Becoming Me

Episode 169

I've been quiet for the past month without an announced break. In this shorter episode I share with you the reason for my silence as well as an update about what's happening in the podcast. 

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Links to my recent Holy Week written sharings (mentioned in this episode):

To My Fellow Complex Trauma Survivors Who Struggle with Holy Week
A Good Friday Confession (I Don't Feel Anything)
Before You Ask Catholics to “Come Home” this Easter
Easter Hope for the S...

Episode 168

In this re-sharing of a Season 10 episode, I explore why deconstruction is a necessary part of healing from complex trauma — especially for people of faith.

I define deconstruction as questioning assumptions we've never questioned before and opening up to new possibilities. I share three zones where I've experienced this:

1. Self-Identity — Differentiating between the survival "Role Self" I built to be accepted and my true "Core Self" that had been buried.

2. Familial & Cultural Values — Recognising how traditions and values handed down through my family facilitated harm and kept me sil...

Episode 167

In this episode, I'm exploring deconstruction through the lens of differentiation and individuation—two psychological concepts that have profoundly shaped my faith journey.

For years, I related to Catholicism the way I related to my family of origin—with enmeshment, not healthy boundaries. I believed that closeness meant having no division, that love meant disappearing into the other. I carried this into my relationship with God, believing I had to disappear into Him rather than becoming fully myself.

In this episode, I talk about:

Episode 166

In this bonus mini-episode,  I share what it's like to taste the fruit of a nine year long interior integration and healing process of my family of origin complex trauma. I describe in concrete terms what this feels like in my body and in the impact I see it has on the rest of my family. I hope this encourages those who are similar healing journeys!

Watch on YouTube here.

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Episode 165

Have you ever wondered why some people deconstruct not only their religion but also their entire faith in God, while others deconstruct aspects of organised religion yet retain a relationship with the divine or even with the Christian God?

In this episode, I explore the distinction between deconstructing our notions of God and deconstructing the institutional aspects of faith like Christianity or Catholicism. Drawing from personal experience, I discuss how our individual deconstruction journeys unfold differently based on the depth of our personal encounters with God versus what we've been taught through...

Episode 164

In this episode, I talk about how moral injury can be connected to or trigger deconstruction. This is a topic that has been deeply significant in my own journey of interior integration and healing.

Moral injury is the damage done to one's conscience or moral compass when we perpetrate, witness, or fail to prevent acts that transgress our own moral beliefs and values. Originally studied in war veterans, this concept has helped me understand the trauma I've experienced in relation to the Catholic Church and spiritual harm.

I share how...

Episode 163

In this episode, I dive into one of the most challenging aspects of deconstruction: trying to explain it to others who haven't experienced it themselves.

I respond to a thoughtful question from a follower about how to remain committed to the church while being honest about its limitations during deconstruction. But as I share, this question itself reveals the gap between those observing deconstruction from the outside and those living through it.

What I explore in this episode:

Episode 162

Welcome to my first episode of 2026! After a six-week break, I'm returning with greater clarity and readiness to share about a topic I've been living through: deconstruction.

In this episode, I'm opening up about my personal journey through deconstruction—not as an outside observer, but as someone who has walked (and is still walking) this difficult path. 

What I Cover:

• Why lived experience matters when discussing deconstruction—and why resources from those who haven't gone through it often fall short

• The crucial connection between deconstruction and trauma th...

Episode 161

What if the reason spiritual abuse is so rampant yet unrecognised in the Church is because these kind of dynamics have always been part of the way the Church existed in the world?

In this deeply personal episode, I talk about my journey awakening to and grappling with the legacy of spiritual abuse and trauma within the Catholic Church. I share the story of how I was led in my interior journey into deconstructing my old Self, the way I related to my family of origin and eventually my understanding of and...

Episode 160

We know we’re called to holiness, that we’re called to be saints. But have we really grappled with what holiness means? With what becoming saints really mean? In my latest podcast episode I share how I have come to ask these questions in much more earnest after learning about how even canonised saints commit great harm to people, and how some of these harmful actions are even considered by many as part of holiness.

I dive into the concepts of sainthood and holiness, especially in light of personal experiences with trau...

Episode 159

In today's episode, we explore the intersection of enmeshment trauma and spiritual abuse. If you're new to the concept, enmeshment trauma occurs in families that are too close to the point where individual boundaries and self-identity are compromised. This episode delves into the signs and impacts of enmeshment trauma, such as poor boundaries, lack of self-identity, feeling overly responsible for others and constant seeking of approval. 

