Dad Starting Over

A guy wrote to me last week with something he says he's never told another human being.

Fourteen months without sex. He stopped asking back in February, not as a strategy, just because he got tired of the way she goes still instead of saying no. Then last Tuesday his wife brought up having a third baby.
And here's the part he can't say out loud to anybody: when they were trying for their two boys, the bedroom came alive. Both times. Sex all the time, for months. And both times, about three months after the...

Marni Kinrys has spent more than 23 years coaching men from the female perspective. She's The Wing Girl, and she says something most women won't say on camera: a man who can't stand up for himself, has no opinions, and says "yes dear" to everything doesn't make her feel safe. He makes her angry.

We got into why so many men were raised to be that guy. Mom, school teachers, the "don't you dare be like your father" speech. Robert Glover and the shame of the thoughts in your own head. The nice guy who went pickup artist...

A follower — I'll call him Grant — wrote to me three weeks after a coworker handed him her hotel room number on a business trip. He said no. He also told me it took everything he had, and that the number that kept running through his head while he sat on the edge of that hotel bed was eighteen months — as in, eighteen months since his own wife had touched him.

Here's the part that makes this different from most dead-bedroom stories: for the first 18 years of their marriage, she was the one who initiated. Constantly. He's not a man...

A follower sent me an email about his divorce. Seventeen years, two kids, final fourteen months ago. He keeps a note on his phone called "What I Did": thirty-one entries, nine years of his own mistakes, and he reads it at night looking for the one that broke his marriage. His question to me: "What else should go on the list? I can take it."

In this video I read D's email word for word, and then I answer him — just not the way he wants.

Because that list isn't accountability. The self-improvement world taught yo...

Stuck in a divorce or custody fight that never seems to end? Brook Olsen has spent 25 years helping parents get out of high-conflict divorces, and his main point is simple: every time you engage, you keep the fight going.
 
Brook is the founder of the High Conflict Diversion Program and host of the High Conflict Co-Parenting Podcast. He went through a high-conflict divorce himself. We talk about:
 
- What makes a divorce "high conflict," and why custody drives most of it
- Why gray rocking is only step one, and Brook's 3 stages of disengagement

A woman posted that her husband was "visibly and audibly sad" watching her sell off her pre-baby hot girl clothes. She thought it was funny. The internet piled on him for being a pig. Every married man in a dead bedroom read that and felt it in his gut.

The woman he married was a sexy, fun, feminine creature. Then the kids came, and that side of her got boxed up and sold on Facebook Marketplace. Nobody asked him if he was okay with the trade.

I've been working with men in sexless marriages for...

Why does the passion fade after the wedding, the kids, or perimenopause, and what can you actually do about it?

I sit down with Cassie, a pediatric occupational therapist and PhD fellow who teaches child development and attachment theory. She's also a high-libido woman with ADHD, so she knows this from both sides. We get into the brain chemistry behind desire, why "openness" may be the most important trait to look for in a partner, how church and family shape a woman's sexuality, weight and hormones, perimenopause, scheduled vs. spontaneous sex, and why getting moving together is...

You stopped trying. You stopped reaching for her. And instead of the marriage cracking, she got happier. Lighter. Relieved. Just not with you. If your wife seemed to bloom the moment you stopped wanting her, this one's for you, brother. It's not proof you were the problem. It's information. And it points to two roads out.

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It's 9:40 at night. You texted her about the weekend. She wrote back one word: "Sure." Three months ago that would have gotten you four paragraphs and a voice memo. Now you're standing in your kitchen with your heart going, and nothing is actually wrong.

That's withdrawal.

In this video I break down a pairing I see constantly in my inbox: the man with ADHD, whose brain runs on stimulation instead of importance, and the woman who floods him with more of it in ninety days than he's had in his whole life. Four things switch...

She still sleeps with you… so why do you feel more alone than ever? In this video we go after one of the most damaging traps in a sexless marriage: duty sex, or "pity sex." The flat, going-through-the-motions intimacy a lot of men accept because they tell themselves "at least it's something." Here's the hard truth: that "something" may be doing more damage to your self-esteem than getting nothing at all, and I'll show you exactly why, and what to do about it.

This isn't about blaming you. You're not broken. You're a man at a crossroads. Le...

