Can't Get Any Worse Podcast

Another week, another collection of questionable life decisions.

This week we're talking surprise pubic hair encounters on dates, a migraine that turned into a shoulder injury, and a woman who apparently owns a public car park because she's standing next to it. Bailey gets some good news after a cancer scare, Westy potentially scores himself a Kobe Bryant grail card, and Christmas has officially taken over the household before November has even had a chance to settle in.

I also head down to Haze Hepi's new Hard 2 Kill gym, have a minor social...

Swalloween, a kid punching blueberries into the concrete, and a five-year-old asking questions about dinosaurs that nearly break my brain. Just another week on Can’t Get Any Worse.

This week, I try to work out why vegetarian dinosaurs went extinct, completely butcher a first impression with a new builder, and head to Coffs Harbour for a comedy gig that turns into a fucking wildlife horror movie. There’s a mystery chicken foot in my creatine, a dead magpie in a public toilet, and a dead bat waiting for me outside. Beautiful town, though.

I...

This week I’m breaking down UFC 333, and we’ve got a massive one for the Aussies! Volk is back defending his featherweight title against undefeated Movsar Evloev, with Petr Yan and Merab Dvalishvili settling their rivalry in a huge bantamweight title fight.

I go through every fight on the card, give my picks, look for those juicy underdogs, and bring back the “Can’t Bet Any Worse” multi. This week we’re backing Volk, Merab and our boy Lone’er Kavanagh, a $8.95 multi at the time of recording. Could be genius, could be another absolute disaster. 😂

Another week, another collection of reasons to question why I leave the house.

This week on Can’t Get Any Worse, I'm nearly bankrupted by vet bills, get absolutely violated by a couple of magpies while trying to get fit, and make a noise in a packed men's sauna that may have permanently changed the lives of six innocent blokes.

We've got a KFC employee who refuses to let me finish a sentence, a manual ute trying to break my shinbone, my son's new basketball coach delivering a speech like she's preparing him fo...

Another week of Can’t Get Any Worse proving that apparently, yes, it fucking can.

This week we've got a $1,300 seatbelt fine, a trip to the skate park where my son's apparently become the helmet police, and a soccer day that turned into a full-blown sporting commitment I absolutely wasn't prepared for. Add in a questionable encounter at Woolies, a woman who forgot she'd ordered fish and chips, and some of the most cooked internet clips I've seen in a while.

I'll also get into the latest comedy gigs, a potential coaching touch fo...

This week I accidentally took a week off from the podcast and discovered something terrifying… I might actually enjoy having a normal life.

We get into the burnout, nearly quitting comedy, driving 45 minutes to a gig just to buy dog food and go home, then somehow getting one of the biggest comedy highs I’ve had in months at an open mic.

Plus: retiring from running comedy rooms, making a spreadsheet for my fucking life, trying to become feral again, taking the kids to Bunnings instead of owning a pool, the absolute sexual expe...

This week on Can’t Get Any Worse…

I discover that I’m apparently not qualified to operate a lift, my five-year-old casually tells me he broke a heap of pencils, and a bloke at the corner shop somehow turns buying a loaf of bread into a full-blown social interaction.

There’s also a surprisingly emotional review of the Woolloongabba KFC, a charity basketball game that was supposedly “friendly” until $1,000 got involved, and an update on my ongoing mission to somehow get myself into Podcast Royale.

Plus Turns Out It Can Get Wors...

This week I’m getting into all the chaos around UFC 331, starting with Brian Ortega pulling out and Australia’s Tom Nolan stepping up to fight Renato Moicano in a five-round main event. Given I’ve actually met the bloke at the airport, I’m obviously claiming this one as my own personal UFC storyline. 😂

Tom Aspinall has officially vacated the heavyweight title, UFC 332 is getting absolutely fucking roasted, Salahdine Parnasse just made a statement in his UFC debut, and I’m starting to think the DWCS boys might be the best dogs in MMA.

Then I...

This week on Can’t Get Any Worse… it somehow gets worse.

I get absolutely fucking tortured by Sean Roberts at IBC Performance Centre, nearly have to fight a crackhead stealing toolboxes outside my gym, and let my five-year-old turn my head into what can only be described as a freshly delivered newborn.

We’ve also got a python at work, a magpie trying to take my fucking eyeball, Nikita’s voice-to-text road rage, a bloke wearing gloves to put petrol in his Hilux, and somehow a stranger complimenting my squat in a pub toil...

This week on Can’t Get Any Worse, Jimmy discovers his nine-year-old has figured out how to cheat at basketball, gets absolutely roasted by a retired school teacher over his pencil grip, and watches his wife launch the car keys onto the roof despite once being a state-level softball player.

