Redemptive Living Radio

In this episode, we wanted to address some feedback we have received, specifically with episodes #106 and #107 on Blocks to Anger Parts 1 and 2. In those two episodes, we wanted to really encourage women to find their anger. What can be helpful is when we NAME the blocks to anger and then bust through them.

The feedback we received is that we fell short by not addressing when her anger is actually too much. So, we decided to give the people what they want and address this.

Essentially, the question is - what about when he thinks...

In this episode, we talk about the practices that help us stay safe, avoid going too far off course, and ultimately navigate grief and pain. Jason, rightfully so, struggles with using the word anchor (he suggests we use the word buoy), and while I hear him, an anchor certainly doesn't help us literally keep our heads above water, I love what an anchor DOES do. Here is an excerpt from a book that I read AFTER we taped this episode - the book is called Anchored by Deb Dana - and Deb says this - "anchors are essential to staying...

In this episode, a continuation of episode #113, Jason shares about what it looked like for him to "not take from me" (from a needs perspective) as well as a rubric he used to help keep him focused on what mattered most when I wasn't able or willing to meet his needs. We banter back and forth about staying up late talking recovery (Jason clearly thinks we stayed up until the wee hours of the morning for YEARS), we talk about Jason wanting physical touch from me while lying in bed at night and we also talk about times when...

Bear with us through the first six minutes of this episode - not sure exactly what kind of point we are making as we talk, but also wasn't sure how to trim it out and for the rest to make sense, so I left it as is.   Oftentimes in early and mid-recovery, husbands try to find comfort (of some kind) in her, whether via physical touch, words of affirmation, words of validation, physical proximity, time together, sex, etc. This is rooted in a common belief that husbands share: she still has a responsibility to meet some of my needs in t...

In this episode, we discuss how to engage empathetically when she is hurting. The key is: he HAS to integrate empathy in the day-to-day. Jason unpacks three principles to help men be more empathetic with her: Principle #1 - He can't turn on empathy in the hard moments alone. Instead, it's developing the character trait of empathy: being loving, tender, compassionate as a way of life. Principle #2 - He has to engage her pain outside the moment (stay connected to it), so that when the moment arises (when she is in pain), empathy is already there. Practical ways to do this: #1...

In this episode, we talk about important questions women ask in the latter part of mid-recovery, while healing from sexual betrayal. Keep in mind in the latter part of mid-recovery (mouth. ful.) for women, there is a lot of internal processing going on - rhetorical questions, existential questions, continued how and why questions pertaining to grief. Here is what the podcast listener asked (same podcast listener as episode #108 - One Bad Decision Away): - Can I give my patched-up heart back to him? - Is holding back parts of my heart true healing? Jason and I talked a bit about...

Valentine's Day can be a tender holiday for most women working to heal from sexual betrayal, namely, a painful reminder of what she doesn't have. In this episode, we discuss how to navigate this loaded holiday well, no matter where you are on the healing journey. What I would love for all women to do is reframe the holiday as an opportunity for her to truly take up her space, practice using her voice, and asking for (and figuring out) what she needs in order to make it a day that works for her. Jason chimed in and challenged men...

Hey Guys! Thanks for joining us today on Redemptive Living Radio, where we talk about healing from intimate betrayal relationally, as well as for women who have to make the choice to heal without him by her side (whether because he won't do the work or because she is done). In this episode, we discuss a listener question rooted in a comment Jason often makes: "I'm one bad decision away…". Her question: How do we continue to move forward / go through life with the reality that it could happen again? (To be clear, "it" being anything from acting out with po...

Welcome to Part Two of Blocks to Anger! In part 2 of the episode, we discuss the benefits of anger for both him and her, the root of anger, how to get angry, and the fear of getting stuck in anger. We jump right in and talk about some of the reasons Anger is so important - not just for HER to express but also for HIM to experience FROM her. If you don't listen to anything else, please listen from 4 to 8 minutes in. So incredibly important for everyone to hear. Benefits for her: Releases the pain and gets it OUT...

