9 Chickweed Rage

During the Hugh-Xiulan wedding, Ginger (yeah, "Who?" is spot on) pines after Gerald (nope, not him either), but Xiulan and Edda believe he's gay. He's not, it turns out. And to prove it, Ginger and Gerald make out in a graveyard near a tombstone whose most prominent engraved word is "LAID." Great subtle stuff, by the master himself. Also, when we say "make out," we mean specifically that Gerald fingerbangs Ginger against the aforementioned tombstone. Don't forget: This is the wedding where all of the ladies in the wedding party went commando. Did we mention that it is the...

All of the sudden, out of literally nowhere, Brooke Mac-El-Dee decides to do a whole series based on things you can do (or cannot do) on unicycles. Where we discover that Amos rides a unicycle. I mean, why not? We've never seen him do it before. No one in the comic has ever even mentioned a unicycle even once. But, sure, let's put Amos on a unicycle because it makes sense that he would ride one. I guess? I don't know. This sequence of strips is truly baffling, and certainly annoying. We don't want to spoil the surprise, but...

After NOT making good on our promise to cover the courtship of Polly and Lolly last episode, we get around to it this time and boy do we ever regret it! Since we began this podcast, we have never made a clear distinction between Polly and Lolly. We did this because primarily Brooke Mac-El-Dee seems to believe they are perfectly interchangeable. Why draw two women as independent characters? But that's maybe being unfair to him. I mean, it's not like any of the characters are that much different from any other characters anyway. We try our best to keep...

When given the simple task of doing a listener request, Brooke decides instead to go rogue. So instead of us talking about Alistair and his indifference about which twin he fucks or marries (but which would he kill?), we end up in the world of the Peels, Arthur and Nan-Lin. It's been ten episodes since we last saw them, and it took us a while to figure out exactly who we were dealing with this episode. Once we caught up, we discovered that -- of course! -- Arthur was drawn very differently from when we saw him last. Not...

So our journey this episode takes us to a recital, where Amos and Edda get a less than glowing review from a critic. They are SO BAD at taking any amount of criticism that they go onstage the next night to flip the critic off. Oh wait! Yeah. In this world, Amos and Edda have a multi-night engagement AND the critic comes to EVERY performance AND writes about every performance. Just like in real life! So Amos flips off the audience (as a way of showing the audience that he disapproves of the critic's take) and Edda joins him...

For this episode, we spend basically all of our time in the water, a Mac-El-Dee classic! But we begin with Edda staring at her reflection in a mirror, because of COURSE that's what she's doing. Edda provides multiple opportunities for the Brooke-ster to draw crazy teeth, for reasons that are completely unclear. Turns out, she's trying out various monster faces to look sexier for Amos -- like that would make any fucking difference with him. Amos points out that she has spinach in her teeth (which she somehow missed while staring at her mouth in the mirror) and Edda...

So sorry we've been away for so long. If it's any consolation, these strips punish us quite handily for our laziness. Boy do they ever! The white hot romance of Juliette and Elliott is explored a little this time around. Seems that Juliette loses her shit for Milk Duds. She makes it sound like it's a sexual thing, because isn't everything sexual in this godforsaken strip? But by the time we actually witness it, it's just Elliott with a cereal box-sized container of Milk Duds on his lap and Juliette sitting next to him with what appears to be 100...

After two and a half years of doing this podcast, Jeff has obviously lost his mind. He brings thirty -- THIRTY -- strips to discuss, all about the lead-up to Seth and Fernanda's wedding. And boy oh boy is it a doozy! We talk about how Brooke is obviously the world's favorite co-host of this podcast, and that's it's not even close. We begin with Fernanda talking about panties at length, which we had just barely scratched the surface of in our previous episode. We discover that Fernanda (and ultimately Brooke Mac-El-Dee himself) does not truly understand the concept...

