreidel-dependent f*ckups; dating-help time loop ... Nerd cred ... Your boyfriend/son will explain th...

MEREDITH CLARK and Jeb travel to CHRISTMAS ISLAND (2023), but...

The lighthouse made me so angry ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE 

Attracted to the Menendez Brothers ... Six years of sloth ... Brain-braising movie cred ... "Christmas Neutral" ... Fuck 30 Rock (Geographical) ... "A Christmas Kettling" ... OK glurge, insufficient bonkersocity ...  

PART TWO  

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Christmas Guy Oliver, Grandpa Postal Santa; week nor'easter; anti-business business parents ... Discount billionaires ... Pilot, cook, flight attendant ... Hallmark lifestyle porn ... Dead lobstermen ... Briny Santa, orca driv...

We're checking out cemeteries for when MS. CHRISTMAS COMES TO TOWN (2023), but...

You're gonna wanna braise that elf ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE 

Blood tests ... Letters to Santa: 'Are You Dead?' Edition ... New big TV ... Gatorade trauma basketball ... WWI of motion smoothing ... Jobless with SSRI's ... 

PART TWO  

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: College lover, Washington New England ... It's the terminal diagnosis show! ... Miss Christmas: Origins ... Cancer, Grief and Kindness: The Movie ... Commendably adult ...      

PART THREE...

JESSICA RITCHEY supports a HOLIDAY FOR HEROES (2019) because: 

It's not a movie you watch, it's a pill you take ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ...

PART ONE 

Save a Troop Child ... "Dad History" - Michael Jackson ... Jessica: Tubi Magus ... Treat Williams ... Marc Blucas ... Muscle Twink Death ... NCAA athlete ... BDUs, dad bod ... Hallmark Hall of Fame vs. This ... Hallmark's Jehovah's Witness energy ... Home Goods ... S'mores contest ... Slighting the troops ... 

PART TWO  

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Military re-up; bringing a battalio...

Grab a 2x4 for the gazebo, it's A VERY MERRY BRIDESMAID (2021), but...

Let's get back to the ugly Christmas sweater bachelor party ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE 

Meet me at the gazebo ... Sleepytime ... Bright Lights, Big Sweater ... O'Henry ≠ Bierce ... Long trip, short distance ... Self-improvement procrastination ... Christmas Eve/Day weddings/birthdays ... Knifed by your own brother ...

PART TWO  

Join the Patreon, hear the Fascist Date story ... Inside the Game ... Drizzle, the condom ... Institutional Haley Joel Osment bias ... Cast Rundown...

RYAN NANNI discovers all roads lead to Arli$$, and we're A WINNING TEAM (2023) because: 

All we see is the goal ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ...

PART ONE 

Ryan's podcast samsara ... Rebawatchables ... Lady Frankenstein ... Mary Shelley, Bobby Bonilla ... Ryan's Hallmark expertise ... Brain damage ... Throwback, safety-presentation movie ... Christmas move, Arbor Day ... 

PART TWO  

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Divorce, Shakespeare production, Clemson scholarship ... The Hallmark ACC ... Spot the Hustle: Rasheed Wallace; unconvincing sports; no mock franchises; real arena, public park; dimi...

Surprise! It's AN UNEXPECTED CHRISTMAS (2021) and we're still dating! Also, ...

This is a bad idea ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE 

Turn on Dave's She-Shed ... Lair, fort, Rodney Dangerfield ... Unprepared! ... "The Single Guy" ... Jackie Joyner-Kersee and Paul Campbell ... Three Wise Men and a Baby ... Christmas Season vs. Baseball Season ... Canadian doo-wop ... Paul Campbell (Screenwriting) Appreciation Station ... Mamet notes ... Sharing the quippy wealth ... Coming up! ...  

PART TWO  

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Dead Christmas patriarch, gay sister, gay chief...

We celebrate A KISMET CHRISTMAS (2022) with one dose of cookies and realize ...

When the ingenues need help, they make one call: La Chabert ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE 

Jeb's at the Strawberry Festival ... Simultaneous Strep and Covid ... Jazzys in the Entenmann's Event Tent ... We liked it! ... Meta threat ... Parenthood, dud ensemble ... "Hallmark Christmas Blogger Sarah Ramos" ... Aware, but not kidding ... Fun hammy ...  

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO  

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-U...

We take A FABLED HOLIDAY (2022) out of time, and we apologize:

No one's claiming the rights ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ...

PART ONE 

Play that glissando! ... Holiday recap: Hatchet accident, child custody, punting to Queens ... "Hanukkah on Rye" update ... A year of Countdown to Christmas Countdown ... Decompensating via Christmas nostalgia ... Who are your guys? ...  