In this two-part episode series, we are talking about her anger and grief. We start by putting a name to some of the common things that cause her anger and grief to be blocked.   1 - Him doing good quantitative but not so great quantitative work. (Add to this the external validation he might be receiving, which further blocks her from tapping into her anger.) 2 - Childhood vows and how anger was modeled as a child. 3 - Church. 4 - Her being labeled as co-dependent. 5 - Him seen as the victim (struggler, addict, etc.). 6 - Bad recovery work on his part overall. 7...

Hey Guys!

In this episode, we dive into another listener question (or rather, a series of questions) pertaining to him comparing and criticizing her in his addiction (and oftentimes, well after the addiction has stopped). We have a more casual conversation about this, so if you like structure, check out the show notes below for some scaffolding. This is such a GREAT question, and as you will see from our conversation, this is complex, important, and STILL something we both work on.

Question #1 - Can a husband help heal his wife's wounds from years of...

In this episode, we talk about something that is fairly common yet rarely discussed: when he uses her as a part of his addiction. I'm listening to the episode right now (as I type the show notes), and I am on edge. It's an important conversation and also hard to have. Thanks for being brave and joining us for this episode.

I start by sharing how important it is for there to be sexual separation for her early on in the recovery process because we can get so tangled up (as women) when sexual intimacy continues early...

Hey Guys!

In this episode, we talk about preliminary boundaries. I mentioned at the beginning of the episode that most women know boundaries are an essential part of the process and are interested in learning how to set solid boundaries. However, fully internalizing (or embodying) boundaries takes time to engage and implement. This is where preliminary boundaries come into play.

So let's dig into preliminary boundaries. Keep in mind that 'preliminary boundaries' refers to the preparatory work, comprising 10 questions that women need to ask themselves early on in the process. I love Jason's qualifier around...

Welcome back to RL Radio!     In this episode, we talk about a wife's request that he never notice another woman.  While this request might seem impossible for him to carry out, keep in mind that it's a deeper need beneath the one she is expressing.  Jason also comments that oftentimes a rhetorical question (from her) points to a statement of grief.  The question is giving expression to something deeper, usually a deeper need.   Here are the myths we discuss: Myth #1 - Noticing someone in public is the gateway to acting out. Myth #2 - Her expectations are unrealistic and completely out of line...

Welcome to episode #101 of RL Radio!   I don't know about you, but it is SO cool being in the hundreds, and we are so glad to have you all here with us!   In this episode, we discuss why women ask for details in recovery.  Women often get a bad rap for asking for more information; even well-meaning supporters and counselors try to convince her that she doesn't need to know everything, thinking this is helpful.   We discuss at the beginning of the episode how wives are already voiceless in this process, so anywhere in recovery that we can give her her voic...

Welcome to episode #100 of RL Radio and part 2 of the Building Blocks of Intimacy! We are so excited to reach this milestone with you guys. If you liked seeing the video version of our podcast last week, you can watch this week's video in the Worthy of Her Trust Academy Public Content section (see link below) or on our YouTube Channel.

Okay, so we are in part two of our deep dive into the building blocks of intimacy, and we start right off the bat discussing this idea of compatibility. Jason voices a couple of insights:

Welcome to Season #8 of RL Radio! We are excited to connect with you guys, laugh a little, and also partner with you as you move forward with healing. This season, we decided to start recording podcasts as videos (in addition to the podcast). In that vein, we wanted to record in our sitting nook off our kitchen - and did for a handful of episodes for this season, including this two-part series. As I listen to this recording, I can hear that we have some tweaking to do, so you will probably hear those tweaks as we go through...

The 90/10 principle simply means that 90% of the work of relational rebuilding is a husband's responsibility post betrayal (+ 100% of a husband's personal work). That 90% means going first, leading the process, holding the weight of the brokenness in the relationship, engaging, initiating, following through, amending, living forgivable and working on being trustworthy.    The 10% that is a wife's work in the beginning is simply showing up and being a willing participant in the process, grieving, watching, waiting, navigating boundaries and needs, and finding a sense of security. That she has 10% isn't suggesting that she's got it easy; quite the opposite, her 10% is really hard...

