Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

In this powerful episode, we address the heart-wrenching story of a betrayed partner whose marriage has been scarred by nearly two decades of emotional abuse, chronic dishonesty, and sexual betrayal. Despite having initiated divorce proceedings, she finds herself still seeking clarity and wondering if hope remains. Her husband, who continues to act out sexually while refusing meaningful recovery, tells her that she’s overreacting and simply needs to “get over it.” We unpack the damaging impact of that dismissive attitude and the emotional exhaustion that comes when a partner’s pain is ignored or minimized.

We explore the reas...

PBSE Podcast Episode 287 explores the recurring emotional turmoil experienced by a betrayed partner whose addict spouse continues to cycle through emotional relapses, despite seemingly engaging in recovery activities. Every six months, he emotionally regresses—questioning their relationship, doubting compatibility, and withdrawing connection—which destabilizes her sense of safety and triggers deep trauma. In her desperation for reassurance, she finds herself compulsively seeking emotional details, only to be retraumatized further. The article highlights that this dynamic, often driven by fear and confusion, creates a lopsided relationship where she becomes the emotional pursuer while he remains distant and inconsistent.

The...

PBSE Podcast Episode 286, follows the journey of a man in early recovery who is not content with simply staying away from pornography—he wants to feel a deep emotional aversion to it. The article explores this desire for integrity and congruence, addressing how many men feel torn between what they know is harmful and what they are still wired to find stimulating. It offers a compassionate view that acknowledges sexuality as a core part of being human, emphasizing that true recovery doesn't suppress desire but matures and redirects it toward healthy connection.

Through sections on humanizing porn, de...

In relationships impacted by sexual addiction and betrayal trauma, performance anxiety often becomes more than a physical issue—it’s a symptom of deeper emotional disconnection, trauma, and mistrust. Drawing from a heartfelt message submitted to the PBSE Podcast, Episode 285 delves into how men in recovery may find themselves crippled by shame when they’re unable to sexually perform, especially when performance was once their only perceived value in the relationship. For betrayed partners, these failures often reignite fears of rejection, acting out, or hidden deception, leading to a volatile cycle of pain, blame, and miscommunication.

The articl...

In Episode 284 of the PBSE podcast, we dive into the harrowing story of a woman navigating her husband’s sudden shift from sex addiction recovery to identifying as polyamorous. After years of pain, betrayal, and dedicated recovery work, she’s now facing a radical alteration in the foundation of their relationship. Her husband demands acceptance of his new identity, while she grapples with whether this is a genuine expression of self or a veiled escape from the demands of sobriety and responsibility.

Throughout the episode, we explore three critical pillars of relationship health: authenticity, acceptance, and compatibility. Auth...

This PBSE episode (#283) delves into the delicate issue of couples disagreeing about boundaries during addiction recovery. It begins by emphasizing that boundaries exist to protect authenticity and safety rather than to control others, underscoring the need for each partner to clarify and communicate their genuine wants and needs. The addict's resistance often stems from deeper issues like shame, pride, and a desire for autonomy, which can lead to avoidance and reactive recovery rather than proactive healing. The authors stress that open dialogue—where both parties seek to understand the underlying fears and desires driving their positions—is essential to move...

PBSE Podcast Episode 282 tackles the emotionally complex question many betrayed partners face: “How long should my former addict partner maintain sobriety and recovery before I consider getting back with him?” Rather than offering a simple timeline, it reframes the question to focus on the quality and consistency of change in both partners. The article underscores that while time matters, what matters more is whether the former addict has shown verifiable growth—emotionally, behaviorally, and relationally. It also explores the partner’s own healing journey, highlighting that reconciliation can only be healthy if both individuals are actively working toward personal recovery...

PBSE Podcast Episode 281, tackles the painful and familiar experience of betrayed partners who live in a constant state of anxiety, waiting for the next betrayal to surface. Centering around a listener’s heartfelt submission, the article outlines the emotional toll of repeated trauma, especially in relationships where staggered disclosures have prolonged the hurt. Despite doing some recovery work, the listener still struggles with fear, mistrust, and a lack of emotional safety, highlighting the core issue: how to move forward without continually bracing for disaster.

