Sexy Marriage Radio

“How does that make you feel?”

Four words. The most famous question in all of therapy. Not wrong exactly. Just incomplete. Because nobody ever asks the follow-up: what are you going to do with that?

We live in the golden age of emotional intelligence. More language for our feelings than any generation in history. And marriages are not noticeably better. At some point it’s worth asking whether the feelings conversation is part of the problem, not just the solution.

Here’s the thing about feelings: they’re valid as an experience. But the map th...

She's been married eleven years. Three kids. A life she genuinely loves.

And a husband who goes quiet every time they disagree. Not angry quiet. Just... gone. Still in the house, still doing the normal things, but there's a wall — and she never knows when it's coming down or what she did to put it up.

She's tried everything. She asks what's wrong. She gives him space. She apologizes — sometimes without even knowing what she's apologizing for — just to get things back to normal. She sends a text. She tries again when things feel calmer. Someti...

Episode 800.

Over fifteen years and eight hundred episodes, one of the consistent choices on this show has been to stay away from clinical diagnostic language — words like coercion, narcissism, gaslighting, abuse — even when those words might technically fit a situation being described.

That choice has generated some pushback lately. And it deserves a direct answer.

Not a defensive one. A real one.

Clinical language exists for a reason. In the right setting, with the right context, a diagnostic label does something important — it orients. It gives a professional and a client shared...

A listener wrote in after last week's episode. He appreciated it but wanted the other side of the equation.

His situation: he wants to do something with his wife that he considers well within the moral framework of their marriage. She says no. Complete sentence.

So what's he supposed to do? Stop wanting it? White-knuckle his way through? Watch it fester into resentment?

Those feel like the only two options when you're stuck in gridlock. They're not.

Every marriage has gridlock issues — places where what one person wants is blocked by wh...

She's been married sixteen years. Four kids. A husband who works hard, fathers well, and helps around the house more than most.

She also has sex with him three to four times a week. Does oral sex. Anal play. Vibrators. Mutual masturbation. Sexting. She tried anal sex three times before deciding the pain wasn't worth it. She tried swallowing despite a genuine gag reflex. She stopped sending explicit pictures when she realized she was no longer comfortable with where those images end up.

And he told her she has making up to do. That she's...

A husband wrote in after our episode with Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife. He appreciated it but wanted more on the man's side.

His wife feels connected to him through sex. But 95% of the time she's not aroused. She has a good attitude about it. She participates. And then when he gets in the shower, she goes and uses a vibrator by herself — because she feels pressured by him to enjoy it when he's there.

He named his dilemma clearly: accept the one-sided sex and eventually resent it, or say no to sex entirely and feel disconnected. He...

If you've ever wondered why desire felt so natural before marriage and so complicated after — this conversation is worth your time.

Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is a psychologist, coach, and fellow traveler in the Schnarch world. In this conversation with Corey, she names something most couples can't quite articulate: the shift from falling in love to being married isn't a sign something went wrong. It's a sign of what was always there underneath.

A few things worth listening for:

The moment she says "you can either prop up your husband's ego or his penis, bu...

She's been married a long time. She's done the work — therapy, 12-step, forgiveness. The guilt and shame are gone.

And she's been giving her husband sex twice a week for years. He knows that's all it's ever been.

Her question: how do I get past the guarded sex, the pressure, the fear of never being enough? How do I finally be free?

It's a good question. But it's not the first question worth asking.

Because somewhere along the way sex became something she gives on a schedule she can't trace back to...

Last week we heard from a wife trying to figure out if she can ever trust her husband again after discovering his affair. This week we're staying on him.

All we know about him comes from her email. Four sentences. He denied it at first. Then admitted everything. He says he wants to save the marriage. He's been remorseful and answering her questions.

That's it. And it's actually enough to ask the most important question of his recovery.

Is he doing this because he's genuinely reckoning with who he was when he made...

A month ago she found out. He denied it, then admitted it. She still doesn't know if she has the full story.

She's been talking to her pastor, her friends, anyone who will listen. Everyone keeps telling her the same thing — rebuild trust, do the work, give it time. She knows they mean well. But at two in the morning when she can't stop replaying everything, that advice doesn't tell her what to actually do.

Corey and Pam sit with her story this week — not to fix it, not to hand her a reconciliation roadmap, but...

A listener asked a simple question: is there such a thing as Christian erotica? They'd done the research, found some authors, and sent the links.

But that's not really what they were asking.

What they were asking — what most of us are asking when we frame a question that way — is: can someone just tell me if this is okay?

