D&D is For Nerds

“I had visions, I was in them

I was looking into the mirror

To see a little bit clearer

The rottenness and evil in me“

- Attributed to the Prophet Harvey Danger from Emmanuel De Monster: Tomorrow Edition

If you supported the Jarren's Outpost Board Game, check your emails to manage your pledge manager! Of course you can still grab a copy right here and we insist you do xx o.

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WARNING: Educational purposes only. Not responsible for curses, poisonings, becoming a shrub or having a large and particularly ferocious beaver hunt you down.

IT'S AN EXCLUSIVE CLUB AND YOU'RE NOT INVITED. WELCOME TO THE ROOTNET, KIDS.

The forest hums at a frequency they don't want you to hear. Big Circle wants you deaf. We want you to listen.

Druids don't use pigeons. They talk through Tree Realm. A rootnet running under every forest, linking every oak, elm, and suspiciously tall frond. One druid whispers. Another druid hears it eighty miles...

As you might already be aware, war is mostly waiting. The fighting takes less than an afternoon. But the waiting? That takes weeks. And it gets into everything. The bread. The boots. The tempers. So we pass the time as we can. Dice, mostly. Some play cards. Others prefer the monotonous task of whittling.

Young Torbin has written three letters home and posted none. However, it's music that keeps us human. Corporal Belmont plays a weathered and poorly strung fiddle. And he plays it badly. Yet the entire camp pretends otherwise. Last night several of the...

I'm very sick. Sorry for the lack of Barovia. Please send me well wishes expressing your sympathy and/or hate mail expressing your disdain. Thank you xx o.

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UNDEAD, Falsely Named (soft) - Sometimes known as a Wraith or Wrath. It-eth would be near to malpractice-eth for this reporter to not begin this-in entry without-eth notifying you savvy hunter that should-eth thy believe that it is truly a Falsely Named Undead that thy encounters here-in is thy suggested course of actions: run. Run and do not-eth look back for to even gaze back is to invite destruction. When enough souls are reaped within one place in a short spanse of time and if these souls are vile enough then the hells thyselves might-eth turn them back. In...

"... Gaz, the vile deity of assassins and the hated, was only a normal halfling in those days. Many philosophers have debated why Gaz committed such an abomination to the fabric of reality: was it pride, desire for power, some other dark reason? Or perhaps as some have speculated a terrible contract given to a mortal being that was never intended on being fulfilled? Another question that has yet to be answered is how one can permanently end a god. The written and oral records are littered with deities being slain and forced to withdraw from the strands of fate...

Spot Length: :60

Talent: 9 Hells Toy Circle Co.

Title: D'Grugrial Rebrand

Start With a Story (Required. Personalise so it sounds like you're telling a friend about the new D'Grugrial action figure)

Your Story: First, talk about a moment you needed the new D'Grugrial action figure but didn't have the new D'Grugrial at hand. Then introduce the new D'Grugrial action figure as the fix.

Example:

Picture this, you standing next to a disgusting elf. They're happy, haven't been insulted, look like they're better than you in every possible w...

Over a year ago, an argument outside the old bone grinder. Two voices. One coaxing the other. Soothing assurance that whatever they might find inside will be no match for the two of them. It’ll be fine Paul, it’s only hags. The other voice, less sure, less certain, providing a laundry list of reasons they should probably turn around. The first voice lower now, more gentle. Trust me, I’ve got you. The second voice acquiesces.

Inside, the pungent odour of rot and the throaty chirruping of an enormous toad. A collection of rags and bo...

There is no formal name given to worship of the One Above and the One Below. It is a strange religion and one not well known outside of the small pockets of the multiverse where people practise it. Those who believe see themselves as part of a grander cosmic food chain with the One Below being the source of their power. They feed on one One Below to power their minds and bodies and souls and spells. In this way the One Below is seen as a creator god, a fertility god, or a god of harvest depending on...

I had no ambition to be remembered. All I knew is that I wanted a desk eventually. Somewhere dry and quiet. A place where my boots didn't end the day caked in mud and dirt. I did not care for the frontline. I did not care for battle. I did not care that my wife always worried whenever I went on a campaign. I was not, and will never be, what you'd call a hero. Someone history bent around. That was for other people. To happen elsewhere, while I stayed comfortable at its edges. I was happy with that...

An army marches on its stomach. Please do not take this literally. As impressive as it may look, a thousand men flopping, rolling and laughing in the mud is neither intimidating or practical. What I am talking about is, very simply, food. 

