Can You Don't?
Can You Don't? is a weekly, comedic podcast where Joe Paisley and Bryan Albrandt delve into the depths of the Internet in order to retrieve the best and worst examples of humanity, while openly mocking themselves along the way for being complete idiots.
Can You Don't? | Bomb Squad. Warts. Battery. Cartilage.
Who the fuck is buying all these warty-ass pumpkins?! It's getting a little out of hand. Let's talk about that, ending up with three years of probation for spitting on your ex, getting locked inside your doctor's office, getting covered in piss because your plan to be an asshole backfired, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Turkey Hunt. Too Fat. Zillow Porn. Vomit.
Do you ever find yourself getting upset because you have to do something that's really easy but you're just so dang tired? Yeah, pretty much all of us have. Do you then stop and think how fucking easy we have it as humans today verses even a 100 years ago? Let's talk about that, chasing prey until it throws up just so you can then eat the vomit-food, driving around a bunch of homeless people as they jerk-off in your car, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Family Dog. Naked Paint. Roblox. Pee Bomb.
What would you do if you caught your partner doing sexual things with the family dog? Let's talk about that, having to paint your entire house completely naked, people getting so upset over online video clips, is it important to know how to do math if AI will just do it for us moving forward, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Nip Nuts. Koi Fish. Parking Lot. DNA.
We have all masturbated using a fish... but getting caught while doing it is super embarrassing. Right? RIGHT?! Let's talk about that, testicles being located somewhere else on your body, fart rules inside a relationship, firefighters mowing someone's lawn because he couldn't finish the job, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Payment Plan. Van Pee. Rock. Plastic Sword.
What's the worst thing that could happen from stealing your friend's sister's underwear when you were 12 years old and then blaming it on a different friend? Welp... you're about to find out. Let's talk about that, falling out the back of a moving van while trying to take a piss, beating up a disabled kid with your favorite new toy, the latest household device that now involves AI, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Finger Skin. Sippy Cup. Megalodon. Pantera.
We all have our own opinions about the pumpkin spice craze, but walking around the store and yelling about it isn't the proper way to express it. Let's talk about that, some more cute animals that have a spinal deformity like Jimothy, accidentally reading an AI prompt while giving a government speech, foreskin on all your fingers, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Oil Change. Thailand. Tree Trimmer. Secret Video.
How backwards do things have to be in this world for you to catch your wife cheating... but you're the one that ends up going to jail? Let's talk about that, answering a WYR that makes everyone uncomfortable, accidentally smashing your co-worker's head because you're making shadow puppets, why do oil change places show you everything they are doing, and more on today's episode of Can you Don't?!
Vote for the cute baby: https://babyoftheyear.org/2026/emily-ea56
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Can You Don't? | Light Pole. Mount Fuji. Lisp. 29 Toes.
If you have kids, or have spent time around someone else's children for any amount of time, it's no secret that they can SUPER SUCK when they are little... which is why a story on today's show about a dad leaving his son behind on Mt. Fuiji actually makes sense. GET UP, NERD! Let's talk about that, getting in real trouble for destroying a fake camera, accidentally punting your toilet paper holder into the wall, dirty talkin' with Mike Tyson, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Sharpened Teeth. Dark Poop. Drowning. Gold Bars.
No one cares. Hugs and tugs.
*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***
New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PST
Watch this episode YouTube: https://youtu.be/FaGBFZB1IKo
Send in segment content: [email protected]
Merch...
Can You Don't? | Hermaphrodite. Sheetmetal. Sally. Wait.
Welp... looks like the yearly "Joe almost died" trend continues! He learned why it's never a good idea to wear sandals while doing roof work. Idiot. Let's talk about that, having a drunk old man as a neighbor, a goose actually helping instead of just causing pure chaos in this world, having a sex-doll replace teachers in the classroom, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Mount Rushmore. Keystroke. Water Pump. Pretty Cold.
Businesses making wild ass claims about their products is nothing new... but Joe couldn't control his urge to ask a local gas station about one of their record setting claims. Let's talk about that, an AI robot that could be so dangerous it comes with instructions on how to kill it if it ever goes rogue, having sex with famous statues, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Plumber's Crack. Pepper Balls. Nuns. Meth Lab.
How far would you go to prank your family and friends? Would you create a fake meth lab, media coverage, mugshot, and local news website so that everyone thinks you're going to prison for the rest of your life? Someone did. Let's talk about that, the fastest ass crack Joe has ever seen, things getting pretty wild in a Walmart parking lot, a couple of enemy lesbian nuns falling in love and running away together, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can you Don't? | Bathroom Goat. Funny Trunks. Sticky Letters. Winnie-the-Pooh.