Corey and Pam don't answer that question. Instead they go after the one underneath it — what does it mean that you need permission? What's the mechanism underneath erotica, Christian or otherwise? And what would...

He does oral sex almost every time. Toys every time. Bondage, spanking, dirty talk — all things he pushed through because she wanted them. She agreed to reciprocate. She hasn't. Not once.

So is he being selfish for wanting more?

That's not quite the right question.

The real question is what the word return reveals about what's actually been going on. Corey and Pam unpack the difference between genuine generosity and giving to get — why they look similar from the outside, why your spouse can always tell the difference, and what a ledger does to i...

On this week's episode of SMR …

This week's episode explores the deep psychological patterns that influence marriage dynamics, focusing on our expectations, meanings, and self-awareness.

It offers insights into how understanding our shadow motivations and settling ourselves can foster healthier, more authentic relationships.

The post What Am I Wanting? #790 first appeared on Sexy Marriage Radio.

This week's episode explores how life-changing events can serve as catalysts for personal growth and relationship transformation. We discuss a woman's journey from rejection to self-discovery and how she redefines her marriage after a betrayal, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness and adaptive responses.

The post Switching Roles #789 first appeared on Sexy Marriage Radio.

Frank sexual discussion ahead — this one's for grown-ups.

A listener calls in curious about pegging. He found it through porn, and he's terrified to say any of it out loud to his wife.

Corey and Pam use his voicemail as the door into a bigger conversation than one sex act. The source of a desire doesn't determine whether it's legitimate. And the real question isn't whether pegging is okay, it's whether he's willing to be known.

It ends up where their conversations usually end up. This was never about the act. It's about th...

This episode picks up from "She Knows How to Ride" (two weeks ago), shifting focus from the wife's physical pain journey to her husband's inner experience — seen through her eyes.

The couple entered marriage with high hopes and open communication about their sexual relationship. But on their honeymoon, penetrative sex was too painful for her to complete. A year later, little has changed — and he's become increasingly withdrawn, citing tiredness or lack of desire, leaving her feeling rejected and questioning herself.

Dr. Corey and Pam explore two possible explanations for his withdrawal:

1. He may...

This episode of Sexy Marriage Radio Pam and I talk about the challenges of applying relationship knowledge in real life, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness, emotional regulation, and system disruption to foster genuine change in marriage.

Enjoy the show!

On the Xtended version …

We go through what it really looks like to make better self-respecting moves in life and marriage

Let's explore more.

Sponsors …

Evree: Our favorite intimate product! Get 10% off every order with our code SMR - https://smr.fm.evree

Academy: Join the Acade...

This episode of Sexy Marriage Radio Pam and I talk about the challenges of applying relationship knowledge in real life, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness, emotional regulation, and system disruption to foster genuine change in marriage.

Enjoy the show!

On the Xtended version …

We go through what it really looks like to make better self-respecting moves in life and marriage

Let's explore more.

Sponsors …

Evree: Our favorite intimate product! Get 10% off every order with our code SMR - https://smr.fm.evree

Academy: Join the Acade...

This episode of Sexy Marriage Radio Pam and I talk about the challenges of applying relationship knowledge in real life, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness, emotional regulation, and system disruption to foster genuine change in marriage.

Enjoy the show!

On the Xtended version …

We go through what it really looks like to make better self-respecting moves in life and marriage

Let's explore more.

Sponsors …

Evree: Our favorite intimate product! Get 10% off every order with our code SMR - https://smr.fm.evree

Academy: Join the Acade...

This episode of Sexy Marriage Radio explores the complex dynamics of desire, intimacy, and past experiences in marriage, focusing on a couple's journey from swinging to a faith-based relationship.

We discuss how desire, exhaustion, and personal values influence sexual intimacy and how couples can navigate these challenges with understanding and intentionality.

Enjoy the show!

On the Xtended version …
We explore in more detail about the dilemma of the emailer asking is they should open up their marriage again and how that aligns with her Christian faith.

Let's explore more.

...

In this Best of SMR episode we discuss common mistakes that married couples make when it comes to initiating sex. 

There are dynamics of higher desire and lower desire and patterns that make these mistakes so easy to make.

We cover six common mistakes: getting annoyed at being the one who initiates, using covert or roundabout methods of initiation, joking or crude initiations, feeling the need to be as turned on as your partner, using the same initiation method every time, and talking yourself out of initiating. 

Enjoy the show!

On th...

Corey is celebrating a milestone birthday this year, so this episode explores the recurring themes in marriage, personal growth, and the importance of self-awareness. Join us as we reflect on lessons learned over years of marriage and shared experiences, emphasizing the value of courage, authenticity, and continuous self-improvement.

