If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes

Niki, John and merritt break bread over a number of meaningful topics affecting today's Sleepy Americans, including "the old ways," musical appliances, real tangible manifest ramifications for your performance here, keeping your eye on the foot, a number of sports mascots, and folks? Somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan a...

John, merritt and Niki reconvene for a fresh round of industry analysis and insight, covering such diverse topics as Fraiser, Mad About You, "fuck-ass Westerns," fluffy toilet lid covers, those 52 plastic-coated little guys, secrets for a successful gambling trip, what you can do with $120, and folks? Somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with...

merritt surprises John and Niki with not just a game to play on a mainline episode, but a Canadian game about Canada and its wonderful(?) culture.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.

Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social

With John aboard the International Space Station, merritt and Niki make do by discussing fly fishing penis etiquette, the World Games, "cracking open a warm one," MSNBC's new name, the pre-Gumball era, famous ibexes, and folks? Somehow, against all odds, even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max...

John, merritt and Niki once again attempt to solve the world's most pressing issues, which this week include the cryo lab they have at the zoo, post-war surfing, cow valves, British people singing, the vast potential enabled by time travel, and folks? Somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and...

With Gimmick Month behind us, and with everyone's ensuing physical and emotional wounds mostly healed, merritt, John and Niki get back to basics with a good ol' fashioned episode of the podcast. What does that mean, exactly? It means talking about slicing burgers like pizza. It means inventing new kinds of state-based restaurant systems. It means investigating the seedy underbelly of competitive eating. It means watching Mr. Beast, and somehow, so much more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of...

Gimmick Month crashes into its shocking and climactic conclusion, as Niki runs merritt and John through a gauntlet of challenges designed to determine just who on this show is the whitest.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.

Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app...

Gimmick Month continues somehow, with our three heroes navigating Candy Week to the absolute best of their abilities. Perils awaiting them include (but are not limited to) beef tallow Reese's Cups, "the one that most looks like a turd," carbonic acid, the chocolate bar that makes you gay, something called "bridge mixture," and somehow, even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John...

If you thought Gimmick Month wasn't going to last the whole month, well, that's not a very reasonable assumption! We named it that on purpose! Anyway this week's gimmick is plagiarism.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.

Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app...

Gimmick Month continues with Niki's most devious and unpredictable challenge yet: Quiz Week. Do you know as much about the world as you think you do?

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson, merritt k and John Warren, and produced by Jordan Mallory, with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz.

Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social

It's July somewhere, and that means it's finally time for Gimmick Month!! Niki has graciously taken point on engineering this year's gimmicks, starting off the 2025 season with PBS Week, which, of course, must include discussion of Little Richard, Fetch with Ruff Ruffman, video games on the roadshow, when you go "to see a thing and one of the people doesn't say anything," and folks? Somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics...

Longtime best-friend and founding cast member LB Hunktears returns for a special episode full of surprises and adventure, as John, Niki and merritt walk LB through everything they've missed over the last few weeks, including Niki's plan to "do We Are the World again," Bane JNCOs, Frankenstein, the Spaceballs sequel, the latest issue of that AARP magazine Niki gets in the mail for some reason, jelqing, and dude, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five...

John's back from having major reconstructive surgery, so to celebrate Niki and merritt throw him a big welcome home party with all of John's favorite things, including the show Sister Wives, "the autistic character in League of Legends," merritt's new straight jacket, Frank Thomas' Fuck Pills, doing gear, coming up with new rules for America's Favorite Pastime, and somehow, even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki...

merritt, John and Niki bring a very important topic to the forefront of their weekly discussions: Who is behind the conspiracy destroying this podcast? To get to the bottom of it, the gang investigates a number of related mysteries, including the ET and Mario Kart rides at Universal Studios, "he has big teeth and he's everywhere," merritt's new Wii, and homie, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time...

So the bad news this week is that John was in an honest-to-God car accident and has a broken ankle, but the good news is that merritt is joining the show fulltime! These incidents are unrelated and nobody should look into them. :) Otherwise the gang workshops some new ways to incentivize young voters, while also handling John's irrational fear of windows, shoot playing Roblox, and folks, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six...

John, merritt and Niki crack open a cold tallboy of TRUTH and slurp down a flight of intoxicating discussion topics, including (but not limited to) a failed clone of Machine Gun Kelly, the average number of marriages on this show, getting Jason Bourned as "something to do," Pac-Man's cavernous maw, a Chuck E. Cheese fire in Chicago, and honestly, so much that I've purposefully left out because it was way too funny to spoil here.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling...

