Make Your Damn Bed

He went to a wedding without me. He lied about my dad being sick when people asked about me. He was also regularly asking a woman from work if he could come meet up with her before shifts and after shifts. He had said "I love you" to another woman he sent thousands to for photos. I was devastated. And I spiraled. I hit rock bottom.

So I spent a week drilling in. Leaning into the horrors and demons. I got some closure but all the answers in the world will never be enough.

He didn't find it funny, as tricksters rarely do.

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This motherfucker looked me in my eyes and said I promise there is nothing else that will upset you in here. 

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Today's episode is explicit.... but not as explicit as tomorrow's.

This motherfucker looked me in my eyes and said I promise there is nothing else that will upset you in here. That... was a lie.

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Coyotes represent a trickster spirit, thank goodness there aren't coyotes in this suburb of Florida.

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I fall asleep ruminating. I wake up ruminating. Things are blinking and flashing on my dash but I can’t figure it out so I just keep trucking. I stop creating. It feels suddenly like math is a farce and chaos and disorder is the only reality. 

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“I don’t like it when the math ain’t mathing.“ - KENTHEMAN

I can do anything temporarily as long as there's hope at the end of the tunnel. The problem is, if I can't see that light? I'm gonna be freaking out until I believe there's hope ahead.

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He lost his job and when I asked how much he had in savings he said "nothing." and I realized everything I knew about this man was a lie. But I loved him more than money. I grew up rightfully being called "trailer trash" and struggling to eat anything fresh or unpreserved. I would happily live on the street with this man.

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Today we discuss some of the red flags I missed.

I picked my battles carefully and thoughtfully and got a therapist friend to confirm my question: rumination ocd can sometimes disguise itself as intuition. 

I needed this to be rumination and not true intuition, so I willed it so.

Shame is a demon and sometimes she takes over my whole being, so I am working on righting the ship (and not letting shame steer my life, anymore).

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Sorry for the delay, but I'm back... with a very personal story.

Mikey has been my BFF since 16. I’m 38. That’s More than half my life.

He’s always down for literally anything and will always offer to be the designated driver. He is generous and considerate as hell when he’s trying to be. He was the funniest person I knew before moving to Chicago for comedy and meeting real comics. He’s fun. He’s kind. He is adaptable. He is chill. The most calm voice in the room. But also down to...

We all worship something, only when we become aware of what we worship can we recognize that the "default setting" isn't always the full picture. There are always alternatives, many of them better than the ones we thought we were stuck with.

David Foster Wallace's commencement speech: https://fs.blog/david-foster-wallace-this-is-water/

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Additional Resources: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/digital-altruism/202505/what-if-weve-misunderstood-willpower-all-along

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We've talked about this speech before, but today I wanted to share the full thing, for context.

We all worship something, only when we become aware of what we worship can we recognize that the "default setting" isn't always the full picture. There are always alternatives, many of them better than the ones we thought we were stuck with.

David Foster Wallace's commencement speech: https://fs.blog/david-foster-wallace-this-is-water/

Get Jenny Odell's Books Here.

Buy Jenny Odell's book here.

Additional Resources: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/digital-altruism/202505...

NOTE: this is a rerun of episode 1059 because of some life stuff. I should be back tomorrow!

If I’ve learned anything from getting older, it’s that we’re all middle managers of our emotions, our energies, our moods, our feelings, and our experiences.

I’ve had a lot of different types of managers in the past that have taught me things about how I showed Innman and by recognizing my own capabilities and limitations and knowing what I actually enjoy as a manager I could slowly start to enjoy the process of managin...

You are good enough. You've always been good enough. You'll always be good enough.

There's always more to do, but that does NOT mean you haven't done enough.

If we started truly believing that, the economy as we know it, would crumble. And I dunno, maybe that's a good thing. Decentering your "beauty" makes you more beautiful.

Do you know how much time, energy, and money can be freed up when you say "this is good enough"?

You are perfect, right here, right now. You have to know...

