That Darn History

Hold onto your ear holes, kids. This year’s got more crazy than you can shake a pop festival at. From January tornadoes to coronal mass ejections. You read that right. They're a thing. Fish rain. Fake Soviet attacks. Rock and roll tulip auctions.  A spy who became a famous prisoner. A Tibbs who became a famous line. Laughing in. Ferocious Bonnie and flaccid Clyde. A sergeant with a band full of lonely hearts. A groundbreaking heart surgeon with forty-six of ‘em. The first ATM. Yes. Tune in. Turn on. And drop whatever you’re doing. You won’t wanna mis...

Who knew Thomas Edison and elephants didn’t mix? And forget that Niagara Honeymoon. It’s dry as a bone. Teddy Roosevelt ends up in every tot's nursery. Sort of. Houdini escapes an Amsterdam jail. Naked. On purpose. Some dandy spends $8000 to drive across the U.S. to win a $50 bet. Lincoln’s ghost haunts the White House. Satan’s in the attic. And somebody’s making bank selling eye glasses to chickens. This year is kind of embarrassed with itself. But the better for us. Open those ear holes wide and let the fun pour in.   

Hold onto your Spinning Jennies. This year had inline skates and Daniel Boone! Yes! A patriot who couldn’t be killed. Couples’ romantic futures settled in a closed sack. Posh women strolling around with frigates in their hair.  Start of the Industrial Revolution? More like a Crazy Coup! Tell your ears they’re in for something special. The year history needed a vacation from. 

You’ve been longing for a year with famous monsters, old men marrying young women, fizzy drinks, bridge jumping and international bicycling? Well, your wish is our command. It’s here. It’s 1886. In all it’s ridiculous glory. From the first car to the first hole puncher. Your ears are gonna be so happy.  

Some years just can’t get enough of themselves. And this one’s textbook. How about all the stunt plane high jinx? Niagara Falls crazies? An armless musician making good? A long-dead outlaw in a fun house? The first motion picture to feature a grown man’s winky? And that’s just for starters. Lucky thing this year’s an overachiever. Hit “play” and have at it. 

Sure, the war was over. But history can’t wait. Rope climbing champions. The first soap opera nobody remembers. A classic Christmas movie - in May! A royal wedding. A spruce goose. See that sound barrier? Let’s break it. You got a puppet? We’ll give it a TV show. Hey! How about making a phone call from a car to an airplane? Okay! Hold on! Is this some kind of delirious fever dream? No! It’s 1947. And it’s not apologizing for itself. 

Oh, so you think it’s just another wacky old year? Well, you’re right! The terribly sensational Cherry Sisters! Edison releases the first film! And the first thing to watch it on. How about a seven-hour boxing match? Yikes! The first open heart surgery? And no anesthesia! Crazy! Bulldogging! Pepsi Cola is invented! It’s enough to make another year jealous. 

Some years think they have it over 1937! Well, wait a minute.  Prince Valiant, the comic strip? Daffy Duck, the cartoon character? The Hindenburg? You want more? Okay! The invention of the shopping cart! SPAM? More? Bra cup sizes finally determined! Had enough? Well, there’s a lot more. Including the debut of a little thing called “television.” This isn’t just another 1937. 

Talk about your nutty years: The New York Times claims rockets will never fly! Prohibition! Women get the right to vote! They outlaw mailing children! About time! And, finally, the Spanish Flu ends! Don’t want to get another one of those! And let’s not forget about the sainthood of Joan of Arc? That’s a hot one! Get it? 

What a year! Fish fingers! Canned Coke! Disneyland! McDonald’s! Peter pan on TV? You got it! A polio vaccine? It’s all here! Sit back, open your ear holes and enjoy the heck out of it! 

Wait a minute? There was interesting stuff that far back? Sure! Scotland stopped using March 25th as New Year’s Day. Silly Scots! Shakespeare fave, Will Kemp, dances from London to Norwich. Influencer of his day. An 80 year war. Well, it’s hard to get these things right. Sumo wrestling becomes a sport. You know you were wondering when that happened. Yes! A crazy, nutty year! 

Nothing like a year full of killer robots, hockey mergers and the newly invented Happy Meal. You want more? Okay! Sky Lab falling out of space? How’s that? Victoria Secret is born? Woo-woo! Three Mile Island going all China Syndrome? Not to Mention the Sony Walkman is born. There’s so much! This year is chock full! Pace yourself or you might get calendaritis! 

Sure, you think it’s just another year. Then there’s: Teddy Roosevelt shaking 8000 hands. Houdini sewed into a giant football. Shipwrecks. Train wrecks. The Nimrod Expedition. And Christmas is finally legalized! Just when you thought this was a year you could ignore. 

Michigan becomes a state. People try to kill Queen Victoria. Russia’s Winter Palace becomes a hot nightspot. Photography gets a shot. No pun intended. Martin Van Buren-who? You know, the new president! And Oliver Twist is delivered to the world, serialized in a magazine. But that’s just scratching the surface. This is a year what is a year!