LoveWork: Skills for a Relational Life
Join therapists Jerry Sander & Kristy Gaisford as we look at both the hard truths, and joys, that accompany intimate relationships. Our perspective is personal, practical and based on experience: we've both been married, divorced, and married again after finding great partners for our second marriages. (Both of us had four children apiece in our first marriages; Kristy has four step-children in her second one). Both of us maintain relationally-focused private therapy practices, focusing on couples and individuals. ) We are both certified in Terry Real's Relational Life Therapy and are regular, authorized presenters of the weekend Relationship Boot Camp. We also...
Getting the Partner You Want
Send us Fan Mail
The way we present ourselves in interactions with our partner strongly shapes the dimensions of their responses to us. Kristy and Jerry explore the challenges involved in trying to remain positive, despite immediate impulses to strike back sometimes, when our partner is in a rough place and lets you know that with their presentation. The power of self-possession is undisputed, as it can completely alter the tone and content of what follows in interactions with your partner, ranging from the smallest of quibbles to large disagreements. We enact an all-too-realistic argument and revisit...
Leaving Victimhood
Send us Fan Mail
Most people grow up with wounds from childhood and/or adolescence, but only some come to have a long-term identification as a victim. Progressing into survivorship and learning how to cherish one's one life and to thrive is the challenge. The crucible for all this is often often found in adult relationships. What is to be gained from identifying with victimhood, and how do I leave it? Kristy and Jerry consider this together.
Why Does It Always Have To Be AboutYou?
Send us Fan Mail
Kristy and Jerry ponder the frustrations of disconnections and challenges that always seem to land in predictably annoying directions: why does it always have to be ABOUT you? We role-play the typical way this gets expressed and then do a healthy re-do of the same scenario.
A.I. Won't Save You
Send us Fan Mail
Jerry and Kristy consider the implications of A.I. for couples, their therapies, and for therapists. Positive and negatives are acknowledged, with all sorts of red warning flags flying.
Weaponized Sex
Send us Fan Mail
Jerry (solo) considers some of the common complaints about sex-within-long-term-relationships, with a focus on the messaging that we've internalized along the way. The distinction between seeking mutual sexual pleasures and some people's understandings of the responsibility to merely fulfill obligations are considered. An upcoming day-long Zoom workshop, Rekindling Sexual Connection, on August 15th, is offered to help people beginning talking about what they most need and haven't been able to talk about without shame.
Breadwinning
Send us Fan Mail
The Wise Adult
Send us Fan Mail
The Wise Adult is the gold standard for the capacity for intimacy. In our 80th episode -- and that last one before a 8 month hiatus from recording -- we consider the beauty and optimism this layer-of-personality brings, offering us relief from the seemingly-automatic responses our other layers routinely present.
The Strength of the Adaptive Child
Send us Fan Mail
Poised in between the slings and arrows of early childhood (i.e., the Wounded Child) and the emergence of the Wise Adult, the Adaptive Child becomes our friend and our go-to personality more often than not. Jerry and Kristy pay homage to it, while discussing the real-life repercussions of your Adaptive Child for your relationships.
Bad Couples Therapy
Send us Fan Mail
This was a topic that was requested of us to talk about, and which resonated with both Kristy and Jerry as a worthy one. When couples therapy goes wrong, or is unsatisfying to the couple that searched for help, why is this??? What type of connection, process and set of skills are necessary to have things click and move forward with good feeling for all involved? Kristy and Jerry consider this (along with a fake fight in which one person argues about the couples therapist favoring one of them over the other).
Are You Curious About Yourself?
Send us Fan Mail
After having previously considered how curiousity functions in a relationship, Kristy and Jerry take a look at how it also influences us as individuals, over our lifespans.
Are You Curious About Your Partner?
Send us Fan Mail
After a summer hiatus, Jerry & Kristy are back, talking about the curiosities -- or lack of curiosities -- we have about our partners. How does this affect intimacy? Long-term relationship habits can work to erode spontaneity, a sense of discovery and wonder and all the good stuff that was there in the beginning. Can curiosity be restored??? YES, and at any point in the life span of your relationship.
Controlling Your Partner
Send us Fan Mail
Jerry & Kristy consider the ebbs and flow of attempted control of the other person within a relationship. What does it get you? What's so wrong about it, anyway?
An epic fight about the way the other person loads the dishwasher is featured in the second half, as well as a better-way-forward illustrated.
