The Chris Top Program
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Once a week, Mom drags me along for a trip into town. The usual stops are Montgomery Ward, Hilltop Market, and either Bonanza or Captain D's. She clips coupons for both places, and we pick the best deal. I end up eating for free almost every time. I don't mind going unless she has a doctor's appointment because those waiting rooms are dull, especially for a kid who wants to run around outside. The best part of our weekly supply run is when she lets me choose a couple of comics. Spider-Man, Captain America, and Batman are my all-time favorites...
Muffin jumps on my dresser and runs across, almost knocking all of my cologne into the floor. That cat is nearly as old as me, and she's had it out for me ever since elementary school. One morning, I slid my arm into my coat sleeve in a mad dash to catch the bus, and something felt strange. A prompt investigation revealed that my kitty plopped a number two in the pit area, and my hand pushed her surprise all the way up my arm. With the school bus approaching quickly, the entire house declared code red. Dad ran outside...
Loss Part One
Who knows whose house is older. Mine sits at the end of Mellon Road, and it's all I've ever known in my eight years of existence. Apparently, my mom and dad purchased it from the Mellons who were there before them. In an old residence similar to ours, Miss Della lives up the street with her two children Billy and Binky. It's nice having friends around my age in the neighborhood. I'm a lucky kid.
"Mom! Chris broke something again," Binky yells out to Della as Billy shakes his head and chuckles. It was the lamp this time...
Busted Part Two
High school is tough. There's so much to learn, and on top of that, I'm trying to figure out life. On the one hand, everything I want to do seems far-fetched and out of reach. On the other hand, none of the usual career paths remotely interest me. Fantasizing over being a writer or an actor may be unrealistic, but I have hope, and maybe that's enough. If it weren't for my friends, I'm not sure I'd stand a chance my junior year.
Rhonda and Kim give me a reason to smile in my least favorite class, geometry...
Busted Part One
THWACK! "Ah holy hell, that hurt," I blurted out after the surprise attack courtesy of Fred in the seat in front of me. I can't even begin to describe how much assigned seats suck. If you're surrounded by kids who sleep the entire time, it's a pretty sweet setup. As luck would have it, I'm stuck with a chronic puncher five days a week. Most of my trip consisted of staring at the back of Fred's head, awaiting the attack. Billy, who sat beside me, knew better than to chuckle because Hulk would say, "What you laughing at," then smash...
I'm not sure who was the first to say life is a roller coaster, but they were accurate. All of the tragedies and triumphs are hills and dips that we have minimal authority over, but it keeps things entertaining without a doubt. The voyage begins the day we are born and doesn't slow down until the end, and all we can hope for is a long ride.
After a quick stop at Hilltop Florist, I headed over to my girl's house with some fresh-cut flowers. It wasn't a special occasion, but I wanted to surprise her before going...
Who is Exempt from God’s Love?
God’s love extends to but is not limited to: Karen’s. Chad’s. The random woman who turned without using her blinker. The dude who man-splained how to lift weights at the gym. The person who cussed you out because you caught them on a bad day. Even the nit-wit trolling you on the internet.
The old barn never let me down. It's easy to find materials for any project my mind can dream up. Today I'm searching for a wide board and a couple of blocks for my big stunt. The Price Is Right comes to mind as I pass the old dust-covered corn sheller and give the wheel a spin. It's always fun to see how long the hoop rotates because it's a sign I'm getting stronger. A stopwatch would come in handy, but I trust my ability to count each second out load until the oversized metal ring comes to a halt...
What Happened in the Gabby Patito Case?
It's the murder mystery of the decade and it's only 2021. Gabby Petito was officially declared a missing person on September 11, 2021, in the aftermath of a road trip turned deadly.
What does God think about Cancel Culture?
Google “What does God think about cancel culture?” And you’ll spend more than half of any article reading about what Urban dictionary says it is, what other people have said about it, about ten examples, and maybe like two Bible verses are slapped in there somewhere. Do you know what we say to that? Not today, bruh.
Long Walk Home
Dust emerged and swirled around like a dirty cloud that wasn't lovely enough for the azure sky. That car sped by, throwing gravel everywhere. We don't see many automobiles at the end of Mellon road. Most turn around at the barn well before getting to my house because they're either sightseeing or lost. "He must've been in a hurry," I thought as I tried to brush the dirt from my hair. All of that wind sure wasn't helping much either. If I'd stood in one place long enough, my older sister, Susan, would eventually write, "wash me," on the back...