John, Niki and merritt take a break from their quickly unraveling lives [Editor's note: They're fine, I'm just trying to spice things up a little] to discuss a growing number of deep interpersonal concerns, including the physical cost of teleporting, our plans for the rapidly approaching Gimmick Month, deciding to look at a real dead body live on air, vertical smiles (and not the kind you'd think), and my friend, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of...

In addition to being on From the World of John Wick: Ballerina watch, Niki, merritt and John are also keeping an eye on several other developing situations, including Amy Poehler's podcasting career, everyone's favorite Rugrats, putting a bath over your bath, whether Jamba Juice still exists, Law & Order's latest murder, the Billboard Top 100, the most racist thing merritt's ever done, the Wheel, and homie, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics...

With Niki and merritt installed as America's new Gas Czar(s), John struggles to adapt to the new normal of gasoline freestyle machines. Meanwhile, the group is also enlisted to solve a number of scientific quandaries, including whether Sandman from comics (not that one) cums sand, why you should respect the superhuman abilities of Ariel from The Little Mermaid trilogy, what to make of a special jpeg from Jordan, and somehow, even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of...

It's the first day of merrit's extended speaking engagement at Drivey's Ed, and to celebrate she briefs John and Niki on a number of pressing topics that she hopes to cover during her stay, including her upcoming stint as Prime Minster of Canada, the specifics of that gorilla question that's going around, Niki's weekend at the country music festival, cows the size of NERDS® Candy, and pardner, somehow even more.

Music by Jordan Mallory. Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).

Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

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LB, Niki and John. You know them, you love them, and one of them was forced to do crowd work as a child, but you'll have to listen to find out which. We also learn about a certain someone's shameful gas buying habits ("Don't tell anyone I top off!"), the secret truth about escape rooms, a Sailor Scout you've never heard of, value-added fungus, and somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try...

LB, Niki and John, placed on this Earth to perform one task, must continue their great effort by first dealing with LB's overstretched plantar, the existence of the "chicken jockey" and what effect saying the phrase "chicken jockey" to one's parents might have, the music they're playing our children in PE class, if Ghost Adventures is real, the return of Scam Text Theater, and homies, so much more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try...

It's time once again for LB, John and Niki to do their usual thang and solve all of the world's problems in just over an hour. This week, our heroes discuss batteries, different ways of making oats, the Burger King's relationship with Ronald McDonald, writing in cursive, why they not have ketchup in glass bottle anymore, hooking up your new chair, penis music, and as expected, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jo...

Back in the saddle and blasting indiscriminately, John, Niki and LB gather their various dogs for a ruff-riding romp through a number of discussion topics, which include (but are not limited to) the mural at Johnny Rockets, the Quibi guy, watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit while standing outside of a FUBU, British people and their historical chants, The Rock and how he "ruins things," and despite our best efforts, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— an...

Niki, John and LB chew the fat -- the HORSE fat, that is!!! -- in this wacky new installment of our madcap program. I don't know how you guys LISTEN to this stuff!! XD Not only does LB debut a brand-new segment, but this episode also touches on some really wild and unpredictable nonsense, like the correlation between sandwich length and disease severity, Reddit's secret "third measurement," dogs with prehensile tails, whether lying to your doctor "counts" or not, and Onii-chan? Somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating...

With Niki trapped aboard the San Francisco Space Station, local hero Charles Harte steps in to "fill the void" and help LB and John answer some of the biggest questions facing today's Sleepy Americans, including if anyone has ever fucked The Big Apple Coaster at New York-New York Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas, how hot farts are, the biggest poop ever recorded, contracting Hantavirus, whether the bathroom attendant knows if this building is haunted, and folks? Somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder...

This week John, Niki and LB, in a show of unity and strength against mounting opposition forces, take scam dog food makers to task for making scam dog foods. They also launch a radical new campaign designed to end conversations they don't want to participate in; usher in a new age of cyber skeletons for those in need; put a stop to the miserable toil of "doing stuff," and a number of other policy goals.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world...

LB, Niki, John, Jack and Dianne all convene at the local Tastee-Freez to suck on some chili dogs and talk shop, which this week includes John's trade to the Lakers, Niki's new state of being, Steve's last iPod, interchangeable company names, pivoting to PETA, The Wiggles™, trying to meet Wolfgang Puck in 2025, and honestly dude, so much more that I don't want to spoil it.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meanin...

John, LB and Niki peruse the menu of life and choose a number of appetizing topics to sate their hunger for discussion, including LB's new towels, hanging out with BTS, another installment of Scam Text Theater, the complete plot of The Substance (so spoiler warning obvs), if Aaron Sorkin wrote Dawson's Creek, our definitive ranking of the Barenaked Ladies, more drug physics, and y'all? Somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to f...

