Crafting Solutions to Conflict

Sarah Walker joins me to talk about the role that our homes play in our day-to-day wellbeing. Sarah describes how interior design can support rest, focus, and recovery in our homes.  And we talk about planning for the evolution that families go through over time and how to plan spaces that will be welcoming to all generations, whether short-term visitors, permanent residents, and in-between. 

       You can learn more about Sarah’s work – and see some beautiful spaces – at https://nuanceinteriors.com/. You can follow her company on Instagram here: @nuanceinteriors.  She can be found on LinkedIn here:  https://www.linke...

We’ve been encouraged to embrace active listening. Sure. But we need to be genuine, not engaging in actions or behaviors that aren’t ours. 

It’s not helpful to adopt gestures that we have been told to use, yet feel foreign to us. 

      Not only do you run the risk that I will see through your acting, but some of your focus will be devoted to the acting – not to the actual listening.

       What should we do?

       Of course, look at someone when they are speaking, but don’t stare them down. 

       Of...

Why quit while you are behind? Because if you continue the fight, you may dig a deeper hole for yourself. Possibilities for a small loss can become a bigger one when those with the upper hand become angry or frustrated. Because you may say or do things that brand you a sore loser. Because the sting of the experience can become greater for the other person without lessening your own pain.

And if you will be in a continuing relationship, consider what you can learn from this loss. There can be similar disagreements down the road. Can...

It’s not always easy to quit while you are ahead. But, when ongoing relationships matter, it’s worth the effort.

How to do it? First, keep a laser focus on the prize. Not the peripheral issues. Let them go. Next, think ahead of time how the “win” might roll out. Consider, individually and within a faction, how to respond – including by saying nothing. Adopt a long view.  Try to accept a win graciously. Allow everyone to move on. When emotions are high, keep words and actions in check, and allow some healing to begin. 

Do you have...

Sherri Noxel joins me today to talk about the challenges of family farms. These family businesses encounter the familiar ones – including the role of nonfamily employees, succession planning, and addressing legacy issues. They also face circumstances not commonly found in other industries, most importantly, their special connection to the land where they work and, frequently, also live.

You can learn more about Sherri and her work here:  https://www.enterprisinggenerations.com/

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at ...

We can have very different views about 

charitable giving and that can lead to conflict.

Magic, easy answers will be elusive. But a few reminders can help. Know your own priorities and values and be true to them.

      First, don’t be the passionate supporter who becomes the pushy one. If you are on the receiving end of the pushiness, you can decline politely – and completely. Or you can choose to give a more modest amount; in some situations –especially alumni giving – the percentage of eligible donors who contribute is important.

      If the cause is one...

Fundamentally, it’s best to avoid a conflict.  We are not required to form judgments about other people’s spending. We can let that go and focus on other things. And if we do form judgments, we can keep them to ourselves.

Both because we don’t know everything and because it’s not our job to judge. 

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a m...

We can have attitudes about other people’s income sources.  And we can consider if and how we share our thoughts. Going back to my most recent guest, Natalie WagnerWillis: we need to be clear on our own priorities and values. How they apply to us internally, and how they connect us to others. Just labelling the other perspectives as wrong is unhelpful. Better to have both a clear understanding of one’s one perspective and an openness to learning about the perspectives of others.

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea...

Natalie WagnerWillis is my guest.  Natalie is a certified money coach and Finologist. Her father, Dick Wagner, was the original Finologist. Natalie shares her origin story and how she has developed and refined her own understanding of how we can better understand our internal relationship with money andour connection with the rest of the world through the exchange of money. 

You can learn more about Natalie’s work, try a money type quiz, and more at her website: https://vitalfinancials.com/ .  You can find Natalie on LinkedIn here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/natalie-wagnerwillis-bb31502b/

Do you...

The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals offers this definition: “Collaborative Practice is a voluntary dispute resolution process in which parties settle without resort to litigation.”  “Each party must be represented by a lawyer whose representation terminates upon the undertaking of any contested court proceeding.” https://www.collaborativepractice.com/

On the face of it, this sounds a lot like mediation. How is it different? Most important, mediation involves an impartial third party, a mediator. Attorneys may or may not be present. In Collaborative Practice, there is no mediator. And attorneys are always present. In fact, the key point is that ev...

