Two Open Doors
Two Open Doors is dedicated to exploring the many sides of deep personal relationship. We explore how relationship works; the range of relationship, from everyday to intimate; how we can understand and grow our personal capacity for relationship; how to identify and deal with relationship blockers; and how to make deep human connection a central part of your own life. Host Dr. Claude shares his insights, and invites guest presenters and listeners to contribute their perspectives. Please join us! New weekly episodes are usually published on Sundays. You may also want to check out the companion private Facebook group at h...
Episode 5-12: New Directions
Over the course of 175 weekly episodes spanning three and a half years, Two Open Doors has been exploring the many different facets of deep human connection. Those episodes have focused on the nature of intimate relationship, how sexuality really works to support human connection, the many ways in which society interacts with individuals to shape relationships, and many other important topics.
While I continue to see deep connection as a foundation for a healthy society, as well as a compass for my own personal evolution, the audience for the Two Open Doors perspective remains small. In recognition of...
Episode 5-11: Worldview, Sex Positivity, and Intimacy Positivity
In our last two episodes, we’ve been exploring the outlooks that several major religions and worldviews hold regarding the human body, sexuality, relationships, and what is taken as constituting “proper” living. In the course of that review, we’ve discerned both similarities and significant differences between those belief systems.
In this episode, we’ll return to our original goal of trying to understand how each of our subject belief systems views to important life-orientations: sex positivity, and intimacy positivity. Those two attitudes or orientations hold the key to a great deal of either satis...
Episode 5-10: Worldview, Relationships, and "Proper" Living
In our previous episode titled “Worldview, Body, and Sex”, we took a look at how a number of the most prevalent religions and worldviews perceive the human body and human sexuality. We also reviewed how each of these belief systems embraces differing levels of acceptance, or restriction, of the expression of believers’ sexuality.
In this episode, we’ll again consider the same set of belief systems, but this time focusing on how they position marriage, sexual expression and intimacy. We’ll also see how those systems’ attitudes color what each system considers to be a “proper” lifestyle.
Dr. Claude Cr...
Episode 5-9: Worldview, the Body, and Sex
In our episode titled “Intimacy Positivity”, we considered the well-established concept of sex positivity, in which an individual holds a generally positive and receptive perspective on sex. I also introduced my notion of intimacy positivity, which describes an attitude of openness and welcoming of intimate emotional connection.
In the next several episodes, we’ll step back to look at how worldview can promote or undermine these two forms of positivity. We’ll start by considering views on the body and sex, in this episode. In the following two episodes, we’ll then look at views on relationship and on lifest...
Episode 5-8: Intimacy Positivity
In many episodes, Two Open Doors has referred to “sex positivity”, which in essence is a personal orientation in which a person is inclined to see sex in a generally positive light. Having such an attitude can free a person from much of the inappropriate sex-based shame, fear and repression that is all too common in our rather Puritanical society.
In this episode, I’d like to propose a variation on sex positivity, which I refer to as “intimacy positivity”. We humans thrive on intimacy, which is every bit as important to us as is sexual...
Episode 5-7: Tone in Intimate Relationships
In thinking recently about what sets apart truly noteworthy intimate relationships from functional but less unusual ones, I was reminded of the widely-held observation that “It’s the little things that count”. I believe that applies in the realm of deeply-connected relationships, as in many other aspects of life.
In this episode, we’ll examine the idea that relationships are marked by an accompanying tone; each relationship has a feel to it. Some are easy and nurturing and energizing, while others are more challenging and perhaps less rewarding. We’ll consider some of the reasons for this.
...Episode 5-6: "Invitation Culture"
For those who understand and practice sex-positivity, one of the familiar themes within that community is what is usually referred to as “consent culture”. That term describes a community that is founded on mutual consent to enter into relationship as one of the fundamental traits of sex-positivity.
While consent is indeed an essential element of sex-positivity, I’d like to propose that there is a different though related perspective and set of behavioral norms that is even broader than “consent culture”. In this episode, we’ll explore what I like to think of as “invitation cultu...
