If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes

It's the first day of merrit's extended speaking engagement at Drivey's Ed, and to celebrate she briefs John and Niki on a number of pressing topics that she hopes to cover during her stay, including her upcoming stint as Prime Minster of Canada, the specifics of that gorilla question that's going around, Niki's weekend at the country music festival, cows the size of NERDS® Candy, and pardner, somehow even more.

Music by Jordan Mallory. Art by Max Schwartz (https://maxds.itch.io/).

Support us: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving

LB, Niki and John. You know them, you love them, and one of them was forced to do crowd work as a child, but you'll have to listen to find out which. We also learn about a certain someone's shameful gas buying habits ("Don't tell anyone I top off!"), the secret truth about escape rooms, a Sailor Scout you've never heard of, value-added fungus, and somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try...

LB, Niki and John, placed on this Earth to perform one task, must continue their great effort by first dealing with LB's overstretched plantar, the existence of the "chicken jockey" and what effect saying the phrase "chicken jockey" to one's parents might have, the music they're playing our children in PE class, if Ghost Adventures is real, the return of Scam Text Theater, and homies, so much more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try...

It's time once again for LB, John and Niki to do their usual thang and solve all of the world's problems in just over an hour. This week, our heroes discuss batteries, different ways of making oats, the Burger King's relationship with Ronald McDonald, writing in cursive, why they not have ketchup in glass bottle anymore, hooking up your new chair, penis music, and as expected, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jo...

Back in the saddle and blasting indiscriminately, John, Niki and LB gather their various dogs for a ruff-riding romp through a number of discussion topics, which include (but are not limited to) the mural at Johnny Rockets, the Quibi guy, watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit while standing outside of a FUBU, British people and their historical chants, The Rock and how he "ruins things," and despite our best efforts, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— an...

Niki, John and LB chew the fat -- the HORSE fat, that is!!! -- in this wacky new installment of our madcap program. I don't know how you guys LISTEN to this stuff!! XD Not only does LB debut a brand-new segment, but this episode also touches on some really wild and unpredictable nonsense, like the correlation between sandwich length and disease severity, Reddit's secret "third measurement," dogs with prehensile tails, whether lying to your doctor "counts" or not, and Onii-chan? Somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating...

With Niki trapped aboard the San Francisco Space Station, local hero Charles Harte steps in to "fill the void" and help LB and John answer some of the biggest questions facing today's Sleepy Americans, including if anyone has ever fucked The Big Apple Coaster at New York-New York Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas, how hot farts are, the biggest poop ever recorded, contracting Hantavirus, whether the bathroom attendant knows if this building is haunted, and folks? Somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder...

This week John, Niki and LB, in a show of unity and strength against mounting opposition forces, take scam dog food makers to task for making scam dog foods. They also launch a radical new campaign designed to end conversations they don't want to participate in; usher in a new age of cyber skeletons for those in need; put a stop to the miserable toil of "doing stuff," and a number of other policy goals.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world...

LB, Niki, John, Jack and Dianne all convene at the local Tastee-Freez to suck on some chili dogs and talk shop, which this week includes John's trade to the Lakers, Niki's new state of being, Steve's last iPod, interchangeable company names, pivoting to PETA, The Wiggles™, trying to meet Wolfgang Puck in 2025, and honestly dude, so much more that I don't want to spoil it.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meanin...

John, LB and Niki peruse the menu of life and choose a number of appetizing topics to sate their hunger for discussion, including LB's new towels, hanging out with BTS, another installment of Scam Text Theater, the complete plot of The Substance (so spoiler warning obvs), if Aaron Sorkin wrote Dawson's Creek, our definitive ranking of the Barenaked Ladies, more drug physics, and y'all? Somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to f...

Niki, LB and John waste no time this week, immediately casting aside pretense and delving straight into a number of pertinent and pressing topics, including "what if Tylenol goes woke," two new kinds of hyper-localized lottery, the specific kind of Weird™ that people get about celebrities like Natalie Portman and Milana Vayntrub, the details of our upcoming Super Bowl commercial, the return of Scam Text Theater (!!), secrets of the human tooth, and yes, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying wo...

It's Valentine's Day (when we're recording, at least), so obviously LB, Niki and John have to talk about hallway shoes, the "prison walrus trap," an upsetting development concerning LB's enormous glass of iced water, Chucky, the ongoing popularity of Furby-brand toys, dating a ghost, animal genetics and, as a special treat, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the...

John, LB (congratulations LB!) and Niki strap on their ballerina fetish heels and dance around a number of pressing topics, including if the ear is a hole, household expiration dates, denim jeans, LB's new fruit, how hard it may or may not be to "change red to blue, in genetics," counting your apples before they hatch, the inevitable Paul brothers turn to Christianity, and y'all? Somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try...

