The Unorganized Township of Bootstuck

I’ve been cataloguing these tapes for months now, and I’m still not sure if Bootstuck is a functioning township or an elaborate performance art piece. This tape starts with something called a "snowman minute"—a unit of time defined by how long it takes to both build and melt a snowman—and somehow drifts into what can only be described as a failed Winter Olympics bid… held in someone's backyard.

There’s talk of a ski hill (five feet high), a chairlift (manual, powered by Caleb), and skis fashioned out of chopped wood and tied to boots wit...

I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t this.

This latest tape kicks off with a brief mention of Titanic 2 (apparently still unreleased in Bootstuck), and only gets murkier from there. There’s discussion about avoiding spoilers—of both the cinematic and automotive variety—followed by a story about someone named Stephen who didn’t wave and has now been entered into a “wishy-washy book,” which I suspect is a very real, very serious document in Bootstuck governance.

And then we get to the hall. Not City Hall or Town Hall. Just the hall. Where...

The latest tape starts with caps. Specifically, hat inventory. Apparently, the King of Canada (real or dream-based, unclear) has advised the residents to prepare for winter with new ice scraper-equipped toques. From there, it veers.

There’s mention of a new goldfish-based restaurant called Fish Each—the name refers to a strict one-fish-per-person policy and modelled after Red Lobster or Red Monster as Hat Guy calls it.

Later, a moving truck that doesn’t move needs to be moved, which leads to a plan involving six people and a collection of wooden spools...

This one kicks off like a 1940s social hygiene film before it collapses into a tale of unstable real estate, gravy-based adhesives, and existential architecture. Hat Guy shares a nursery rhyme, forgets how houses work, and constructs a two-bedroom, zero-bed home entirely out of playing cards. No one moves in. Fortunately.

Elsewhere, Hat Guy may be opening a business, launching a sport, or reinventing the economy—it’s hard to say, because halfway through his pitch, Steven interrupts to explode the dirty dishes. What begins as a plan to trade acorn tops for bottoms quickly mutates into a go...

The Bootstuck tape machine coughs up another bewildering recording featuring a long, one-sided voicemail, a heated discussion about boot buckles, and a serious deep dive into gravy economics. The townsfolk debate the practical dangers of decorative footwear, the true purpose of a “gravy boat,” and whether Canadian Tire money can be legally used when the nearest Canadian Tire is 400 miles away. Meanwhile, we meet Luke Warm (from Yonder), who apparently measures up at six acorns taller than most. Bootstuck’s logic remains circular, its traditions questionable, and its gravy—plentiful.

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www.bootstuc...

The holiday spirit arrives in Bootstuck with all the confusion and homemade flair you’ve come to expect. Tape 17 crackles to life with a musical tribute to the humble jug—an instrument that can be played anywhere, anytime, and preferably without warning.

Meanwhile, townsfolk debate the ethics of inflatable lawn décor (giant possums included) and hatch plans for an unsanctioned Christmas light show featuring Caleb, an axe, and a concerning number of flashlights. Things only get weirder when Dave’s mysterious last name—Juggs? Pemberton?—becomes central to a baffling plan involving power, music, and perhaps emotional i...

Recovered in less-than-ideal condition, Tape 16 is a chaotic casserole of overlapping conversations, occasional military interference, and enough Bootstuck-brand nonsense to fog a lens. The first segment features Hat Guy wrestling with the existential crisis of which light belongs at which end of a vehicle—head or tail—while rhapsodizing about the convenience of disposable thumbs. Meanwhile, Dave enjoys what he describes as a “lower-half bath,” and somehow that’s not the weirdest part.

An abrupt edit later, we’re thrown into a caffeinated retelling of how Bootstuck’s signature morning beverage, “Joe,” came to be. The term “creamy Joe” is utter...

 We open on what might be a radio answering machine and Hat Guy is mid-panic, convinced he’s being hunted by dinosaurs (real? metaphorical? unclear), and then the message cuts off like someone pulled the plug.