The wild swing between being someone who's in jail, cumming on letters that you're sending to your partner... and THEN actually winning a legal argument saying that it's fine to be cumming on letters and sending them to your partner is truly amazing. Let's talk about that, getting yourself involved in a hike that's way harder than you expected it to be, fighting a goat every time you need to use the bathroom, Bryan is finally listening to Joe when it comes to using public amenities, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
Can You Don't? | Dick Fire. Phone Glitch. Green Boots. Banana Girl.
We all die. Duh, we get it. But what if how you died and where you died has been used as an example of failure for the last three decades? That's something special. Let's talk about that, blasting your flaps with a footlong hotdog while still on the clock, one of the weirdest videos Joe has ever found on that Internet, loosing the last three years of content on your phone because "sometimes that happens," and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Better Grades. Pole Tape. Perfume. Flaky Perineum.
How mad would you get if you were having a little sex and someone pooped on you? Get a gun out mad? Apparently some people get THAT mad. Let's talk about that, Joe's theory about the common side effects in pharmaceutical commercials, getting blackmailed for better grades by your students because they discovered you have an OnlyFans, getting in trouble for taping criminals to poles, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Ding Dong. Ham Sandwich. Scream. Sad Room.
We all tend to think that ding-dong ditching is a pretty harmless prank, right? Welp... not always. Yikes. Let's talk about that, how much we love Limp Bizkit making a massive comeback, why do women scream over the smallest things while in the passenger seat of a car like the world is ending, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Topless Coffee. Wrong Baby. Burrito. Banana Car.
Have you ever been to a topless coffee stand? Have you ever been to a topless coffee stand on accident? Have you ever been to a topless coffee stand on accident with your mom and kids in the car? Let's talk about that, trying to jump a BMX at your current age while drunk, giving birth to a baby that isn't biologically yours, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Ice Tray. Drug Test. Bert. Box of Goon.
Does a naked 5k count as a form of ASMR? Let's talk about that, a website that widens the scope of measuring everything in football fields, throwing up in the middle of sex because you couldn't handle the smell, Joe standing in a bathroom alone for 10 minutes because he didn't know how to get drug tested, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | People Meat. Red Light. TNT. Olive Garden.
Dating can land you in some pretty weird situations... but one that involves forced marriage, satanic rituals, and Olive Garden usually isn't on that list. Let's talk about that, choosing your Catholic confirmation saint after your pecker's nickname, the ultimate orgy buzzkill, Bryan running his family into financial ruin by running red lights, and more on today's episode of Can you Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Four. Amazing. Years. Thank You.
FOUR PHACKING YEARS? You’ve listened, shared, reviewed, showed up, and kept this thing going. Whether you’ve been here from episode one or just recently found us, we genuinely appreciate you giving us your time every week. We don’t take it lightly. Thanks for being here.
*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us:Â http://www.patreon.com/can...
Can You Don't? | Prison Pocket. Paid to Jerk. Russia. Moon Base.
And to think we've all been masturbating for free this whole time... when we could be getting paid! Let's talk about that, another example of why it's great not to live in Russia, humans have been hiding things in our butts since the beginning of time, the last time you had a five course meal, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Hot Peppers. Best Friend. Lock. Fingerprints.
Ohhhhh the joys of parenting. Nothing really brings a father and son together like completely shattering trust because you're a dipshit. Let's talk about that, pissing a random dude off during a foursome because you have a massive hog, getting locked out of the house when you really need to poop, getting railed by Big Bird, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Castaway. Gushers. Push Door. Shoe Phone.
Pro tip: when you're getting arrested and the cops ask you to call your family, don't take your shoe off and try to use it as a phone. It's not a good look. Let's talk about that, what really is the color of the middle light on a stoplight, a wild night with some wild girls, plastic wrapping a nativity scene to save time next Christmas, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Canned Salmon. Verification. Penguins. Comforter.
Doesn't it seem like the older you get, the sadder visiting Las Vegas becomes? Bryan just went there and returned with some wonderful examples of the sadness. Let's talk about that, having a giant black sex toy glued to your forehead for five years, drawing on fake mustaches in order to bypass age requirements online, raising money for brain cancer treatment through a lemonade stand, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Old Lady. Bee Truck. Tissue Mirror. Super Wake.
Have you ever danced with a random old lady in a grocery store parking lot? No? Maybe you should. Let's talk about that, and SUUUUUPER WAAAAAAAAAAAKE! That's it... it will all make sense.
*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***
New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PST
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Can You Don't? | Wild Boar. Incident Report. Singed. Beach Ball.
Have you ever been kicked out of a bar but have no idea why? Well, this was a first for Joe. Let's talk about that, a clever use for AI robots in the city, paying a stranger to be your friend while checking off your bucket list items, a bunch of conspiracy theories that ended up being true, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Sliding Gloves. Terrorist. Remodel. Ted's Face.