I also discuss how these dynamics can lead to spiritual abuse within both families and faith communities, particularly through the misuse of authority and abuse of c...

Episode 158

In this episode, I continue the discussion on spiritual abuse by focusing on Abuse of Conscience. I share my personal journey of discovering this subtle yet pervasive form of abuse, how it affected my life, and my path to recognising my own role in it. 

I discuss how my own spiritual trauma and distorted image of God fuelled my participation in this form of spiritual abuse and share how experiencing God's unconditional love has been crucial in my healing process both as a survivor and perpetrator of abuse of conscience. 

Wa...

Episode 157

In this episode, I build on my last episode’s discussion of how culture, disembodied faith, and trauma contribute to an environment conducive to spiritual abuse. I delve into the responsible use of power and influence, sharing personal insights and experiences. 

I discuss how, even with good intentions, we can unintentionally harm others by imposing ourselves and violating the sacred freedom of another person’s conscience that even God respects. I offer tips for exercising influence in a non-coercive and respectful manner, emphasising the importance of honouring each person's freedom and dignity. 

W...

Episode 156

In this episode, I delve into three factors that facilitate spiritual abuse, especially within the experience of many Catholics. Reflecting on a personal experience during a silent retreat, I explore how complex trauma, disembodied faith, and cultural influences create environments where spiritual abuse can easily occur. 

I share insights on recognising these dynamics and discuss the importance of becoming trauma-informed to foster authentic spiritual maturity and embodied faith. This conversation aims to support individuals on their journey of healing and integration, helping them understand the systemic and personal elements contributing to spiritual a...

Episode 155

In this episode, Paul Fahey joins me in a pivotal conversation about spiritual abuse within the context of evangelisation and church communities. We share our journey from years of traditional evangelisation to a deeper understanding of the Great Commandments and how they relate to the Great Commission. We examine the importance of truly loving others as Christ loves us and how our distorted images of God can impact our relationships and evangelisation efforts. 

We address the often-overlooked emotional and psychological abuses by those in spiritual authority and discuss what a healthy use o...

Episode 154

As I round off Season 10 of the Becoming Me podcast, here’s an overview of how my content has evolved together with the progression of my interior journey and some updates to address inquiries about my coaching offers. As I take a break from the podcast to recalibrate, I invite you to explore past episodes and continue engaging with my content on my other platforms. God bless and happy becoming!

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and su...

Episode 153

In this special episode about being securely loved by God the Father, I sit down with Isaac Wicker, a Catholic licensed therapist from Minnesota with a decade of mental health experience and host of the 'Whole Human' podcast. Isaac shares his unique upbringing in a deeply Catholic family in the Communion and Liberation Catholic movement, his transformative experiences, and his innovative 12-week program, 'Known: embraced by the Heart of the Father,' which integrates psychology and Catholic faith.

This conversation is an invitation to explore the security and ease that come from...

Episode 152  

In this deeply personal episode, I explore the impact of Pope Francis' recent passing, especially how he became a bridge of trust during my period of intense interior deconstruction. Over the past decade, I've grappled with my Catholic faith, my relationship with the church, and undergone a profound journey of inner healing. 

I share how Pope Francis’ actions and witness offered me a path through complex trauma and relational betrayals, both familial and institutional. This episode is dedicated to my fellow trauma survivors who struggle with their faith, relationships, and especially with the...

Episode 151 (Bonus)  

In this special bonus episode for Holy Week, I share a deeply personal and vulnerable story about my journey through spiritual trauma and healing. Last year, I wrote an open letter on my personal blog, disclosing the challenges I've faced and continue to face as a complex trauma survivor within the Catholic faith. 

From experiencing physical symptoms of distress during Mass to grappling with deeply ingrained religious guilt, I invite you to witness my journey towards understanding, acceptance, and integration. I hope my story resonates with others who struggle with similar fe...

Episode 150  

In this heartfelt conversation, I sit down with Paul Fahey, a limited licensed professional counselor, retreat leader, and catechist from Michigan, USA. Paul shares insights from his work in pastoral counseling for Catholics who have been spiritually abused and his efforts to educate ministers to be more equipped in their ministry. We delve into the complex nature of spiritual and religious trauma, the importance of language in healing from trauma, and the profound teachings of the Catholic Church on human dignity. 

Through personal stories and shared experiences, we explore the critical theme of...

Episode 149  

In this episode, I delve into the unique challenges that Catholic and Christian trauma survivors face in their healing journeys. Drawing from my own experiences and observations, I outline five specific reasons why faith can often complicate trauma recovery for believers. 

