Friendship IRL: Real Talk About Friendship, Community, and What It Actually Takes

Divorce is one of those life moments where everyone has an opinion, a reaction, or a face they make when they’re told – which is, much of the time, not very helpful. 

… So what IS helpful? That’s what today’s guest, Oona Metz, is here to talk about. 

Oona is a licensed independent clinical social worker, a certified group psychotherapist with 30 years of experience supporting women through some of life's hardest transitions, and the author of Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women.

In this conversation, we cover it all: the grief, shame, and s...

Have you ever tried to make a new friend and felt like you were stalling out between the “acquaintance” and “friend” stages? 

Maybe this person was on the edge of your life for months, and yet, nothing ever changed: you saw each other in the same places, you kept having the same conversations. How do you get to that point where they feel like a friend?

Some people assume if a friendship isn’t progressing, it’s not meant to be. But I’d argue part of the reason is there’s not enough nuance (or language!) for...

Here you are, leaving that friendship hangout frustrated again. 

You swear you’ll tackle the issue at the next meet-up, but then, time goes by. You’ve pushed the problem aside. Until it happens again. And again. Suddenly, this little issue has become a major one.

Today’s guest is Colette Jane Fehr, a therapist, TEDX speaker, and author of the Amazon bestselling book, The Cost of Quiet. Her work is rooted in couples therapy, but don’t press pause! Every single skill she teaches transfers directly to friendships.

If you have ever swallowed...

Bad vibes. Frenemy. Fake friend. Toxic friendship.

We have an entire vocabulary for when friendships aren’t working, but I think certain words and phrases often oversimplify friendship issues – and ultimately end up costing us something very real.

In this episode, I talk in particular about the word toxic: its history, how it’s morphed in modern friendship culture, and questions to ask yourself to identify issues in friendships instead of just labeling somebody toxic. 

Let me be clear: this episode is not about tolerating bad behavior. This is about what happens when we reac...

To me, writing a friendship manual for neurodivergent people seems kind of mind-bending. How do you encapsulate the beauty and diversity of ALL our brains in one book? 

And yet, today’s guest, Caroline Maguire, has done just that. Caroline is an expert in social-emotional learning and ADHD coaching, the author of Friendship Skills for Neurodivergent Adults (which I HIGHLY recommend!); and host of the ADHD Social Playbook Podcast.

For my neurodivergent listeners: I hope this episode reframes how you approach friendships. And for my neurotypical friends: it never hurts to understand what your friends mig...

Does talking about one person to another make you a bad friend?

For quite some time, I’ve been considering the role of gossip in friendship. I’ve reflected on my own patterns and beliefs, and I’ve thought hard about where I’ve pushed the boundaries. 

My goal in this episode is to get to the root of gossip and the role it plays in relationships. I dive into some research about the history of gossip and include some guidelines I use in my personal life.

I don't think you need to feel guil...

For years, Erin Snow was a trauma-informed legal advocate for domestic violence, sexual assault, and stalking survivors, so she understands well the cost of having nowhere safe to say what’s true. 

When she got divorced, she felt isolated and without a support system, even among people she thought were friends. She’d been so busy being everyone else’s “person” that she never let anyone be hers. 

So, she created the kind of space she was seeking. She founded the Unmuted Room, a judgement-free confidential listening space built on the premise that being heard is not a lux...

Fitting social gatherings into busy lives often isn’t easy, but let me remind you of their value:

One of the longest studies on human connection found that adults who went to social gatherings regularly reported reduced levels of depression and better life satisfaction.

The good news? You don’t have to wait for life to ease up or to get invited to see your people; you can start creating recurring friend gatherings right now, which is what I’m talking about in today’s episode.

Not only will these gatherings help you keep up...

Have you ever felt like you have nobody to call, and wondered: how did I get here? Where are my people?

Maybe you’d been focusing on your career and lost touch with your friends. Maybe a big life transition has made you feel the friendships you used to have were tied to a version of you that no longer exists.

I’ve been there. I feel your pain, and I wish I could give you a big hug. But as somebody who’s been in this situation before, I can also tell you this: you mi...

Like it or not, AI is becoming part of our world in countless capacities – including navigating friendships. 

Today’s guest is Connor Joyce, a senior user researcher on the Microsoft Copilot team who has been working in the AI space for five years. He has integrated AI into almost every aspect of his life, including friendships. 

