The Baffling Behavior Show {Parenting after Trauma}

For years, "the four functions of behavior" has been the go-to framework for understanding why kids do what they do: attention, escape, access to tangibles, sensory. It's not wrong, but it's not the whole story either. In this episode, we dig into where this model actually came from, what it leaves out, and what's underneath it once we go looking with a relational neuroscience lens.

In this episode, you'll learn: 

Where the four functions of behavior actually came from, and why this is relevantWhy naming a behavior's "function" and saying it started in the n...

We've been in a three-part series on sticky behaviors (behaviors that don’t seem to change, no matter WHAT you do!), and today we're doing the detective work: what is your specific child's nervous system actually predicting? 

In This Episode

Three detective questions to help you identify what prediction might be driving your child's stickiest behaviors, and what those behaviors are actually protecting againstWhy you don't have to get the detective work exactly right, because the mismatched experience that changes the brain is almost always the same thing no matter what prediction is runningHow you...

Part 1 was about why sticky behaviors stay stuck. Part 2 is where the hope lives. We're diving into the two mechanisms that actually change sticky behaviors at the neurological level. This is the episode that makes the hardest ask of Part - shifting away from ‘fix-it’ and ‘this has to change’ energy- make sense.

In this episode you'll learn:

Why your child's dysregulation isn't the obstacle to healing; it's actually the doorway to itThe two mechanisms that change sticky behaviors at the neurological level, why one creates the conditions for the other, and why neither of them...

If you've tried everything and a behavior just won't stop…that's a sticky behavior. Let's dive deeeeeep into the neuroscience behind the behaviors that feel impossible to change. We'll touch on how the brain stores predictions and how the most well-meaning response can actually, unintentionally, keep those predictions locked in place and perpetuate that sticky behavior. This is Part 1 of a 3-part series that brings new aha moments to your child's most baffling behaviors.

In this episode, you will learn:

Why your child's brain holds onto certain behaviors so tightly, and why it has no...

When kids can't tolerate boredom, it's easy to forget to put on our X-ray vision goggles and chalk it up to too much screen time or even not enough gratitude. Our kids’ reaction to boredom triggers OUR watchdog brain! If we can invite our owl to come back, we will almost certainly see that boredom flips our kids’ nervous system into protection mode.

In this episode, you'll learn:

Why boredom can trigger the nervous system to shift onto the protection pathwayHow vulnerability in the nervous system (whether from ADHD, autism, trauma, or any other reas...

A dad - who is also a former foster youth and the director of non-profit supporting foster and adoptive families - shares an honest and tender conversation about what it's actually like to parent kids with big, baffling behaviors when life is also impossibly hard. He shares the staggering losses his family has carried over the past few years, how he found The Baffling Behavior Show, Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors, and The Club…and what has genuinely helped him keep going. This one is for every parent who has felt utterly alone in this journey- AND for ev...

A single mom who adopted boy-girl twins through foster care shares about her slow, almost invisible journey from survival mode to genuinely delighting in her now-13-year-old kids. Nothing shifted in one big moment.  Yet somehow, everything changed.

In this episode, you'll learn:

Why the shift from "I have to fix this right now" to "I can just be with you in this" is the thing that changes everything — for your kids and for youHow letting go of performing shame (in school meetings, with professionals, for society) freed up the energy to actually parentWhy the...

Parenting kids with big, baffling behaviors is hard enough. THEN someone has opinions about it. This episode breaks down why people say the things they say, what's actually happening in you when judgment lands, and how to respond- or not respond- in a way that protects your own regulation.

In this episode:

Why unsolicited advice and criticism are almost always a projection from the other person's protection brain How to recognize when explaining yourself won't actually help Practical ways to respond to judgment

Scripts

"Thank you. I'm comfortable with our pa...

Whether you're supporting a dysregulated eight-year-old, a parent who's convinced nothing is working, or the version of yourself driving home after a really hard week, the science is exactly the same. Let’s look at how the theory underneath this podcast, Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors, and the BBTI’s Professional Immersion Program are grounded in the same unified relational neuroscience framework. This paradigm supports your work with kids, parents, and yourself. You only have to learn it once, because it scales!

This is the second episode in a row I’ve recorded for professionals and helper...

The helpers ~ therapists, coaches, teachers, advocates ~ are burning out at alarming rates. We talk endlessly about self-care, caseload management, and having better boundaries but almost nobody is addressing the root cause. 

This is a special episode that I recorded for all the professionals who listen. All the helpers who show up day after day because they love to help the parents of kids with big, baffling behaviors. All the helpers who are tired and wondering how much longer they can keep doing this. 

In this episode, you'll learn:

Why working with clients in...

You've learned about the nervous system, you're trying to co-regulate, you're thinking about felt safety and connection — and the behavior is still happening! WHY?!?! This episode is a troubleshooting guide for exactly that moment. Instead of going back to the drawing board, we're going deeper into the same map: getting curious about regulation, felt safety, connection, and skills to figure out what the nervous system actually needs.

In this episode you'll learn:

Why the question is never "what consequence haven't I tried yet?" — and what to ask insteadHow to troubleshoot each of the four cond...

This episode originally aired in September 2024. 

Almost every time I teach, especially if there are folks in the audience not already familiar with my work or the concept of co-regulation, someone asks the very valid question of- 

“Isn’t this (co-regulation) just coddling?”

Fair question! There are a lot of underlying assumptions and fears in this question that we will deconstruct in today’s episode.

Spoiler: Co-regulation is NOT coddling!

In this episode, you’ll learn

The difference between co-regulation and coddlingWhy asking this question hel...

Listen in on a conversation I have with a Club member whose family lived through years of intense, violent, and deeply isolating behavior…and eventually found their way to something different. It’s a story about holding onto the truth of who your child is, even when everything in front of you makes that feel impossible.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

Why “just tell me what to do” doesn’t work in the hardest situations, and what actually helps insteadHow holding onto your child’s true essence can anchor you, even in the most dysregula...

Parenting a child with big, baffling behaviors can feel terrifying sometimes. Especially when those behaviors aren’t just frustrating… they’re dangerous. In this episode, I’m talking with a parent who knows that reality deeply, and who is also finding a way to hold onto hope.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

Why seeing your child as “good” doesn’t mean ignoring serious or dangerous behaviorHow one parent stays steady even when others say, “This child isn’t worth it.”What actually helps behavior change (hint: it’s not punishment, but it’s not the absence of account...

What if the biggest barrier to learning in the classroom isn’t behavior… but safety?

Teachers are overwhelmed. Kids are dysregulated. And somewhere in the middle, everyone is trying their best…but it’s not working the way we hoped. In this conversation, I sit down with occupational therapist Marti Smith and educator Amie Huggins to talk about what happens when we bring relational neuroscience into the classroom in real, practical ways.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

Why behavior in the classroom makes more sense when we see it as communication, not defian...

When your kid melts down after school, it seems like they just have a bad attitude or don’t want to do homework. But sometimes those explosions have less to do with behavior and more to do with a nervous system that has been working hard to handle sensory stress all day long.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

Why do many kids fall apart after school, even if they seemed “fine” all dayHow the sensory environment at school can slowly chip away at a child’s regulationWhy after-school meltdowns often happen with the people kid...

Have you ever had one of those moments where your child completely loses it over the wrong cup, a sibling getting too close, or one tiny thing at the end of the day? It can feel like they are actually mad at you- or their sibling. But actually, rude, defiant, or shutdown behavior might actually have a lot more to do with sensory overwhelm and a nervous system that’s simply run out of capacity and almost NOTHING to do with how mad they are because you gave them the wrong cup. 

In this episode, you’ll le...