The Dorota Diaries: A Gossip Girl Podcast

The thing is, Upper East Siders, sometimes you just gotta bet on yourself even if the board thinks you're crazy. Can't relate? Yeah...us either. In today's episode, Blair and Chuck are after the same photograph at Sotheby's, and neither of them will rest until they get exactly what they want. Meanwhile, Serena seeks to teach these two freaks a lesson because they are trying to sabotage her relationship with Carter, who she is now completely in love with. That was fast. 

Speaking of fast, Georgina and Dan are hot and heavy, but Dan wants to be j...

Pack up those boxes, Upper East Siders, cuz we are moving into the dorms! This is new territory for our Queen B as she tries to make her mark as queen of campus by throwing fish parties and giving away gift bags with Tiffany's jewelry inside? Yeah, we don't really understand it either. She's in her flop era. Speaking of flop, Serena is packing a bunch of bikinis to go to Brown, but will she actually go to Rhode Island? Unless Rhode Island is in Manhattan, I don't think she's making that 5 o'clock train at Penn Station. In a...

Summer is coming to an end for our ultra-rich pals, and this descriptor now includes the Humphrey family. Yes, that Humphrey family. Move over, van der Woodsen crew! There's new sheriff in town and his name is Rufus, and things under his control are going as terribly as you can imagine. Lily needs to get her ass back to town to help with all these dang kids!

Serena is back from galavanting around the world on bar tops and ashrams with *gasp* a mystery gentleman companion. Blair and Chuck are cute as hell, but playing creepy sex...

Vitamin C tried her darndest, but she could never have prepared us for THIS graduation. It's time we bid adieu to the Constance Billard-St. Jude Class of 2009. Serena declares war on Gossip Girl after she gifts all of our pals with superlatives that really weren't that bad? We're still confused as to why this, of all acts, is what sends Serena over the edge. 

Meanwhile, Chuck continues to run away from Blair's loving embrace. Our girl is tough, but how much more can she really take of this torture?! We know our hearts simply cannot do this m...

Put that Porsche top down, cuz we are cruising down a Malibu highway! It's 1983, y'all. For some reason, the penultimate episode of season 2 is primarily dedicated to finding out why Lily is the way she is. And, you guessed it, it's because she had shitty parents and no sense of stability in her formative years! Join us as we fully immerse ourselves in a cartoon version of the 80s and help us mourn the spinoff that never was. 

In the present: prison, prom, and princesses - oh my! Will S get out of jail? Will B be P...

Samantha James once said: "Forgiveness is more than saying sorry." Georgina, are you listening, girl? 'Cuz Samantha is right!!

G is back, and she is on an apology tour sponsored by Jesus. Blair won't accept her apologies, but she WILL accept her help in revenge conning that raggedy ol' Poppy and her geriatric-looking boyfriend! The Non-Judging Breakfast Club™ is back together and my god does it feel so good. Serena and Lily are at odds about how to deal with the Satellites O'er Africa scandal, and we know from history that this may not turn out very we...

Gabriel and Poppy are BACK on the Upper East Side to shake things up by taking advantage of a pathetic middle-aged former rockstar and a beautiful teenager who is not exactly known for her common sense skills. You know who does have common sense? Queen B! She's onto that shady southerner Gabriel and is on a mission to FIND HIS SECRETS. Dan's writing mentor would be so proud of her. In less important news, Nate and Chuck try to claim their territory with Blair (gross), Dan ain't gettin' into Yale (sad), and Georgina returns (ominous). And what the hell...

Baruch Atah Ay Dios Mio! This episode is absolutely hilarious—we swear it! Serena is back from Espana, now a married teenager to a man who is at least 30 years old. Blair has, for some reason, given up on college altogether and her aspirations have pivoted to that of a junior committee member and a bridesmaid? Dan is a cater-waiter (and not a very good one). Nate is beefing (again) with the van der Bilt family. Jenny is beefing with Chuck (100% makes sense). Perhaps the rain in Spain does indeed stay mainly on the plain. Uncork the Rioja, Upper Ea...

You are cordially invited to Jenny's Super Sweet 16 Party! Wait, this is a birthday? We had no idea because Serena didn't tell us. Serena is trying to get herself back on the map by throwing a party for Jenny, as she's been too busy being a teenager (the horror!) while Poppy Lifton has been climbing the social ladder that S left behind. Meanwhile, there's trouble in paradise for Nate and Vanessa (RIP), much to Blair's excitement. As they say in 2009, you know how that ended up for 'ol Brad and Jennifer. Good luck, V! Long live Angelina (all according...