Every quartermaster knows the phrase "send a druid before the cart and the army eats before it starts". Yet seldom do they know the second part of the phrase: "but slight her once, and mark it well, the forest keeps its own farewell". To put it bluntly, be nice to your druid and she'll be n...

There's a saying in ol' North Warlocksburg: "Still water runs deep, and deep water runs wise, and wise water knows better than to answer questions it wasn't asked." Nobody can tell you what that means. Yet it gets recited at weddings, funerals, and most minor irrigation disputes. Usually with a solemn head nod for emphasis.

It's also, if you ask around, the reason our little town turns out so many wizards. Why a farmer's boy from North Warlocksburg is more likely to end up hurling fireballs than herding sheep. Why every child is taught how to dispel...

Trail Waffles: How I Found Myself Again

[↓ Jump to Recipe ↓]

(you can click that if you want, I won't be offended, though I will say a small prayer for you to Glizabert, Goddess of Travel, Privilege and Whatever-the-Opposite-of-White-Guilt-is)

I wasn't always a person who made waffles on a donkey.

I know. I know. You came here for a recipe, and instead you are getting Filmeena's Feelings, and I promise we will get there, we will get to the part with the flour and the fire, but first you have...

Alchemy has a reputation for grand gestures. A pinch of grave-moss, a vial of moon-condensed dew, a hair from something that used to be a person, all tipped into a vessel (usually an ornate iron cauldron) at once with great ceremony, to the delight of the audience or client. I want to be very clear with you: this is not alchemy. This is theatre, and theatre does not require you to have functioning eyebrows or both your eyes left in your head after the dust settles.

Every reagent you will work with in this course has...

14th of the Neyavr

Mama says it's only elk, calling to each other across the valley. But I have never heard an elk sound like that. It came three times, low and long, like a horn blown by something with no lungs to exhaust. The dogs would not stop shaking until well past moonrise.

16th of the Neyavr

Old Tomas is gone. His wife says she heard the horn the night before. Tomas went out "to see whose fool idea it was to blow a hunting horn past curfew." I do not think...

I never knew what to expect when travelling with Him. There were days He was quiet and focused, when nothing in the world could pull His attention from the road ahead. Other days it was as though He could not sit still in His own skin, chasing one thought after another as if they fell out of His head faster than He could follow them. The day He bowed his head to an undead king, and very nearly did not rise again, belonged to the former kind of day. He had been silent since dawn, turning something over behind...

GIVE ME THE CUP. GIVE ME THE CUP. GIVE ME THE CUP. GIVE ME THE CUP. GIVE ME THE CUP. GIVE ME THE CUP. GIVE ME THE CUP. GIVE ME THE CUP. GIVE ME THE CUP. GIVE ME THE CUP. GIVE ME THE CUP. GIVE ME THE CUP. GIVE ME THE CUP. GIVE ME THE CUP. GIVE ME THE CUP. GIVE ME THE CUP. GIVE ME THE CUP. GIVE ME THE CUP. GIVE ME THE CUP. GIVE ME THE CUP. GIVE ME THE CUP. GIVE ME T

If you want to hear more of Ellie Morris...

After learning more about worship of the ocean deity Ehellia; the Cult of Salt and Sail "dedicated" to her; and the Cup of True Passage, a sacred relic for Ehellia worshipers that the cult is literally willing to kill for. Tyke Baphammer suggests they steal the relic as a bargaining chip with the cult, Ephraim Red explains the Monty Hall problem to their companions, and Sticks sends her beloved fish companion Twigs to scout an underwater temple. Are our heroes wise to act so antagonistly towards both friend and foe? Find out!

If you want to...

The hope, as always, is that all will be revealed at the Chapel of Ends. Unfortunately, despite Leopold’s Errant Mercenaries best efforts. It seems this House of the Dead is keeping its secrets. As Sticks and Tyke tussle with an amnesiac corpse, for whom even Speak with Dead is of no use, Ephraim investigates the mysteriously ash covered dead body of Penelope Solverson (he is then once again poisoned). Perhaps the answer lies instead with the living, in the salt encrusted taverns of the Fairburn City Docks.

If you want to hear more of Ellie Mor...

Suspicions are high as Leopold’s Errant Mercenaries begin to investigate, starting with the childhood bedroom of Jocelyn Solverson. Rather than providing an answer, the contents of the room only provoke further question. Tyke Baphammer destroys the rooms walls, convinced that a special diary lies within, Ephraim leaves the room entirely to investigate a suspicious lake to great effect (aside from the poisoning), and Sticks stands on a magic rock. As our heroes investigate something is beginning to become clear: the answer, whatever it is, lies deep beneath the waves.

