The Six Year Old Slut

For 52 years my head was down and I white=knuckled it through life.  I didn't feel like I deserved to engage in life, let alone experience true joy.  Yet, after 12 years of hard work and letting go of toxic relationships, I found myself dancing with true joy in my heart.  Thank you, Miley Cyrus, for telling me that "I can buy myself flower."

Just when you think she's said all the crazy she can, the narcissist pulls it out of her crazy-making hat!  When people say, "Well, she did the best she could," I cry bullshit!   Her uncanny ability to make people question YOUR character as she sits back and laughs is quite disturbing.  My evil stepmother was robbed, twice, and she told the police she thought I did it.  

Knowing where we came from is an essential element of our emotional well-being.  In a world of Ancestry.com and 23&Me, it's easier than ever to find relatives that are living or dead.  And, it's in our DNA  and a pull from our soul, to know our birth story.  If you know your story, that's wonderful, and I'm jealous!  Some of us don't.  I used to think I was adopted because neither biological parent could remember one, single detail about the day I was born.  Unfortunately, this lead to over 50 years of debilitating low self esteem and no sense of valu...

Warning...explicit sexual content.  My emotionally feral brain was so afraid to be alone and to not feel safe that I was willing to do anything.  So, in a very degrading moment, even knowing how devalued I was, I still dropped to my knees and gave him what he wanted.

"She's just looking for attention!"  I hate this phrase!  My father said that after he'd been told I was raped by my boyfriend's coworker.  It was so dismissive and indicated there was something wrong with me.   There were definitely other times I acted out in an effort to get his attention, but this wasn't one of them.  How did we normalize this phrase as being something wrong with the child and not the parent?  I think we should flip the script and normalize this phrase as being indicative of an abusive or neglectful parent.  Stop letting bad parents off the hoo

Has anyone ever said, "well at least you weren't physically abused?"  Were you made to feel as though your emotional abuse wasn't as bad as physical abuse?  I sure was, for over 50 years!  I'm here to tell you that emotional abuse is just as destructive as physical abuse.  If I had a physical scar on the outside of my body that everyone could see for every emotionally abusive episode in my life, I would be covered head to toe in scars.  Perhaps then emotional abuse would be taken more seriously.

Living with a narcissistic parent was emotionally halting and devastating for me.  Narcissism isn't just being vain, it's goes much, much deeper than that.  My evil stepmother's narcissistic emotional abuse literally changed the way I feel about my own thoughts.  This left me emotionally unable to form healthy connections and left me in survival mode for over 50 years.

I've been quitting something on Mondays since I was very young.  First it was quitting inappropriate sexual behavior, then quitting drinking, quitting smoking and quitting caffeine.  Quitting, quitting, quitting...it's exhausting!  I've decided 2023 is going to the year of Starting!  I'm flipping the switch and changing the narrative!  Bring it on 2023!

I just got a tattoo of "Little Rachel," as I call her.  She is the thumbnail of my Podcast.  She is me and I am she.  This was the first physical step to recognizing and honoring her.  In this episode, I talk about the significance of the tattoo and why it is so critical that you and your inner child meet and get to know each other.

My heart sank as I realized what my cousin was saying.  No, we weren't related by blood, but in my mind, he was my cousin.  This is yet another story of my family clearly telling me what they thought my value was, and I carried this shame for over 30 years.