She told you the experts agree. That the healthiest couples stop having sex. That wanting your own wife makes you the problem. In this video I break down the wellness talking point being used to shut men down in dead bedrooms all over the country, why there's just enough truth in it to make you doubt yourself, and what's actually going on underneath it.

Here's the short version: a sexless marriage can be healthy. If both people are okay with it. You're not okay with it. So the whole argument falls apart the second she leaves out...

"She's just stressed." The kids, the job, her mom, the move. You've been telling yourself that for seven years.

Real stress comes and goes. The deadline passes, the mother-in-law goes home, and the couple that's actually okay finds their way back to each other. If yours survived three jobs, two houses, and one good year, it's not stress anymore. It's the climate.

In this video I break down why "she's just stressed" is the most useful lie in a dead bedroom: what the stress story does for you (keeps her blameless, keeps you busy, keeps...

Cassie is back. She's an occupational therapist who works with neurodiverse kids, she lectures at the college level, she'll have her PhD next May, and she has severe lifelong ADHD herself. She doesn't dance around any of it.

By my estimate the majority of the men in my community are neurodivergent in one flavor or another. This conversation is about what that actually does to a marriage.

We get into:

The man who had a business, a full social life, and six things going at once, gave all of it up to get...

She didn't say she was tired. She didn't say "not tonight." She said she'd rather end the whole marriage than be physical with you again. And now you can't stop hearing it.

In this one I read an email from a man who got hit with that exact line, and I break down what it actually reveals. Not about you. About where things really stand. Because most men take a sentence like that and turn it into a verdict on their worth. That's the trap. And it's the wrong read.

🔴 FREE: Fix Your Dead Bedroom (Ins...

Kate is the admittedly avoidant partner to Tyler Ely, the anxious partner I had on a previous live stream. Tyler read The Dead Bedroom Fix, backed off, and started working on his own security. It helped. We heard his side. This one is hers.

Three years ago they sat in therapy and talked about ending it. Today she cancels plans so she can be around him.

What she gets into:

She told you she needs to feel "safe" before she can want you again. So you did the logical thing. You got softer. Gentler. More patient. More accommodating. You walked on eggshells and gave her all the space and comfort she asked for.

And she wants you even less than before.

In this one I break down the therapy-language excuse that has trapped a whole generation of good men, and why "being safe" is almost always the thing making it worse, not better. We get into the difference between real safety and hijacked therapy-speak, why...

He told himself the same thing for eleven years. Just hold on until the kids are grown, then we'll reconnect. The empty nest came. Nothing changed.

In this one I read a real email from a 58-year-old man sitting in a silent house, asking if it's too late and whether he wasted his window. Then I walk through the final talk. When to have it, how to have it from a place of strength, and why "waiting it out" is the trap that costs men their best years.

This isn't about blowing up your marriage...

New series, new co-host. Cassie (https://x.com/FutureDrSassy) is an occupational therapist, a researcher, and a certified pelvic floor therapist — and starting now, she and I are going to have the conversations about sex and intimacy that nobody had with any of us growing up.

This first one starts where all of it starts: childhood. What you watched your parents do — the hand-holding, the date nights, the kisses in the kitchen, or the total absence of all of it — became your blueprint. So when Mr. Anxious does his research and figures out his wife is avoidant, my fir...

His wife said it five or six times over the course of a year. "If you need it that bad, just go find it somewhere else." He sat her down one night and asked her to confirm it. She did. Twice.

A few weeks later he had one phone call with an old friend from college. Ninety minutes. No flirting. Nothing physical. She was going through her own divorce and needed someone to talk to.

A few days later, his wife went through his phone, found the unfamiliar number, and called it herself just to...

Alison Armstrong has been studying men since 1991, when she caught herself bringing out the worst in them and assuming that's who men really were. Thirty-five years later, she's the author of The Queen's Code, the creator of the Understanding Men and Understanding Women courses, and most of her work is teaching WOMEN to stop emasculating men. This week she sat down with a channel full of guys rebuilding after divorce.

We got into: why women are the aggressor in the so-called war between the sexes, why you should be very careful with relationship advice written by women...

He stopped initiating six months ago. He told himself it was a test. He waited for her to notice. She never did.