The discussion focuses on reclaiming personal power through sovereignty, healthy boundaries, and authentic vo...

In PBSE Episode 280, Mark & Steve address the complex challenge faced by betrayed partners—especially those healing from porn or sex addiction in their relationships—who want to guide their teenage children toward healthy sexuality. It begins by acknowledging the emotional burden and conflict many betrayed partners feel, especially when trying to teach their children something they themselves are still struggling to reclaim. Drawing from a listener’s heartfelt question, the hosts emphasize that children are already receiving sexual messaging from the world around them, making it crucial that parents step up to provide a healthy, grounded counter-narrative rooted in respec...

PBSE Podcast 279 confronts the painful contradiction many addicts face: a deep longing for intimate connection paired with a habitual avoidance of it. Through a heartfelt partner’s submission and personal reflections, Mark and Steve illustrate how addiction, as an intimacy disorder, fuels this cycle of wanting but not acting—of making promises without follow-through. The core issue often isn’t a lack of sincerity, but a profound disconnection from self, rooted in fear, shame, and survival-based behaviors that sabotage the very closeness being sought.

Mark & Steve emphasize that real intimacy demands risk, consistency, and emotional presence—there’s no “door...

In this PBSE episode (#278), Mark & Steve delve deeply into a critical topic for betrayed partners—After enduring the deep wounds of a marriage ending due to porn addiction, stepping back into the dating world requires tremendous courage, self-awareness, and intentional preparation. We encourage betrayed partners to first focus inward, engaging in compassionate self-analysis to better understand past relational dynamics. Exploring areas like intuition, self-trust, self-esteem, and emotional dependency empowers betrayed partners to move forward not with fear, but with wisdom and strength. Becoming the most authentic, grounded version of oneself is the true safeguard against repeating old patterns and la...

PBSE Episode 277 addresses a deeply personal and often overlooked consequence of pornography addiction: the loss of enjoyment in media that was once shared and meaningful within a relationship. The authors respond to a listener's question about whether he and his partner can ever again enjoy media that has been “pornified” through his addiction. They explain how sexual addiction often extends beyond explicit content to include distorted sexualization of characters and media, leading to feelings of betrayal, shame, and disconnection. The podcast highlights how the brain, once trained to objectify, cannot selectively compartmentalize those responses, making formerly innocent content triggering or p...

Episode 276 addresses a question often asked by partners of addicts in recovery: “Do I have to wait for the formal amends process before I see real change?” The authors explain that real transformation in recovery should not be postponed until Steps 8 and 9 of the 12-step model. They draw a clear distinction between a simple apology and the deeper process of making amends, emphasizing that true recovery begins with personal accountability, transparency, and a willingness to face difficult truths—not with a formal ceremony or set timeline. Waiting for a specific step to begin meaningful repair in a relationship is not on...

This PBSE episode (275), inspired by a listener’s vulnerable question, dives deep into the emotional complexity of intimacy in long-term relationships—particularly when one partner has struggled with pornography addiction. The woman asks how her husband can look “past” her aging body and be genuinely aroused by real love. Her question reveals the pain of feeling invisible or undesired and touches on the widespread cultural belief that sexual attraction is rigid and solely tied to youth or physical perfection. The article dismantles this myth, showing that arousal is not a static, uncontrollable instinct, but a moldable response shaped by years of...

This PBSE Podcast Episode 274, centers on a partner’s heartfelt account of feeling objectified and emotionally disconnected during sex with her spouse, who is in recovery from porn addiction. Though he has given up porn and masturbation, their intimacy remains one-sided, leaving her feeling like a replacement for his addiction rather than a true partner in connection. Mark and Steve explore how sobriety alone isn’t enough—emotional growth, mindfulness, and a complete rewiring of sexual expectations are essential for healing.

Through neuroscience, they unpack how porn addiction distorts the brain’s wiring around sex, creating a dopamine...