Enjoy the show!

Sponsors …

Evree: Our favorite intimate product! Get 10% off every order with our code SMR - https://smr.fm.evree

Academy: Join the Academy and go deeper. https://smr.fm/academy

The post SMR Honest Reflections #781 first appeared on Se...

In this episode of Sexy Marriage Radio, Pam and I are joined by Gary and Lisa Thomas as we talk through some simple habits you can do this summer that will have impact on your marriage.

Enjoy the show!

Sponsors …

Evree: Our favorite intimate product! Get 10% off every order with our code SMR - https://smr.fm.evree

Academy: Join the Academy and go deeper. https://smr.fm/academy

The post 3 Habits To Improve Your Marriage This Summer | Gary and Lisa Thomas #780 first appeared on Sexy Marriage Radio.

In this episode of Sexy Marriage Radio, Pam and I explore into the complex reality of sexual lust, shame, and the unseen battles that many marriages face, especially those with a history of hypersexuality, trauma, or previous infidelity.

This conversation explores what wives and husbands can do when confronting the persistent mental and emotional remnants of past struggles.

Enjoy the show!

On the Xtended version …

We keep going into the exploration of what we can do with our history and how it impacts our present. But that very process can also be...

In this episode of Sexy Marriage Radio, Dr. Alexandra Stockwell joins me again to explore practical ways to deepen intimacy in marriage through everyday interactions, vulnerability, and collaborative decision-making.

Discover how small, intentional acts can transform your relationship and foster lasting connection.

Enjoy the show!

On the Xtended version …

We go further into the idea of compromise, and what happens when you reach uncompromising moments in marriage?

Sponsors …

Evree: Our favorite intimate product! Get 10% off every order with our code SMR - https://smr.fm.evree

Ac...

In this episode of Sexy Marriage Radio, we explore a couple's unconventional approach to addressing intimacy and trauma within their marriage, including the use of love dolls as a means of connection and healing.

We analyze the emotional dynamics, projections, and underlying issues that influence their decisions, offering insights into navigating complex relationship challenges.

Sponsors …

Evree: Our favorite intimate product! Get 10% off every order with our code SMR - https://smr.fm.evree

Academy: Join the Academy and go deeper. https://smr.fm/academy

The post We Bought Dolls For...

In this episode of Sexy Marriage Radio, we explore the complex dynamics of marriage, intimacy, betrayal, and personal growth through a detailed listener email.

We analyze issues like unmet expectations, loneliness, shame, and the impact of past trauma on marital intimacy, offering insights into healing and connection.

Enjoy the show!

On the Xtended version …

We go in depth about what the emailer must face in her situation and about herself.

Sponsors …

Evree: Our favorite intimate product! Get 10% off every order with our code SMR - https://smr.fm.e...

In this episode of Sexy Marriage Radio, Pam and I answer and email from a husband who has noticed he and his wife have had regular seasons of dry spells in their sex life throughout their 25 year marriage.

He wonders if this is normal in long term marriages. And is curious about the fact that they don't talk about this pattern, so is this fact possibly the bigger issue?

Enjoy the show!

On the Xtended version …

We go in depth about how to address the silence in our relationship patterns.

...

In this episode of Sexy Marriage Radio, Pam and I explore the complex factors affecting male and female sexual health, including hormonal therapy, masturbation habits, weight, mental health, and systemic influences. We talk about insights into retraining the nervous system, addressing emotional barriers, and fostering healthier intimacy.

Enjoy the show!

On the Xtended version …

We go continue the conversation more in depth about what the husband and the wife can do in their situation.

Sponsors …

Academy: Join the Academy and go deeper. https://smr.fm/academy

The post N...

In this episode of Sexy Marriage Radio, Pam and I explore the dynamics of higher and lower desire in marriage, focusing on how these roles influence sexual frequency and emotional interactions. We do a deep dive into a common pitfall like weaponizing desire differences and offers insights on living within these realities healthily.

Enjoy the show!

On the Xtended version …

We go through in more detail what the Higher Desire Spouse can do within the desire differences dynamic.

Sponsors …

Academy: Join the Academy and go deeper. https://smr.fm/academ...

In this episode of Sexy Marriage Radio, our daughter Sydney joins me as we explore relationship dynamics across generations -- from a 20-year-old college student and a 54-year-old married man. Our conversation covers thoughts on commitment, self-awareness, and realistic expectations in relationships.

Enjoy the show!