Matt Fraction really should be writing the new Batman comic, but instead he made the mistake of wondering, "What exactly is this comic strip Jeff and Brooke are talking about?" It's a dangerous question to pose to yourself. Even more so, as Matt discovered, if one makes the mistake of Googling this comic strip. It kind of opens a Pandora's box. Which is what happened, and the next thing Matt knew, he was reading years' worth of Chickweed Lanes. Seriously guys, he took pages of notes! After the deep immersion, he agreed to join us on the podcast to...

In the days leading up to the wedding of Amos and Edda, Edda tries to seduce her (mostly) gay roommate Seth. He rebuffs her, or does he? She's engaged to Amos, but she (at the very least) dry humps his knee. He says no. But then (apparently?) he changes his mind and has sex with her anyway. Later, that same night? Later, like, the next day? It's impossible to decipher. But later she has sex with Amos and declares to him that she has always loved him. Both she and Seth lie about what happened. Amos seems to know...

Amos and Edda are in a body of water, so that of course means that it is unclear: a) what kind of body of water it is, b) how deep the water is, and c) if there are any other people around. Amos threatens (promises?) to drown himself waiting for Edda to swim by again. I mean, they're married or at least dating at this point, so I'm not sure why he's being so stealthy about looking at her. Later, he sees legs under the water and decides to swim through them BEFORE BEING CERTAIN THEY BELONG TO EDDA...

First of all, we recorded on Brooke Dillman's actual birthday. That was fun. To celebrate, we welcomed our first-ever guest Adam Grosswirth to the podcast. He tipped us off to the disgusting storyline about Polly & Lolly wanting to fuck the same guy...and both basically being okay with the fact that they might just do that. It's a truly upsetting journey, that we only cover the tiniest fraction of. Oh man, the Mac-El-Dee sure loves writing about this tired masturbatory fantasy. They're both in love with a guy named Alistair, who appears to be in his mid-30s. But...

We do our best to figure out where this stupid comic strip all allegedly takes place, but we get distracted. I mean, it's sort of what we do, right? Along the way, Juliette climbs over a couch that looks like a hot dog bun, Uncle Ethel becomes Auntie Ethel for no obvious reason, Edda does gymnastics in a subway, Edda and Amos fuck on a busy city street. Guys, the wheels really come off the wagon this episode. In short, we don't really get to the bottom of where this dumb strip actually takes place. But we do talk...

Somehow, we limit ourselves to only five strips this episode. Seems impossible, but we actually did it. Brooke (Dillman) found a short run on one topic that, while only five-strips in length, carried all the fury-inducing content of a dozen or more ordinary strips. The journey begins with Ginger (Xiulan's friend whom we met at Xiulan's wedding to Hugh) and Gerald (the guy from the wedding she's now apparently involved with), who is apparently her boss. She seduces him on his own desk and Xiulan walks in on them, informing them that all of the people in the building...

As it turns out, Juliette is a professor. But she's more than that, she's also a total asshole. She treats the new Visiting Assistant Professor -- or Vizassprof -- horribly, all for our entertainment! Because what's more fun than evergreen jokes about the upper echelons of academia? Nothing, if you ask ol' Brooke Mac-El-Dee. Here we get a solid ten-strip run of nothing but professorial hilarity, as a Vizassprof named Britneigh (spelled that way for literally no reason), comes to Juliette for advice? We can only guess that's what originally compelled her. Of course, Juliette is immediately a cunt...

For some reason, Edda or Amos (here sometimes referred to as Edna and Otis) has gone through a wormhole and now Polly and Lolly are older. How much older? Well, we think The Master intended them to be some specific age (probably because he couldn't wait for them to reach the age of consent, because he is a monster), but the way they are drawn from strip to strip makes it impossible to tell what age that is. Are they supposed to be in their early 20s? Mid-40's? 30s? Also, is there a reason (other than poor execution...