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO  

Cast Rundown ... The Jake guy ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Widower Charles on the Event Horizon...

It's PUMPKIN EVERYTHING (2022), and we'll never pass up a good thing.

Radio by seniors, for seniors ... 

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ...

PART ONE 

Bug planet! ... Michael Ironside Appreciation Station ... Extremely weird, way too real ... Dead malls, pizza chains ... Repetitive love arc. vs. elder mortality and AA ... A rom-som template on real vulnerability ... Bruce Arians ... Our aging [step]parents[-in-law], aging and driving ... First normal person in a Hallmark world ... Committed, sincere, Hallmark dialogue ... Fundamental grouchy love ... Real Crossover: A Canadian indie film in a Hallma...

CASEY JOHNSTON'S making us stretch before WARMING UP TO YOU (2021), but we're willing to reconsider if: 

We want to buy that "Congrats on finding a floater" card ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ...

PART ONE 

Toilet drop ... Meet Casey! ... Love your work, and I'm not heeding it ... Renamed movie ... Grew up in Hallmark stores ... Teen money ... Haunted by figurines ... Work at Hallmark ... Work at the Gap ... Gift wrap ... Year-round Christmas store ... 

PART TWO  

Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up ... Wrecked to...

JONATHAN KATZ and SAM ADLER-BELL sail into history aboard the USS Christmas (2020), but first:

Let's go get hot chocolate!

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Meet Jon, Sam, Sam's grandma and Jon's mom! ... Happy story, death machine ... Cast Rundown ... Niven ... The Dual Expositional Challenge ... Was this fun? ... Can't think past the meatball ... Bald evangelism ... Cool planes ... Hanoi Hilton ... Ruin movies with college ... Not much USO ... Vietnam ...

Break: "I Bombed Korea," by Cake

PART TWO

Journalismism: The...

We started DATING THE DELANEYS (2022), but: 

Do you know how loud jai alai is? ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ...

PART ONE 

Wink! ... Wine Clown (taupe) ... Rom-rom, with jokes ... Jennifer Barrow Appreciation Station ... 

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO  

Cast Rundown ... McNamara nostalgia ... Restorative justice for Brendan Zub ... Manderson Mode ... The Expositional Challenge ... A horn of a sort ... Plot Mop-Up: Michael, guiding PR practice; ex-husband rehab; horny grandma; arcade-bar; gone fishin' ... They seem like people! ... Paul Campbell A...

Uproxx's VINCE MANCINI gave us a buzz to talk CUT, COLOR, MURDER (2022), but:

Forensics can wait for the pageant ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ...

PART ONE

All things seamy, guest starring Sutton Niekro ... Sopranos vs. Hallmark podcasting ... Vince's Hallmark bona fides ... Gilmore Girls comp ... Muted romance, many speakers ... Lego/cigarette Canadian ... More Karpluk! ... Cast Rundown ... Jeb Flubs Name of Brendon Zub ... The Expositional Challenge ... Sublimely 311 ... Shear Delight: Gownless neck-hair trim; lumberjack sketch; hands off my instrument; listless blocking/acting ... The Bear, but for...

CHARLES STAR is remanded to WALKING THE DOG (2017) and arguing public-use law via: 

Circuit court bingo (wait for applause) ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE 

Free legal advice! ... Reporters who don't vote ... Best lawed plans ... Pet adoption kickbacks ... Blue-collar and moppet dogs ... Cast Rundown ... Unsolicited AARP discount ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Dog fostering, condos and a nature preserve, mom's secret admirer ... Sporty-to-comfy Mom-Daughter Axis ... Christie's assistant and Peter Benson (Appreciation Station) ... The Ham Clip ... 

Break: "Stand by Your Ham" by Pig Ai...

ANDY LEVY comes out of retirement and needs A CHEERFUL CHRISTMAS with THE CHRISTMAS COACH (2022), all that plus:

Highlights and analysis from Cousin Peter.

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

The New Abnormal, an unserious podcast ... Pink Slime Concentrate Christmas ... Treacly AND bland ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up ... Evading all tension ... Rent snowmaker, get eggnog ... Spot the Angel: A film without God; Colleen should've been dead; charity dad; Joyce, the Alfred ... Charity? Drink! ... The real Santa Claus is an aristocrat ...<...

PAT BLANCHFIELD puts the death drive on autopilot to consider (with) us THE PERFECT PAIRING (2022), plus:

It's no big deal, it's just amnesia!

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Meet Pat Blanchfield! ... CGI soufflé ... Concussed? Take two Sauternes and one nap ... Pat's Brechtian cockfight Hallmark prom night ... Nordstrom piano ... There's a harp ... It's exploitably efficacious! ... Scrambled entertainment ... Cocoa in my T-bird ... Am I responding to this properly? ... Small things with big eyes ...