As I listen to the first part of this episode, I am so thankful we aren't where we were five months ago with our little puppy. I will say - we are still considering getting rid of him because while he is much easier for us than he was five months ago, he is still a LOT. I was giggling with how I was pronouncing words like diarrhea and nope. Don't mind me! In this episode, we wanted to talk about this concept that his recovery, and more specifically his processing is personal but not private. Jason talks about some...

We are back with part 2 of the lying episode.

We jump in to talking about what helped Jason stop lying:

#1 - Brute force effort to be honest as well as brute force effort to fight the addictive voice inside of him. (Jason said he would argue internally with the man he was fighting to become versus the old, addictive self pulling him back.)

#2 - He came to a place of determination that he could handle the fall out. Out of this shift came one of Jason's core recovery mantra's: I'd rather lose you...

We are starting to come to the final bend in the road for Season #7, before we take a break. In this episode - we talk about lying - something that comes up a lot with the gals I connect with on Instagram as well as one of the things that was posted more than once in the question box on IG when I asked for podcast suggestions.   What I always say is: women are willing to do the excruciating work of healing from betrayal - but the lying is what becomes an impasse.   Here is what we are going to wa...

Hey Guys - We are so grateful for Emma's willingness to share her story. This is part 2.

SO much richness in this episode - from Thomas's brokenness and guttural crying to Emma's vulnerability to the 2nd disclosure and Emma's awareness of having to move the wall around her heart accordingly. To Thomas's ultimate willingness and of course - as mentioned in the last show notes: Emma's fortitude and not accepting less.

Emma references a verse that Jason shared with her from Isaiah - hope to the hopeless. She is referring to Isaiah 40:29-31 where it...

We are thrilled to have Emma Berry with us on the podcast today!  Emma shares her side of the story with us both this week and next and we are so grateful she was willing to walk us through the ups and downs of her process with her husband, Thomas.  (See links below for Thomas's side of the story, from several seasons back.)

Ladies - what I want you to be listening for is the fortitude Emma shows through the ebbs and flows.  Fortitude literally means strength under pressure and I believe it's one of the key ing...

On this episode, we wanted to unpack what it looks like for men to do recovery out of the wounds (versus living recovery and not making everything about the wounds). Jason starts with explaining a bit more as to what he means by this: in the addiction (or integrity issue) - men are operating out of the wounds. In other words - the acting out mitigates the pain of the wounds. The same can happen in recovery - the recovery work mitigates (or is driven by) the wounds.

On the heels of talking about some of the markers that may point toward him not living with integrity (while in recovery) - we wanted to talk about three things that show sure signs of progress:

The easiest one to see with our eyes is:  humility.  This can look like fast acknowledgements and apologies for doing something wrong as well as fast acknowledgment of continued hurtful habits.

Bonus:  moving from the things I AM guilty for to what I am LIKELY guilty for.

Second - personal accountability to include:  radical ownership for lack of f...

In this episode, we are talking about signs that he may be acting out.  I have a lot of women that wonder (post discovery) - how will I know if he is acting out?  What if I miss the signs?  This episode is for you - AND - we have one bit of caution:  we are NOT trying to insert unnecessary doubt into your mind.  What we share here are potential indicators.  A collection of things that we have seen as red flags prior to confirmation of his acting out.  In addition, you want to look at these as a whole...

We go back to a listener question, this one from IG where a woman asked: how do I stay with dignity when the acting out was so extensive. I'll be honest - as I listen to this episode, I think there is SO much more we could have shared and we didn't. I'm making the choice to push it out but read these show notes for some of my additional thoughts that weren't included in the audio. Where my mind goes initially is to work at untangling any "judgments" (and I don't say that word in a negative way, think...

Hi y'all, you get the B team for the show notes on this episode! Jason here, trying to take up the slack, so these notes will be from my perspective not Shelley's this time.

