Crafting Solutions to Conflict

Agreement without alignment.  Most obviously, I can agree to something but really, truly do not want to do it. What could help? For the other person (or people) to recognize that I don’t like it. To be respectful. To allow me to have a voice, before the agreement is crafted. To consider – if it is worth it to the others – if there are ways to make the agreement more palatable.

Another possibility is that I genuinely don’t understand the agreement.  What to do? Prevention! Make it possible – easy, even – for someone to say, “I don’t understand”.  Do...

I was recently reminded of the value of talking less and listening more. There are plenty of variations on that theme.Whichever way it is phrased, it’s worth putting into practice.

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

Enjoy the show for free on your...

Matt Wesley joins me on the show today. We talk about his work with families, fostering resilience over generations. We discuss the concept of family culture, the power of grace, and the distinction between fate and destiny.

You can learn more about his work and explore resources and writings at his company website:

https://www.ascendfamilyadvisory.com/

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn mor...

Last time, I said a few words about the concept of “satisficing”.  Herbert Simon, a Nobel Prize winner for Economics, coined the term decades ago. It’s

a combination of satisfy and suffice. It’s tempting to embrace maximizing – if I look long and hard enough, I will find the best possible option. But there is a cost.

How does the concept of satisficing apply to conflict? Different ways.  

First, we can get frustrated if events, people, or relationships are not rolling out as we wish they were, in our ideal world.

We can cons...

Herbert Simon coined the term “satisficing” – a combination of satisfy and suffice. It’s easy to think that the best way to make decisions is to search for the very best option.  If we look carefully and take plenty of time, we will find it. This approach is called maximizing. Simon believed this was the wrong approach. Not necessarily obvious on the face of it. But he understood that the searching itself had a cost, a cost that’s easy to overlook.  In contrast to maximizing, satisficing calls on us to consider a few alternatives, evaluate them, perhaps get some advice...

Jay Hughes returns to the show to talk with me about the new book he co-authored with Mary Duke and Stacey Allred, Family Flourishing: The True Meaning of Wealth. We talk about his abiding interest in wealth as well-being, some of his insights on history and philosophy, and practical ideas that any family can put into practice.

Jay refers to the book Homo Ludens (A Study of the Play-Element in Culture) by the Dutch cultural historian and philosopher Johan Huizinga, which translates literally from the Latin as "man the player" or "man at play". (The book Man...

When we are in a situation that is mildly unsettling, a little dicey, possibly heading toward a nasty conflict, we can assume the worst about the other person, the situation, and/or ourselves. That assumption does not serve us well.

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janeb...

Last time, I talked a bit about the meaning of the “attention economy”, a term coined over fifty years ago by Herbert Simon, a Nobel prize winner for economics. The idea is that human focus is a limited natural resource. From a conflict perspective, quick thinking rarely serves us well.

So, what do we do?

First, as with many things, recognize what is going on in ourselves.

Second, once we are aware of a growing tendency to embrace speed, we can be more conscious of the value of slowing down. 

Third, we ca...

The “attention economy” is a term coined over fifty years ago by Herbert Simon, a Nobel prize winner for economics. The idea is that human focus is a limited natural resource. Speedy, reactive thinking is prioritized by our brains when we are exposed to it again and again. And rewarded, in a number of ways, for diving into it.  This type of thinking, reactive and not especially deliberate, patient, or careful, becomes more and more comfortable. And the slower, truly thoughtful and contemplative type of thinking is used less. A type of thinking that took more effort to begin with...

Over time, I have come to see my podcast as a way to give back. Through my own content, I can share what I have learned so far. And I can continue to learn and to share even more.   My guests are … no one word sums them up.Insightful is the closest. 

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Confli...

Rana Gujral joins me to talk about his book, The AI Instinct: The Future of AI and Human Decision-Making. We discuss whether we humans are paying attention to the right things when we consider our relationship with AI and whether our fear of what we don’t know gets in the way of that. We talk about challenge of cognitive drift, the problem of oracle worship, and what we forfeit with a loss of friction. 

You can learn more about the book here: https://www.theaiinstinct.com/. You can learn more about Rana’s work here:

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When we are stuck. At an impasse in a conflict. Or feeling that valued relationships are at risk of falling apart. Or paralyzed because we don’t know how to broach the topic that is percolating under the surface. 

We can benefit from looking back, in order to move forward. 

We have all heard that hindsight is 20/20. We can actually embrace that idea and use the advantage of hindsight to help us figure out our next, positive steps.

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question abou...

Sometimes, the idea of the journey and the destination can be taken too far. Better: when a group needs to make a decision, that decision-making process can be, if not as important as the ultimate decision, a profound influence on the interpersonal relationships. In a professional context, the best advisors are those who continue the journey to learn, grow, and evolve. 

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my...

Progress that is -- not “success”. It can be essential to focus on progress, instead of success – however success might be defined. Think about markers of progress. If we focus on progress, and not success, it can be easier to see positive signs. And seeing them can motivate anyone involved to continue working on the problem.