Niki, LB and John waste no time this week, immediately casting aside pretense and delving straight into a number of pertinent and pressing topics, including "what if Tylenol goes woke," two new kinds of hyper-localized lottery, the specific kind of Weird™ that people get about celebrities like Natalie Portman and Milana Vayntrub, the details of our upcoming Super Bowl commercial, the return of Scam Text Theater (!!), secrets of the human tooth, and yes, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying wo...

It's Valentine's Day (when we're recording, at least), so obviously LB, Niki and John have to talk about hallway shoes, the "prison walrus trap," an upsetting development concerning LB's enormous glass of iced water, Chucky, the ongoing popularity of Furby-brand toys, dating a ghost, animal genetics and, as a special treat, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the...

John, LB (congratulations LB!) and Niki strap on their ballerina fetish heels and dance around a number of pressing topics, including if the ear is a hole, household expiration dates, denim jeans, LB's new fruit, how hard it may or may not be to "change red to blue, in genetics," counting your apples before they hatch, the inevitable Paul brothers turn to Christianity, and y'all? Somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try...

Each suffering from their own unique set of cosmic ailments, and yet somehow still undeterred from their podcasting duties, Niki, John and LB crack open a cold one and talk turkey (or rather, chickens) for their weekly get-together, which you're all invited to! Topics of discussion during this salon include (but are not limited to) building a tower to get around Los Angeles zoning regulations, the plot of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (sort of), the fuckin' pizza that's cold with no cheese on it, Will Smith's latest single, and thankfully, somehow even more.

Welcome...

John, Niki and LB, who are all doing great right now, attempt to harness some of their ongoing good fortune and use it to solve the world's problems, which include (but are not limited to): Recognizing currency denominations by feel, depositing hundreds of thousands of dollars into a drive-through ATM, the current state of CityWalk at Universal Studios, listening to the radio in 2025, necessary overhauls to the pharmaceutical industry, dog mysteries, and my darlings, somehow even more.

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LB and Niki, now back home after temporary displacement by the fires in Los Angeles, are joined by local best friend John to catch up on everything they missed in the interim, including the real purpose behind John Cena's jorts, LB's new chair problem, old-timey boobs, Niki's experience at a local video games exposition, how blinking is kissing for your eyelids, an extended segment where we just look at reddit for a while, huge spoilers for the film Nope and the medical drama House, and homies, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your...

It's our first episode of 2025 and things are already off to an uproarious start, with Niki, LB and John locked in for what may be our funniest episode yet of 2025! In addition to everyone's New Year's Resolutions™, the gang also spend a lot of time talking about Miller High Life, the lore behind Grey's Anatomy (hospital show ver.), the best and worst beers according to a website Niki made when they were eight months old, the Dog War, and hot damn y'all, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about na...

It's the final episode of 2024! To celebrate the holidays and ring in the New Year, LB, Niki and John drink deeply from their cups of nog and first question who actually killed JFK, before turning to even more festive topics such as the ongoing construction on Niki's house, remaking Schindler's List, Texas Ellen, piss pants rights, LB's Xanga posts, why there aren't any new Christmas songs, where France is located, VH1 Divas, and like a sparkling gift from ol' Saint Nick, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating...

John, Niki and LB HUNKTEARS WHO IS ON THIS PODCAST embrace the holiday spirit by discussing LB's fun new allergy to Christmas trees, the stockings their in-laws sent over, Niki's new beef with friend of the show Michael Higham, John's made-up list of "traditional things" that go in a stocking, Bob Dylan, lip balm you can eat, whether Mrs. Claus is sexually active on the same level as Mr. Claus, and folks, somehow even more.

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Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast...

This podcast, which routinely features LB HUNKTEARS, also has John Warren and Niki Grayson, who this week discuss the following topics: Using a saw to paint a house, Niki's driving habits, cocaine, jungle laboratories, Larry King's relationship with Nancy Reagan, regularly scheduled steroids talk, best sex pheromones for men attract hot women, and somehow even more. LB HUNKTEARS LB HUNKTEARS LB HUNKTEARS LB HUNKTEARS LB HUNKTEARS LB HUNKTEARS LB HUNKTEARS LB HUNKTEARS

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— an...

With Niki back on assignment, literal superhero Michael Higham fights and defeats a power outage and storm in order to join LB and John for this week's episode. And aside from being the first-ever Drivey Award Winner for Bravest Guest, Michael also gets to talk about Stevie Wonder, all-terrain wheelchairs, falling in front of the babes, if The Rock "knew about Bin Laden," LB's idea for a WNBA movie, semen retention, John's electric mousepad, and somehow, even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of...