Each suffering from their own unique set of cosmic ailments, and yet somehow still undeterred from their podcasting duties, Niki, John and LB crack open a cold one and talk turkey (or rather, chickens) for their weekly get-together, which you're all invited to! Topics of discussion during this salon include (but are not limited to) building a tower to get around Los Angeles zoning regulations, the plot of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (sort of), the fuckin' pizza that's cold with no cheese on it, Will Smith's latest single, and thankfully, somehow even more.

Welcome...

John, Niki and LB, who are all doing great right now, attempt to harness some of their ongoing good fortune and use it to solve the world's problems, which include (but are not limited to): Recognizing currency denominations by feel, depositing hundreds of thousands of dollars into a drive-through ATM, the current state of CityWalk at Universal Studios, listening to the radio in 2025, necessary overhauls to the pharmaceutical industry, dog mysteries, and my darlings, somehow even more.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

LB and Niki, now back home after temporary displacement by the fires in Los Angeles, are joined by local best friend John to catch up on everything they missed in the interim, including the real purpose behind John Cena's jorts, LB's new chair problem, old-timey boobs, Niki's experience at a local video games exposition, how blinking is kissing for your eyelids, an extended segment where we just look at reddit for a while, huge spoilers for the film Nope and the medical drama House, and homies, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your...

It's our first episode of 2025 and things are already off to an uproarious start, with Niki, LB and John locked in for what may be our funniest episode yet of 2025! In addition to everyone's New Year's Resolutions™, the gang also spend a lot of time talking about Miller High Life, the lore behind Grey's Anatomy (hospital show ver.), the best and worst beers according to a website Niki made when they were eight months old, the Dog War, and hot damn y'all, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about na...

It's the final episode of 2024! To celebrate the holidays and ring in the New Year, LB, Niki and John drink deeply from their cups of nog and first question who actually killed JFK, before turning to even more festive topics such as the ongoing construction on Niki's house, remaking Schindler's List, Texas Ellen, piss pants rights, LB's Xanga posts, why there aren't any new Christmas songs, where France is located, VH1 Divas, and like a sparkling gift from ol' Saint Nick, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating...

John, Niki and LB HUNKTEARS WHO IS ON THIS PODCAST embrace the holiday spirit by discussing LB's fun new allergy to Christmas trees, the stockings their in-laws sent over, Niki's new beef with friend of the show Michael Higham, John's made-up list of "traditional things" that go in a stocking, Bob Dylan, lip balm you can eat, whether Mrs. Claus is sexually active on the same level as Mr. Claus, and folks, somehow even more.

Buy Fledgling Manor on Steam or itch.io!

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast...

This podcast, which routinely features LB HUNKTEARS, also has John Warren and Niki Grayson, who this week discuss the following topics: Using a saw to paint a house, Niki's driving habits, cocaine, jungle laboratories, Larry King's relationship with Nancy Reagan, regularly scheduled steroids talk, best sex pheromones for men attract hot women, and somehow even more. LB HUNKTEARS LB HUNKTEARS LB HUNKTEARS LB HUNKTEARS LB HUNKTEARS LB HUNKTEARS LB HUNKTEARS LB HUNKTEARS

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— an...

With Niki back on assignment, literal superhero Michael Higham fights and defeats a power outage and storm in order to join LB and John for this week's episode. And aside from being the first-ever Drivey Award Winner for Bravest Guest, Michael also gets to talk about Stevie Wonder, all-terrain wheelchairs, falling in front of the babes, if The Rock "knew about Bin Laden," LB's idea for a WNBA movie, semen retention, John's electric mousepad, and somehow, even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of...

Niki is back and not a moment too soon, as LB and John have prepared what may be our wettest episode yet in celebration of their return. Well, "prepared" might be a strong word for anything that happens on this show, but the gang does get right back to business by discussing a new(?) kind of concert venue, selling your spit, pants, a scary thing that happened to Niki while driving several years ago, Mustard Man and Ketchup Kid, Elijah Wood, and homies, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast...

With Niki out on assignment, Michael Higham joins John and LB for our most cum-tastic episode since *checks notes* the last time Michael was here. But fear not, the gang also talks about regular basketball, beach basketball, the origin of the term "skeet," warning signs to watch for when hanging out with Catholics, that really tall drink you can get in Las Vegas, LB's cool mom, John's soft announcement of his plans to run for Congress, and sweetheart, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos...

Will Halloween in the rearview and Election Day upon us, Niki, LB and John try to iron out the few remaining wrinkles in American politics by addressing such hot-button issues as elf feet, Turkish hair transplant surgery, World Series Champions "The Dodgers," the power of prayer, a legendary and dead Australian horse, asses, and even a brand-new game from Niki and LB, along with a whole lot more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try...

Niki, LB and John skillfully walk through a docket of challenging and pertinent issues facing today's Sleepy Americans, such as the form and function of a joke, firefighters who also have to fight lions, whether basketball has a home on this podcast, a quick sidebar, an approximation of the plot of 1982's The Thing, a fun theme restaurant Niki went to, filming on silver nitrate, and as you've come to expect, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki...