In this episode I break down what's actually going on when a husband quietly withdraws from his sexless marriage and his wife doesn't react. Spoiler: it's not what most guys think. It's not her being checked out for a week. It's data. And the data is loud.

We cover:

The quiet test most men eventually run
Greg's email
Why this wasn't really a test
What her silence actually...

What if she already loves you as much as she is capable of loving anybody? And it's still not enough for you.

Not because she's cruel. Not because she's punishing you. Not because there's a switch you haven't found yet. The tank just isn't that big.

I had an attachment expert named Cassie on my live stream, and she told me a story I haven't been able to shake. She'd been with an avoidant man who discarded her with no real explanation. Nine months later they ran into each other and he lit up like...

A full hour LIVE with therapist and author Laura How — one of the very few women publicly saying what she says about sexless marriages. So few, in fact, that the wives in her own village have stopped saying hello.

We covered a lot of ground: whether you should stay when the in-love feelings fade, why "I fell out of love" is usually an ego defense, what attachment dysfunction actually is (hint: it's arrested development, and it's everywhere), the rise of "the ick," why your algorithm has convinced you all women are avoidant, and the myth that a wi...

He came home early from a work trip. Didn't text ahead. Walked in and found out the truth.

His wife doesn't have a desire problem. The desire works fine. He's just not part of it.

Derek wrote me after sitting in his car for twenty minutes trying to figure out what to do with what he just found out. In this episode I break down what's actually going on — why the vibrator isn't about preference, what the anxious-avoidant dynamic looks like inside a dead bedroom, and what Derek actually does next.

🔴 FREE: Fix Your...

Here is a recording of impromptu live stream I recently did. No script, no agenda, just me and the chat. And as usual, the unscheduled ones end up being the best ones.

This stream turned into a full clinic on the stuff I hear from men every single day: the guy who told his wife he desired her and got nothing back. The guy 10 years into a sexless marriage who swears he "shouldn't have to" bring it up. The guy engaged to a woman who already tells him "you sexualize everything." And the one that floors the...

A man divorces his wife after two years of zero affection post-menopause. He starts dating again, shares his story with a woman he's seeing, and she calls him a narcissist. His ex-wife used the same word. Now he's writing to me wondering if they're right.

In this episode, I break down what actual narcissism is, why the word has become a go-to weapon in relationship conflict, and how to think clearly about whether the label actually fits you — or whether it's being used to make you feel like the problem when you're not.

🔴 FREE: Fix Your...

She stopped hugging you. She doesn't hold your hand. She shifts away on the couch without even thinking about it. You tell yourself it's just a sex problem. But deep down, you know it's not.

I respond to a letter from Mike — 42, married 11 years — who had the moment where he realized it wasn't just the bedroom that went dead. It was everything.

We break down: 

— The difference between a dead bedroom and a dead marriage
— Why "the talk" doesn't work (and makes it worse) 
— What her body is actually telling you 
— What mov...

Brian finally had the conversation. Sat his wife down, told her the truth — the distance, the loneliness, how much he missed her. She cried. She said she was sorry. She said she didn't want to lose them.

Two weeks later nothing has changed.

In this episode I break down why the crying moment feels like a breakthrough but often isn't, what's actually happening when a woman feels it in the moment and then goes right back to her default, and what men consistently get wrong in the weeks after a conversation like that.
If yo...

Tom finally got his wife to agree to couples counseling. He was hopeful for the first time in months. He thought they were finally going to address the real issues — the distance, the intimacy, the disconnection.

Instead every session became a list of everything he's ever done wrong. Old arguments. Ancient history. Things he's already apologized for. And the actual problems — a year without sex, emotional withdrawal — never got touched.

In this episode I break down what's actually happening when counseling gets weaponized, why the therapy room can become the most dangerous place in a strugg...

I went live with divorce coach Karen McMahon from Journey Beyond Divorce (https://www.jbddivorcesupport.com) and this turned into one of the most honest conversations I’ve had about what men actually go through during divorce.

We talked about:

Why “being a good guy” can destroy you in divorce

The hidden damage of codependency

Why men give too much away (money, custody, power)

The fear that keeps men stuck in bad marriages

What really happens after divorce (that no one tells you)

Why jumping into a...