From the difficulty of accepting abuse within 'good' religious families, to the guilt around naming harm and the complexities of forgiveness, I discuss the psychological and spiritual hurdles that can impede healing. Join me as I explore how religious convictions, while deeply meaningful, sometimes inadvertently obstruct the path to recovery.

Episode 148   

In this episode, I address a profound question from a long-time podcast listener and religious sister in Southeast Asia regarding her healing journey. We explore the intricacies of feeling productive and empowered at times, facing moments of deep uncertainty and doubt at others, and when questions of authenticity, accountability, and integrity become overwhelming. 

I break down the layers of her experience from a coaching perspective, discussing the sensation of overwhelm, life scripts centered around productivity, internal family systems (IFS) theory, and the stages of faith development from the Critical Journey model. This epi...

Episode 147   

In this episode, I discuss a common challenge faced by complex trauma survivors: the notion that those who harmed us did the best they could. I emphasise why it's crucial not to accept this idea too early in the healing process. 

We need to focus on acknowledging the harm and injustice inflicted upon us before considering the limitations and reasons why our abusers acted the way they did. This is a journey of radical honesty and acceptance, facing uncomfortable truths without bypassing our emotions. 

Join me as I explore why trut...

Episode 146   

In this episode, I delve into the challenging and often misunderstood topic of deconstruction, especially for those of us healing from complex trauma as persons of faith. 

I share my own journey and how deconstruction has been an essential part of my healing process. We'll define what deconstruction means in this context and explore the three zones where I experienced it: Self-Identity, Family and Cultural Values, and Faith. Despite its inherent risk, deconstruction is a necessary and important part of the journey towards wholeness and a more secure faith in God. 
 
I...

Episode 145   

In this episode, I open up about the challenges of experiencing setbacks in the healing journey. I share a recent personal experience that triggered a significant emotional response and discuss the importance of recognizing and managing these setbacks. By acknowledging the dynamics of our internal responses, such as through the lens of Internal Family Systems and complex trauma, I hope to offer support and validation for those feeling disheartened by setbacks. I seek to share a reminder that setbacks are a normal part of healing. Join me as I share honest reflections from my on...

Episode 144   

In this episode, I share a deeply personal story about the painful moment when I realized that having faith and spiritual practices alone couldn't save me from the dysfunctional patterns in my life.

I discuss the inadvertent impact of unconscious complex trauma, the harm of spiritual abuse, and the significance of human integration in the healing journey. This reflection highlights the importance of seeking broader resources beyond faith practices in the journey toward wholeness in healing. This may include developing insight on psychological and family dynamics. I hope this sharing makes you fe...

Episode 143   

In this episode, I briefly discuss the importance of understanding spiritual abuse, particularly if you're on a healing journey from trauma and its effects on your relationship with God. I outline three major reasons why learning about spiritual abuse is crucial: it helps identify and heal from obstacles in our relationship with God, prevents the inadvertent perpetuation of abuse, and enhances accountability and responsibility, especially for those in leadership positions within the Catholic Church. 

I also introduce an invaluable workshop presented by Paul Fahey, focusing on recognising, preventing, and responding to spiritual abu...

Episode 142   

In this episode, I delve into an intriguing question posed by one of my listeners: Can healing of complex trauma happen through a personal encounter with God where He reveals His true nature to us? 

Building on a previous video that discussed how healing complex trauma transforms our image of God, I explore the multidimensional aspects of such healing. I share insights from my personal faith journey, emphasising that while direct, mystical experiences with God can indeed be a significant part of healing, they are only one facet. 

I discuss the...

Episode 141   

In this episode, I delve into how our healing from complex trauma also heals our image of God. Drawing from my own experiences since 2008, I discuss three types of trauma—emotional neglect, emotional/spiritual abuse, and enmeshment trauma—and their impact on our relationship with God.

I explain how authentic love and healing can reshape these distorted images, drawing on personal stories and insights to illustrate this transformative process. I also address the challenges and fears that come with such profound changes in our understanding and experience of God. Join me as I shar...

Episode 140 

In this episode, I explore how complex trauma affects our ability to make spiritual discernment by making it difficult for us to have "holy indifference". Often times we know we struggle to have that detachment we need to make a good discernment, but we don't realise that our difficulties may not be due to spiritual failings but because of the wounds in our embodied emotional capacity for authentic, secure love.

I discuss the importance of a secure attachment with God, the impact of trauma on our nervous system, how that affects our i...

