The Six Year Old Slut

For 52 years my head was down and I white=knuckled it through life.  I didn't feel like I deserved to engage in life, let alone experience true joy.  Yet, after 12 years of hard work and letting go of toxic relationships, I found myself dancing with true joy in my heart.  Thank you, Miley Cyrus, for telling me that "I can buy myself flower."

Just when you think she's said all the crazy she can, the narcissist pulls it out of her crazy-making hat!  When people say, "Well, she did the best she could," I cry bullshit!   Her uncanny ability to make people question YOUR character as she sits back and laughs is quite disturbing.  My evil stepmother was robbed, twice, and she told the police she thought I did it.  

Knowing where we came from is an essential element of our emotional well-being.  In a world of Ancestry.com and 23&Me, it's easier than ever to find relatives that are living or dead.  And, it's in our DNA  and a pull from our soul, to know our birth story.  If you know your story, that's wonderful, and I'm jealous!  Some of us don't.  I used to think I was adopted because neither biological parent could remember one, single detail about the day I was born.  Unfortunately, this lead to over 50 years of debilitating low self esteem and no sense of valu...

Warning...explicit sexual content.  My emotionally feral brain was so afraid to be alone and to not feel safe that I was willing to do anything.  So, in a very degrading moment, even knowing how devalued I was, I still dropped to my knees and gave him what he wanted.

"She's just looking for attention!"  I hate this phrase!  My father said that after he'd been told I was raped by my boyfriend's coworker.  It was so dismissive and indicated there was something wrong with me.   There were definitely other times I acted out in an effort to get his attention, but this wasn't one of them.  How did we normalize this phrase as being something wrong with the child and not the parent?  I think we should flip the script and normalize this phrase as being indicative of an abusive or neglectful parent.  Stop letting bad parents off the hoo

Has anyone ever said, "well at least you weren't physically abused?"  Were you made to feel as though your emotional abuse wasn't as bad as physical abuse?  I sure was, for over 50 years!  I'm here to tell you that emotional abuse is just as destructive as physical abuse.  If I had a physical scar on the outside of my body that everyone could see for every emotionally abusive episode in my life, I would be covered head to toe in scars.  Perhaps then emotional abuse would be taken more seriously.

Living with a narcissistic parent was emotionally halting and devastating for me.  Narcissism isn't just being vain, it's goes much, much deeper than that.  My evil stepmother's narcissistic emotional abuse literally changed the way I feel about my own thoughts.  This left me emotionally unable to form healthy connections and left me in survival mode for over 50 years.

I've been quitting something on Mondays since I was very young.  First it was quitting inappropriate sexual behavior, then quitting drinking, quitting smoking and quitting caffeine.  Quitting, quitting, quitting...it's exhausting!  I've decided 2023 is going to the year of Starting!  I'm flipping the switch and changing the narrative!  Bring it on 2023!

I just got a tattoo of "Little Rachel," as I call her.  She is the thumbnail of my Podcast.  She is me and I am she.  This was the first physical step to recognizing and honoring her.  In this episode, I talk about the significance of the tattoo and why it is so critical that you and your inner child meet and get to know each other.

My heart sank as I realized what my cousin was saying.  No, we weren't related by blood, but in my mind, he was my cousin.  This is yet another story of my family clearly telling me what they thought my value was, and I carried this shame for over 30 years.

"Just get over it!"  "Grow up!"  "It wasn't that bad!"  "Why are you so emotional?"  I've' been hearing that my whole life.  I knew to my core that my feelings were valid, I was just surrounded by toxic noise.  The noise is finally gone (mostly) and I hope by telling my story, your noise can be silenced as well.

This is my first Christmas completely without family.  I'll be working hard to keep myself centered emotionally and remember that this is just a stepping stone to true joy and happiness.

Being raised in the ultra family-focused Mormon religion was super confusing to my emotionally feral little brain.  On one hand, church told me that my parent's spiritual salvation MUST include being loving and kind to me.  On the other, we scattered like roaches with the light on when we got home from church.  Ultimately, this contributed to devastatingly low self-esteem and self-worth.

Evil stepmothers family was the only family I knew.  From 4 years old to 16 years old, they were Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt, Uncle and Cousins.  I wasn't especially close with any of them, but Peggy was always kind to me.  My memories surrounding her were of inclusiveness and acceptance.  That is, until evil stepmother took that away in one fell swoop.

In an effort to find peace of mind and possible emotional connections, and to get out of the very emotionally toxic home I was in, I ventured out out to Frontier Days.  Frontier Days, a 10-day, fun filled adventure of rodeos, livestock shows and world renowned musical artists, brings joy to millions of people every year.  In the early 80's, while fun and laughter abounded, I was waking up naked in a strange house with two naked adult men on either side of me.

My evil stepmother wanted to leave him, and us.  To make it even worse, she made us pack her suitcase!  This deeply ingrained experience left me feeling like there must have been something wrong with me to make her want to leave.  Now, after years of healing, in moments that I find myself justifying her behavior or when I try to take on the blame myself, I remember and reflect on this particular event.  This event now reminds me that her emotionally abusive behavior toward me started when I was extremely young.  And, it solidifies in my mind that it wa...

Scattered in between the horrible neglect and abuse were tiny moments that I cherish today.  Shared laughter, creating traditions and just being a family are so critical to feeling accepted and loved.  I'm grateful for these moments that I consider to be small breaks from having to be emotionally feral.

Even being on the upswing of emotional recovery, we will still have days that we are sad and vulnerable.  Guess what?  That's normal, and it's okay!  As the saying goes, life is 20% what happens to you and 80% how you handle that.  Let's stop being emotionally feral and do things differently today!

I really loved him!  And, I really trusted him.  After giving in to relentless hints about how much he would LOVE to have a threesome, I caved.  I wanted him to be happy because I wanted him to stay with me.  We had the threesome and shortly thereafter, I found it.  It was in the top drawer, underneath a pile of boxers, tucked in the far corner.  When I put it in the tape recorder and pressed "Play," I was mortified to hear us all having sex.  He had hidden it under the bed and I was in shock!

This episode is an example of how such tiny events to one person can actually equal to massively important events to someone else.  Salt and Pepper shakers will always signify the death of the hope I had for a relationship with my father.

Were you left to your own devices to navigate through your life emotionally alone?  If so, you were "Emotionally Feral!"  Your emotional life was (and may still be) chaotic, uncultivated and wild, and I'm here to tell you it wasn't your fault! 

You read that correctly.  My mother slept with my best friend, even after I asked her not to.  Worse than actually catching them in the act was the way my family responded.  Rather than rallying beside me and telling the evil stepmother that she'd crossed a line, they told ME I was being unrealistic.  They were adults and should be able to do whatever they wanted.