What better way to start the new year than to take a look at the first Chickweed Lanes of 2024? Well, I guess it might be better to NOT look at them at all. But that's really not on the table for us, now, is it? Please excuse Jeff sounding like he's broadcasting from inside a tin can. He was literally inside a tin can. Once again, get ready to enjoy some smooth jazz segues, because the technical problems again befall us. But we soldier on and find ourselves back in the world of ear-kissing and the familiar restaurant booths...

After becoming convinced that Brooke Mac-El-Dee himself is listening to this podcast, we take a deep dive into his poor history with the ellipsis (and other punctuation). You see, in one strip, he makes a point of "educating" everyone about the use of an ellipsis. According to The Master, it is only used to indicated omitted words. And that is not only not true, it is also not how he has EVER used the ellipsis in his own work. In fact, we're not sure he has used it that way even once. So we go back through the strips...

It's the big day for Xiulan Ha'Penny Yuan and Hugh Portwhistle Godalming. For some reason, Xiulan has chosen Edda to be one of her two bridesmaids, because of course and why not? Look, Edda is a small part of a wedding that isn't her wedding, so naturally she's furious that someone else is getting all the attention. She has a plan to not only "go commando" underneath her cheongsam, but to "slink up the aisle like hookers short on crazy money." She thinks this would be a fun and funny thing to do at someone else's wedding. And I...

Despite repeated mysterious technical difficulties, Brooke and Jeff persevered to bring you the 30th installment of this very important podcast. Was it worth all of the trouble? Of course the answer is no, probably not. But we begin with the aftermath of a date between Gil and Janice, the Nicolette Cignet photographer and Edda's friend and rival from the dance company we met way back in Episode 24: They Wanted You to Model Because of Sitzfleisch Allure. Gil is getting advice from Seth and Mark and tells them that he did not in fact bone Janice at the end of...

Well, we've been gone for two months but we're back! And if you thought that this stupid comic strip wasn't still stupid, boy, are you in for a rude awakening! All the same old shit is still there: turtlenecks, Dutch angles, references to starlets of the '30s and '40s, no backgrounds, the McEldowney ellipsis! Oh, how did we survive all these weeks without these? Anyway, this stupid storyline is about Juliette and her boyfriend Elliott, whom everyone hates. (Including us!) One version of this story would be to say that he shows up to propose to her...

Inspired by the 4th of July (I guess), we go all the way back to the beginning and take a look at the very first Chickweed strips. Brooke Mac-El-Dee comes right out of the gate with Juliette talking with Edda about physical attractiveness and how that's very important to catch a man. Edda at this point is maybe 12, so this is a TOTALLY NORMAL AND APPROPRIATE conversation for a mother to have. But don't worry. Things get WAY MORE inappropriate pretty quickly. Isn't it comforting to know that this horrible comic strip was horrible in exactly the same ways...

We could not resist the gravitational pull of the international cello competition that Amos won. You remember it, right? He and Edda got caught on camera (by a news balloon of course) having sex and then people complained that the sex tape (which everyone in the world saw) gave Amos an unfair advantage. So now we dive into the aftermath. It's 20 strips this episode, sorry guys! It's a re-match between Amos and Xiulan Yuan, and the competition will happen behind a screen and the contestants will have to switch cellos. Because of course both of those things make sense...

Here we are introduced to 60-year-old Arthur Peel and his assistant Nan-Lin Peel (no relation), who is thirty years younger than him. Arthur excuses himself for being a disgusting old man, with a balding head, hair coming out of his ears and nose and eyebrows, wattles, and flapping flesh. These are his descriptions of himself, although Brooke Mac-El-Dee doesn't take the time to actually draw him that way. He is balding, but he has thin, very well groomed eyebrows, no visible wattles and few wrinkles to speak of. He repeats this stuff over and over to Nan-Lin, who seems...