Sponsors …

OneSkin: Get 15% off OneSkin with the code PASSION at https://www.oneskin.co/PASSION
#oneskinpod

Academy: Join the Academy and go deeper. https://smr.fm/academy

The post A Father and Daughter Talk About Relationships #772 first appeared on Sexy Marriage Radio.

In this episode of Sexy Marriage Radio, Pam and I explore various pieces of cringe-worthy marriage advice often found on social media, particularly TikTok.

We discuss the implications of popular sayings like 'Happy wife equals happy life' and 'Never go to bed angry,' highlighting how these phrases can lead to unhealthy dynamics in relationships. The conversation dives into the complexities of compromise, the myth of soulmates, the importance of effective communication, and the necessity of setting boundaries.

Ultimately, we emphasize that while rituals like date nights can be beneficial, they are not a substitute...

Everyone gets the full show …

In this episode of Sexy Marriage Radio, Pam and I discuss the concept of differentiation in parenting, emphasizing the importance of emotional regulation, modeling behavior, and teaching children how to handle their emotions.

We explore the various stages of child development, from early childhood to adulthood, and how parents can guide their children through emotional challenges while fostering independence and responsibility.

Our conversation also touches on the dynamics of in-law relationships and the importance of creating a supportive family environment that encourages healthy communication and boundaries.

En...

In this episode of Sexy Marriage Radio, Pam and I explore various pieces of cringe-worthy marriage advice often found on social media, particularly TikTok.

We discuss the implications of popular sayings like 'Happy wife equals happy life' and 'Never go to bed angry,' highlighting how these phrases can lead to unhealthy dynamics in relationships. The conversation dives into the complexities of compromise, the myth of soulmates, the importance of effective communication, and the necessity of setting boundaries.

Ultimately, we emphasize that while rituals like date nights can be beneficial, they are not a substitute...

In this episode of Sexy Marriage Radio, Pam and I discuss the concept of mind mapping and its implications for communication in marriage.

We explore how mind mapping influences the way we perceive and react to each other, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness and understanding in navigating relationship dynamics. We also highlight common pitfalls such as over-certainty, anxiety, and miscommunication, while also offering insights on how to foster personal growth and improve relational interactions.

Ultimately, our episode encourages listeners to trust actions over words and to cultivate a steady presence in their relationships.

...

We go back into the vault and hear a regular guest again today, Dr Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, as we dive into the relational dynamic of attraction and desire.

They happen to us, and we choose them.

They naturally ebb and flow.

And how do we get them back if they are lost?

Learn more about Jennifer here - https://finlayson-fife.com/

Enjoy the show!

Sponsors …
Academy: Join the Academy and go deeper. https://smr.fm/academy

The post Best of SMR: Attraction and Desire | Dr Je...

In this episode of Sexy Marriage Radio, Pam and I discuss the concept of covert contracts in marriage, exploring how unspoken agreements can lead to frustration and resentment.

We discuss a listener's email about feeling unappreciated despite being a good spouse and the challenges of initiating intimacy without pressure. Our conversation emphasizes the importance of open communication, breaking the cycle of scorekeeping, and fostering genuine desire in relationships.

Enjoy the show!

On the Xtended version …

We talk more in-depth about the pressures inherent in marriage and how to handle the initiations an...

In this episode of Sexy Marriage Radio, Pam and I discuss the complexities of conflict in marriage, particularly in the context of parenting and managing family dynamics. We explore how conflict can arise from external pressures and how couples can navigate these challenges together.

Our conversation emphasizes the importance of understanding each other's responses to conflict, utilizing resources for better communication, and creating a safe space for discussions. We also provide practical advice on managing conflict in parenting and maintaining a healthy relationship amidst challenges.

Enjoy the show!

On the Xtended version …

...

In this episode of Sexy Marriage Radio, Pam and I answer an email from a listener about how she can seek her own pleasure after orgasm troubles have appeared. The wife shares that she has been diagnosed with lichen planus, which has impacted her ability to orgasm during intercourse. Despite this, she can still achieve orgasm through masturbation and is contemplating whether it is selfish to ask her husband to allow her to masturbate alongside him after they have sex.

Our conversation explores into the complexities of sexual intimacy, particularly how changes in the body and sexual...

In this episode of Sexy Marriage Radio, Pam and I discuss how vacations can serve as a vital reset for relationships, allowing couples to reconnect and rejuvenate their bond.

We explore the dynamics of vacationing, the importance of creating bandwidth for each other, and how to implement the relaxed mindset of vacations into everyday life. This is more about the need for intentionality in maintaining connection and intimacy beyond the vacation setting.

Enjoy the show!

On the Xtended version …

There are several different kinds of vacations - we discuss some of th...