Episode 5-5: Detachment
The Two Open Doors perspective on relationships is focused on prompting the understanding of, and support for, deep human connection. Our motivating belief is that centering rich and abundant intimate connections in one’s life is essential to enjoying an emotionally satisfying life.
In this episode, we’ll gain insight into deep connection, by examining its opposite: detachment. We’ll consider how detachment can occur, and we’ll take a look at its possible consequences. We’ll close by considering how the risk of detachment can be minimized.
Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship...
Episode 5-4: Fantasy and Imagination in Sex
As we’ve noted in many prior episodes, human sexuality involves much more than just physiology. Sex is a multi-dimensional experience that involves the body, mind, emotions and spirit (or a sense of transcendence).
In this episode, we’ll consider how fantasy plays into sexual experiences. We’ll take a look at some of the many forms that sexual fantasy can take, and we’ll consider the roles that fantasy can play within the scope of “real life” overall. As we’ll see, fantasy can powerfully enhance deep human connections.
Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship...
Episode 5-3: "Free Love"
Those of us who lived through or are otherwise acquainted with the 1960s are well-acquainted with the term “free love”. That might immediately conjure up images of hippies frolicking at Woodstock. The reality, though, is that there’s more to this term than meets the eye.
In this episode, we’ll examine what free love is about, including its goals and its long history, which includes many incarnations. As we’ll see, it’s an idea that shouldn’t be lightly dismissed.
Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship and intimacy coach based in the Portland, OR area. He holds...
Episode 5-2: The Reality of Jealousy
Anyone who has been involved in an intimate relationship has almost certainly experienced the “green-eyed monster”: jealousy. That emotion can be almost overpowering, driving a person to do things and make choices that they would never entertain in their more lucid and stable moments.
In this episode, we’ll consider the nature and origins of jealousy, and we’ll explore how it can affect both monogamous and multi-partner intimate relationships. We’ll then go on to suggest some ways to manage this strong emotion, so that it doesn’t work to our disadvantage.
Dr. Claude Cruz...
Episode 5-1: Healthy Generosity
As we’ve noted previously, such as in Episode 4-24 titled “Becoming Love-able”, generosity is an important quality that reflects a lover’s caring for their beloved. Acts of generosity allow a person to not only demonstrate how they feel about their intimate partners, but also to provide tangible support for those partners.
In this episode, we’ll consider that giving needs to be done thoughtfully, if it is to provide a healthy way to promote thriving and intimacy for both partners in a deeply-connected relationship.
Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship and intimacy coach based in the...
Episode 4-43: Awareness and Orgasm
Orgasm is an important event that can occur in the course of the human sexual response cycle, as we’ve noted in prior Two Open Doors episodes. While orgasm takes somewhat different forms in men and in women, in both sexes it’s the source of much potential relationship satisfaction, as well as pleasure.
In this episode, we’ll consider the role that awareness plays in promoting orgasm. Our conclusions will underscore why attunement is so important in intimate connections.
Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship and intimacy coach based in the Portland, OR area. He holds...
Episode 4-42: Women as Men's Allies
In our prior episode, we took a look at the many ways in which our patriarchal society disadvantages women and robs them of their right to live a life co-equal to men. We then went on to identify a number of ways in which the men who care for those women can take action to improve this situation.
In this episode, we’ll consider the other side of the coin: how men also suffer under the patriarchy (despite their seeming prospering), and how caring and supportive women can help bring more meaning and satisfaction into men’s lives. ...
Episode 4-41: Men as Women's Allies
In numerous prior episodes, we’ve looked at various consequences of the reality that ours is a patriarchal culture. For example, we’ve noted that women are frequently objectified or treated as less-than by many men, who are accustomed to filling most of the positions of power in our society.
In this episode, we’ll consider how men who believe in a more equitable partitioning of power can serve as allies to women, to help offset the current power imbalance.
Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship and intimacy coach based in the Portland, OR area. He hold...