There’s also belly button fluff, strangers shaking bathroom water all over the place, an elderly woman accidentally recruiting Jimmy as unpaid bakery staff, a dog being left with the responsibility of not eating chocolate cake, and the realisation that Westy might understand the family’s financ...

This week on Can’t Get Any Worse, Westy invites me to sit with him and his mates at his school sports carnival, which is a genuinely wholesome moment until his mate casually reveals he bashed a kid in the school toilets… shortly after I’ve spent $80 buying them lunch.

Nikita’s car saga continues, I accidentally get trapped in an Uber with an 80-year-old man who apparently needed to tell me his entire life story, and I discover that the food beepers at Area 51 are somehow the most infuriating piece of technology ever created.

Pl...

This week was an absolute shitshow, starting with a Sunday podcast because Westy somehow made it to districts, a Minion skin that may or may not feel like a vibrator egg, and Parker deciding he wants to eat raw salmon despite surviving almost exclusively on chicken nuggets and Vegemite.

Then there’s the dad at footy training who nearly decapitated the parents with an AFL ball, my spectacular attempt at school drop off humour when the police came to visit, and the absolute clusterfuck that was trying to pick up Nikita’s car from the repairers.

For episode 250, Ash, Adrian and myself jumped back on the mics for the first time in ages, zero structure, zero plan, just pure nonsense and catching up like the good old days.

We laughed, we derailed every conversation possible, and somewhere along the way we officially decided that whenever the three of us get together… we are now known as The Creamy Boys.

A chaotic milestone episode with the original lineup that kicked this whole thing off. Enjoy.

Don’t forget to share the pod with a mate and send thro...

This week on Can’t Get Any Worse, Jimmy discovers that his name apparently determines his sexuality, Parker comes home from school with a racism scandal that turns out to be about a baby doll, and Jimmy witnesses something at a school sports carnival that no parent should ever have to see.

There’s also a terrifying late-night encounter with Nikita, Jimmy finally discovers Apple CarPlay like it’s been invented specifically for him, Westy learns exactly how to push Dad’s buttons, and Jimmy considers whether he should voluntarily embark on a three-year foreskin restoration experime...

This week I’m breaking down the entire UFC 330 card, from the early prelims right through to the main event, with every fight, every pick, the Aussie odds and a few juicy underdogs that could absolutely ruin your multi.

Islam Makhachev looks to keep his insane winning streak alive against Ian Machado Garry, Mackenzie Dern puts her strawweight title on the line against Gillian Robertson, and we’ve got plenty of violence underneath them, including Edson Barboza, Jalin Turner, Joel Alvarez and Mansur Abdul-Malik.

Outside the Octagon, I’m getting into all the latest...

This week on Can’t Get Any Worse, things somehow manage to get worse… again.

I’m back at the hospital with a prolapsed arsehole, spiralling about my career, questioning whether I need to escape cabinet making, losing comedy gigs, and discovering that TRT has apparently decided I need to grow enough back hair to qualify as wildlife.

We’ve also got a 1cm splinter underneath my fingernail, Parker confusing the word LOOK for 100K, Westy accidentally convincing his basketball teammates that a cat attacked his face, and Parker discovering golf, before immediately abandoni...

The comedy rollercoaster continues this week... one minute I'm bombing so hard I'm discussing a bloke's Toyota Corolla instead of telling jokes, the next I'm absolutely ripping the roof off Good Chat and remembering why I put myself through this punishment.

The ATO nearly gave me a heart attack, Westy has officially discovered gambling thanks to scratchies, and both of my boys somehow managed to break my heart by refusing to even step onto a jiu-jitsu mat.

Plus, I drink a bartender's hand juice, witness the creepiest ASMR video ever made, review Netflix's...

This week Parker proves once again that he's either an absolute genius or he's going to end up running a Fortune 500 company... because he's already figured out how to game the school system.

I also thought I was about to be murdered at 4am, only to discover I was being stalked by a basketball, Westy receives the greatest compliment a basketball dad can hear, and Parker has officially decided he wants to start jiu-jitsu... so Queensland's six-year-olds have been put on notice.

Elsewhere, a six-leg UFC multi finally pays for my long-overdue car...

This week we also dive into the biggest lies we were told as kids (seriously... where are all these people offering free drugs?), why I spent an afternoon mentally preparing to fight a crackhead at the park, and how buying NBA 2K has almost dragged me back into a full-blown PlayStation addiction.

In comedy, Shane Gillis makes history by selling out a stadium, the Tom Segura & Christina P divorce rumours have broken the internet, and I somehow ended up getting a professional clapping lesson.

Plus, an IBC recap, Netflix recommendations, and another collection...

This week Parker is back with another all time brain buster with him wanting to buy an animal penis.

I also tell the boys about the completely normal 90s parenting techniques that involved wooden spoons, belts and soap in your mouth, our neighbour accidentally hijacks our Bluetooth speaker, I survive what felt like a real-life Final Destination moment behind a ute towing a swimming pool, celebrate our very first sale for Westpark Collectables, and nearly get taken out by the most aggressive possum Brisbane has ever produced.

Plus I hit a couple more...

This week I’m breaking down the entire UFC 329 card from the early prelims right through to the main event. Conor McGregor is back against Max Holloway, Paddy Pimblett takes on Benoît Saint Denis, Robert Whittaker makes the move to light heavyweight, and we run through every fight with the odds, predictions, underdogs, and the latest "Can’t Bet Any Worse" multi.

I’m also ripping into all the biggest stories in MMA this week, including the the White House card, Ilia Topuria breaking his silence after his loss to Justin Gaethje, the latest Conor headlin...

This week the internet proves once again that there is no rock bottom with another edition of Turns Out It Can Get Worse, featuring a woman with the most confusing definition of cheating ever, a bloke who's somehow turned being on fire into foreplay, and a bloke devastated that a Woodstock giveaway... doesn't actually give away bourbon.

Back in the real world, Parker asks one of the greatest philosophical questions of all time: "Can deaf people hear if I scream in their ear?" We spend a night in Coolangatta wondering why there are more massage parlours...

This week on the podcast we're covering everything from Toy Story 5 nearly making me cry in front of my father-in-law, to Westy discovering that everyone is apparently born on their birthday. We also launched our new family trading card business, I explain why my son thinks gardeners aren't real tradies, and I tell the story of the most inspirational comedian in Australia who lost his job and decided to ride a pushbike around the country doing stand-up.

In comedy, it's back to the trenches with tiny open mic rooms, testing brand-new material and remembering why I...

This week on the podcast, school holidays are in full swing, the front yard is finally (almost) finished, and I'm officially retiring from being a builder before another DIY project destroys my knees.

We dive into the local corner shop worker who's somehow become my therapist, the awkward moment I mistook a workmate's family member for an Uber Eats driver, and our first high school tour for Westy, which quickly turned into one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life.

There's also a trip to a snow day event where I got...

This week I discover that trusting a nine-year-old with greyhound tips is apparently NOT a viable retirement strategy, Westy wraps up basketball season by scoring nearly every point for his team, and I somehow suffer a potentially career-ending injury while taking a free throw.

We also dive into a bizarre crypto scam, my weekend from hell laying pavers, Nikita informing me that TRT has turned my head into the moon, and another collection of internet weirdos that prove once again... it can always get worse.

In comedy, I perform to a crowd of...

This week we're breaking down the most ridiculous card Dana White has ever put together, UFC Freedom 250 live from the White House.

We've got Ilia Topuria defending the lightweight title against Justin Gaethje, Alex Pereira chasing history against Ciryl Gane for interim heavyweight gold, Sean O'Malley looking to get back on track, Michael Chandler trying to stop the Mauricio Ruffy hype train, and Derrick Lewis doing Derrick Lewis things against undefeated prospect Josh Hokit.

We're also talking the White House lawsuit trying to shut the event down, Joe Rogan questioning whether fighting outdoors...

This week on the pod, Westy receives a school award and rewards my support by asking me what the hell I'm doing there, I discover some parents genuinely believe their kids don't swear, and I nearly amputate my pinky finger in a brutal battle with a wheelie bin.

Parker turns six, our family proves once again that nobody knows how to navigate without me, and Nanny buys Westy a pair of basketball shoes so fancy they come with their own backstory, accessories and possibly a mortgage.

Plus a full TRT update after my...

This week the boys survived sports carnival day, Westy started collecting silver medals like he's preparing for an Olympic sponsorship deal, and Westy somehow proved he's smarter than both me and ChatGPT during a homework meltdown.

We also dive into the school photo disaster that turned into a full-scale hostage negotiation, a listener sends the boys an unreal collection of trading cards, and Parker delivers one of the greatest non-sequitur lines in podcast history: "Dad, I know how to read."

On the comedy front, Lemak's gets cursed yet again, 10 Toes Brewery delivers an...

This week on the pod: a crackhead thanks me for funding his KFC and Woodstock addiction, another sponsor jumps on board, and Parker has somehow become obsessed with baseball overnight.

We also dive into the terrifying experience of walking through a shopping centre carrying a baseball bat, why physio sessions feel like prison for gym addicts, getting financially assassinated at the school uniform shop, and how TRT has apparently turned me into a permanently shirtless suburban dad.

Comedy-wise, we finally got a new joke to work at Mitzi’s… only to immediately bomb with...