From the website of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals: “Collaborative Practice is a voluntary dispute resolution process in which parties settle without resort to litigation.”  The key point:  “Each party must be represented by a lawyer whose representation terminates upon the undertaking of any contested court proceeding.” That written agreement is essential. https://www.collaborativepractice.com/

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator an...

Peter Johnson joins me today. We talk about his book, The Little Book of Family Treasure: Building Family Connection, Well-Being, and Legacy.

And Peter explains how collaborative practice, more commonly known in the field of divorce, brings great value to the area of trusts and estates. 

You can learn more about Peter’s work here: https://pwjohnson.com/

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and m...

Problems start when we make false assumptions about entire generations, entire cohorts, and the individuals we meet who fall into one of them.

So, what to do about it?

First, recognize what we are doing. Next, take a moment to consider why people in that generation or cohort might tend to have the viewpoints they do. 

Consider how you can take into account this different perspective.

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me kn...

We hear plenty of stereotypes about generations. In cohort theory, the emphasis is not on rigid boundaries set by birth years, but on shared experiences. Generations and cohorts themselves don’t necessarily get us into trouble. False assumptions do.

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

En...

David Russell joins me today. We talk about his book, Bridging the Generational Divide: Generational Perspectives on Money. David says that his book is intended as a guide for advisors who are navigating family wealth, values, and conversations across generations. 

       I say that it has valuable insights for anyone interested in these challenges. Advisors who are not financial advisors, family members, and others.

       One of my favorite takeaways is the idea that our perspective is shaped not only by our age in years, but also by life events and world events. 

       You can reach David at his w...

The direct ones are, well, direct. They are easy to see. Who wouldn’t be offended?  Indirect triggers are trickier. 

If I know the other person well, I may have a good guess at their indirect triggers. I can try not to create problems. I can consider those indirect triggers when I speak or don’t – or act or don’t.

If I don’t know the other person well, and I inadvertently hit an indirect trigger, I may know immediately, or not so soon. I could just assume that the other person is overreacting for no reaso...

Dr. Mitch Abrams joins me to talk about his book, I’m Not F*cking Angry!: adjust the flame to get what you want and need.  We discuss the distinction between anger and aggression, and our perceptions of aggression vs. assertiveness.  Plus, some helpful insights about apologies: as the person offering one and as the person on the receiving end. 

You can learn more about his work and contact him through his website: https://drmitchabrams.com/

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or confl...

Three brief episodes from me. It’s just a coincidence that they published three in a row in the summer.

First, Episode 345, published on July 30, 2025, “Conversations, chats, discussions….” 4:23, http://bit.ly/40O1p1X.

Second, Episode 346, published on August 6, 2025, “First you make a plan”. 4:27, http://bit.ly/4fA7hlG.

Third, Episode 347, published on August 13, 2025, “… and then you get ready to pivot.” 4:13,http://bit.ly/4lyQEIr. 

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutio...

My most recent guests, Alice Driscoll and Louise van Haarst, talked with me about their book, Smart Conflict: How to have hard conversations at work. They introduced their Five R Model: Reflection, Regulation, Readiness, Response, and Repair. 

The very words “caught off guard” set the tone. You are on defense. It’s a difficult conversation. Because you didn’t see this coming, you do not have a response prepared for this particular situation.  Alice and Louise have some sound advice: be ready with a (my phrasing) “I’m not ready” type of response. Set yourself up to be ready to take...

My most recent guests, Alice Driscoll and Louise van Haarst, talked with me about their book, Smart Conflict: How to have hard conversations at work. They introduced their Five R Model: Reflection, Regulation, Readiness, Response, and Repair. Thinking about Response. There are times when you know the likely path a difficult conversation will take.  You may know the other person well. Or you may have had a variation of this conversation before. Or both. A prepared response can prevent us from feeling tongue-tied and then resorting to silence, or unhelpful body language, or blurting out something that will make m...

Alice Driscoll and Louise van Harrst join me today. We talk about their book, Smart Conflict: How to have hard conversations at work. Our conversation is in two parts. 