Episode 139 

In this episode, I address a thought-provoking question from one of my subscribers who asked how can we experience the unconditional love of God. I delve into the concept of embodied spirituality, underscoring the indispensability of involving our entire being—body, senses, and soul—in our spiritual journey to connect with God's love more authentically.

I share practical methods to engage with God in daily life which serve as pathways to recognise and feel His presence more tangibly. Moreover, I distinguish between feeling loved by God and truly soaking in His unconditional love...

Episode 138 

In this personal narrative, I discuss my journey as a recovering complex trauma survivor, grappling with a deep-seated fear of criticism, judgment, and rejection, and how these fears intersect with my faith and my walk with Christ.

I explore the concept of interior integration and the realisation that my fear of criticism was not just about a lack of faith, but a signal of deeper issues stemming from complex trauma and a lack of secure attachment with both myself and God.

This sharing highlights my shift from viewing my fears t...

Episode 137 

In this episode, I delve into the journey of personal vocation discernment across different stages of faith, inspired by the book 'The Critical Journey: Stages in the Life of Faith'. I share my insights on how our inner journey and the process of discerning our personal calling evolves from the initial stages of discovering God, moving through discipleship and productivity, to questioning, doubt and interior wrestling, and finally towards a deeper integration and living out our vocation.

Watch this recording on YouTube.
Book: The Critical Journey: Stages in the Life of F...

Bonus Episode 136

In this episode, I share some updates as my subscriber count has grown across various platforms. Whether you're new to my content or a long-time follower, I introduce myself, my journey, and my mission behind creating content to support the interior integration journey of deepening intimacy with God and psychological and emotional healing.

I discuss the integration of intellectual and relational dimensions of faith, my personal experiences, and how they shape my content. I'll also provide updates on future content consolidation, my evolving journey, and why there might be a slower...

Episode 135

In this episode, I delve into the transition many of us experience from spiritual fervour to spiritual maturity, especially during deep healing and integration. I discuss the differences between these stages, focusing on their characteristics and how we respond to suffering.

By sharing my personal experiences and insights into the stages of faith development, I aim to reassure you that losing initial spiritual passion is a natural part of maturing in faith. Join me as I offer a  look at how this journey helps us love more like God does. I hope t...

Episode 134

Join me in this candid episode as I engage in a heartfelt conversation with trauma-informed and somatic-trained Catholic spiritual guide Edwina Yeow, founder of Anam Cara Ministries (Singapore). We delve into the deep connection between trauma, spirituality, and our relationship with God. Edwina, a seasoned Catholic spiritual director with 30 years of experience, shares invaluable insights on integrating spiritual direction, psychology, and somatic awareness to address trauma’s impact on our relationship with God.

We discuss the importance of involving the body in spiritual healing and the role trauma plays in shaping our re...

Episode 133

In this episode, I share my personal experience with spiritual midlife crisis.

I share about the difficult and transformative phases of my journey, including moments of doubt, deep introspection, and the deconstruction of my previously held beliefs and practices. Through this challenging journey, I discovered crucial resources that guided me to understand the stages of faith development and the significance of the 'Wall', a pivotal point in one's spiritual midlife.

I emphasise the importance of integrating one's emotional and spiritual aspects and the crucial role of seeking support through spiritual...

Episode 132

In this episode, I introduce and share reflections from “The Critical Journey: Stages in the Life of Faith," by Janet O. Hagberg and Robert A. Guelich. This remarkable resource opened my eyes to the stages of faith development, reinforcing the crucial role of experiential learning and integrating emotional healing with spiritual growth.

I share insights from each of the six stages described in the book, weaving in reflections on my own progression and the introspective challenges encountered, especially the profound impact of confronting 'The Wall' in Stage 4.

My aim is to...

Episode 131

In this episode, I share my personal journey from having a disembodied faith, which was largely intellectual and disconnected from my emotional and physical experiences, to developing an embodied faith that integrates my beliefs with all aspects of my life. I delve into what disembodied faith means, why many of us experience faith this way, and the transformative process towards embodying our faith.

Through my own story of interior healing and integration, I highlight three key signs that indicate a shift towards a more incarnate, lived faith, emphasising the importance of embracing...

Episode 130

In this episode, I share my deep personal reflections on what it means to lay down my life in alignment with Christ, but without feeling lesser for it. Growing up in an enmeshed family system with rigid expectations of selflessness, ingrained through my Catholic upbringing, I faced challenges in understanding genuine self-sacrifice.

I discuss the subtle yet critical difference between self-abandonment—a state that breeds resentment and diminishes self-worth—and genuine self-gift which is free and joyful, enriching both myself and others.

My aim is to guide listeners on a path...