Most people have very small margins. There's very little time/energy/money to focus on anything beyond basic survival. But for those of us with access to any margins (even tiny ones), we must be willing to expound upon them, exploit them, and set ourselves up for even larger ones down the line.

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The most successful strikes, boycotts, resistance, and activism has stemmed from people willing to be brave, think differently, and utilize the protection of the margins they're living in.

There are certain privileges that some of us are afforded, that can provide us with a "safety net" of protection in our acts of intentional resistance.

As more of our safety nets are removed, we are less protected when we rebel against the system. The point is to limit our power through limiting our resources and ability to act freely.

Pay attention...

We live in a dictatorship of capital. These "powerful" thieves have ingratiated themselves into every aspect of our existence. For us to push back, we'd need to decenter capital, but the system has set us up to be trapped in it.

The key is centering community. Not ourselves. There's a "third space" between escaping completely and participating willingly with the worst parts. Co-creating stability and safety through new ways that we've never imagined before.

The creation of a "third option" is overwhelming and seemingly hopeless work, but only when we force ourselves to...

As we become more disillusioned, pay attention to the ways you can push back or pivot or adapt.

The reality of our current situation is darker than any of us can imagine, and we need to stop pretending like things can "return to normal" because the "normal" has revealed itself to be unreasonably evil.

we must be willing to address the truth now, so we can co-create a better truth moving forward.

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"If the machine of government is of such a nature that it requires you to be the agent of injustice to another, then, I say, break the law." - Henry David Thoreau

In a world that shares none of my values, I must be willing to stand apart from it. It is uncomfortable, but less uncomfortable than assimilating to a culture that is in direct opposition to my personal morality. Ideally, our individual search for a "third space", will lead to a collective embracing of it.

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It's not healthy (or "sane") to follow the social norms of an unhealthy (or "insane") society.

There is a third (secret) space available for us to boycott, sabotage, and refuse to align with what is wrong with the current "norms" but we have to be willing to look at the world differently to see it. We don't have to decide between escape and compliance. There is a middle ground that can push back against the worst aspects of our culture, and inspire others to seek out their own freewill and autonomy to do the same.

Contemplation and participation are not mutually exclusive. We need to create space so we can see reality more clearly and orient ourselves towards what we really want. That said, we cannot renounce the world forever, if we want to be a part of a better one.

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The pull to escape is inherent in any of us living in our current hellscape, but what if we escaped-in-place by backing out of the future the ruling class is insisting upon, and instead, tapped into a future of our own creation.

Utopia doesn't exist. But a better world is available to those of us who are willing to abandon the current reality that curates harm as a way of control.

"Peace is an endless negotiation between two agents whose will cannot be engineered." - Jenny O'Dell

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The concept of a matriarchy is far more nuanced and empowering than a basic ass reversal of patriarchal roles.

There is a prioritization of balance over dominance, inclusion over exclusion, communal wellbeing over individual accumulation of power, environmental stewardship over endless growth, and a holistic/inclusive approach that considers impact in all areas rather than one.

THE SOURCES AND INSPIRATION:

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The extent of a society’s development is most clearly reflected in the freedom women enjoy, and in the extent to which they are able to express their creativity. - heide goettner-abendroth

THE SOURCES AND INSPIRATION:

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In the late 60's a bunch of hippie communes popped up across the US, and the ideals were beautiful... but sadly shortlived and often filled with conflict because they focused on escapism instead of true collaboration.

If we avoid politics as a way to resist tyranny, we may end up fostering a different form of tyranny.

Similarly to the tolerance paradox: Governance can by tyrannical but so can non-governance.

THE SOURCES AND INSPIRATION:

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“Stupidity is an attempt to iron out all differences, and not to use them or value them creatively.”“Each such cycle is a unique event; diet, choice, selection, season, weather, digestion, decomposition and regeneration differ each time it happens. Thus, it is the number of such cycles, great and small, that decide the potential for diversity. We should feel ourselves privileged to be part of such eternal renewal. Just by living we have achieved immortality — as grass, grasshoppers, gulls, geese and other people. We are of the diversity we experience in every real sense.
“If, as physical scientists assure us, we all...