If you want to hear more of...

As if the city of Fairburn Point didn’t have enough problems, tragedy has struck the prominent Solverson Family. Their daughter, Jocelyn Solverson has gone missing and in a city so awash with darkness, the poor girl could be anywhere. Leopold’s Errant Mercenaries have sent their most discrete agents to solve the problem: the self-serious Ephraim Red, the ever-distracted Sticks and her goldfish Twigs, and Tyke Baphammer a textbook Dwarf. There’s always a chance that Jocelyn has merely run off with a boy, but in the city of Fairburn Point, nothing is ever so simple.

If y...

Running a business and having a toddler is hard. I don't recommend it. If you happen to be in the Gold Coast next weekend on May 23 and 24 for TableTopCon come and say hi to Zammit and Jackson as they demo Jarren's Outpost! This will be the first time Zammit will be spending night away from Johnny Baby and will need a lot of moral support.

Next week Jackson and Adam are joined by Ellie Morris and Henry Shields from the Hell or High Rollers Podcast for Cult & Roses, a five-part mini campaign set in Fairburn Point wher...

The Explosive Ghoul is identical in nearly every-eth manner to their regular cousins but with several notable exceptions: Abyssal energies: what has been identified to power the ghouls has been “supercharged” extensively to such a point that the Explosive Ghoul gains its name and upon destruction will combust and release said energies at high degree and far reach. This can clearly-eth be seen-eth on thine Explosive Ghoul in its somewhat bloated-eth stomach and through its-eth eyes-eth which will instead of being white show through to the planes abyssal (red as it is speculated that the colours of thine abyss are...

this one has discovered what this one likes to call ‘the-heroes-journey.’ this one believes that this ones new invention will revolutionize the science of storytelling. as important as previous story-inventions such as creative-liberties, fore-shadowing, and the-ticking-clock. possibly the most important element of a the-heroes-journey is what this one calls ‘crossing-the-threshold’ or ‘getting-to-the-good-stuff.’ perhaps that one would like if this one draws a diagram in exchange for payment? this one would accept payment in form of egg.

If you're still wanting to pledge for the Jarren's Outpost Board Game you can right here!

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“… and I only collect shiny things because they remind me of the stars. It reminds me of the night and your absence which I find anticipatory. I often wonder if you feel the same? Do you feel as electrified as I do to know that while you are not here now, I shall see you soon? Cresting the horizon with your enrapturing gaze. And in those moments, when you see me and smile, I understand why ice melts…”

~ Nomes’ letter to Penia, 363.1804

If you're still wanting to pledge for the Jarren's Outpost Board Game you can ri...

This one wants that one to have big think of three delicious eggs for this one to eat and this one only wants the most delicious egg, even though this one would be very happy with all three delicious eggs, but for sake of good story, only one egg is best egg. Other eggs only pretty good egg, but still egg, and that’s good. If that one choose one egg it only one third of being most delicious egg. If this one eat one of the other egg and I say ‘it delicious but could be more delicious’, you be...

Dracula: Sometimes known as a vampyr or Lesser Greater Vampire (or just vampire if thy savvy hunter wishes to be seen as uncouth as well as (or in addition to (or instead of)) savvy) this book thinks it foolish to contend with such a creature so don’t worry about it. Thy shall know to avoid thou dracula if they are in a region where a faint or minor trace of that magic known as necromancy is undercurrent wherever they travel, animals of the house and farm keep together at nights for fear, and voices not of thy own som...

We gather in your light to release this soul from shadow. You who walked this mortal road have earned your rest. Your deeds are written not in stone, but in the warmth of those you sheltered, in the fires you kindled against the dark, in the lives that burned brighter for your presence.

Adventurer, your curiosity got the better of you, but you can now lay down you arms. Your burdens are finished. Your quest complete. The long night that comes for us all now comes for you. But know this: the light of the Sun does...

To the Attention of Rahadin,

I understand you are making a shortlist for potential assistants for me to look through peruse when I return, however would like to put forward my own recommendation. I apologise if you’ve already put in the work but I have rather unexpectedly ran into a trusted friend from my homeland here, in Castle Ravenloft. The man whom whomst that handed you

It is with a warm heart that I recommend Harvey Hancock for the position of my Personal Assistant. Mr Hancock has proven himself time and time again to be r...