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a C...

Polina Rabinovich Crottty joins me to talk about her journey from fairly traditional work in wealth management to her co-founding of Generations Aligned with Matthew Rezac, where they provide coaching, facilitation, retreats, and workshops for families where something is longing to shift. 

We touch on how her early life experience, moving to the U.S. from Russia as the Soviet Union collapsed, informed her initial views about money, her training in Compassionate Inquiry™ and in the Family Constellation framework.

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about con...

Flames suggest bad conflict, the destructive kind. Sparks suggest the good kind: the type that inspires creative thinking, effective collaboration, daring innovation. 

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https...

Different opinions, approaches, priorities, and expectations are exactly that: different. None is necessarily wrong. If a group starts out in agreement on the destination and the route, many small decisions remain. When a group finds itself dealing with those many decisions along the way, their decision-making process will likely determine their success or failure. 

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Ce...

Kursten Faller joins me to discuss the book he co-authored with Alan Weiss, The Hidden Project Drivers”: Building Behavior that Drives Success.”

We talk about creativity, innovation, and “optimizing friction”.You can learn more about Kursten from his LinkedIn profile and on his website: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kf-midgard/ and 

https://kurstenfaller.com/

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator...

Looking outward, it can be tempting to jump to conclusions about the unconscious bias we might assign to other people. 

We can make assumptions about what we know about their upbringing, how they look, who they spend time with, where they live, what we think we know about them. 

Better to resist that temptation. Unconscious bias can and does cause damage. A downward spiral where I assume the worst in you and encourage you to do the same about me has no winners. 

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or gue...

Mental shortcuts, such as bias, are essential to our survival.

Understanding that unconscious bias is a mental shortcut makes it easier to examine it in ourselves, instead of simply rejecting the idea that we might harbor it. If it’s a moral failing, well, clearly, I don’t want to admit that possibility about myself. 

If we are willing to look at ourselves, we can dig into what unconscious biases we may have. We can consider where they started. Without punishing judgment of ourselves or our early influences. 

My most recent guest, David Hoffma...

Interpersonal conflict can erupt unexpectedly. If it does, a firm foundation for the relationship can frequently prevent lasting harm from occurring.  People can find a way forward and not engage in earth-scorching behavior.

And, often, interpersonal conflict is simmering for a while before it comes to a boil.  It may be tempting to pretend it’s not happening. Or to know it’s happening and decide not to deal with it. 

But that lack of action can be a lack of prevention. 

Prevention of damage that might be minimized by effective conflict resolution but didn...

David Hoffman joins me to talk about his most recent book, The Art of Impasse-Breaking in Mediation.  David is well known in the conflict resolution field and the recipient of numerous well-deserved honors and awards.

 David takes us through the concept of impasse in mediation, an introduction to the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model, and insights on how we can recognize and more effectively deal with unconscious bias.

You can learn more about David’s work at the Boston Law Collaborative website:https://blc.law/ If you click on his profile page, you will learn abou...

It can feel easy to tote up the costs of having a difficult conversation about something important. It can seem overwhelming. It’s tempting to decide that we should just live with the status quo.

We should add up the costs of doing nothing. 

And then compare the costs. 

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINER...

The spaces we spend time in either stress or calm us. Or maybe they feel fully neutral. Our day-to-day setpoint in the environment where we live our lives sets us up for conflict prevention and resolution “readiness”. 

We can easily overlook the environment we are in precisely because we live in it.  Taking a moment to step back and really think about the spaces we inhabit can help reduce stress and encourage a sense of calm. When we do that, we are helping ourselves to be better equipped to avoid unnecessary conflicts and to more easily handle those...

Sarah Walker joins me to talk about the role that our homes play in our day-to-day wellbeing. Sarah describes how interior design can support rest, focus, and recovery in our homes.  And we talk about planning for the evolution that families go through over time and how to plan spaces that will be welcoming to all generations, whether short-term visitors, permanent residents, and in-between. 

       You can learn more about Sarah’s work – and see some beautiful spaces – at https://nuanceinteriors.com/. You can follow her company on Instagram here: @nuanceinteriors.  She can be found on LinkedIn here:  https://www.linke...

We’ve been encouraged to embrace active listening. Sure. But we need to be genuine, not engaging in actions or behaviors that aren’t ours. 

It’s not helpful to adopt gestures that we have been told to use, yet feel foreign to us. 

      Not only do you run the risk that I will see through your acting, but some of your focus will be devoted to the acting – not to the actual listening.

       What should we do?

       Of course, look at someone when they are speaking, but don’t stare them down. 

       Of...

Why quit while you are behind? Because if you continue the fight, you may dig a deeper hole for yourself. Possibilities for a small loss can become a bigger one when those with the upper hand become angry or frustrated. Because you may say or do things that brand you a sore loser. Because the sting of the experience can become greater for the other person without lessening your own pain.