Blair's crashout is still underway, Upper East Siders. It's very entertaining to watch our very own B shed her uptight skin just a little bit, but it begs the question, Where the heck is her mother?

In other news, the van der Bilt's family reunion weekend is happening and Nate is convinced by Vanessa, Dan, and his cousin, Tripp, to attend. Grandfather finally has Nate back in his manipulative little paws again and tries to all of a sudden pretend like he is proud of him and didn't just spend half the year allowing him to live...

Clear your calendars, Upper East Siders. We're heading to the theater! We have front row seats to the calamity that is the students of Constance Billard-St. Jude's ruining up-and-coming director, Julian's, vision of "The Age of Innocence". This would have never happened with Mary Jane Watson at the helm. Meanwhile, Ms. Carr continues to infuriate us, Rufus, and NOW even Dan. Some good news: we are pretty sure Vanessa's documentary about this hilarious process will get her into Cannes. Let's see if she can get tickets for us and a few of our closest friends (aka y'all). 

S...

That ol' bat Ms. Carr is at it again, Upper East Siders! We have reached our limit with Cornflower Mary, and we kid you not, she gets worse with every scene. Someone send this predator to Rikers! In just one episode, this lady's actions got the Constance-St. Jude's Parent Council schlepping to the school on a Saturday (think about the cancelled dinner reservations, says Lily), Handsome Dan being sent away to the French countryside to be raised by that homewrecker Roman, and cell phones banned on campus. Can you believe this?! We sure can't. Text us on our contraband...

Don't mind us, Upper East Siders. We're just sitting here hitting "refresh" for Blair on the Yale portal. It's Yale Day, y'all! Join our friends as they anxiously await to hear who is in and who is out. Eh, who are we kidding? Only Dan and Blair are anxious about getting in. Serena is anxious about making a decision about anything at every turn of her life. Unfortunately, she has a new favorite teacher who, for some reason, started at Constance halfway through the school year? Spoiler alert: We (Talea and Maria) hate this lady. In other news, Chuck...

It's time for the reading of Bart's will, Upper East Siders! Are you in, or are you sending your legal representation in your place? Chuck's a little more himself in this episode, but the bar is in hell on this, so take that with a grain of salt. Uncle Jack is ELATED that his brother is dead so he can move away from Down Under and make Manhattan his new home. Jack is so devious that he will even use Blair's love for Chuck against her and make her a pawn in his sick game!

Dan continues...

["Amazing Grace" tune] "Chuck once was lost, but now he's found". Chuck may be found, but he's as lost as ever. He's unable to walk 95% of the time, he's doing drugs on school property, his Uncle Jack is here, AND when he can walk, it's happening on the side of a rooftop. It's bad news bears for our grieving boy billionaire, Upper East Siders.

Meanwhile, Dan & Serena are back together... again, while Aaron is crying on a beach somewhere in Buenos Aires with a cease and desist from Ikea in hand and no high school girlfriend. Blair...

Bart has died. *starts playing "Taps"* 

However, those billions o' bucks are still alive and they're paying for Andrew Tyler's retainer and comfort food (NOT tuna towers) for hundreds of his closest friends. Lily really should send a thank-you letter to the editor, but she won't. She's too busy slapping her dead husband's son as he struggles with the loss of a parent again.

Please join us as we try to understand why Serena is the A-story in an episode about Chuck and his grief. Thank god for Blair and Nate. 

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If you're in line, STAY IN LINE for this episode, Upper East Siders! It's the annual Snowflake Ball, and the drama is so hot that we're certain this ice is going to melt at any minute. Blair and Chuck are still at their little games while Vanessa and Jenny are playing The Petty Games™. Dan and Serena are moving towards an amicable friend zone, but that doesn't stop them from staring at each other while in the arms of another on the dance floor. In other dance floor news: Samantha. Hang onto your top hats, y'all! It's gonna be a...

Order up those diner french fries cuz it's another Upper East Side Thanksgiving, y'all! Dinner will be served at... 4am because we have a LOT of things to cover before we can even start fryin' the bird! If you have notes on Blair's pie recipe, you can keep that to yourself because she is not here for your little games. Speaking of games, will Serena WIN the "prize" that is Aaron Rose, beloved IKEA artist extraordinaire? Somebody get out the van der Woodsen dossiers and tell Bart what the hell is going on here. It's THANKSGIVING!