Episode 4-30: The Most Damaging Words
| In thinking about what sorts of statements or attitudes have the potential for being most damaging to intimate relationships, I settle on two words: “I want”.
In this episode, I’ll explain the basis for my belief.
Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship and intimacy coach based in the Portland, OR area. He holds a PhD in Human Sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality (IASHS), as well as a Professional Sex Coach certification from Sex Coach U. Dr. Claude is passionate about promoting and supporting deep human connection. He develops and delivers w...
Episode 4-39: Loving Softly
I recently refreshed and enhanced the content of my 2016 book titled “Loving Softly”. That book focuses on how someone who wishes to live a life of deep connection with significant others might relate to those others as a lover. I refer to such a lifestyle preference as Living Softly.
Expressing one’s love is a facet of living in relationship, which is the purview of my Two Open Doors perspective on how relationship works. In turn, relationship is a facet of a broader life that’s focused on community and the pursuit of...
Episode 4-38: Women's Power
In our patriarchal society, women are often thought of as less-than in comparison with men. Power and its attendant benefits flow preferentially to men, as is demonstrated by persistent pay inequality. It might seem as if women are trapped in the role of second-class citizens.
Despite these appearances, I would like to suggest that women are in fact the holders of great power. In this episode, I’ll present some evidence for my views, and I’ll suggest some ways in which women can exercise their power for the good of society.
Dr. Claude Cruz is a re...
Episode 4-37: Trauma and Relationship
Trauma, which is a negative event that can adversely affect one’s physical, mental, emotional or spiritual well-being, is a commonplace occurrence in life. There are probably few people who have not experienced significant traumatic events in their lives.
In this episode, we’ll take a look as some of the common sources of trauma, and we’ll then see what kinds of damage those can cause. We will then consider how suffering trauma can negatively affect both one’s relationships, and one’s capacity for participating in intimate relationships.
Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship...
Episode 4-36: Filling the Gap
Intimacy, both physical and emotional, is a major theme in many peoples’ lives. We all want love, and on some level we all realize that conspicuous consumption is no satisfactory substitute for warm and intimate human connection.
This episode entertains the reality that despite the recognized importance placed on love, our society provides few useful and reliable resources to help people find love. That leaves a huge and very impactful gap. Filling that gap is precisely the mission of Two Open Doors. Here, we’ll explore both the problem, and how we work to address it.
Dr. Cla...
Episode 4-35: Religious Trauma
Many people grow up in an environment that includes some sort of religious experience. In many cases, that experience can be a source of significant meaning in a person’s life. Religious life can provide community, with its sharing of unifying beliefs and values, and its support for effective social action. In other cases, though, participation in a religion can traumatize its members.
In this episode, we’ll explore how religion exerts power over a person’s life, and we’ll see how abuse of that power can create trauma. Those considerations can then serve as a guide for ho...
Episode 4-34: Demisexuality
There’s a word that’s fairly well-known and understood in the sex-positive and polyamory communities, but which is relatively unknown in society at large: demisexual. In this episode, we’ll explore what it means to be demisexual, and in the course of doing so, we’ll gain a broader understanding of how sexual attraction works.
Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship and intimacy coach based in the Portland, OR area. He holds a PhD in Human Sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality (IASHS), as well as a Professional Sex Coach certifica...
Episode 4-33: Why Is Sex Fun?
The American physiologist Jared Diamond (author of the well-known book Guns, Germs and Steel) has written an intriguing book on the evolution of human sexuality, titled “Why Is Sex Fun?” That work examines the role of evolutionary biology in shaping human sexuality.
In this episode, I’d like to pursue a related but perhaps somewhat broader topic: an examination of why intimacy is satisfying. That topic includes sex as a source of human pleasure, but it goes beyond that to also include emotional connection as a source of satisfaction.
Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship and inti...
Episode 4-32: A Life of Deep Connection
Valuing and seeking intimacy in one’s life is not a trivial or superficial thing. Rather, it is a life-orientation that encompasses personal preparation, active pursuit and nurturing of deep emotional connections, and a willingness to evolve along with one’s relationships.