Last time, in Part 1, we covered the foundation for the contents of the book and discuss and overview of the five Rs of their model. This time, in Part 2, we continue with a deeper dive into those five Rs – noting that it is possible to jump in wherever it feels right to you in the moment. You can learn more about their work at their company website:     https://www.th...

Alice Driscoll and Louise van Harrst join me today. We talk about their book, Smart Conflict: How to have hard conversations at work. Our conversation is in two parts. Today, in Part 1, we cover the foundation for the contents of the book and discuss and overview of the five Rs of their model.  And next time, in Part 2,  we continue with a deeper dive into those five Rs – noting that it is possible to jump in wherever it feels right to you in the moment.  You can learn more about their work at their company website:  https://www.thepowerhouse.compan...

Way back in March 2020, I published two episodes about VUCA. VUCA V - U -C- A is an acronym describing a concept that was developed by the U. S. Army War College to describe the world after the end of the Cold War. A world that was more Volatile, V; Uncertain, U: Complex, C; and Ambiguous, A.

Peter Schein talked with me in Episode 361, published two weeks ago, about his book, Humble Inquiry: The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling, which was published earlier this year.

In the book, Peter refers to VUCAA. That’s...

My most recent guest, Peter Schein, talked with me about his book, Humble Inquiry: The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling. Peter makes a distinction between Humble Inquiry and humility. The Humble Inquiry attitude does not require humility as a personality trait. Some of us do tend toward arrogance. Yet, that trait does not preclude the application of Humble Inquiry. Peter suggests thinking of Here-and-now Humility: accepting that there are times when we are dependent on each other for sharing information and achieving goals.  No one needs to undergo a complete personality makeover to embrace the art and at...

Peter Schein joins the show to  talk about his book, the third edition of Humble Inquiry: The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling. Peter had previously written with his father, Edgar Schein, now deceased. We discuss the concept of humbly inquiring, instead of boldly telling, with the goal of building relationships. And we explore how Humble Inquiry is both an art and an attitude.  You can learn more about Peter’s work at the Organizational Culture and Leadership Institute here:  https://www.scheinocli.org/ . You can reach Peter at peter@ocli.org.

Do you have comments or su...

“Holding off” may seem to be the opposite of jumping in, but there are some other angles.

Holding off has a flavor of deliberate choice. I am thinking this through and reaching the conclusion that now is not the time. This is not the same as wimping out. It’s a decision based on a reasoned analysis. 

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a med...

In the context of preventing and resolving bad conflict, “jumping in” will typically be a bad idea.

Why? Because it is fast. That’s the whole point. Life today both prizes speed and forces it as the world seems to change faster and faster. The problem? Fast serves us well when being chased by a tiger, but not so well in many other situations. 

When we allow ourselves some time to actually think, with reason, our decisions tend to be better ones. 

Occasionally, jumping in is exactly the right thing to do in the cont...

Buddy Thomas joins me to talk about his book: Love, Wisdom, Money: The Family Fiduciary’s Guide to Generative Wealth. We discuss the higher standards of being a family fiduciary and how family leaders become one. Buddy also describes the phases of the intergenerational wealth journey the families can be found in: Accumulators, Harvesters, Stewards, Survivors, or Heirs. 

You can learn more about his work and the book here: https://lovewisdommoney.com/

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me kno...

To infer means to guess or use reasoning. Another definition is to conclude or judge from premises or evidence.

To imply means to suggest indirectly or to indicate something without actually stating it. I, the listener or reader, need to try to figure out the message that you, the speaker or writer, are sending. 

And I might guess wrong. 

Not only am I interpreting what I hear and read through my personal filter. I am also trying to read through the lines to understand what you are trying to tell me.

Dou...

My most recent guest, Gerry O’Sullivan, talked with me about her process, The Journey of Inference. As she puts it succinctly: “Our Journey of Inference interprets the world of observable data according to our unique perspective or paradigm.”

It’s clear from Gerry’s process and our conversation that our inferences can get us into trouble, precisely because we each carry a unique perspective or paradigm.

Dictionary definitions of infer are, if not quite unique, not fully consistent.

For example, one says infer means to conclude through reasoning. Another than infer means to guess o...