My whole life, I’ve only know of one profession: Knight of the Cloth. There are Oaths to take. Oaths you should not break, cannot break. I took them before I could grow hair on my chin. The Divine Order taught me many things. Mostly how to fight with a sword and not embarrass myself in front of dignitaries. I can recite 9 different prayers for the morning, tell the difference between most devils and demons at a glance but I have no idea how to balance a budget. Contracts are a foreign concept, I was taught that my word wa...

The thing about wood from a tree-blight is that it's not regular wood, owing to the fact that it didn't come from a regular tree. It came from an evil tree, therefore, evil wood. And if you build a house out of evil wood, guess what, you've got an evil house, probably full of evil furniture. On top of this there's always the risk, or at least Emmanuel seems to think so, that the tree-blight will try and reform and become a great big tree again, and if that happens, you're out of a house, and also probably dead.<...

To many of us Urwin was a kind face and a gentle heart. Anyone in town could tell you a tale of how he was there with a drink in each hand and a shoulder to grieve on. Tonight we remember Urwin not for grief but to bring him to life together one last time. In life Urwin was like a great stone statue and each of us were given a piece to hold and feel his love and remember when he could not be there for us physically. And now, one by one, each of us will share...

"... and once the great forges of dwarvkin burn no more

the frozen passages and snowkin will once more take Nott

this time Lemminkäinen will know no equal as his frost

and these shall be known as the end of days.

And on these days the children of Hus shall see the end

the end of all things but one:

even at the end of time Lemminkäinen's wrath will remain."

If you're still wanting to pledge for the Jarren's Outpost Board Game yo...

Admiral Cutter,

I am pleased to report that while tests are still ongoing we have had incredible initial success. Your tabaxi scientist Crawls-Trough-Walls and the rest of his team believe they are close to isolating whatever element within the Blue Blood that disconnects a subject from the weave and the future. Dr Crawls has demonstrated capabilities of reducing the divinable qualities of a square block of stone to near zero. The object defies even practised divination attempts. The team are saying that live trials may be next. Whatever you have gained here has leapfrogged our research...

Y'know, folks like to say Pip is wholly without confidence. That he don't know how to make a decision. In some ways they're right I guess. 'Cept when it's him against a monster. Thats a different Pip altogether. When that crossbows pumpin' and he's making tough calls with teeth on his neck, thats a different Pip. I reckon folks see what I see then, I reckon they see him for real.

If you're still wanting to pledge for the Jarren's Outpost Board Game you can right here!

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Grugrog's Famous Cure. After slaying a rather large beastie that's been terrorising the town, the discerning adventurer would be remiss to not partake in a night of debaucherous revelry! This, in turn, can bring on a head-shattering hangover to slay even the great Tiamat. To get that hangover under control, we recommend a hearty breakfast, and the best hearty breakfast comes from the all-in-one adventure's favourite: The Owl-Bear. Eggs, meat and (if you're up for it) milk can all be collected and/or harvested from one or two owl-bear caves. We highly recommend enriching an owl-bear egg scramble with...

A vivid conversation strikes out between two former paladins over an evening meal and takes an interesting turn when one quizzes another about their values and worldviews.

If you're still wanting to pledge for the Jarren's Outpost Board Game you can right here!

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"It's just a castle," Pirrin mutters the mantra under his breath while scaling a wall, "living people don't guard ghosts," Pirrin whispers while slitting a knights throat. "Just a normal castle" Pirrin insists moving from shadow to shadow counting the steps between guard patrols.

"Hecktor would kill any ghosts if he saw them."

Pirrin's breath catches in his throat as a long black cloak glides around a corner-- his mind wild and near panic. Feeling like he might throw up his own heart Pirrin's muttering slips between false prayer and genuine swearing as he catches...

/feɪt-less/

ADJ.

1. Having or showing a lack of fate. Having no predetermined destiny.

She went through life like a fateless rock tumbling down a hill

2. To act unpredictably or have an immunity to divination.

The only thing more shocking than when she pulled the knife was that the court diviner couldn't find the fateless traitor

3. A condition of unknown causation where the subject cannot have their future predicted by magical means.

Get out! Get out of here! You charlatan! You fake! You fateless wench!

Well, hm, looks like this particular corner of the Shadowfell's got itself a mighty big vampire shaped problem. Thats ok. We can get some kind of posse together I'm sure. Hell, just gotta get the right kinda folks. People with training, people with skills, and most important, people who give a damn. Shoot. Wont be the first time I've faced off against some ne'er do well who's too big for his britches and by hell if its gonna be the last.

If you're still wanting to pledge for the Jarren's Outpost Board Game you can right...