This week on Can't Get Any Worse Podcast:

Steph Curry accidentally turns me into a basketball genius, Westy gets traumatised over fake Lego mini-figs, my new Crocs may have saved my life, and the fake Tech Deck curse from my childhood returns in devastating fashion.

Plus:

This week the internet somehow gets worse with mayonnaise men, worm mothers and mysterious body hair trimmings, Parker gets absolutely prison jacked off a Kmart pull-up bar, learner drivers invade our street, and I attempt to turn ashtray coins into sports card millions.

We also hit David Fleay Wildlife Park for Mother’s Day, talk podcast sponsors and monetisation, the Podcast Royale announcement, a huge return to the Orion Hotel comedy room, and one of the best UFC weeks we’ve had in years with Strickland, Pereira, Topuria and absolute chaos at the White House press...

This week I’m breaking down UFC 328 from top to bottom, every fight from the early prelims to the main event, all the odds, all the picks, and a bunch of underdogs that could either make us rich or ruin our lives.

We’ve got Khamzat Chimaev defending the belt against Sean Strickland in a proper bad-blood main event, Taira vs Van for the flyweight strap, and some sneaky bangers scattered all through the card that the casuals are already writing off.

As always, we’ve got the “Can’t Bet Any Worse” multi, a few...

This episode we’re back again pretending everything’s fine with a bit more honesty than I probably should be putting on the internet. From getting emotionally folded by my own kid telling me I’m “never around”, to nearly catching a case at kindy pickup thanks to a rogue toddler, it’s been a week.

We get into:

Back after a rough one last week, and yeah, we’re picking up right where things started to fall apart.

From getting stitched up by a bartender over two Fantas, to accidentally discovering a new addiction flipping UFC cards, to watching my kid bleed out like a WWE main event over a paper cut… it’s been one of those weeks.

Comedy wise, we go from a rough set that had me questioning everything, to a proper bounce back that reminded me why I’m still doing this in the first place.

Al...

WORST EPISODE EVER - This one didn’t go to plan.

Started off strong talking about the usual chaos, kids roasting me in public, getting stitched up in carparks, and witnessing the strangest things the internet has to offer… but somewhere along the way the wheels just fell off.

Had to stop, reset, and try again more than once, and you can feel it. From career-ending ringtone moments to MRI panic attacks and parenting fails, it’s all there… just held together by threads.

Not the cleanest episode, but probably one of t...

This week kicks off with the most cursed internet creation yet, moanboxing, before we dive into street kids running corporate team-building exercises, a doctor who’s a little too comfortable telling me my body’s cooked, and a gym bloke discovering new… methods of training that absolutely no one asked for.

There’s awkward tradie encounters where no one speaks the same language (literally), a full transformation into a mower mechanic, and the realisation that fixing household appliances is somehow hotter than stand-up comedy.

On the comedy side, it’s a weird one, n...

This week I’m breaking down the absolute chaos that is UFC 327, a card that’s been reshuffled about 10 times, lost a title fight, and somehow still ended up with Jiri vs Ulberg for the belt.

We run through every fight from the early prelims to the main event, including Suarez vs Loopy, Gastelum vs Luque, and a bunch of sneaky bangers that could easily steal the show.

On top of that, Dana White’s come out saying he’s no longer in charge of booking fights, Pereira’s blown the division up chasing he...

This week kicks off with a bloke casually chewing crayons like it’s a 15-part Netflix series and somehow only on part 16… then spirals into April Fools chaos involving fake bike accidents, AI-generated dire wolves, and almost traumatising both kids before breakfast.

There’s servo workers testing my patience (again), a wholesome firefighter moment that nearly restored my faith in humanity, and me lining up at a needle exchange feeling like a full-blown junkie… only to get knocked back while the crackheads breeze through VIP.

We’ve got a sex-related knee injury that...

We kick things off with one of the most cursed clips on the internet, a bloke attempting a world record involving a degloved cheese stick, and somehow it only gets worse from there. From Westy's first school camp (where I spiralled and he thrived), to celebrating a tablet like it’s a UFC title win, to a servo worker turning a simple milk run into a full-blown EFTPOS mind game… this week is chaos.

There’s the worst proposal you’ll ever hear (yes, “skadoosh” is involved), ongoing battles with appliances draining my bank account’s will to live...

Quick one this week because your boy is mentally fried… but it still manages to spiral.

We kick things off with another “Turns Out It Can Get Worse” clip featuring a chaotic babysitter who looks like she shouldn’t be trusted with a mop, let alone a child. From there, Westy cops his first war-crime level Bunnings toilet experience, I catch a sparky watching me piss from the top of a ladder (confirming everything I’ve ever said), and Parker goes full possessed iPad kid screaming “NOTHING BEATS A JET2 HOLIDAY” inside a travel agent. We also break dow...