Gerry O’Sullivan, an experienced mediator and trainer of mediators, joins me. We talk about her process, The Journey of Inference. We talk about how our beliefs and world view shape it. Gerry explains how we move from observation to interpretation to assumption to conclusion and action.  And Gerry uses stories to illustrate how specific questions can help us understand potential missteps on that journey. You can learn more about Gerry and her work here:  https://www.osullivansolutions.ie/ You can also sign up for a free newsletter, view free videos, and get a taste...

Our initial reaction to criticism can be exactly that: a reaction more than a response. And it can be black or white.

Neither of those things tends to help.

Better. Remind yourself that very few things in life are genuinely black or white.

Take a pause. Take a breath.  Take a look at the criticism. No need to beat up on yourself or on the other person. 

View the criticism through a careful lens. One that includes analysis and also kindness to yourself and some grace to the other person. 

D...

In the story of the Angry Man, the Buddha illustrates how to disarm criticism based or anger or rudeness. A young man came to insult the Buddha, but the Buddha did not become angry or insulted. Instead, he calmly asked the man a question: 

"If someone offers you a gift and you decline to accept it, to whom does it belong?". 

The young man replied that the gift would belong to the person who offered it. The Buddha then calmly responded: 

The young man replied that the gift would belong to the person who...

Sam Osborne joins me today. We talk about his book, How to Beat the Imposter Syndrome and Be Confident.  We discuss the need to know your own values, how to deal with criticism positively, and how to believe in yourself when others don’t.

You can learn more about Sam’s work and find resources at  https://www.selfworthsam.com/. Sam’s social media handle is selfworthsam.

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you c...

The mediation process can be tailored to the needs of the participants and the mediator. In fact, the process can evolve a bit over the course of multiple mediation sessions.

The process can be focused on a very specific, time-limited, dispute that has erupted. Or it can be all about damaging simmering tensions that are lurking beneath the surface – with no blow-up … yet. Different situations, different approaches. 

The framework can be structured to the needs and goals. 

Will we even use the word “mediation”?  In my work, at times the word itself is thought to...

When I started way back in January of 2019, conventional wisdom was that most podcasts die out after seven episodes. Now, over six years later, 90% of podcasts don’t make it past three episodes. They say that’s largely due to creators underestimating how much work is involved.  When I launched the podcast, I knew that I wanted to have a voice about conflict. A positive and practical perspective. That's been my goal all along and it will continue to be.  I remain convinced that we can all get more confident and more competent about dealing with conflict. There is plenty...

In mediation, an impartial person helps the people involved to reach an agreement that works for them. 

Mediation is often said to consist of three main types.Some mediators stick quite closely to one approach.  Others feel comfortable favoring one or another in different situations. The lines can blur in practice more than they do in theory. 

Broadly speaking, the main “types” are evaluative, facilitative, and transformative.  Transformative is the least well-known of them. A fourth, narrative mediation, pops up occasionally in discussions in the conflict resolution field. 

Their names describe them well.

Do y...

Phyllis Weiss Haserot joins me today. Phyllis has been curious about cross-generational communication for decades. She built on her natural ability with education and experience. We talk about the danger of making assumptions, the value in asking good questions, and the importance of continuing conversations. 

You can reach her by email here: pwhasarot@pdcounsel.com, find her on LinkedIn here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/pwhaserot/.

Her website, https://youcantgoogleit.com/ , contains tips and insights, as well as information about her books.

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An...

Last time, I talked about the virtue of making a plan. 

The situation isn’t good. Bad conflict is brewing. You have decided that it’s time for a chat.

You want this chat to be productive. So how do you set up for success? One way to work through the set-up is to break it down.   Why?  Who? When? How? Where? What? 

       Excellent. You have made a plan. A good one. 

Oops.  As plans do, this one is about to fall apart. Something – or a few things – have changed. 

Now wh...

Let’s imagine for a moment that you have decided that it’s time for a conversation, chat, or discussion.

One way to work through the set-up is to break it down.  Why?  Who? When? How? Where? What? 

Giving careful thought to the planning process gives a boost to the probability of success. 

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at jb@dovetailresolutions.com! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator...