If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes

John, LB and Niki set aside their shared turkey sandwich long enough to digest a whole new buffet of controversial topics, including humidity in the city of New Orleans, what languages the owl knows, Gambit's custom turtleneck guy, items left behind on planes, the best place to get locally-grown tobacco in America, LB's growing concerns about Lyme disease, going to the doctor to reallocate your points, and my festive holiday shoppers, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki...

With LB gone to perform important research aboard a haunted submersible, honorary fourth chair merritt k rejoins John and Niki to discuss a number of pressing topics, including crustacean-themed pornography; Bicentennial Man, various Brads (famous), the oldest thing(s) we would drink, "chicken of the forest" mushrooms, Todd Howard fanfic, and implausibly, so much more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from...

LB, Niki and John hit the paint and field a volley of incoming three-pointer discussion topics [Editor's note: idk basketball sorry], including Niki's theme song phase, the small lanky white men of 70s basketball, being big enough to survive being hit by Shaq, the very small group of people who write slash fiction about basketball players, Michael Jordan's Neverland, and I promise if you just hang in there, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and ou...

John, LB and Niki square off in the quartered octagon or w/e for a no holds barred showdown with colossal consequences, which is mostly just the same sort of lively discussion you've come to know and tolerate, including such topics as the Invisible Man, latex allergies, AI-generated salsa websites, experiencing true darkness in the bowels of the Earth, Niki Dip™, the delicious flavors you can get out of wood, and incredibly, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Ni...

Niki, John and LB leave the Digital World long enough to dissect a new slate of issues facings today's DigiDestined, including sneeze gooning; the unique allure of certain digivolutions; if anyone thinks the body is "made out of metal;" mutants; the latest basketball shirts; how Benjamin Button came out of the pussy; and if you can believe it, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or t...

LB, Niki and John return to discuss a great number of the "many cool ideas out there," including lemonade mouth, Thelema, snowman fucking logistics, dogs hanging out with ghosts and vice versa, mpreg, Jenny Lewis, and despite the short description this week, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dres...

While attempting to buy steroids, John, Niki and LB uncover a new kind of crime enabled by Jeff's Big Store. The gang also discusses New Zealand's JPEG license plates, LB's usual Taco Bell order, which TV shows dogs like, velvet paintings, how people feel too safe on the streets these days, what's on the menu at your local A&W, and homie, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find mean...

LB, Niki and John head back to debate club to relitigate an important argument regarding the Property Brothers and their dicks, in addition to more general discussions regarding our general cultural fear of having our dick pop out during a video call, who lays the best/worst pipe; recycling pool noodles for Halloween costumes; costumes for husbands who are not "down;" President Biden's ACAB dogs; and homie, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our pr...

Despite ongoing technical and psychological issues, Niki, LB and John push through the podcasting morass to deliver what is undoubtedly one of the podcast episodes of all time, including discussions of Svengoolie; Niki's wooden dog (not Barley); what happens if you bring anime figures to the Antiques Roadshow; what counts as an orb; the latest Taylor Swift psyop; the top three most famous people in America as of Q2 2023; and because Jordan forced them to keep going, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and...

LB, John and Niki celebrate one whole year of the show by completely ignoring the milestone, instead focusing on getting the bubonic plague, getting the new vaccy, getting Big Bad Beetlepilled, getting the rats out of LB's car, getting a limb cut off in the Star Wars universe, getting breast implants in high-school, getting a low score on The IQ Test 2, and king, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find...

John presents Niki and LB with his new plan for monetizing the podcast before topics diverge to other tangential matters, including the dangers of gambling, the idea of a verbal coupon code, the Sealab 2021 theme song, Dildo 101, whether Cathy (comics) and Daria (television) are the same, Niki's groundbreaking new Roku competitor, and by the grace of God, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twel...

50 episodes, baby!! To celebrate our big milestone Niki, John and LB do exactly the same thing as always and discuss multiple issues facing today's Sleepy Americans, including (but not limited to) the major design flaw with couches, putting their hands in garbage disposals, getting the dog washed, overhearing conversations about astrology and the societal disorder said conversations represent, LB's new headband, and somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find mean...

Niki, LB and John reconvene for more of what you have unfortunately come to expect, including discussions on the most relaxing types of crimes; LB's floofy new dragon; everyone's favorite cancelled musical artist; getting a boner during the atomic bomb movie; corn and corn-related topics; stealing sperm; and dude, you have no idea, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time...