To some of you, this might seem intense, and I get it. But I challenge you to stay curious and listen to the intentionality behind Connor’s use of AI, because what he’s doing isn’t that different from what ma...

Ever feel both happy and also … a little jealous when a friend shares good news?

I experienced this dichotomy the other night, when my friend shared a success. I found myself performing enthusiasm while dealing with conflicted emotions; I wanted that kind of success, too. Did this make me a bad friend for feeling something other than pure joy for her?

In this episode I talk about jealousy in friendship: how it happens, for all things big and small; the different ways it might manifest; and how acknowledging it can shift your friendship culture in a...

While brainstorming episode ideas, I sometimes search Google Analytics to see what people are asking. Here’s what I found this week: How do I ask someone to hang out without making it weird?

Turns out, millions of people are feeling anxious about asking someone to join them for coffee! (What do I say? What if they think I’m weird? What if they say no?)

Today, we end that cycle. I’ll talk you through how to ask someone to hang out: what to say, how to handle rejection, why it feels hard.

Embr...

She used to call herself the shy, awkward kid with one best friend. Now she calls community her superpower.

Last year, Alison Kinsey decided to run an experiment: invite 10 interesting people to coffee in one year. The result? New friendships and a complete shift in how she sees herself.

And you’d never guess it was a cross-country move to California that encouraged her to become an initiator. From afar, I’ve seen Alison start networking groups, go on blind double dates, host low-effort gatherings, and get deeply involved in her local community.

Alis...

This is the second installment in a two-part series about group chat anxiety.

If having a massive group chat text chain stresses you out, then I’m going to let you in on a secret: it’s because you CARE about your friendships. But with these chains, we’re also sometimes pouring this caring into the wrong place.

In this episode, I talk about auditing these group chats and determining what’s working and what’s draining. How can we use them, not as a primary source of connection, but as a tool to move toward con...

Have you ever picked up your phone and discovered a hundred unread text messages?

Likely you’re at the tail end of a group chat, and it kind of feels like walking into a party two hours late. You want to respond but wonder: will people be annoyed at you for backtracking? Maybe you even feel resentful for being added to this chat without consent. 

Group chats can sometimes feel like you’re operating with one arm behind your back – but if you suffer group chat anxiety, I think it’s important to remember that it’s beca...

When Michelle Valiukenas lost her daughter Colette after being born at 24 weeks, the grief was devastating – and this grief had real effects on her friendships, both good and bad.

In today’s episode, Michelle and I talk about the evolution of relationships through all of life’s ups and downs and the value of showing up imperfectly.

Shortly after recording, my own friends lost their son in the NICU, and I felt uncertain how to go about sharing this episode; I decided to release it because my friend told me these kinds of stories provide her co...

One reason I do this work is I believe all humans deserve to feel safe – but for a lot of us, that’s not a reality right now. 

Across the country, from Minneapolis to Maine, people, including children, are being kidnapped from their homes under the guise of immigration crackdown. 

So today’s episode is about leveraging connection as a form of resistance to protect our neighbors. What can you offer, and how do you present yourself as a safe person?

You might think the action ideas in this episode are too small. But resi...

Ever feel like, all of a sudden, you have TOO many friendships to juggle?

I know – this sounds like the most privileged problem ever! But truly, it’s a common experience, and I think the reason some of us get burnt out is because we feel we need to show up for each person in the same way. 

My thoughts? Some friends are lifelines; others add color to your life. Both types matter. But you don’t have to show up the same way for everyone. 

Whether you’re feeling stretched thin by your growi...

Have I made it sound like it’s easy to keep friendships strong and resilient?

If so, let me set the record straight: making changes in friendships, even if they’re for the better, is HARD. A lot of the time, it involves uncomfortable conversations, confrontation, and hard feelings. It’s so tempting to push problems aside to keep relations “peaceful.”

I think there’s an expectation to put in work for romantic and familial relationships, but how much work should we be doing for friendships? At what point is it not worth the effort? 

Here’s m...

Imagine you’re fresh out of college and just moved back to your hometown. Suddenly, making plans with your friends feels hard.

Instead of meeting them in the apartment next door or in the dining hall, you’re texting back and forth, trying to get together – but much of the time, it doesn’t pan out, or it’s just not the same. This story is a reality for so many people, including today’s guest.