The tape picks up later with our weary interviewer attempting a Bootstuck-style lightning round, which is to say: rapid-fire nonsense in hopes of coaxing coherence out of chaos. Spoiler: it doesn’t work. We do, however, learn that Bootstuckians classify champagne as a fruit. There is no follow-up.

As the conversation pivots to hot potatoes (literal, not political), Hat Guy h...

Tape 14 opens with what I can only describe as an audio endurance test. Our slow-talking, never-named narrator yawns his way into a conversation about Bootstuck’s latest developments—if you can call them that. We’re introduced to the annual Carve-Off, a celebration of, well, carving... though the categories are as off-kilter as everything else in Bootstuck. Caleb will be carving wood, naturally, while Dave has committed to carving spaghetti. Yes. Spaghetti. Apparently, you'll have to be there to see it, which seems like an intentional threat at this point.

And then things get even more unhinged. Enter...

This tape opens, inexplicably, with a commercial for explosion protection—a service that suggests either Bootstuck has a blast radius problem, or someone got a little too ambitious with a microwave.

Our unnamed slow-talking friend returns shortly after, pondering the mystery of why pizzas are round, boxes are square, and leads to pitch of his latest business venture: a pizza place called Been Around.

Hat Guy arrives just in time to derail it with a fist fight and another unsolicited monologue about hat ownership. Somewhere in the chaos, we learn of a...

Just when I think I might be closing in on something concrete, Bootstuck takes a sharp turn back into the absurd. Tape 12 introduces us to Terrence, a man who apparently lives in a place called Nearby, which—naturally—is not nearby at all. It’s 70 kilometers away or, as Dave puts it, “seven songs,” depending on his mood and fuel level.

The rest of the tape is a dizzying preview of the upcoming Bootstuck Fair, a community gathering where you can get a license plate painted on your face or elbow (your choice), choke down...

Just when I thought we’d peaked with snuggle-based heating (see Tape 10), Tape 11 drags us even deeper into the metaphysical swamp that is Bootstuck. Our slow-talking friend—last heard counting snowflakes by the bucket in Tape 6—calls Dave (still wrapped in lights, I presume) from what he claims is a burnt-out Dodge. No explanation. No coordinates. Just the soothing, molasses-paced chaos of Bootstuck, as usual.

We’re also treated to a brief geography lesson featuring nearby "towns" with names like OverThere, Downaways, and Yonder—which feel less like actual places and more like shrugs wearing road signs. Add to tha...

This tape gives us a rare seasonal snapshot: winter in Bootstuck. And, true to form, it’s not exactly what you’d call conventional. Dave is apparently wrapped in Christmas lights—possibly by accident, possibly as a coping mechanism—and the others decide to just leave him like that. As a display. A living, blinking reminder that Bootstuck celebrates the holidays... differently.

We’re also introduced to Caleb, the town’s unofficial lumberjack. He chops and stacks wood around the township like a festive squirrel—but here’s the twist: they don’t burn it. Not for warmth, anyway.

Tape 9—or at least what’s left of it—is mostly static, warped and broken. But somewhere in the noise, a voice punches through, crackling out what sounds like call letters: "JEAN." Maybe it's just interference, maybe I'm reading too much into it—but it feels intentional. And in Bootstuck, that’s enough to set my mind racing.

Once the tape settles, we’re back to familiar chaos. Our host and Hat Guy recount a baffling trip to the local Costco knockoff—Costdown—where he somehow buys a half pair of boots. A new name, Willy, is mentioned in pas...

In this episode, we uncover a curious new detail: Bootstuck has a radio station. That might explain some things—and raise a few more questions. Our notoriously unreliable informant, Hat Guy, returns with another garbled news update, making it tough to pin down what’s actually happening in this mysterious place. There's a mention of a restaurant called “Eater Way” and a chef named Dave—possibly the Dave from earlier tapes? But before we can dig deeper, the topic veers right back to hats. Just when it seems we might finally get some answers—like the actual location of Bootstuck—Ha...