In this episode, we dive into Amos's subconscious, which is predictably icky. Amos describes a dream he had the previous night. He headlines it as a dream where Edda went to buy a car. But what the dream is really about is how the car salesman sexually assaulted her. So, at least we know where Amos's priorities lie. The Ol' Mac-El-Dee makes a big point of repeating (endlessly) that the salesman's name was "Wilkins or Fortescue," as if that is, by it's nature a very funny piece of business, which it is not. Also, and not for nothing, the...

Edda's modeling career begins when a scout for the famous designer Nicolette Cignet picks Edda from everyone else in her dance company because of her nice butt. Only, Brooke Mac-El-Dee never says "nice butt," he prefers to say "caboose" over and over and over, with a brief digression to "sitzfleisch" from Amos. The twist is that they only want Edda for her butt and they want Janice to be the face. So, even though it makes zero sense, they'll use both of them: Janice's face and Edda's butt. There is no exploration of whose midriff and boobs will make...

After Edda "cures" Amos's hiccups, he takes the stage, first without his cello (hilarious!) and then with it. His performance, which is of course watched via satellite by all of his family and friends, inspires so much passion, that Juliette fucks Elliott on the couch right next to Nan. It also inspires Isabel to have sex with her boyfriend and Seth to make up with Mark, who appears here as a doll or small child. Amos finishes his performance and everyone there loses their minds, throwing their programs in the air and then roses at Amos and Edda. Naturally...

The world watched Amos and Edda have sex, thanks to a Belgian breaking news balloon, the kind of balloon that floats through the city of Brussels, filled with at least 10 reporters looking for news stories. And part of how they look for news, we guess, is to peep through windows of buildings and film people without their permission. Seems totally cool. But maybe that's just how "European" they are, and we're all a bunch of American yahoos. Whatever the case, the video (or film as Brooke Mac-El-D prefers to call it) becomes a sensation on the internet. But before...

Buckle up for another epic run of this guy's fucking garbage. We start looking at the story of Amos and Edda finally doing it in Brussels during a cello competition. It begins with Edda making a move on Amos which causes him to have the hiccups, which results in Amos wanting to go home. But Edda claims she has a cure, which is (of course) fucking. As soon as they've done the deed, Edda gets on the phone back home to tell her mom that, yes, she used the same "hiccup cure" that Juliette did when Juliette first humped...

It's our first podcast of 2023! And we're so happy to discover that this strip still makes no goddamned sense at all. We begin our twelve-strip journey (yes! twelve!) with a customer service rep responding to texts from what turns out to be Thorax. Thorax is looking for overalls in XXXXL-Tall, so naturally his path to purchasing said clothing begins with texting a customer service person. And once he finds out it's a lady -- with the doubly unlikely name of Verity Dupee -- Thorax begins his harrassment. We're sorry, we totally mean romance. Romance as defined by Brooke McEldowney...

It's our last podcast of 2022! So to celebrate the holidays, we focus on Christmas this episode. Despite striking out at Halloween and Thanksgiving, we give the holidays another shot and take a look to see if Brooke McEldowney has anything joyful or celebratory to say about Christmas. The answer is, of course, mostly no. We're exposed to a very weird "pickle leg," an inappropriately sexy ballet Santa, Edda's sexy knees, and there's even a fun Hitchcockian cameo from McEldowney himself. By "fun," we mean very, very confusing. Ultimately, Amos and Edda show us they have some serious Santa cosplay...

We flash back to World War II and immediately find ourselves dealing with two naked people in a...pond? ...a lake? ...a magical puddle? It's very unclear what kind of body of water. Anyway, the skinny-dippers are confronted with Nazis. We don't really know who we're dealing with at first. But the lady scares off some Nazis with her "terrifying downstairs business." We later discover that these mysterious people are Bill O'Malley, Juliette's stepfather, and Martine Clocqueur. Naturally, Martine is a beautiful double agent. We're just surprised she's not also a talented singer, dancer, or musician. Bill has a...

