My Humanity Is Showing

21 Episodes

By: Amjed

Ever struggled with fear, depression, anger, or any other emotional pain (maybe even as recently as a few minutes ago)? I have. Actually, I still do. My Humanity is Showing is the story of how I navigate a life of imperfection and find hope by embracing my humanity, surrounding myself with caring people, and being vulnerable. This podcast is for broken humans like me who are looking for hope beyond the clouds. My prayer is that you find something in my shares that is not of me but rather through me.

I don’t want to burn out
Last Sunday at 12:00 PM

In this episode, I share about the importance of keeping some laughter in my life.

My perspectometer is broken!

“I’d like some fresh, clear, well seasoned perspective.” - Anton Ego from Ratatouille. In this episode, I discuss a concept I recently stumbled upon that I find helpful to remind me to always check the stories that I assign to the world and myself.

Till my time comes, can I keep smiling?

After a frightening flight (may have been mild for those without a fear of flying) and some experiences around aging family this past week, I share in this episode about mortality, aging, the elderly.

Trigger warnings: suicide, flying, elder care

But for Grace, I don’t judge me

Judgment is used by those who have been given authority to assign value to things. For example, a building inspector has the training and authority to determine if construction meets or doesn’t meet the standards. Assigning value without authority is a form of insane pride. In this episode, I explore this topic further.

Trigger warnings: depression, suicide

Tell me about the good old days

In this episode, I share some reflections about the impact nostalgia has on my personality. In many ways, I am a collection of my memories.

I am so sorry - but why?

I have a hard time seeing myself as a valuable person who is allowed to ask for assistance from others. My tendency is to start requests with “I am so sorry to bother you…” or add “I am high maintenance…” I many ways I am addicted to shame.

Today, I seek to show myself some respect and ask for what I need without succumbing to my shame.

Which team am I rooting for? - Super Bowl episode

With Super Bowl LVII coming up, several people are asking me, “Which team are you rooting for: Chiefs or Eagles?” In this episode, I share my experiences with football and other competitive team sports. 

I do not like flying

I am not a fan of flying! Everything from airports to plane exhaust bothers me. Most of all, I hate not being in the cockpit flying the plane. I have a strong need to be in control. In this episode, I reflect on my journey from unchecked control to the freedom that comes from release.

Part 2: Do I know a God? (Religion vs Spirituality)

In this week’s episode, we continue where we left off last week with the rest of the recording from the live session on the Wisdom app.

In my teens, I became committed to religion. This was the start of a long journey of seeking perfection on faith. Through my own personal struggles, I was led to a break from religion while I strived to “meet” God. Today, my religious practice is nowhere as tightly constructed as it once was; however, I have been fortunate to grow along spiritual lines. This episode is Part 2 of a two part e...

Part 1: Do I know a God? (Religion vs Spirituality)

In my teens, I became committed to religion. This was the start of a long journey of seeking perfection on faith. Through my own personal struggles, I was led to a break from religion while I strived to “meet” God. Today, my religious practice is nowhere as tightly constructed as it once was; however, I have been fortunate to grow along spiritual lines. This episode is Part 1 of a two part exploration of the topic.

Note- The opening reading is from pg 83 of the book Walking on Water by Anthony De Mello.

Trigger warnings: depression, suici...

I won’t live forever

“Sweet Dreams are made of this…” I stumbled upon this famous song at the end of the episode and it reminded me of the famous sililoquy about suicidal ideation “To be or not to be, that is the question,” in which Hamlet asks himself about life after death and “what dreams may come?” In this episode, I touch on the topic of mortality and my reluctance to get medical care from providers I don’t know. 

Trigger warning: cancer, death, dental care, oral surgery

Our cultures can bring us closer

With the start of a new year on the Gregorian Calendar, I shared my experiences with another calendar (Hijri). This opened up a discussion on various holidays, customs, traditions, languages, and cultures and how these can be divisive or binding depending on how I choose to view them. The random message of this episode was rather interesting and brought an additional discussion about viewing the world through the loving eyes of a child. Note: this episode is longer than usual due to how excited I got talking about cultures.

Trigger warning: depression, suicide

Oh no, I feel left out

I have always struggled with a tremendous fear of missing out (FOMO). In particular, holidays and vacations create a feeling in me of being abandoned. Over time, I have learned to support the positive voice inside me that presents me with a more realistic picture of what’s happening as opposed to the negative self-view voice.

Trigger warning: depression, suicide

I got the Sunday night blues

It seems that Sunday evenings are often heavy for me as I mentally prepare to face the week. In this episode, I explore the narratives that may be fueling my discontent with the start of the work week.

Trigger warning: depression, suicide

Can I let go?

I live under the illusion of control. I have often believed that any success I have experienced in my life is the direct result of how hard I have tried to control the outcomes. In recent years, I have come to believe that the more I can let go (insert Disney song here), the better things tend to turn out.

Trigger warning: depression, suicide

What’s your name… again?

Lately I have been struggling with what seems to be increasing memory issues: forgetting names, what I was doing, making mistakes, etc… This tempts me to shame myself and want to indulge self-loathing. I refuse to believe that I am a bad person because I have a very human memory. As with previous episodes, I do not plan or script the content. Instead, I ask for the share and allow it to flow through me. It’s scary for sure. In this episode, I realized I started to talk about certain experiences and then got redirected elsewhere. Listeners may not...

It’s my choice

When I was in college, I had a pretty dark view of life. I often quoted Hamlet  (Shakespeare’s play about a suicidal Danish prince) and wished for death. One of the most common phrases I frequently said was: "life sucks, and then you die!" In those days, I chose to feed the darkness inside myself by constantly reinforcing the negative perspective.

Today, I choose to focus on the positive. I am definitely not 100% at this, but my life is incredibly better. In this episode, I share some stories and quotes that helped shape my current view on...

Oops, was that me?

Part of being human means that in certain situations I have no control over my body (and mind). Then why do I try so hard to hide my humanity? Does pretending to be an android somehow make me more likable? What am I so afraid will happen if someone finds out I’m human? Why am I quick to judge others when their humanity shows?

I had chosen a different topic for today, and then something happened a couple of minutes into the recording that caused the entire episode to shift to another topic. Looks like the or...

Why can’t I focus?

Since I can remember, I have had trouble focusing. My brain is often completely scattered, and thoughts seem to pop around in my head like little fleas. This inability to focus has caused great pain to those closest to me. In this episode, I reflect on some of those experiences and am grateful for a relatively healthier response to a recent incident.

In the first half of this episode, I share a couple of challenges related to recording this incredibly vulnerable podcast. Aside from the fear of being known for the real me, I have also been...

Look me in the eye

Why is it so hard for me to maintain eye contact? Am I afraid of intimacy (into me, you see)? I can’t even seem to maintain eye contact with myself. 

In this week’s episode, I reflect on the topic of eye contact and moving past feelings of inadequacy and shame. Despite my fear of rejection, I invite you to look me in the eye.

PS - after recording this episode I learned that there’s a song titled “Into me you see” by Katy Perry. I am interested to listen and possibly share on it in a...

I finally did it!

Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday, dear me! Happy 50th birthday to me!

A tremendous amount of fear has been bypassed. Despite all the voices of shame and self-doubt, I am publishing this episode. Welcome to the very first episode of my podcast. In this episode, I share my experience with a very embarrassing recent situation at the store and more importantly my hope for this podcast.

There is no editing here. No re-recording. The raw me is exposed, and it’s terrifying. But that’s okay. Here, "my humanity is show...