With LB once again helping the stranded astronauts aboard the International Space Station, local hero merritt k steps in to help Niki and John navigate this week's most challenging conversation topics, including Niki's ruined floors, ants, the weird guy movies of the early 2000s, getting all of your "yellow juice" extracted, penis rejuvenation therapy, a game that you can wishlist on Steam right now, the latest Wheel of Fortune conspiracy theories, and thankfully, so much more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying...

John, Niki and LB ask some important questions about blood and the people who take it from us, before moving on to some more relatable, everyday topics such as the funny underwear that Borat wears, roller coaster safety ratings, being "famous contemporarily with a horse, when a dog ate a human heart on that one TV show, the potential dangers of hiring the nation's favorite buddies for commercial advertisements, and if you're still with us, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of...

Niki, LB and John put down their PSLs long enough to recording a brand-new episode of your favorite podcast, discussing such seasonally appropriate topics as which 90s sitcoms are the most Jewish, tips for dealing with "truculent teens," John's dishwasher installation story, "childhood trauma objects," if hats need instructions, witnessing crimes while traveling, and folks? You bet your sweet ass there's more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one...

Hey folks it's Jordan, the producer! Normally I sit in on these recordings so I can give y'all a synopsis in the eppy description here, but this time I didn't do that! Because of all the ants in my apartment! So we're gonna listen to this episode together, okay? It'll be a fun bonding experience for us. I hope you're excited about getting bonded!!!!!

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and...

Damn girl, 100 episodes? Believe it. To celebrate, Niki, John and LB look to the future of our program by discussing a number of topics, including the potential affects of attending NYU on Baron Trump, LB's bad experience with loophole weed, if Mario from video games had a diaper, the age at which you "forget all your stuff," Niki's attempts at emailing a mall for information about a closed fast food franchise, and dude, somehow so much more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our...

John, LB and Niki prepare for their upcoming 100th episode by first questioning the validity of their 99th episode, then pivoting to a number of topics not entirely unfamiliar to the program, including prison tattoo technology, loose orbs for your desk, salty licorice, the food fads of yore, making viral videos "dog friendly," step-by-step instructions for committing felony bank fraud, and if you're still hungry, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try...

LB returns from space and is appalled by what they discover: John and Niki, exactly the same as ever. Unfortunately for LB, the podcast's mystical properties immediately begin working to erode any perspective or normalcy that they acquired during their working hiatus. You will be pleased to know that topics of discussion for this episode include Al Roker's diaper guy, a complete plot summary for The Usual Suspects, Mario's greatest challenge yet, and just like always, somehow a lot more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and...

With LB still trapped in space, Niki and John are joined by #1 Drivey Superfan Michael Higham for a fun-filled romp through a variety of salient discussions, including a beer bong for piss, whether or not Caillou is "just bald," the racial demographics of Ireland, carrying a knife in Big 5 Sporting Goods, how they get the lotion in the tissues, gambling, and in ways you're not ready for, somehow so much more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and ou...

John went up to rescue LB from the International Space Station and got himself also stuck in the process, so this week Niki is joined by friend of the show Charles Harte to discuss a wide variety of topics, including (but not limited to) flat tummy water, bread with seeds in it, girl-related juice, Charles' "anti-Karen" mom, leaving reviews for things, reading reviews for other things, buying microphones from TikTok, and somehow, yes, even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world...

Hey folks! In case you missed it, new episodes now happen on Monday! Happy Monday! Also LB is trapped in space for a few weeks but that's not a permanent change, so don't worry. We've got a lot of fun guests to help out over the next couple weeks, including me, Jordan, the producer, who is on the show this week! I tend to make the show less funny with my sincerity but I think y'all will still have a good time with this one. :)

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about...

John, LB and Niki press onward despite a number of seemingly insurmountable challenges, including the return of Scam Text Theater (feat. Reginald Thimbleberry), getting a colonoscopy, jerking off with L. Ron Hubbard, distractingly large famous penises, official communique from the State Department, and against all odds, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a...

Hi this is Jordan!! I wasn't around for the recording of this one and all LB said is "warnings for spoilers of Manhunter and idk what else," so you're on your own for this one folks! Hope it turns out okay! Thanks and sorry!

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up a...

Niki, LB and John discuss the need for change in America's relationship with its own milquetoast national anthem, in addition to related topics, such as the price of Prozac, new innovations in scrotum technology, the Batman Returns iteration of Catwoman, being Johnest with each other, and predictably, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Fact...

John, Niki and LB go the extra mile this week by proving evolution, showcasing their incredible psychic powers, taking the time to look at and think about breasts while live on a podcast, exposing the Coors nuclear waste controversy, making the world-first announcement of a new Shrek film, and if you can believe it, somehow even more.

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a ti...

Remember, remember the 5th of Julember ...

(In this episode LB, Niki and John [all best friends] discuss where "it" goes "after butthole," the Ben Shapiro that escaped containment, the rules of being a ghost, Reba, the legitimacy of antibiotic warnings, the Cisco Groove, and reluctantly, somehow even more.)

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty, chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Chee...