Break: "Amado Mio," by Pink Martini

P...

We're carbo-loading for a WEDDING EVERY WEEKEND (2020) but we're breaking down on the:

The Smelts-to-Dealts Pipeline … "I'm a sourdough guy" … 

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE 

"Four Weddings and a [Car] Restoration" ... Pure, high-concept Hallmark ... Joel McHale + Weezer = Joel Campbell ... Recalling Episode 019 - The Quotable Gus Van Houten ... Cast Rundown ... Sara Kate fan service ... Signed, Sealed, Delivered Appreciation Station ... Let Geoff Gustafson cook ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Change your businesses; classic quit ... Reverse horn ... Chekhov's rehearsal dinner ... Lost: Husband, storyteller ... Peak Hallmark Qui...

The Daily Beast's ASAWIN SUEBSAENG joins us to observe BUTLERS IN LOVE (2022) and ask:

Did you hear when the butt went "Bwaammp"?

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Violating dibs ... A Desperate Housewives thing ... Go to bed, Ryan Murphy ... Did the nerds hear about this movie?

Break: "Clue, Main Theme" by John Morris

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... Only seven years older ... The Expositional Challenge ... Let's spoilers! ... Plot Mop-Up: Shrek dad, bad-boy legacy butler ... Russian or Scotsman? ... 300...

Writer/activist MAURA QUINT returns for A KISS BEFORE CHRISTMAS (2021), to learn:

Wishmaster-ass Santa Claus ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

A singular Countdown to Christmas Countdown ... Welcome to Nog Chat ... The Jewish BS starts early ... Whoopie Pies, Whippy Dip ... Is nog a prank? ... Christmas is a dare festival ... More nog ... Kefir interlude ... Nog shots ... Christmas at Cartwright's (episode 004) callback ...

Break: "The Nog Song 2.0," by Grant Kirkhope

PART TWO

Cast Rundown ... Joyce Holt! ... Marilu Henner's eidetic...

ZACK HANDLEN of the AV Club (and more) joins us, AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT (2021), to learn:

This is our job, and we're doing our job ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

The Irish BS starts early ... All foreign accents are the same ... Lavish Zack intro ... Defending "Pusher" ... Trusting reviewers ... Angry Walking Dead fans ... Needing an urgency vibe with nuance-disregard chaser ... Hallmark bona fides: mom vibes ... Tenzing Norgay takes you behind the process ... Aiming for fine! ... Horse Whisperer callback ... Leap Year echoes...

WILL LEITCH spikes this show into THE TURKEY BOWL (2019) and gets us community service watching:

The Barry Switzer Showcase ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Not a baking mystery ... It's not it! ... Too many penises and butts within two minutes ... A solid forever runtime ... A tame Old School, a risqué Hallmark ... No darkness or cruelty ... Following Hallmark homecoming plot beats ... More enjoyable than Red Notice ... 1.5x speed ... PENALTY: Inaccurate movie provenance ... Hallmark's increasing indie vibes ... An existential threat to this podcast? ... Metatextually l...

TEASER: Thanksgiving, 2031: A Reckoning

Everyone's not murdered, and nothing is magnetic ...

THEME: "Dead Man's Party," by Oingo Boingo

PART ONE: All Our Troubles Are Gone

Welcome back to Will Leitch ... No plugs ... Vaccinated child blood ... Mask affinity ... Can there be a pandemic off-ramp? ... Torn pandemic bicep ... You just have a bad body now ... Without shared struggle, there is no shared victory ... We can't personally police anybody ... A segregated society ... Disproportionate political minority-opinion representation ... But vaccination won! ... Residual Covid resentment ... Unvaccinated, disconnected cousin ... Most people are disengaged and normal for it ... 

We get looped into a TIMELESS LOVE (2019) and forget our kids to:

Find out what your mom's coffin would be like!

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Flexing some podcast muscles ... Embarrassing personal life statement ... Accidentally watching Candace Cameron movies ... Spousal and child loss is upsetting ... Maudlin/Frothy knob ... Effective sadness ... Convoluted production history ... "Warning: Real life contains tragedy" ... A Hallmark tease diving into weird contradiction ...

Break: "Miss You Most (At Christmastime)," by Mariah Carey

PART TWO

We FOLLOW OUR HEART (2020) to Mountain View, Arkansas and:

It's good to not be entertained ... 

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE 

We're back! We're back! ... Workin' pieless before vacation ... Is this a mystery? ... Malick-inflected TV Amish ... Enough that Pie Would Remark On It ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Staggering failure, lushly plotless ... Trip Report: Mountain View, Arkansas ... The Amish will come, Ray ... 

Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood

PART TWO

This good movie isn't good ... Somber, but made...