Tape 7 brings us a double feature: two interviews spliced together, each raising more questions than answers. First up is Don who’s starting to sound less like a local and more like someone with real pull in town. Then it’s the return of Hat Guy, ever the unreliable narrator of all things Bootstuck. The two of them discuss a place called the Tube Store—oddly specific for a town that barely seems to exist on a map.

In the second half, Hat Guy is on the move, possibly driving, which hints that Bootstuck might be reachable by roa...

Tape 6 opens with our familiar slow-talking, low-voiced Bootstuck resident and an enlightening—if baffling—discussion about snowfall measurement. Their method? Buckets. Literal buckets. They count the flakes. Allegedly.

Before long, Hat Guy stirs from what sounds like a nap and jumps right into, you guessed it, another story about hats. Of course. At this point, it’s unclear why the interviewer keeps entertaining these ramblings—but I’m practically begging for a single direct question. Just one.

Still no real answers. No purpose. No context. Just more static, more strange, and more Bootstuck. I’m holding out...

Tape 5 takes a surprising turn. What started as a handful of strange voices in a foggy fishing village now hints at something more structured—dare I say organized. This is the longest, most revealing recording yet, and for once, we get a name.

Meet Don. He’s the previously unnamed voice from Tape 4, and apparently, he’s got some sway in Bootstuck. Don talks local governance, suggests electing a mayor, and even floats the idea of town council meetings to hear pitches from developers. Suddenly, Bootstuck sounds less like a campfire fever dream and more like an actual...

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This is another conversation between " Dave" and hat guy where they seem to be arranging a form of governance for Bootstuck in preparation for what sounds like an offer from big box stores to come into town. They also ramble on about fitbits and telephones but there is some progress in finding out just where exactly this place is. 

www.bootstuck.com

Tape 4 drifts away from interviews and into what sounds like an unscripted, unfiltered conversation between Hat Guy and a new, unnamed voice. No introductions, no explanations—just two minds meeting in the middle of nowhere.

The topic? Microwaves. Specifically, how to use one properly… or, in Hat Guy’s case, how to absolutely not. His methods are, at best, unconventional—and at worst, a health hazard. Our new speaker doesn’t seem fazed, which says a lot about the intellectual ecosystem in Bootstuck.

The cast keeps expanding, but the facts remain elusive. No coordinates, no dates, no...

Tape 3 opens with... well, let’s call it an atmospheric conversation. There’s a lot of background noise—some of it suspiciously gastrointestinal—and once again, the subject is hats. This time, Hat Guy pitches his latest invention: a hat vending machine. Naturally.

We’re introduced to a new voice, a slow-talking man with a thick southern drawl and a wandering train of thought. He pauses mid-interview to go wake someone named "Jimmy," leaving Hat Guy to run wild on the mic. And just like that—there are three voices in the mix.

It’s chaotic, borde...

Tape 2 is mostly a wash of static—until Hat Guy cuts through the noise. Twice. Both interviews offer little in terms of geography but reveal flickers of life in Bootstuck. One conversation unfolds over what sounds like a farm—roosters in the background, maybe?—and, true to form, it shifts quickly back to hats. No surprise there.

Still, a few breadcrumbs emerge: Hat Guy references a “computer phone” that takes photos, so we can assume smartphones exist out there… though good luck getting a signal. There's also a fleeting mention of a Walmart truck, which suggests Bootstuck sits on some...

Every mystery starts somewhere—and for Bootstuck, it begins with a box of old tapes from an estate sale in Sudbury, Ontario. Some are labeled, some barely scratched with cryptic scrawls, and others completely blank. Most are in rough shape, but this one feels like the starting point.

The voice on the recording—unidentified, possibly on a boat, and drenched in radio static—will be known for now as Hat Guy. The interference sounds like shortwave or HAM radio, suggesting this might be how Bootstuck's strange transmissions were broadcast. But as for where, when, or why this was re...