Jason Edmonds is a Seattle resident who decided to make his own solution: Six Degrees, an event-based social experience that matches...

I sobbed in the car about the holidays this week – but not for reasons you might think.

Here’s what made me emotional: I am so grateful and excited for the ways we are celebrating our holidays this year. It could not be further from the reasons I’ve car sobbed in years past.

Some of you are already excited about the holidays, and I love that for you. But that is not everyone’s experience, and for years, it was not mine. There was a period in my 20s when my partner Michael literally called m...

If you’re somebody who dreads going to a party, then this episode is for you.

Sometimes the couch feels more appealing than going out into the world and socializing, and I get it. Attending a gathering takes energy. Sometimes it feels awkward. But gatherings can also make us feel inspired and supported and invigorated.

Today I offer an approach that will help you take charge of your guest experience with three simple questions. You can ask yourself these questions before you leave, while you’re driving, or even on your way inside. It’s that e...

Raise your hand if you’ve ever walked away from an interaction and thought, gosh, I was so awkward! They’ll never want to talk to me again.

If this is you, you’re not alone, and honestly, it probably wasn’t as bad as you think; we’re often harder on ourselves than other people are on us. When it comes to connections, there’s a name for this underestimation of how much others actually enjoy interacting with us.

The Liking Gap is a social phenomenon that I discuss in-depth in Episode 41, and today, I want to ta...

Let's talk about the Martha Stewart trap so many of us have fallen into.

You decide you’re going to get everyone together to see your new place. But then you start thinking you need to deep clean everything; you need more seating, more cutlery, and you need to cook a nice meal. Eventually you start wondering: when did hosting get so expensive?

I’m here to tell you it doesn’t have to be. Today’s episode will reframe a few things for you, but the biggest one is about the difference between entertaining, which I’...

I’ve never been a big drinker. In my early twenties, I remember having to stand up for myself to be included during drinking games, even though I was drinking water.

But at a recent gathering we hosted, I realized there were actually MORE non-drinkers than drinkers present. Making non-alcoholic options (and non-alcoholic activities) a normal part of our get-togethers has certainly been an evolution, and I’m grateful for it.

There are lots of reasons people don’t drink. Maybe it’s due to health reasons or childhood trauma regarding alcohol; maybe they’re in recover...

Ninety-four percent of people have experienced more than one friendship break-up.

Let that sink in. Nearly EVERYONE listening has been through this heartbreak multiple times – and yet, we barely even talk about it as a society! 

This statistic comes from a survey conducted by today’s guest, Meenadchi, a somatic healing practitioner, communications expert, author of Decolonization Non-Violent Communication, and TEDx Talk presenter about her own friendship break-up.

This is a conversation about the losses we don't have scripts for and why that makes the healing so much harder. We share deeply about our o...

There is a message I keep getting in my DMs, and it breaks my heart every single time. 

It’s too late for me to make friends. I’m too old. I’ve messed up. I missed the boat.

I get why people feel this way. Societel messages lead us to believe there is a point in our lives when, if we don’t have the community connections we want, then we will never have them.

But if you’re on the shore, watching your boat cruise away, I want to share with you a littl...

Lots of people tell me they want couple friendships – you know, those picture-perfect foursomes you see in movies, where everybody gets along effortlessly.

Here’s the truth: couple friendships are complex! Why? Because you’re not just making friends couple-to-couple. You’re actually building FOUR SEPARATE FRIENDSHIPS at the same time. 

My husband and I have lots of couple friendships – probably more than 20 – and they range from old friends to new friends, close friends to casual friends. Some we might have over for dinner, some we travel and spend holidays with.

This episode covers the re...

Calling someone you haven’t spoken to in two years isn’t weird; it’s just being human.

Today’s guest is Jacob Marquez, also known as J. Henry, a Seattle-based tech entrepreneur and musical artist whose approach to relationships challenges a lot of conventional friendship wisdom.

Jacob is the founder of Seattle’s Best Brunch, bringing creatives together to collaborate and spotlight each other’s work, and he’s developing an app that helps people nurture their relationships. 

What drew me to Jacob wasn’t what he was building but how he approaches connec...

Cheer your friends on for hanging out with each other … even if it’s without you!

It might sound like counterintuitive friendship advice. But the truth is, when my friends have rich, full social lives, I actually benefit more than anyone. 

In this episode, I’m going to share some stories where I have either encouraged my friends to make other friends or actually cheered them on for hanging out without me. 