Niki returns from The Land Down Under with a boatload of jpegs and an Oceanic tale for each, regaling LB and merritt with stories of room temperature eggs; what cereal is called over there; the secret history of Melbourne; what President Bill Clinton had two of; regional gummy worm differences; the latest kpop drama; the upsetting mascot of Luna Park Sydney; and mate, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find...

merritt (normal), John (phoning in) and LB (normal) update us all on "the Neuticles situation," in addition to a wide variety of other pressing topics, including (but not limited to) what Yoda would order at Dairy Queen; the simultaneous invention of Dennis the Menace; what the name of our show is; sippin' cream; the worst things we would name a baby; living the mummy lifestyle, and homeslice, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our pr...

John, merritt and LB waste no time getting to the gooey nougat center of this week's episode, kicking things off with merritt's Big Reveal™ and maintaining that momentum through discussions on whether crack is "cool;" spending time viewing an image; the "bow wow theory;" LB's fun new special interest; being beloved by many people and subjected to many infirmities; tiktoks about packing children into rooms; some late-breaking news at the end; and homie, if you can believe it, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, an...

On this week's episode LB, merritt and John spend way more time talking about dog testicles than anyone would like, in addition to a number of somehow more palatable topics including all the boat words we know; which boats are "dick boats;" a guy LB met on the street this morning; the source of the wolfman problem; running into Trent Reznor somewhere; the secret gas station candy; toilet drones; and my sweet summer child, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our...

It's time once again for IYDCYE's Annual Yaoi Quiz, where local Yaoi PhD LB Hunktears pits returning champion John Warren against maverick upstart merritt k, in a no-holds-barred battle where the only thing bigger than the stakes are the hands! During the quiz, our panel digests such yaoi-adjacent topics as John's secret ponytail, an IRA but for boning, which big titty MILF is also part of the Egyptian pantheon, LB's 20 Golden Tags, John's sweet new little puppy dog, and friends, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the...

Longtime friend of the show merritt k joins LB, Niki and John to investigate a number of controversial topics affecting today's Sleepy Americans, including the mystery of how whiskey is made, society's propensity to charge the "wrong crimes," the number of raptors in New York City, how wild the concept of a postcard is, who Howie Mandel is to you and me, new condom shapes, and at one point Niki draws the most deranged-looking horse anyone has ever seen within the totality of extant time.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about...

LB, Niki and John celebrate Bastille Day by discussing Jackie Chan's White Grandpa (American), the life and times of Napoleon, the most dangerous alley in Los Angeles, building a gondola to Dodger's Stadium, cooking on a moving bus, who has the best assess in sports, hitting the pole vaulting pole with your penis bulge on the way over, designing a new and more rewarding kind of heroin, and my sweet little garden gnome, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying...

Niki, LB and John are back to tackle some big, big problems facing modern-day Americans, including the drafting of several brand-new constitutional amendments, how an update of the United States Constitution is physically performed, small bubble wrap vs. large bubble wrap, adding sexual encounters as a tracked statistic in the NBA, what the "coolest move" in the Bible was, Jesus' teen years, rolling up to the Gamestop with some scrolls, and my child, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying...

You've waited an entire year and it's finally time -- Smooth Week is back. Join John, Niki and LB for a deep dive on the true meaning behind Santana's 1999 latin alt rock classic, featuring complex lyrical analysis, contextualized historical research, comparisons between "Smooth" and other important pieces of art (the Mona Lisa, all of Chinese history), a debate on which season is "for fucking," LB's story about getting bitten by a stranger at the Chipotle, and my muñequita, even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, a...

Welcome to If You’re Gaming, Close Your Eyes, an esports discussion salon where our hosts LB, John and Niki tackle the latest announcements out of Nintendo, along with our review of Grimace's cum; thoughts on the movies Crash and Crash; whether Nic Cage is Italian or not; how familiar fame works; opinions about Goemon (Ganbare ver.); which Pokemon we would smoke; and bb, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to fin...

Gimmick Month continues with The 2023 Corrections & Apologies Episode, wherein John, Niki and LB set the record straight on a number of falsehoods and misinformations they perpetrated over the course of the last year (rolling). Gonna be honest, some of these apologies aren't as sincere as I would have probably recommended, but when you make as few mistakes as these hosts do, you gotta take what you can get.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try...

Gimmick Month is here!! To kick things off Niki has invented a brand new game called White, White, White, or White, which seeks to determine which of our two white hosts -- LB and John -- is the whitest of the white! What is their relationship to boats? Can either of them name the primary cast of Sex and the City? Has anyone in their respective families ever owned a pickup truck? Find out!!

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki...

LB, John and Niki engage in a new series of investigations and queries, including where nasal spray goes, sinus voyeurism, 3D-printing teeth, buying a house via fraud, a free logo that you can buy for $5 for your foots business, the lamp they want you to put your dick in, how many holes there are, a "smart" dental dam, and homie, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clar...