In this episode, we’ll review the “life-cycle that all relationships undergo, and then we’ll examine what it takes to create a life in which intimate relationships play a central role.
Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship and intimacy coach based in the Portland, OR area. He holds a PhD in Human Sexuality f...
Episode 4-31: Sexual Trauma and Sex-Positivity
Sexual trauma is a grim reality for far too many people in our society. Sexual abuse or trauma can occur at any point in life, and it can affect both females and males. Its effects are both long-lasting and extensive.
In this episode, we’ll consider how such trauma can occur, as well as how it can affect one’s life. We’ll focus on some of those effects which manifest in the sex-positive community, and we’ll consider how to maximize the chances for trauma-healing for participants in that community.
Dr. Claude Cruz is a relations...
Episode 4-30: Why is Deep Connection So Hard?
As human beings, we all have a deep need to be loved and accepted. We long to be fully seen, understood and valued. Why, then, does it seem so hard for most people to slake this thirst for love?
In this episode, we’ll consider some of the societal factors that work against deep connection. We’ll also take a look at some of the possible personal factors that can drive individuals to reach out to others with love, and to open themselves to receive love from others. Our observations may suggest ways in which we can improve...
Episode 4-29: Relationship Killers
Relationship is a dance in which two partners constantly interact with each other. The health and satisfaction of a relationship depends on how each partner treats and perceives the other. In that dance, neither partner is passive; each powerfully influences the other, and shapes the course of their co-created relationship.
In this episode, we’ll identify and examine several behaviors and attitudes that can damage or even destroy an intimate relationship. By promoting awareness of these damaging factors, we can hopefully reduce the risk of our falling into these traps.
Dr. Claude Cruz is a relat...
Episode 4-28: Implications of the Patriarchy
In our popular social dialog, and in particular within the sex-positive community, there are frequent and sometimes-heated discussions about “the patriarchy”. What is that “hot-button” topic about?
In this episode, we’ll explore what the patriarchy is, as well as how patriarchal beliefs can affect those who live in our society. We’ll also touch on a possible alternative worldview to the patriarchy.
Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship and intimacy coach based in the Portland, OR area. He holds a PhD in Human Sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality (IASHS), as well as a P...
Episode 4-27: The Power of Attunement
One of the central factors in achieving intimate connection is a sense of presence between the two partners. When that prevails, each member of the couple knows that they are foremost in the consciousness of their partner. That mutual focus constitutes a sense of attunement.
In this episode, we’ll consider the nature of attunement, and we’ll see why that is so important to deep human connection.
Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship and intimacy coach based in the Portland, OR area. He holds a PhD in Human Sexuality from the Institute for Ad...
Episode 4-26: "Aging In"
Our society worships youth, even as it fears and tries to defy death. In this environment, entering mid-life or beyond is seen as a harbinger of doom, and a sure path for people to become increasingly irrelevant and undesirable.
In this episode, we’ll reconsider this prevalent perspective on aging, to show how myopic it is. As we’ll see, far from being a bad thing, becoming older can welcome us into a richer and deeper life.
Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship and intimacy coach based in the Portland, OR area. He holds a PhD in...
Episode 4-25: Creating "Us"
Every relationship involves two people who establish some sort of connection between them, be it physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, or some combination of those. At the root, relationships within larger groups are still comprised of multiple dyadic connections.
When one is in a relationship, the “me” that they represent is complemented by the “you” of one’s partner. In addition, though, the relationship includes a third entity: “us”. In this episode, we’ll explore the nature of “us”.
Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship and intimacy coach based in the Portland, OR area. He holds a PhD in Human...
Episode 4-24: Becoming Love-able
As humans, we all want to have love in our lives. That may mean somewhat different things to different people. Still, the need to feel seen, accepted and supported probably comes as close to being a universal human desire as any that we’re likely to find.
In this episode, we’ll explore how a person can invite love into their life. As we’ve noted in prior episodes, “love is a verb”: it’s something active, not passive. Love comes to those who have prepared themselves to both receive and give love.
