Self-Coaching

When we struggle, we often feel overwhelmed, confused, and unable to find the solace that has been snatched from us. When patients enter therapy, they often have no clue why they can’t stop their incessant, anxious worrying or snap out of a depressed mood that clouds their lives. In this Self-Coaching episode, I offer a way out—a way to untangle neurotic, habituated habits that prevent true happiness. The Self-Coaching solution is straightforward and rather simple. Rather than trying to make heads or tails of your struggles from a ‘macro’ level, where everything is a frustrating jumble of swirling thoughts...

Feeling stuck? Do you find yourself wrestling with ongoing emotional setbacks no matter how hard you try to find solace? When even the smallest challenges too often trigger fear, negativity, and self-doubt. If you find yourself stumped, scratching your head, and feeling tired of repeating the same old spiral of neurotic overthinking, then it may be time for a psychological reboot. In order to maximize your happiness and minimize your struggles, it’s important to have a clear understanding of what’s holding you back from the solace you seek. In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss five stumbling blocks that may...

Do you feel you have to have all the answers? To always be right? Do you treat your feelings as if they are unassailable facts? If so, it may be time to reflect on whether you may be too opinionated. Obviously, we all have opinions, but when you refuse to accept that someone else’s differing point of view might have merit, you are being driven not by your own perceptions but by insecurity.Opinionated people create a black-and-white word where ambiguity is eliminated. Insecurity abhors ambiguity; when insecurity fuels our perceptions, we have the illusion of absolute certainty. It’s an...

Most have experienced mountain-out-of-mole-hill thinking, what psychologists call catastrophizing. That’s when something goes awry in our lives, and we immediately jump to the worst possible conclusion. More often than not, we leap to this anxious conclusion with minimal objective reason to despair. Even when a situation isn’t dire, we still feel like we’re in a doom-and-gloom crisis. When caught up in catastrophic thinking, it’s not pleasant. You have racing thoughts; you begin to feel overwhelmed and out of control; you bombard yourself with pessimism and negativity; you feel like you’re emotionally suffocating…Phew! In the Self-Coachin...

We all overthink at times; research suggests that 73% of 25- to 35-year-olds and 52% of people over 45 chronically overthink. Although not a mental illness, overthinking has the potential to not only ruin your day but, more seriously, become the foundation and fuel of anxiety, depression, and all emotional struggles. In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss three types of overthinking: rumination, future tripping, and overanalyzing. Aside from circumstantial difficulties, like losing your wallet, twisting your ankle, or getting a call from the IRS, getting caught up in a habit of overthinking is an emotionally destructive habit that can be broken.

If life, in fact, were fair, then no one would ever suffer from an injustice, no good and decent person would ever be mugged, and no one’s reasonable expectations would ever be denied. Clearly, life isn’t always fair. We know this, well, kind of, but when we do experience unfairness or even cruelty, why do we cry, “This shouldn’t happen to me, it’s not fair”? Despite our objective view of the world, we cling to a more primitive expectation—an expectation of fairness.In this Self-Coaching episode, join me as I explore this intriguing concept of fairness in or...

My high school biology teacher taught me that humans avoid pain and seek pleasure. I agree with this, but I would like to add another human imperative: we like to be in control and don’t like feeling vulnerable. Because of habits of insecurity, many feel constantly out of control and vulnerable in their day-to-day lives. And lacking the psychological maturity and self-trust necessary to handle life, they, ostrich-like, look for ways to escape. In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss seven ‘ostrich’ behaviors that will prevent you from taking full responsibility for your challenges, leaving us often suffering from emotional strugg

We humans undoubtedly just want to feel safe in life. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel safe and less vulnerable, but when primitive, reflexive habits of insecurity (a.k.a. the Child Reflex) steer our lives, then there’s an inevitable price to pay—emotional struggle. In this follow-up to last week’s Self-Coaching episode, I dig deeper into three compensatory expressions that get us in trouble: the Star, the Fanatic, and the Control Freak. Join me as I explore these expressions, and don’t be surprised if you find some aspect of these perfectionistic-compulsive (PC) qualities in your own p...

Whether we’re talking about compulsivity or perfectionism, these personality traits have one thing in common: they’re misguided, insecurity-driven attempts to control feelings of vulnerability. As with other controlling strategies, stress becomes an inescapable component of maintaining a compulsive-perfectionistic lifestyle. In time, stress inevitably depletes, leading to emotional struggles, especially anxiety-based issues. It may be okay for others to come in second, spill ketchup on their blouse, or have a bad hair day, but not for perfectionists.  Striving for compulsive control of life is exhausting, yet many feel they have no choice. It’s a black-and-white world where not only do...

What comes to mind when you think of a turtle? The shell, right? When feeling threatened, turtles escape into the protection of their protective shells.  We, humans, also have shells, but not physical shells made of keratin, ours are behavioral—we have avoidant strategies to protect ourselves from perceived harm. In this Self-Coaching episode, I discuss the fact that all humans have shell-avoidant behaviors, but not all avoidant behavior is neurotic. It all depends. It depends on the thickness of your ‘shell.’ For some, kicking back and avoiding making a tedious phone call at the end of a long day; may be...