When You're Both Avoidant
Send us Fan Mail
So what happens when BOTH of you have patterns of avoiding conflict and want to keep the peace at all costs, even if it means staying with an unhappy status quo? Jerry & Kristy consider this (a listener-suggested topic) in light of the rewards that can come from decidedly "rocking the boat."
Seek First to Understand
Send us Fan Mail
Identifying your feelings and then talking about them isn't enough. There is another person present in the relationship and reaching to understand THEM is the very challenge that we have to master in order for any progress to take hold. Kristy and Jerry consider how the search for understanding of "the other" usually presents itself -- either in its presence or its absence and show you how this often breaks out in fights. Alternatives are identified and practiced.
That Third Day of Vacation Fight
Send us Fan Mail
You finally both get to the vacation destination of your dreams -- something you've been saving for the rest of the year and it seems just great. Until the third day, when you have That Big Fight. Why is this such a recognizable thing to most couples? What explains it? And what could help things be better?
The Space Between Our Two Realities
Send us Fan Mail
Sometimes it is hard to believe we are on the same planet, witnessing the same things as our partner but ending up with very different perspectives. Kristy and Jerry consider the "space between" and consider how best to handle differences about "Reality" when it comes to life in the here-and-now with a partner.
New Beginnings With the Same (Old) Partner?
Send us Fan Mail
Is it possible? How can this be done? And what are the rewards? Jerry and Kristy consider the rewards and roadblocks to blazing new paths of discovery and adventure with your current partner.
The Long Ride Home After Couples Therapy
Send us Fan Mail
Triumphing over technical difficulties for today's episode, Kristy and Jerry talk about that long ride home after couples' sessions. Variations on it are proposed, along with a reaffirmation of the purpose of couples' therapy. Hints are dropped about a 2026 event.
When the Adaptive Child Insists on Prevailing
Send us Fan Mail
In this conversation, Kristy and Jerry explore the concept of the 'adaptive child'—the immature part of ourselves that can dominate our reactions during conflicts. They discuss how to navigate situations when one partner is stuck in this state for an extended period, emphasizing the importance of self-care, compassion, and understanding. The dialogue highlights the significance of timing, safety, and the role of personal energy in communication. They also address the anxiety that can arise in relationships and the necessity of being able to choose to stay in a relationship without desperation. Ultimately, th...
Self-Soothing
Send us Fan Mail
In this conversation, Jerry and Kristy discuss the importance of self-soothing in relationships. They define self-soothing as the ability to observe oneself and step in to soothe oneself before reacting negatively. They explore different techniques for self-soothing, such as deep breathing, listening to soothing music, spending time with pets, writing, taking baths, and going for walks. They also discuss the need for self-awareness and the importance of not reacting impulsively in triggering situations. They highlight the significance of finding a balance between self-soothing and nurturing the relationship as a couple.
How To Use Therapy
Send us Fan Mail
Jerry and Kristy discuss the gap that can exist between "having good sessions" and actual change taking place, for either an individual or a couple. Tips for bringing the best of therapy to your actual relationship life are shared.
Making the Most of Your Time Together
Send us Fan Mail
It's almost astonishing how -- after lamenting how little time we "get" to spend with our partner -- we routinely ignore the basics of positive connection in the time we finally set aside to be together. Kristy and Jerry review how some of these dynamics work and suggest corrective measures that can enhance your relational health.
Diagnosing Your Partner
Send us Fan Mail
The perils and pluses of reaching a diagnostic understanding about your partner are considered. Voicing diagnostic lingo to your partner is considered in terms of being an usually-losing tactic. Of special consideration when one of the couple is a therapist her/himself....
Repair
Send us Fan Mail
Jerry & Kristy take an extended look at the process of repair. Frequently misunderstood as a "moment" it is actually a relational project that requires vulnerability, bravery and follow-through. Specific applications of the process of repair to four different fight-scenarios are illustrated.
Money
Send us Fan Mail
Couples usually stumble over this ever-present elephant-in-the-room; what if you have different backgrounds, expectations and habits when it comes to personal finances? What are the implications for the two of you as a couple? How do you even begin to talk about it? Jerry and Kristy ponder this out loud, with numerous common examples of disconnect. Hopeful strategies are identified.
Patriarchy In Our Relationships
Send us Fan Mail
Jerry and Kristy consider the thorny impact of worldwide patriarchy on the way we function in our relationships. Alternative models are considered, as well as an understanding of how the status-quo we were born into results in a bad deal for both men and women.