And if you will be in a continuing relationship, consider what you can learn from this loss. There can be similar disagreements down the road. Can...

It’s not always easy to quit while you are ahead. But, when ongoing relationships matter, it’s worth the effort.

How to do it? First, keep a laser focus on the prize. Not the peripheral issues. Let them go. Next, think ahead of time how the “win” might roll out. Consider, individually and within a faction, how to respond – including by saying nothing. Adopt a long view.  Try to accept a win graciously. Allow everyone to move on. When emotions are high, keep words and actions in check, and allow some healing to begin. 

Do you have...

Sherri Noxel joins me today to talk about the challenges of family farms. These family businesses encounter the familiar ones – including the role of nonfamily employees, succession planning, and addressing legacy issues. They also face circumstances not commonly found in other industries, most importantly, their special connection to the land where they work and, frequently, also live.

You can learn more about Sherri and her work here:  https://www.enterprisinggenerations.com/

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at ...

We can have very different views about 

charitable giving and that can lead to conflict.

Magic, easy answers will be elusive. But a few reminders can help. Know your own priorities and values and be true to them.

      First, don’t be the passionate supporter who becomes the pushy one. If you are on the receiving end of the pushiness, you can decline politely – and completely. Or you can choose to give a more modest amount; in some situations –especially alumni giving – the percentage of eligible donors who contribute is important.

      If the cause is one...

Fundamentally, it’s best to avoid a conflict.  We are not required to form judgments about other people’s spending. We can let that go and focus on other things. And if we do form judgments, we can keep them to ourselves.

Both because we don’t know everything and because it’s not our job to judge. 

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a m...

We can have attitudes about other people’s income sources.  And we can consider if and how we share our thoughts. Going back to my most recent guest, Natalie WagnerWillis: we need to be clear on our own priorities and values. How they apply to us internally, and how they connect us to others. Just labelling the other perspectives as wrong is unhelpful. Better to have both a clear understanding of one’s one perspective and an openness to learning about the perspectives of others.

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea...

Natalie WagnerWillis is my guest.  Natalie is a certified money coach and Finologist. Her father, Dick Wagner, was the original Finologist. Natalie shares her origin story and how she has developed and refined her own understanding of how we can better understand our internal relationship with money andour connection with the rest of the world through the exchange of money. 

You can learn more about Natalie’s work, try a money type quiz, and more at her website: https://vitalfinancials.com/ .  You can find Natalie on LinkedIn here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/natalie-wagnerwillis-bb31502b/

Do you...

The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals offers this definition: “Collaborative Practice is a voluntary dispute resolution process in which parties settle without resort to litigation.”  “Each party must be represented by a lawyer whose representation terminates upon the undertaking of any contested court proceeding.” https://www.collaborativepractice.com/

On the face of it, this sounds a lot like mediation. How is it different? Most important, mediation involves an impartial third party, a mediator. Attorneys may or may not be present. In Collaborative Practice, there is no mediator. And attorneys are always present. In fact, the key point is that ev...

From the website of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals: “Collaborative Practice is a voluntary dispute resolution process in which parties settle without resort to litigation.”  The key point:  “Each party must be represented by a lawyer whose representation terminates upon the undertaking of any contested court proceeding.” That written agreement is essential. https://www.collaborativepractice.com/

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator an...

Peter Johnson joins me today. We talk about his book, The Little Book of Family Treasure: Building Family Connection, Well-Being, and Legacy.

And Peter explains how collaborative practice, more commonly known in the field of divorce, brings great value to the area of trusts and estates. 

You can learn more about Peter’s work here: https://pwjohnson.com/

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and m...

Problems start when we make false assumptions about entire generations, entire cohorts, and the individuals we meet who fall into one of them.

So, what to do about it?

First, recognize what we are doing. Next, take a moment to consider why people in that generation or cohort might tend to have the viewpoints they do. 

Consider how you can take into account this different perspective.

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me kn...

We hear plenty of stereotypes about generations. In cohort theory, the emphasis is not on rigid boundaries set by birth years, but on shared experiences. Generations and cohorts themselves don’t necessarily get us into trouble. False assumptions do.

Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

En...

David Russell joins me today. We talk about his book, Bridging the Generational Divide: Generational Perspectives on Money. David says that his book is intended as a guide for advisors who are navigating family wealth, values, and conversations across generations. 

       I say that it has valuable insights for anyone interested in these challenges. Advisors who are not financial advisors, family members, and others.

       One of my favorite takeaways is the idea that our perspective is shaped not only by our age in years, but also by life events and world events. 

       You can reach David at his w...

The direct ones are, well, direct. They are easy to see. Who wouldn’t be offended?  Indirect triggers are trickier. 

If I know the other person well, I may have a good guess at their indirect triggers. I can try not to create problems. I can consider those indirect triggers when I speak or don’t – or act or don’t.

If I don’t know the other person well, and I inadvertently hit an indirect trigger, I may know immediately, or not so soon. I could just assume that the other person is overreacting for no reaso...