It is the 20th anniversary of Bass Industries. Time sure does fly when you are an evil billionaire and abysmal father! It's Blair's birthday and she's about to meet her mom's new boyfriend. Let's hope he's going to be the present she is hoping for, but we won't hold our breath. Meanwhile, Serena is on the world's worst scavenger hunt, while Dan is suddenly a noted New York journalist. As they say, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"!

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Y'all ever been to a guerrilla fashion show? Well, slip on those Louboutins because Jenny and Agnes cordially invite us to one. What. An. Epic. Moment. You're in for a treat, Upper East Siders. In other news, we are officially launching the "Dan Mind Your Business" challenge, while we watch Blair not mind her business and it's actually a good thing for once. Side stories include: Justice for JT Yorke (Yes, from Degrassi, sigh. Just listen).

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This is a big one, y'all! Join us as we watch Little J duke it out once more with Eleanor Waldorf herself. We can't say we endorse what Jenny's doing, but dang do we love to see it. We could not get through this episode without the three A's: Agnes, Aaron, and poor, sweet Arthur. Strap into the portal, kids, we're heading to the Ikea Art Installation in Brooklyn.

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
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Gather 'round, Upper East Siders! Be home by curfew for dinner because we need to help make an evil billionaire and his self-absorbed wife's dreams come true. It's the van der Woodsen-Bass family shindig in which they will be debuting as a "close family" to the outside world. However, we know that inside, things are... a little complicated to say the least. Bring your warm, fuzzy family memories and PLEASE don't forget your underwear! 

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What person, real or imagined, living or dead, would you most like to have dinner with? We'll wait. In the meantime, let's take the Amtrak down to ol' New Haven, Connecticut with our prep school pals. Unfortunately, the S & B beef crosses state lines at a very inconvenient time. Nate predictably scopes out the women of Yale, while Chuck scopes out the weird children of the corn (finance bro sons) of Yale. Dan is as neurotic and unprepared as ever. Will our Constance-St. Jude's kids really WOW the dean during this trip? We don't know. You'll have to ask...

As the great David Bowie once sang: "Fashion! Turn to the left. Fashion! Turn to the right." It's fashion week in New York City, baby! Blair's got a big job to do backstage at the Eleanor Waldorf show while Serena bucks tradition for her moment on the catwalk of all places. We have a new, hot designer on the prowl and it's our very own Little J. The unlikely pairing of Dan and Chuck are hanging out like multiple times? Also, Lily has a thing for rat paintings. Hurry up and press play on this episode before it's deemed...

We made it, y'all. It's the first day of senior year! Are you a victim or a project? Some people, like Serena and Dan, are both. Join us as we navigate the choppy water that is post-breakup life. We also have Chuck vs. Blair, Vanessa vs. Nate, and Lily vs. Rufus (ugh) in the same boat. Another breakup is on the horizon, but we guarantee you did NOT see this one comin'. Hit play and let's go out to brunch together (instead of, you know, actually going to class).

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Happy New Year, Upper East Siders! We hope the start of 2025 is treating you well and, if not, at least we have the greatest trust fund babies of all time to keep us company! It's freezing outside right now, but the sidewalks are hot and steamy in this episode. It's summertime and school is almost back in session. A blackout brings sex, lies, and truth to the surface. Fingers crossed that Lord Marcus and his weird ass stepmom are gone when the lights come back on...

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Lords and Duchesses and Affairs, oh my! Unfortunately, summer break is coming to a close for our dear friends of the Upper East. Will loose ends be tied up in a perfect bow come the fall? Join your ol' pals Maria and Talea as we laugh our way out of the Hamptons (via the Jitney, of course) and bid farewell to the dog days of summer. 

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Ta...

You know what they say, Upper East Siders. "April showers bring season 2 of The Dorota Diaries!" Or was it something totally different? We don't know and WE DON'T CARE. Join us as we explore the Hamptons, shades of white, Rufus v. Jack Johnson, and sex positivity for teen boys who wanna be lil sluts.

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist 

Here comes the bride, Upper East Siders! Spring is here and the flowers are in bloom in everybody's hair. While one couple ties the knot, another looks like they're on the verge of a breakup. Ah, the circle of life. We end season 1 asking one very important question: Who IS David?