My friends and I don't "keep score". We help each other when and where we can because we can. This is community. This is the village. We have to decenter "money" exchange where possible, so we can prioritize real care.

"Capitalism's incentives are fundamentally backwards. Under this system, you make money by keeping people sick (pharmaceutical companies), by keeping people in debt (financial institutions), by destroying the environment (fossil fuel companies), and by keeping people desperate enough to accept poverty wages (pretty much every major corporation).

Real incentives for human flourishing...

Today we're talking Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) boxes.

Depending on your area, it may be a great way to get fresh food more locally and sustainably, while investing back into your community access points.

THE INSPIRATION:

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The focus is on repair. There is a necessity of missing out that allows us

The focus is on self care. Self preservation.

It's also a way to improve and deepen listening.

Productivity isn't just producing something new. It's maintenance + sustenance work. It's care work with no "tangible" numbers to track or changes to measure.

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The labor movement fought and died for our right to time off to just exist. To do what we will. The gig economy is taking that back with the illusion of "freedom" and I have fallen for it.

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Build an attention holding architecture: where it's safe to simply exist. where you can learn to attune to what matters.

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We've been taught to view "productivity" and "worth" and "value" through a capitalistic lens. What if we change our interpretations of these things? What if we start to include "presence" and "experience" as worthwhile ways to be productive and add value to our lives?

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The world is so make it about interaction, instead.

The attention economy has spent billions making their product irresistible while convincing us it's our idea to be there.

Resist your fear of being perceived.

Jump timelines and do something different.

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When I act in alignment with my core values I feel more confident but what if the decisions I’m stuck with leave me with no choice but to make choices that don’t align and dont fit my desired values for the future? 

The beauty of judging the choices I had rather than the decision I made, is that it opens me up to the nuanced reality. 

It’s not about perfect alignment because that’s not possible or available but it’s about attunement.

Alignment with context. You’re not discover...

CORE INSIGHTS FROM THE BOOK, "FOUR THOUSAND WEEKS":

We can control our vessel, not the ocean. 

Life’s default state is a little scary. A little insecure. A little worried. A little vulnerable to the elements. 

The good news is, those scary vulnerable unavoidable feelings don’t have to be all encompassing and can be made less powerful through direct recognition and balance. 

The future is still in progress, so I can and should be doing what I can to make it better and more approachable and more enjoyable and more comfortable and more sustainable but I also should not be...

I'm slowly realizing that the key wasn't to get "more free time for myself", the key is to get "more free time together".

The highlight should be: Communal rhythm. Coordinated leisure. Planned connection. Shared ritual.

Access the book, Four Thousand Weeks: https://www.oliverburkeman.com/fourthousandweeks

The synopsis of the book, here.

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Build your tolerance for "chill" and "ease" by scheduling it. Prioritize doing nothing productive. Seek out ways to create that don't have a "payoff" and make it anyway.

My addiction to "motion" to "movement" to constant "stimulation" is normal, daily tasks feel like a physically painful burden.

Consider discipline as a form of devotion, not a form of punishment.

Access the book, Four Thousand Weeks: https://www.oliverburkeman.com/fourthousandweeks

The synopsis of the book, here.

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When work became “the real point of existence,” leisure's purpose became for “recovery and replenishment.”

This meant the whole of life was valued for something else, in the future, not for itself. 

Accept that everything is random and impossible to predict. The only part of time that is "our business" is the present moment.

Access the book, Four Thousand Weeks: https://www.oliverburkeman.com/fourthousandweeks

The synopsis of the book, here.

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The human experience is finite, but that is terrifying. So we distract ourselves. We convince ourselves that if we just "do everything perfectly all the time" we can avoid the painful reality of life's limitations.

But refusing to make a choice is a choice.

Not committing is a commitment.

Not settling is settling.

There's some shit you'll never get to.

There's some shit you'll never do perfectly.

But for some things, done is better than perfect.

The only way to ensure it gets...