Listener Question #1 : How do I help my wife be close to me again?

With this question, we first have to remember that she may not be ready to be close again. If that's the case, our efforts to draw her close will feel manipulative and selfish. Second, we have to challenge our motives and scrutinize if this is a) about sex...

In light of some of the episodes we have produced this season - the deeper pain points, the why work episodes - there is a looming question I have wanted to address with Jason, on behalf of all women. And here is the question: Why did you marry me? And what makes me think you want to be with me today?

Maybe better put - convince me that you want to be with me. And in all fairness - she also has to answer the same question: do I want to be with him?

Jason...

In this episode, we talk about the interplay between the "why" work and the "what now" work. The why work is heavy in the beginning of the process, and continues to "hum" in the background - but the "what now" begins to take more and more precedence, or at least that is what we hope for.

This wasn't said in the episode but I want to say - I think the why work oftentimes takes a lot of intentionality (which means time) to take shape. I don't want to give the impression that the why work is...

In today's episode - I wanted to talk to Jason about his needs and her needs in the recovery process in a more informal way (as in - we didn't do a ton of prep work before hitting the record button).

I started off by sharing that I believe her needs are more important in the recovery process due to the covenant bond being broken (so in other words - one of the natural consequences of the sin of betrayal).

Jason then chimed in and I really like what he said: his needs aren't less...

This week we are talking resentment, iced tea, hand towels and dealing with Shelley's mic situation. I promise that is going to go away in future episodes - I didn't realize that I am touching the mic so much!!! I didn't realize until about a year ago that resentment is a HUGE part of what he struggles with and has to untangle in his recovery process. Specifically resentment toward her. Literally - I had NO clue. Our working definition of resentment: demands equanimity and justice, used as a weapon, rooted in vows unfulfilled - and finally - projected at another...

In this episode we are continuing to talk about his "why".  It will be helpful for you to understand the four different categories that we are talking about as you listen to this episode and download the pdf which will be in the podcast freebie email (see link below).  Here are the four categories that go into the why:   Life Situations or Contextual Realities - noteworthy life events from your life between the ages of 6-16 (or beyond). Impact or Wounding - the impact based on the life situation - as Jason spoke about the impacts, he used feeling words, the...

Alright everyone - here we go - we are officially jumping into Season #7 and we aren't turning back. We are SO excited to be with you guys - and we are hoping we can be here for a while - we will see how long we can last! We are going to be talking about "Why" work in this episode as well as the next one. This episode is more so laying the foundation for episode #83 where we unpack the roadmap for getting to the why. Jason states several things out of the gate that I think are important: If...

Welcome to the official first episode of Season #7! In this episode we wanted to talk to all of you about how to handle the deeper pain points (of hers) that feel like they will never ever go away. How can he help her handle those deeper pain points and how can she handle those deeper pain points.   Jason's tips for husbands:     First - we can't judge and don't have a right to judge how deep the well of grief is. When he judges what is in the well, this just further adds to the sludge in the bottom of the wel...

Hey Guys!  We wanted to re-release an episode from the past pertaining to navigating the holidays well.  The holidays can be really challenging - no matter what - and then throw in Family Systems (see below) + recovery and it's a LOT.  The happy holidays can feel like the not so happy holidays.

We are so excited to get this season going and before we really get going in January - we wanted to release a couple of episodes this month and then come January, we will be back with all sorts of content.  Here is what we have planned thus far:   Interviews with some of the amazing folks from our team, the 90/10 rule, trusting ourselves post-betrayal, personal recovery isn't the same thing as relational recovery, the mundanity of recovery, how do we know if he is acting out?, sure signs of progress,  the list goes on.

So here we are! The final episode of Season #6.

We start with me needing to loop back to something we discussed in the last episode where Jason said he received feedback from someone saying that sometimes when Jason mentions the past / the timeline, that he is shaming me. While I don't think he is trying to shame me - I DO experience shame when certain parts of our story is mentioned. I wanted to share a point of clarification that didn't come to me until after we had stopped recording last week.

I've wanted to...