A guy named Paul wrote in. His wife went through menopause three years ago. Since then — almost no sex. And every time he brings it up, she shows him articles and tells him this is just how it is now.

So Paul started believing her. Started feeling like a jerk for even wanting it.

In this episode I break down what's actually true about menopause and sex drive, why "it's biology" can become a conversation-ender that goes unquestioned, and what men in this situation are getting wrong when they accept the premise without pushing back.

Your wife changed after kids. You've felt it for years — the distance, the exhaustion, the version of her you remember from before that seems gone.

She's not gone. She's buried.

In this episode I break down what actually happens to women after having children — the hormonal shifts that suppress desire for years (not weeks), the identity collision that nobody warns her about, and the "touched out" phenomenon that makes her feel like her body isn't her own.

I also share a personal story — a trip my wife and I took to Austin — that showed m...

Three years of a sexless marriage. He finally told her it was over if nothing changed. She laughed — then went back to watching TV.
Four days later she's acting like nothing happened.

In this video I break down what that laugh actually means, why the "normal" behavior after a big conversation is the most dangerous window in a struggling marriage, and what men consistently get wrong in this exact moment.

If you're in a sexless marriage and feel like nothing you say lands — this one is for you.

📖 Get the Dead Bedroom Fix: ht...

A guy sent me an email that starts off like a lot of others…

Sexless marriage. No intimacy. Growing distance.

But then something changed.

His wife started going out more.
Dressing up.
Staying out late.
Acting like a completely different person.

And he’s sitting at home wondering what the hell is going on.

In this episode, I break down what it really means when a woman checks out of the relationship… and starts finding her energy somewhere else.

We talk about:

• Why beha...

A guy emailed me something that a lot of men are quietly thinking but don’t want to say out loud…

“My wife used to be wild before me. Now she barely wants anything to do with me.”

This one stings. Because it forces you to compare yourself to her past—and wonder what changed.

In this episode, I break down what’s really going on when a woman who once had a strong sexual side suddenly shuts it down in a long-term relationship.

We talk about:

• The science behind the hon...

A guy reached out to me after 15 years of marriage and a completely dead bedroom.

No intimacy. No desire. Nothing.

Then one day, he finds out his wife is cheating.

But not with another man… with another woman.

Now he’s trying to make sense of it:

Is she gay?
Is this just a phase?
Why does she suddenly have a sex drive again… just not with him?

In this episode, I break down what’s really going on when a woman checks out of a marria...

A husband wrote to me after 16 years of marriage.

Their sex life had slowly faded until they were barely intimate at all.

Then he noticed something strange.

His wife became very protective of her phone.

One day he looked.

What he found wasn’t explicit cheating… but it explained a lot.

In this episode we talk about:

• Emotional affairs and how they begin
• Why sexless marriages create vulnerability
• What to do when you discover suspicious messages
• Why confrontation often backfires

If you’re de...

Have you ever noticed how your wife or girlfriend can recall arguments from 10… 15… even 20 years ago with incredible detail?

Not just the event itself.

The exact words.
The tone.
Where you were standing.
What you said.

Meanwhile you're sitting there thinking, “I barely remember last week.”

In this episode, I explain why this happens and why women often remember emotional events in relationships far longer than men do. It’s not just a stereotype. There are real psychological and biological reasons behind it.

We’ll talk about emotio...

A husband wrote to me after 18 years of marriage.

Their sex life had slowed down like many long relationships.

Then one day his wife said something he never expected:

She wanted an open marriage.

She said it could make their relationship stronger.

He feels like the ground under his marriage suddenly shifted.

In this episode, I discuss:

• Why open marriage conversations often appear suddenly
• The role of novelty and new attention
• Why agreeing under pressure leads to resentment
• What a man should do when...

A 50-year-old husband wrote me after 20 years of marriage.

The sex faded after kids.
Intimacy disappeared.
Now his wife says she doesn’t want to be touched at all.

He stayed for their child.
He worked out.
He dressed better.
He read The Dead Bedroom Fix.
He tried to lead.

But nothing changed.

I break down what’s really happening when a marriage goes cold and a man slowly becomes passive without realizing it.

We talk about:

• Why staying “for the kids” of...