In this episode (273) of the PBSE podcast, hosts Mark and Steve respond to a heartfelt message from a betrayed partner whose addict spouse keeps saying he’s “sorry” and that he’s “trying,” yet still fails to meet her emotional needs. The conversation highlights the profound frustration and exhaustion that many partners feel as they repeatedly express their pain and needs, only to be met with minimal awareness or inconsistent effort. The hosts emphasize that while an addict may be sincere in their apologies, sincerity without emotional capacity or real change isn’t enough to rebuild trust or connection.

The artic...

In Episode 272, Mark & Steve focus in on how porn and sex addiction recovery goes beyond mere sobriety; it requires ongoing emotional growth, accountability, and engagement to rebuild trust in a relationship. Many betrayed partners of addicts feel heightened anxiety when their spouse steps back from recovery efforts, fearing a return to old behaviors or an emotional disconnect. True recovery is not just about avoiding addictive behaviors but about healing the underlying patterns that led to them, fostering emotional awareness, and strengthening the relationship through consistent effort and transparency.

When a porn and sex addict becomes complacent, their...

In this PBSE Episode 271, Mark & Steve discuss how recovery is not an individual journey—it affects relationships, families, and even future generations. While addicts may believe they can navigate healing alone, true recovery requires transparency, accountability, and a willingness to rebuild trust through consistent actions, not just words. When a partner has been betrayed, expecting them to trust blindly without verification is both unrealistic and dismissive of their pain. Recovery must involve measures that ensure honesty, such as full disclosure, accountability software, and open communication. A recovering addict who resists these steps often signals deeper issues, such as shame, de...

In Episode 270, Mark & Steve respond to a submission and questions by a betrayed Partner. When a partner admits to a porn or sex addiction but fails to take meaningful steps toward recovery, the betrayed partner is left in a painful cycle of hope and disappointment. While honesty is an essential first step, it is meaningless without action, and waiting for change that never comes can be emotionally exhausting. Many betrayed partners find themselves questioning whether they are expecting too much, but true recovery requires more than words—it demands consistent effort, emotional vulnerability, and a willingness to grow. Without th...

This episode (#269) explores the profound challenges faced by partners who struggle to remain in relationships after uncovering their loved one's history of addiction and betrayal. Drawing from insights shared by Mark and Steve on the PBSE Podcast, it delves into the emotional aftermath of betrayal trauma, including feelings of disgust, mistrust, and identity crises. The episode highlights how such revelations can shatter the foundation of trust, leaving partners questioning their judgment and self-worth. It outlines how betrayal trauma extends beyond the relationship, affecting mental health, social interactions, and personal confidence. The role of societal pressures is also explored, revealing...

This PBSE episode #268, we talk about how recovery is an intensive and transformative journey that goes beyond breaking free from addiction and trauma—it is about rediscovering authenticity, self-worth, and emotional resilience. The process involves patience, self-compassion, and an openness to growth, allowing individuals to step into a life that is vibrant and unshackled from past wounds. Through recovery, people transition from survival mode, where they expend energy on hiding, escaping, or maintaining a façade, to truly living with presence, purpose, and a deeper appreciation for life’s possibilities.

At the heart of recovery is self-love, which...

When a porn/sex addict enters recovery, their personality can shift drastically, often surprising their partner. Many addicts who once seemed pleasant, passive, or easygoing suddenly become irritable, defensive, or even aggressive. This shift is largely due to the withdrawal process, in which they must face emotions they have long avoided through addiction. Many addicts began using their addiction as an emotional escape at a young age, leading to stunted emotional development. When they remove their primary coping mechanism, they are left to deal with life’s challenges without the emotional tools necessary to handle them, often resulting in fr...