I mean... we love a good raccoon penis as much as the next guy, but chopping one of some roadkill in front of your family and claiming it's for research is pretty wild. Let's talk about that, domestic differences when it comes to remodeling your house, why are kids so cool playing sports these days, working with someone all day long who has your semen all over their face, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | .sdrawkcaB .dnA .hgiH .002
200 episodes. That’s a lot of words, a lot of laughs, and an alarming amount of things we probably shouldn’t have said out loud. Seriously though, thank you. Whether you’ve been here since episode one or you just found us and immediately questioned your life choices, we’re so glad you’re here. The fact that you keep hitting play, sharing the show, and letting us be part of your day means everything to us.
You’ve helped turn this into something way bigger than we ever imagined, and we don’t take that lightly… even if we do ta...
Can You Don't? | Baby Half. Ceiling Tile. Bong Dash. Touching.
We've never thought about it before... but how hard would it be to actually rip a baby in half? Let's talk about that, installing a custom bong into your dash so you never have to stop doing drugs, why are dry ice bombs so goddamn fun, thinking that you're making a lumber delivery but end up screwing some dude's wife in front of him, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Just Acting. Cornhole. Forklift. Wet Basket.
Let's say you are the proud owner of a drive-thru prayer business. Would you be open 24/7? Monday-Friday 9-5? Or just Wednesdays from 11-1? Let's talk about that, having to depend on your local community to protect from everyone else in the world wanting you dead, sneaking away to have sex in a porta-potty, where the heck do all these idioms come from, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Vegas Hooker. Spaghetti. Poisonous. Sorry Bud.
Some sad news to share on the show today but... everything will be ok. Let's talk about that, Bryan continues to be fucking awful at math, when does spaghetti become spaghetti and not just tomato noodles, ice cubes made from piss in the house you're staying at, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Daddy Bath. Camel Lips. Celibate. Weather Apps.
I didn't think I could ever give botox or implants to a camel... until I learned it could be worth MILLIONS OF DOLLARS?! Let's talk about that, yanking ponytails for funzzies, waiting your whole life for some free oysters with your dad, are weather apps getting paid to put up questionable forecasts, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Tap Shoes. Chemo Cake. Mop Water. Dog Frog.
Quick question for the ladies. Would you bang Mr. Clean? Yes, the cleaning company mascot. Let's talk about that, Bryan rewriting his entire would you rather on the fly, how does one go about getting their dog to stop licking frogs in the yard, another big life change to update everyone on, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Press 2. Seagull. Concussion. Nice Lady.
You all know that Bryan went to Mexico for his annual family vacation... but did you know he was in the exact location that all that shit went down with the cartel and he was stuck there for an additional week?! Let's talk about that, why drinking cleaning supplies is never a good idea, the only time that knowing how to give CPR to a seagull was helpful, how much should a happy-ending cost, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Moon Vacation. Sleeping Calf. Object. Munition.
Although not legal in the slightest, breaking into your place of employment after hours to make and sell pizza for a little extra coin isn't a completely terrible idea. Let's talk about that, why are so many people shoving old munition up their b-holes, how many household items are there on the planet, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Breakfast Blackout. Gooning. Sexy Birds. Gameboy Color.
Do you know what gooning is? Yeah you do... you little slut. *bites lip* Let's talk about that, how sexy birds can be with a human ass, another murderous elephant rampage, soliciting a prostitute while driving a school bus, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us:Â http://www.patreon.c...
Can You Don't? | Ankle Monitor. Lactic Acid. Manatee. Get Bent.
Can you even imagine how good it would feel to get released from a prison, get your shit together, then end up BUYING THE SAME PRISON YOU WERE KEPT IN?! Let's talk about that, trying to fool the cops by putting your ankle monitor on your dog, why do all women leave giant balls of hair in the shower, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Watermelon. Barefoot. Puke Purse. Itchy Cow.
Have you ever been in a situation that required you to tackle an old man in order to retrieve a license plate to avoid going to jail? Us either. Let's talk about that, government drones spying on Bryan, how heavy is a standard watermelon, how accidentally killing a puppy resulted in somehow feeling ok about making your dad cry, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Body Box. Snoring. Backwards Satan. Jiggle Fest.
Have you ever wondered what a snoring hummingbird sounds like? No? Well, I bet you are now! Let's talk about that, how common actually still being alive is when doctors go to harvest your parts, some wild music conspiracies that have made their way to Uncle Zaq's lap, bailing out on the stripclub because you decided to go to an adult porn store beforehand, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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Can You Don't? | Leaf Rewards. Pants Button. S'more. Old Spruce.
*Jason (495651) in prison, we read your letter!*
Why does every piece of tech these days feel like they NEED to have some sort of reward system?! Let's talk about that, looking forward to going on vacation so much that you ignore the fact your wife just died, trying to bite your way through a tree trunk, stuffing marbles up your dick hole, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!
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