If there was even a moment that you thought Brooke McEldowney wasn't a weirdo, we offer up this six-pack of excursions into the world of Edda's "toe cleavage." It starts off super-weird, with Edda sitting on the sidewalk so Amos can gawk at her feet. After thirty years of knowing each other, this toe cleavage thing comes as a surprise to Edda, because that totally makes as much sense as anything else in this strip. A cop threatens to take them in, and eventually someone files a court order against Amos to keep him from publicly lavishing affection on...

Neither of us was ready for Brooke McEldowney to introduce us to a filthy sock puppet named Sphinxter. But he did it anyway. Here, Sphinxter takes on internet trolls, or as McEldowney calls them, "anonymous onliners." If you're wondering if Sphinxter has a literal butthole for a mouth, he does. And we see it A LOT. In the end, McEldowney claims victory over the trolls and throws Sphinxter away. It's super fun!

The Chickweed strips we discuss this episode:

Sphinxter gets introduced, states his thesis, and accosts Juliette & Elliott on the street right here.
...

To celebrate Thanksgiving, we check out a handful of strips that ran on Thanksgivings in the past. Naturally, Brooke McEldowney wants NOTHING to do with such a common holiday. So we have to find our own way to give thanks for Juliette burning her old Daisy Dukes, Rita Hayworth throwing hot dogs at virgins, Edda getting furious at a butt of Malmsey, Amos & Edda ogling a mystery woman together, and a character we've never seen before attempting to jump off a diving board while giving a piggy-back ride to another character we've never seen before. But the real thing...

Of course, one episode devoted to the imaginary sex rabbit McTwo could never be enough, right? So we spend another day exploring the world of McTwo. This time, we stay primarily in Juliette & Elliott's bedroom, but that doesn't mean the psychological landscape is any simpler. Far from it. There is such outlandish punctuation abuse, it nearly defies belief. But Brooke McEldowney does in fact use over 100 periods IN ONE WORD BUBBLE. Then McTwo joins Juliette & Elliott in their bed, which Juliette finds disconcerting at first but then -- we guess? -- a turn on? Ultimately, we end where we...

So, there's this giant white rabbit named McTwo. He's imaginary and he only shows up during sex. Seems like it was Juliette's burden to carry originally, but lately McTwo has branched out to watch Edda & Amos. But then we discover that he's apparently doing something more than just watching, because he creates a stain on a couch that Edda & Amos can see. So can Edda's roommate Seth, who is so disgusted by it that he literally barfs. First the stain is described as "marks," then a "spot," then a "blotch" that grows in size to resemble Maine. (I wish...

Brooke McEldowney tells us everything he knows about conception and pregnancy. It's not clear that he understands how any of the experience, especially for the woman, really works. We begin with Juliette showing Edda a useless pamphlet that attempts to explain sex. The very same pamphlet her mother showed her and was not useful to her. Amos & Edda talk about their two possible strategies for conception, both of which sound terrible. Edda claims to wear a string bikini for the first time as a "last hurrah" (?) before her body gets super gross because of pregnancy. Amos has sex with...

Foolishly, I suppose, we thought FOR SURE Brooke McEldowney would make some reference to Halloween in his strip over the years. At the very least, we were expecting the female characters to be dressed as sexy somethings -- painters? pilots? poop emojis? -- but McEldowney gave us nothing. So we soldiered on and explored a half dozen or so strips that ran on Halloween. Edda writes an incomprehensible sentence on the chalkboard. Thorax either milks a cow or breaks up with it. Both seem equally possible. Edda finds some confidence only to have a friend tell her to "drop...

So there's this whole string of strips where people send off, basically, angry "letters to the editor." Only in this case, it's people or entities that our beloved (?) Chickweed residents have had enough of. Juliette gets mad at the health care system and as a result shoots her computer full of arrows. Someone gets an "unsolicited letter" and throws their computer out of the window. Or the person sending the "unsolicited letter" throws the computer out the window. Or an unrelated person throws a computer out a window. Guys, it's not clear what's going on AT ALL in one...