In Episode 266, Mark & Steve respond to a raw and heart-felt submission by a betrayed partner. They explore the complexities of sex addiction and betrayal trauma, addressing whether compulsive sexual behaviors stem from addiction or are simply acts of revenge in a relationship. It highlights the secrecy, justification, and emotional dysfunction that often accompany addiction, emphasizing that acting out is rarely just about sex but more about numbing emotional distress. The unpredictability of an addict’s behavior can be deeply confusing for their partner, as they cycle through periods of neglect and attentiveness. The article stresses that addiction is rarely re...

In Episode 265, Mark & Steve discuss how recovery from porn and sex addiction often begins with external motivators, such as wanting to “get clean for her” or save a relationship. These external pressures serve as a crucial starting point, especially when addicts feel incapable of self-driven change. However, while these motivations may bring someone to the recovery process, they alone are insufficient for long-term success. Sustained recovery requires a shift toward internal motivation, where individuals focus on long-term sobriety, self-improvement, personal growth, and reclaiming their self-worth. This transition, while gradual, enables addicts to build a foundation of resilience, fueled by intr...

In episode 264, Mark & Steve discuss how reconciling with a partner who has struggled with porn or sex addiction is a deeply personal and challenging decision that requires a thorough assessment of their recovery progress and the betrayed partner’s own emotional readiness. The trauma of betrayal can leave partners feeling devastated and uncertain about the future, making it crucial to carefully consider whether the addict’s changes are genuine and sustainable. True recovery is not just about abstinence; it involves consistent behavioral changes, emotional growth, and accountability. Partners must look for tangible signs of progress such as transparency, professional supp...

In Episode 263, Mark & Steve address the devastating impact of betrayal within relationships affected by porn or sex addiction, focusing on the pivotal question, How do I know when I know enough? It discusses the catastrophic effects of betrayal trauma, which shatters trust, devastates intimacy, and leaves partners questioning the foundation of their relationships. The process of recovery is explored through the lens of both betrayed and betraying partners, emphasizing the importance of transparency, patience, and professional guidance to rebuild trust and establish a sense of safety.

This episode delves into the concept of "full disclosure," highlighting its...

In Episode 262, Mark & Steve examine the pervasive issue of defensiveness in relationships, particularly in the context of porn/sex addiction and betrayal trauma. They explain how defensiveness arises from fear, shame, and unresolved trauma, creating cycles of conflict that block emotional connection. The betrayed partner’s reactions, often rooted in pain and self-preservation, can trigger defensive responses in the addict in recovery, escalating the divide. By shifting focus from being “right” to fostering empathy and understanding, couples can begin to dismantle these destructive patterns and move toward healing.

The episode emphasizes the profound impact of betrayal on tru...

In Episode 261, Mark & Steve discuss how porn and sex addicts often face tremendous challenges with honesty due to a combination of shame, fear, and deeply ingrained survival mechanisms. These barriers drive dishonesty, which erodes trust, isolates the addict, and prevents authentic connection. Partners, in turn, feel the sting of ongoing deceit even more deeply than the betrayal of the addictive behavior itself, leaving relationships fractured and intimacy impossible. The podcast highlights that dishonesty doesn’t protect addicts or their loved ones—it isolates and destroys, creating cycles that are hard to escape.

The journey to honesty begins with...

Episode 260 explores the emotional challenges faced by partners of individuals struggling with addiction, focusing on reclaiming happiness and self-worth despite the heartbreak of repeated relapses. It begins by addressing the toll betrayal takes on trust and identity, emphasizing the need for partners to step away from old coping mechanisms and prioritize their emotional well-being. The concept of radical acceptance is introduced as a transformative tool, helping partners embrace the reality of their situation without blame or denial while focusing on areas where they have control.

The importance of boundaries is central to this discussion, with practical examples...

The inspiration for Episode 259 comes from a heartfelt submission we received from a betrayed partner. Her words encapsulate a struggle that many couples in recovery face. She wrote:

"It has been 18 months since D-Day, and my husband has been sober for six months. Recently, he went on a work trip, which already triggered a lot of anxiety for me. While he was there, I received a receipt for a movie he watched that contained nudity and sexual content. Even though I trust that he skipped the raunchy scenes, the issue is that there was no consideration<...