If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes

13 Episodes
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By: If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed. Get bonus content on Patreon Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Education City and Niki Grayson Birthday Special
#12
Last Friday at 8:00 AM

It's Niki's bappy!! To celebrate, the gang returns to their ancestral birthplace, Education City, Qatar, for a regal symposium focusing on such diverse topics as procedural television shows, holographic airport women, the World Cup, DILF-era Bill Goldberg, Niki's ongoing malpractice issues, streaming from the airport, the latest Official Enemy of the Show declaration, and baby, even more.


Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a ti...


Ask Your Dickensian Girlfriend Anything!
#11
11/25/2022

It's Black Friday here in the ol' US of A, and to mark this bleak occasion the Niki, LB and John discuss a wide range of unrelated topics, including Niki's new obsession with "miniature airplanes," digging a hole with Joe Biden, what days they have in Japan, the time a guy hit John in the face with his own cane, buying porn at the airport, how to start conversations with girl, how to start conversations with guy, and my sweet summer child, even more.


Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating...


Palm Desert Boguscon
#10
11/18/2022

Niki, LB and John reconvene to navigate another week's worth of life's treacherous roadways, including who the next wave of biopics will focus on, starting a Patreon for the United States Armed Forces, LB's Xbox account, Jay Jay the Jet Plane, our Lord Jesus Christ, a show called "Mr. Bogus" that John watched as a kid, the importance of heating a pastry, and I swear to God, even more.


Support merritt's book!!


Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world...


Twitter Memorial Special
#9
11/11/2022

John, LB and Niki gather here today to pay tribute to one of the best/worst websites of all time, Twitter dot com, which is dead now. The gang also discusses where we should all go next, the best-ever day on Twitter, everyone's favorite tweets, a scam to become land owners in Scotland, "man's unpaid obligation to hardworking bees," the Criagslist forum dedicated to haiku, and I swear to God, even more.


Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— an...


Prenatal Pasta Sauce
#8
11/04/2022

This week LB, Niki and John advise opening your third eye (while keeping your first two closed, of course), and also discuss other important topics facing today's Sleepy Americans™, including if the primordial soup was the original wassail, why we've never seen a dracula with an eyepatch, the pervert's place in the community, oranges from Australia, Tumblr's new content guidelines, podracing, and somehow, even more.


Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB — and our producer Jordo — try to find meanin...


Trailer
10/28/2022

This is If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a comedy podcast that we think you'll love. In this trailer (which is not sponsored by McDonald's) we talk about McDonald's, Carl Weathers, John getting fired, and somehow, even more.


Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed...


The Royal You
#7
10/28/2022

Niki, LB and John are back and sleepier than ever, with John a little loopy from his vaccine cocktail and Niki more in need of medical attention than ever. Meanwhile, the gang shows off their knowledge of Scandinavian geography, LB and Niki compare sleep study results, John details his trip to the vaccine clinic, LB orders McDonald's live (not sponsored), and somehow, even more.


Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and...


The Monster Times
#6
10/21/2022

Happy spooky season, Drivers! LB finally gets the scary episode they've wanted out of John and Niki, who discuss election fraud (not like that), the Lord Jesus, Vanilla Ice's birthday, LB's fear of rats, salt guns, Rambo facts, John's undying love for Tom Cruise, and his fear of what might happen if he doesn't close the garage door in time.


Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twel...


Alexa, I’m Ready To Whac Off
#5
10/14/2022

Niki, LB and John perform a dark ritual to summon their first special guest, merritt k (twitter.com/merrittk), after which Niki has a "mayonnaise question," John tells a story about an attempted murder he survived as a child, we all chill with our homie Eduardo and merritt describes an escalating cavalcade of jpegs from the Hammacher Schlemmer website.


Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subj...


The Hopping At Picnic Time
#4
10/07/2022

In this episode: the fishing cheating controversy, Niki's new plan for electoral democracy, LB's new plan for healthcare, and more. We made a lot of claims about Colton Burpo and chess on this episode so we're sorry if we said anything that was wrong. Please let us know if you can get us a line on John Cena's rates for sack racing assistance.


Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clar...


The Ass Punt
#3
10/07/2022

HONK HONK! In this episode, Producer Jordo guides our hosts into a strange and fascinating world. A tiny world, a 1/24 scale world. Of truckers. JPEG-description fans rejoice and settle in for nearly a full hour of audio imagery. Also: Mad Libs, the bachelorette section, and literacy.


Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man...


PP Loan
#2
10/07/2022

What would the shared mind palace of our hosts look like? A mall, that's what. In this one, our three intrepid travelers decide what would go in their shared mental mall. How big is the Cheesecake Factory? How many pianos are there? Also: What is a "Rick Caruso podcast indulgence"? How would you spend PP Loan? What are you doing at the BDub3's? How many incorrect facts does LB say about their own religion? Listen and find out.


Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder...


The Double Punch
#1
10/07/2022

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as Snoopy tucking you into bed.


What happen if you reboot Wheel today? On the first ever episode of If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, hosts Niki, LB, and John talk about Spindrift, Mount Vernon, and the best car ever made.


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