The Nudge Chapter 4 Reset
The Nudge Chapter 3 Tradition
The Nudge Chapter 2 New Life
The Nudge Chapter 1 The Cave
In the eighties, everything was extravagant. Big hair and makeup to shoulder pads; it was all INXS (see what I did there.) Ninth grade was an uncomfortable in-between sort of a stage. I'd left the cradle of middle school and hopelessly needed to establish myself as a grown-up high school parachute pants-wearing mullet-promoting kind of guy.
Somehow I had gotten elected class president that year. I'll never understand how that happened to this day. Halfway through my campaign speech, I forgot what to say. During the eternal pause, I contemplated exiting the spotlight and fleeing the country. I...
Cringy Things Only People At Church Do
"Wow, bruh, that's cringe," you hear this all the time, and if you belong to any church, you'll find some pretty cringy activity that seems to belong exclusively to the congregation.
Classic Clip - Alexis Gomez
Tonto sails through the air, landing in a Buckeye tree before it could plummet back to earth. "Dang it," I yelled out loud while looking over at The Lone Ranger. The poor guy was already missing his mask because I couldn't wait to reveal his identity when Mom brought him home. Now thanks to me, he also lacks a sidekick. "I guess we'll have to wait for him to fall out, Kemosabe," I said before escorting my trusty ranger out of the woods. His foot was a bit deformed thanks to our fluffy calico, Muffin. I learned to put my...
Summer Of 88
It was one year before the big graduation day. A gallon of gas was .91 cents, and I couldn't stop listening to Guns N' Roses. Big hair was in; speaking of big hair, I could afford to see Big twice at the movies because tickets were $3.50. Welcome to the summer of 1988.
My first car was a 1971 Volvo. My brother, Larry, tried his best to make me believe it was a cool car. "Looks a lot like a Mercedes," he told me. I think it lasted about a week before falling apart on the way to work one day. I...
Karen Goes to Church: Top Rude Behaviors That will Make you want to Leave.
When believers gather, you can count on one thing; no one will be the exact same. Thank God! The bad news is, you’re bound to encounter a Christian Karen. Church Karen’s come in all shapes and sizes, but today, we will examine the top five rude behaviors you’ll see from Karen (in no particular order) that will make you want to leave the church and never look back.
“I need to speak with the Pastor!”
There is no quote on quote “managers” in a church structure. But there are leaders. There are pastors. There are ment...
Ker-Snap! A giant Catawba leaf shoots toward the sky and gently floats downward, just missing my dusty tennis shoes. My trusty red bandana is always the weapon of choice whenever fighting off giants or trolls in the backyard. I'm sure I would have been a match for Zorro, considering all of my practice. After stuffing my well-worn cotton cloth into my pocket, I ran into the house straight to my bedroom.
The clock is ticking, with only an hour left until dark, so I must take advantage of every moment. Cautiously removing my Elvis record from its cardboard...
Shocking New Evidence Uncovered in the Florida Serial Killer “Bay Harbor Butcher” Case
The Miami Metro Police Department has uncovered shocking new evidence that may shed light on the large number of homicides dating back as far as 1991.
Approximately 20 additional bodies and items have been recovered thanks to a few deep-sea divers (names redacted for privacy) who came forward after their discovery early Monday morning. Lieutenant Angel Batista of Miami Metro spoke briefly on the subject during a press conference aimed to bring worried citizens peace of mind.
“I know a lot of rumors have been going around online stating that the Bay Harbor Butcher really isn't dead and is...
Always Wear Nice Underwear
I have made many trips to the chiropractor in my later years. The old back began going downhill at age 38. I'm guessing it has a lot to do with years of standing and lifting heavy things improperly. Restaurant work definitely has quite the impact on a spine. The biggest lesson my bad back taught me was always to wear nice underwear.
I was complaining to Scott about my back pain again. I'm sure he was getting tired of hearing me whine, so he recommended his chiropractor. I was never too big on taking any drug to kill the...
I was never a big fan of fishing, and I can shoot a gun, but hunting never did interest me. Working on cars, driving a tractor, and woodshop was never my thing either. People expect a person to excel at these things when they're from the South. The song Free Bird is incredibly too long and honestly dull. Of course, I could never bring myself to admit that around anyone with a mullet or gun rack in their Ford F-150. I spent a few summers working in tobacco, and it was enough to know I never wanted to do it...