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Follow us on Instagram (@DorotaDiaries) or shoot us an email at [email protected]. 

Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist 

Content warning: Drug overdose

Are you a big Leaky Hawk fan? If so, hop in the portal with the gang and grab a front row seat at the Forgotten Bands of the 90s show! This is a real 10 and 2 episode driving us full speed into the season finale. Everybody is rallying around Serena in her time of need, but will it be enough against Hurricane Georgina? 

Disclaimer: we had some audio difficulties while recording so our apologies for the sound quality in this one!

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Blair and Jenny's final battle is here, Upper East Siders, and it's a problematic doozy! And while Asher might not have a sack of hot dogs this week, he DOES have a sack of SECRETS — and so does ERIC!!! Meanwhile, Serena hasn't shaken Georgina, who is now going by Sarah and charming the gullible-ass pants off of Dan and Vanessa. Georgina vs. Serena, Blair vs. Jenny, Lily & Rufus vs. being a good parent — who will win?? And WHO killed JFK? Tune in to find out!

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It's SAT time for our favorite private school crew! While Dan chooses to read every SAT prep book known to man, Blair copes with her stress by leaning on her 'ol bullying ways. Serena wants to do well, but with Georgina in town we're not so sure how that's gonna work out for our favorite bad girl gone good. Meanwhile, in Brooklyn, Jenny continues to be the worst person on the planet, but at least she likes hot dogs. Other noteworthy things: a hot new couple (according to Talea) and an important life lesson that nothing good ever comes...

Team Blair or Team Jenny? You've gotta decide, Upper East Siders! Mark the date and time because Jenny has pushed our buttons so much in this episode that we may, for the very first time, empathize with Rufus' POV. Shocking, we know...

Put on that princess party hat and grab a slice of Jenny cake, babes!

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota D...

Rumors are lighting up the hallways of our favorite private school for girls and (gasp!) a few of our favorite friendships may not survive it. What does survive is decades-long misogyny and slut-shaming! Gen Z — you can bring back the 00s style, but we beg of you to let this part stay in the archives.

If we were you, our first response would be to listen to this episode on a lovely, clear blue day! #IYKYK 

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Splish splash, y'all! A fun night at the uh... school swimming pool (smdh) goes horribly awry. Word gets back to the new headmistress and she did not come to play with these privileged youths. Grab that boogie board and try to stay afloat, Upper East Siders!

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea
Spotify Playlist: The Dorota Diaries: a Gossip Girl Playlist 

The prodigal father returns! Blair’s dad is home for the holidays, but the father-daughter reunion is short-lived because her father’s boyfriend has crashed the party. Across town, Serena and Dan get to know each other better through the art of gift-giving. Have a holly, jolly Christmas (in April), Upper East Siders! Here at the Dorota Diaries, it’s gonna be ANYTHING but a silent night.

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
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Are you 16 and know exactly what you want the rest of your life to look like? Do you have a grandmother who would do anything to get her way? Are you a ballroom dance aficionado? Do you love stuffy parties where you are formally announced to your community even though they all already know who you are? Well, you've come to the right place. It's cotillion time, baby!

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Episode Content Warning: Eating Disorders

It may be July, but it is THANKSGIVING over here at The Dorota Diaries! In this episode, Maria and Talea reveal themselves as huge fans of Thanksgiving, but even bigger fans of Upper East Side holiday draaaaama. Other v important topics include Lexapro, Vicodin, and Anne Archibald's unfulfilled dreams. Grab a plate (or two) of your favorite pie and bon appétit!

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Happy Birthday, Upper East Siders! We know it's probably not your birthday today, but today we're celebrating the 17th birthday of our Queen Blair Waldorf, so who cares about when your birthday is? Join us as we dive into what is and isn't allowed when it comes to Dan, Serena, and Vanessa, an embarrassing Rock Band match that just goes on too long, and whether or not we'd have access to the extremely exclusive SEARCH.COM. It's an episode so good, you won't need a birthday wish. 

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Happy New Year, Upper East Siders (better late than never)! We couldn’t ask for a better episode to kick off The Dorota Diaries in 2022 and to prove it, enjoy two hours of us fawning over the whole damn thing. I think we’ve found our passion in life and it is this episode. Just sit back, grab a nice martini, and enjoy the ride baby!

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Art by Maria (@markacarbondale)
Theme Song & Editing by Talea...