Dr. Claude Cruz is a relati...
Episode 4-23: Incels
In the late 1990s, a new word came into the popular lexicon: “incel”, which is a contraction of the phrase “involuntary celibate”. The incel phenomenon seems to have continued to expand since then.
In this episode, we’ll examine the meaning of this term, with a focus on the underlying feelings and attitudes that accompany it. We’ll see why it’s a trend that’s noxious and damaging to society, especially by undermining social respect for women.
Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship and intimacy coach based in the Portland, OR area. He holds a...
Episode 4-22: Specialness
One of our sources of satisfaction in being in a loving relationship is the knowledge that we are special in the eyes of our lover. The resulting feelings of elation and contentment remind us of the preciousness of our relationship.
In this episode, we’ll consider why feeling special matters, and how it contributes to strengthening an intimate connection.
Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship and intimacy coach based in the Portland, OR area. He holds a PhD in Human Sexuality from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality (IASHS), as well as...
Episode 4-21: Living in Harmony
What happens when the initial rush of excitement and allure fades in a relationship? How do those usually-inevitable changes affect the course and evolution of the relationship? As we all know, all too often the fabric of the relationship starts to fray, perhaps causing the partners to move in different directions.
In this episode, we’ll focus on some attitudes and behaviors that can help preserve the health of an intimate relationship. While change is the norm in the course of a relationship, we’re not powerless in creating fertile soil for nurturing a relationship. If we so desir...
Episode 4-20: Making Connections in the Digital World
Nowadays, people who inhabit even moderately-advanced countries live in an “always-connected” world. Our mobile phones, tablets and Internet access provide essentially instant access to people scattered across the globe. This pervasive connectivity affects how we establish deep connections with others. Internet-based apps enable us to find and communicate with potential kindred spirits, both locally and across large areas. We can now “fish” for prospective intimate partners in a “pool” that’s much larger than what was available to prior generations.
In this episode, we’ll explore how this global, always-available connectivity affects how we date and find intimate partners. W...
Episode 4-19: Spring/Winter Relationships
Most intimate relationships are created by partners who share a similar age, socioeconomic standing, and lifestyle. There are, however, examples of deep connections that exist between partners who are quite different from one another, at least as seen by an outside observer.
In this episode, we’ll consider one such possible atypical combination: that between partners who differ significantly in age. We’ll consider what such relationships might offer, what challenges they present, and how they tend to be viewed by society.
Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship and intimacy coach based in the Portland, OR area...
Episode 4-18: The Power of Authenticity
In many previous episodes, we’ve noted that self-knowledge is a central pillar for the ability to form healthy relationships. Self-knowledge enables a person to set relationship goals that are appropriate for them, and it also encompasses a clear understanding of one’s boundaries and desires.
In this episode, we’ll take a look at a related concept, specifically that of authenticity. As we’ll see, authenticity is the result of living one’s life in accord with a self-knowledge-based understanding of one’s true nature.
Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship and intimacy coach...
Episode 4-17: The Importance of Touch
The sense of touch is one of the richest channels through which we humans connect with our world and with other people. It’s what underlies so-called “haptic” (or touch-based) communication. Beyond conveying a wealth of information, touch is also a powerful vehicle for validating and providing support between people.
In this episode, we’ll explore the nature of touch, to understand why it plays such a central role in our lives as embodied creatures. We’ll also delineate several rather different kinds of touch, which are differentiated by the function or purpose that each serves.
Episode 4-16: Sex in Midlife and Beyond
Ours is a very youth-focused society. In America, perhaps more so than in other Western societies, I see a tendency to focus on the diminishment that comes with age--- while ignoring or downplaying the possible benefits and satisfactions that can accompany a long life well-lived.
In this episode, we’ll consider how this focus affects social perspectives on sex and intimacy. We’ll see how making negative assumptions about our enjoyment of sex in our later years can reduce our quality of life, at a time when our deepened understanding of how relationships work offers us the potent...