My friend who’s moved away and whose baby was in the NICU? I want her to have other mom friends! I want her...

Imagine you’re an expat in Berlin in the early 2000s, with no smartphones, no social media, and barely any internet. You walk down the street and spot someone wearing a T-shirt made by a friend from your past life in Baltimore. Do you approach them? 

Well, that’s what today’s guest Amy Stafford did – and this moment led her to being part of the Lucky Trimmer, one of the most beloved dance festivals in Europe.

Amy isn’t even a dancer; she found her way into the community that builds this festival by offering wh...

One of the best things about being part of a group – whether a book club, neighborhood, friend group, or formal community – is feeling like you belong to something.

But that feeling isn’t always instant; sometimes, if you’re new, you might wonder, at what point do I actually fit in? That’s what we’re talking about in today’s episode: what belonging to a group actually feels like vs. what we think it should feel like. 

I want to reframe how we think about belonging. A lot of us might think it’s all-or-nothing, b...

Lately I’ve been hearing about how the price of community is inconvenience.

You know what I’m talking about: those posts about how, if you want a village, you have to be a villager. You have to give the rides, buy the gifts, and drop off the meals. But I think these messages focusing on inconvenience are missing the point.

Yesterday, I was at a baby shower for a friend who has wanted to be a mom for so long that I could cry thinking about how excited I am for her. Sure, buying pres...

When putting yourself out there, rejection is inevitable. But here’s a reframe you might need to hear: YOU are not being rejected. It’s only your OFFER that is being rejected.

Tanesha Moody was, at one point, drowning in rejection from every direction, from job applications to dating apps to her own friendships. Instead of retreating, she got curious and discovered the transformative power of separating rejection from yourself. 

Today, Tanesha is a speaker, writer, and founder of Full Out Coaching, and she’s got amazing insight about how this simple reframe can impact how you...

Have you ever felt like everyone but you received some kind of friend-making manual?

Today’s guest, Lee Hopkins, is a social connections and business culture coach and CEO of Patterns of Possibility – but his journey to this work started with his own decades-long struggle. 

In this episode, Lee shares about navigating friendship after recently learning that he has autism, and how this revelation has impacted his relationships with friends, family, and ultimately, his way of life. 

Lee says what’s made all the difference for him in this journey of self-discovery has been bou...

It happens to all of us: you leave an interaction and realize the conversation was all about the other person. They didn’t ask a thing about you. 

Today’s episode is about feeling ignored in conversations with friends. In these situations, it’s easy to play the blame game, but the truth is, we are all responsible for our half of the connection.

What do you say when a friend asks how you’re doing? Do you say “good” or “fine?” Or do you give an honest answer? How hard do we expect friends to work to extrac...

Sometimes to feel closer to our friends there’s this pressure to share our most vulnerable feelings or unearth some deep, dark secret. 

But what if I told you there are more ways to feel connected to our friends that are actually simpler, easier, and more common? That in fact, there are DOZENS of ways we’re trying to open up to each other, but because they’re not “big” shares, they’re often overlooked?

I believe we are all missing out on small moments of connection with our friends, and in this episode...

Your village is out there, waiting for you. It might even be knocking on your door, and you haven’t realized. 

People often think they need to make enormous shifts to find community; they need to move to a tiny village on the other side of the world or into a compound in the woods. But that’s not true. Here’s what you actually need: subtle shifts and a willingness to be uncomfortable. 

So many people talk about how they want a village, and yet, I see them rejecting the small changes they need to make...

This whole podcast was only a dream a couple years ago, and here we are now with 100 episodes. Thank you for being here, for listening, and for sharing these conversations with your friends.

In this episode, I share some life updates and talk intensely about the Wheel of Connection (view this visual diagram!), which is a foundational concept to my work. I give an overview about each of the categories, and at the end of the episode, I talk about how to do a basic Wheel of Connection audit. 

You deserve Level 10 support, and hopefully t...

About three years ago, many of my friends moved away within a six month period.

While I was excited for these friends, I also grieved; my friends are my main support system, my family. How would I keep these friendships alive? I invested a lot of energy into thinking about it, through which I developed what I’m tentatively calling the “Your People” framework.

The best way to think about this framework is to imagine a tree. Trees start as seeds, and then you provide them with nutrients and soil. Over time, trees grow roots. Some r...