Classic Clip - The Springs
My Flexible Flyer
Long before iPhones, Playstations, and Facebook, we had no choice but to play outside. I had this old rusty sled passed down from my brother and sister or maybe one of my cousins. It was a cast-iron beast attached to stained wood that I remember pulling out of the barn every winter. Part of the adventure was locating this metal monster from within the structure surrounded by other relics. Either I couldn't remember where I put it from the year before, or my dad tried to hide it in fear of me killing myself racing down a hill. The barn...
Summer of 87
The Summer of 1987 is one I will never forget. The Simpsons made its television debut, and every girl on the planet was talking about Dirty Dancing. My favorite movie that year was Good Morning, Vietnam. In one month and three days, I would be old enough to drive. It wasn't movies, TV, or Michael Jackson's Bad that made my summer special. It wasn't even the fact I would gain a tiny bit of independence with my driver's license. I'll remember the summer of 87 because I fell in love for the very first time.
Let's get something straight. I...
I always kid around with people about how I've never been cool for one second of my life. Popularity wasn't something I placed much importance on, but it would have been nice to see how the other half lived. My superlative was most courteous in school, so I got thanked a lot for opening doors, but "life of the party" was never a title placed upon me by my peers. Except for this one time at a beach house on Spyglass Drive.
We all have that vacation we continuously revisit in our minds. The adventure that comes up...
I can remember three things about 1980. Some guy named John Lennon was shot to death, and Mom took me to see The Empire Strikes Back. The third memory was seeing Dad for the last time. He had passed away the year before.
The Southern sunlight peeked through my window, calling me like the sound of a banjo bouncing from the East Tennessee mountain tops. Each day would bring a brand new adventure. All I had to do was experience it, soak it up, and bask in the beauty of freedom only rewarded to a kid my age. "I...
Dexter Mandela Effect: Wasn't He Exposed as the Bay Harbor Butcher in Season 8?
With Dexter season 9 approaching (still no release date), It's safe to say that fans across the globe are re-binging Dexter to make sure they catch any and all Easter Eggs the show is sure to drop. But as the credits rolled on the final episode of season 8, did anyone else feel like a pretty big detail was missing?
Dexter Morgan Exposed as the Bay Harbor Butcher
Re-watching every season within the course of a month, my husband and I came to a mind-blowing realization; we both remember Dexter Morgan being exposed as the Bay Harbor Butcher...
Is Your Teen Posting About Their Love For A Murderer?
For fanatics of true crime, the murder of Tristyn Bailey isn't exactly breaking news. On May 7th, Tristyn Bailey, a 13-year-old girl, was found dead shortly after going missing in Florida. The quick discovery of her body was largely thanks to the tight-knit community she and her parents belonged to; within hours of everyone checking their security cameras, footage revealed that around 1:00 A.M, Tristan left her home with a local boy, Aiden Fucci. They disappeared into the woods, and only Aiden was seen leaving the scene.
It didn't take long for investigators to uncover Aiden Fucci's obsession...
Classic Clip - Ana Fernandez
Classic Clip - Alayna
Police Find New Evidence in Boy In The Box Case
Who is the Boy in the Box? That's been a question on every true crime geeks mind since the story broke over 60 years ago and now finally has an answer, supposedly.
What's The Update?
On April 30th, 2021, Capt. Jason Smith with the Philadelphia Police Homicide Unit came forward and addressed the new findings to the public, stating that two years prior, detectives got an order to exhume the remains of the Boy in the Box. The DNA they collected was sent to a lab in Europe, and now, two years later, they finally have an update...
Classic Clip - Angel Mary & The Tennessee Werewolves
Classic Clip - Jennie Vee
The Woman In Your Life Could Be Insane
Officer Says he wants to "Bust Up" 10-year-old Inside Home; UPDATE
Lewisburg, Tennessee Police Officer, Christopher Stallings, better known to locals as "Officer Cornbread," continues to thrive in law enforcement, even in the aftermath of a tragedy that's only now come to light. News Channel 5 covered the events, but here, we have an in-depth detail of what happened, along with the mental ramifications that came after. And now that the story is being aired, there have been reports of harassment to the parents of the child who was threatened by Stallings in April. The harassment is reported to be coming from the police officers in Stalling's former department.
Karen - But It's A Horror Movie
"Can I speak to the manager?" Crosses into a whole new realm with the upcoming horror film, Karen, written and directed by Coke Daniels and starring Taryn Manning as the entitled racist. No, this is not an SNL skit. No, we can't speak to the manager to keep this movie from happening, and sadly, we can't demand a Doggett prequel for Orange Is The New Black to keep Manning from making what will likely be the biggest mistake of her career.
Karen, the meme that morphed the "can I speak to your manager" haircut/starter pack joke, along...