Everything Breaks; Most Gets Fixed
Send us Fan Mail
You know the feeling when you just want to throw things away? When one too many things have occurred and you would just love to get rid of things (or your partner?) instead of working to fix them? Jerry ponders the convergence of a number of mechanical breakdowns that came his way as Kristy puts it in context of the ever-present challenge of relational repair.
Ego
Send us Fan Mail
What role does our ego play in helping, or hindering, connection with our partner? Kristy & Jerry unpack some of this together. Jerry reports some about his travel to Southern India and how long it took him to finally unpack after returning.
What If Your Partner Doesn't Want To Do "The Work"?
Send us Fan Mail
It's more rare than we would like that both partners in a couple approach "the work" of behavioral change with the same intensity, at the same rate, and in the same way. What happens if one person is much more enthusiastic about "doing the work" than the other partner? Kristy and Jerry consider this in today's episode.
I Am DONE!!!
Send us Fan Mail
Memorable, highly-charged words and phrases are frequently heard in couples' therapists' offices. What they mean -- how they are understood between people who claim to love each other -- is often highly debatable and unclear. Jerry and Kristy try to translate some meanings in today's episode.
The Selfishness of Addiction
Send us Fan Mail
An addict's path to recovery necessarily involves making amends and becoming more relational to the people around you whom you've wounded. But often people get caught at the "dry-drunk" phase, don't do the relational work (despite 12-step groups' encouragement to do so) and the very process of recovery can attain a familiarly selfish flavor. Jerry and Kristy explore the relational damage addiction (and sometimes even recovery) can bring.
The Challenge of Blended Families
Send us Fan Mail
It's not always The Brady Bunch. In fact, it almost never is. Kristy and Jerry explore some of the dynamics at work for members of blended families and try to "right-size" expectations to maximize opportunities for natural connections.
The Holidays
Send us Fan Mail
Ahhhh...The Holidays. They are already here, and we are already scrambling to try to extract the maximum amount of family happiness and connection from situations that can also offer confusion, old, unresolved situations, things-out-of-left-field, financial stress, arguments and large amounts of stress or depression. Still, it is possible to put together a tool kit for yourself and to find joy in moments of connection large and small.
Gratitude
Send us Fan Mail
Jerry and Kristy express their gratitude for the people, places and things in their lives, with a particular focus on their respective relationships. Being able to extract, and express, gratitude for that hard things that are learned as part of the growth-edge that relationships bring is the Advanced Class. Our best efforts are required, and are rewarded.
Trauma & Your Relationship
Send us Fan Mail
Whether it is childhood trauma(s), the effects of societal prejudices, discrimination and stigmatizing or more recent adult losses of a traumatic nature, the ripple effects of trauma is shared with our partner in relationships. Kristy and Jerry ponder the wide-ranging effects of this in presenting challenges to intimacy in relationships. And we end with a whopper of a role-played good fight, demonstrating, once again, the wrong way and the right way to have disagreements with a spouse. (Spoiler alert: we are married to other people who have to actually deal with the A...
Am I Crazy?
Send us Fan Mail
Do you ever feel strongly at emotional odds with most things around you? And then whether or not you are off-your-rocker and possibly The Problem because of being crazy? Just....different from others, in a major way? You aren't alone at all. Being overwhelmed by feelings -- and not feeling like they are seen and valued by those closest to you -- is common. Jerry and Kristy break it down and consider the way forward, wherein you can remain connected to a partner despite the depth and intensity of your own feelings.
Religious Upbringings
Send us Fan Mail
Our religious upbringings -- or non-religious upbringings -- can have implications and repercussions for our later intimate relationships, the likes of which we likely hadn't considered. Jerry & Kristy discuss.
Rewriting (Relationship) History
Send us Fan Mail
Kristy & Jerry consider what happens when we, for one reason or another, remember only certain aspects of our most important relationships. We deny, or ignore, important things at a cost; recovery of all the layers of a relationship may be painful, but worth it.
Birthdays & Anniversaries
Send us Fan Mail
What's it like for you to be in a couple and to celebrate these special occasions? Or...not? What happens, for the couple, when these days roll around and either are celebrated, ignored or recognized in a less-than-satisfying way? Jerry and Kristy contemplate these things and more.
The Fine Line Between Letting Things Go & Enabling
Send us Fan Mail
Kristy and Jerry untangle the thorny areas in which personal boundaries seem to be challenged by our partner's desire to control us, when -- in fact -- it is often about emotional needs we can all relate to it. The seed for solutions lay in a relational approach, neither in confrontation nor denial.