John, LB and Niki take off their weighted training clothes and reach conversational power levels heretofore only theorized during discussions of the new Gollum game, simple machines, whether the sun is "wet," Michael Strahan’s Million Hundred Dollar Pyramid, the new duck in New York, and my sweet, innocent listeners, so much more than you could possibly be ready for.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve...

John, Niki and LB phone in from their field assignments for another mission debriefing with headquarters, including a breakdown of John's latest public wheelchair-related incident, a spoiler-free minute on the new Zelda game, a look at the poster for some new movie about shoes, a discussion on whether blimps count as balloons, a brief consideration of when to tell your dog about Orson Scott Card, and homeslice, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our pr...

Niki, John and LB enter a vast and unknowable dreamscape of possibility, wherein they discuss The Good Doctor, creating jobs in the state of Ohio, how much water ChatGPT uses, dreaming about having an egg in your mouth, ancient dream dictionaries from the 1930s, TikTok cutting board misinformation, and homie, so much more that I am purposefully omitting so as to not spoil the punchline(s).

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find...

Fresh off the court, LB, Niki and John dribble through our most basketballsome episode yet, featuring discussions on when large boy catch ball with big hand, which of us LeBron would like the most, why microwaving a cucumber "feels violent," where to find the sickest burn surgeons, thinking up new, more respectful nicknames for Anthony Davis, watching the Mario movie on Twitter, and after the halftime performance, even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jo...

LB, Niki and John shard on the barble in the bable chamber. There's also a prolonged segment about playing with knives on-air and Jokering the Scrub Daddy, but nobody gets hurt so don't get stressed while listening okay? It's fine. LB has a degree from Knife University so they know what they're doing.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu...

Fresh from the wilds of real life, Niki, LB and John settle in for a rousing discussion of their recent exploits and related topics, including Niki's Grandma's bappy, John's trip to a vile confederate steakhouse/Bass Pro Shop, whether a pyramid is harder to exit than a normal building, that food quiz going around, Christ's involvement in motorsports, eating fish from the LA river, and my darling, even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jo...

As LB, John and Niki settle in for this season's surgery draft, they also discuss Carrot Top's "buff days," hats that make you look like you had a facelift, modern developments in oral hygiene, the concept of "medical jurisdiction," being the world's leading engineer of things of this nature, defrauding the elderly, stickers on garbage trucks, potentially haunted bananas, and my lil chickadee, so much more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find...

Special guest Colette Arrand joins Niki, LB and John for our most vascular episode yet, discussing last weekend's Wrestlemania event and related issues, including which muscles are the "straight man" ones, Vince's new mustache, the dark secret hidden within the theme from Cheers, how Mario would fair in the UFC, LB's Pixar body count, multiple bad cruise options, and brother, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clar...

LB, Niki and John reconvene for one of their furriest recording sessions to date, wherein they discuss performing wrestling moves on dogs, the events of All Dogs Go to Heaven 2, sexy birds, Niki's exciting new tech/multimedia conference, self-driving microphones, what a think tank is/does, an important thought experiment about cranking it, and if you can believe it, even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or t...

Niki, LB and John reconvene to discuss another week's worth of pressing issues, including everyone's fun new lies, Tom Hanks' filmography, houseboats, what constitutes a "boat movie," LB's great Rick & Morty impressions, changes for a Survivor reboot, Jessica Rabbit, IRL Tommy Pickles, 9/11, and somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man...

John, Niki, LB and Texas John gather for their regularly scheduled discussion salon, this week featuring such diverse topics as an XFL game that Niki watched, going to 7-Eleven, how many of those gold boys GDT has, edible arrangements, the creepy porno guy, The Office from TV, and I know this description is shorter than usual but trust me sweetheart, even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one...

Niki, LB and John set a new record for "time until talking about both Shrek and cum" on this week's episode, which also includes discussions of Kitty Softpaws, whether "animals in shoes" is an inherently perverse concept, LB's Megan Traynor theory [Editor's note: I refuse to look up how to spell her name, sorry], whether every movie is a sequel to every previous movie, Niki's sandwich saga, Driveycon travel logistics, and somehow my love, even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying...

Home from his trip to LA, John reunites with Niki and LB to settle some unfinished business from his vacation, including the volume of phone numbers within arm's reach at all times, buying a patio set at Cost Plus World Market, Kenny Loggins' voice acting career, a new rule for the podcast, motorized unicycles for white people, genuine takes re: The Grammy Awards, LB's on-air attempt at buying BTS Suga concert tickets, and sweet-cheeks, even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying...

John, LB and Niki actually did the damn thing and recorded an episode inside the Cheesecake Factory at The Grove in Los Angeles, California.

NOTE FROM LB: "IT'S BEEN OVER 5 HOURS SINCE WE LEFT THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY AND I STILL HAVE HEARTBURN. DON'T DO WHAT I DO. LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES."

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the...