What People Miss

Ramadan is often seen as a sacred month only for Muslims, yet its deeper invitation is profoundly human: a chance to reset your nervous system, release emotional weight, and remember that you are safe to lead.

For twenty years, I navigated a tumultuous, emotionally abusive marriage. The practice of Ramadan—fasting, reflection, and surrender—became the lifeline that helped me regulate my limbic system, reclaim my body, and rebuild my sense of self. That journey is what ultimately shaped my work as a Somatic Holistic Healer and the creation of my Four Mind Alignment™ methodology and my self‑g...

Root. Reveal. Rise. with Embodied Visioning.

Every January for the past four years The Wholeness Center has offered The Visioning Retreat virtually and in person. This year I was one of the facilitators.

This episode is both a recap of this years' event from the perspective of each facilitator/ participant and one participant and an invitation to view visioning differently. 

Bemene Piaro, the Founder of Wholeness Center and ICF certified transformational coach, defines "vision board" and the process utilized in her unique embodied visioning.

In this episode, Cordelia Gaffar invites you to stop contorting yourself to fit standards that were never made for your wholeness. Explore the hidden costs of being “palatable,” how those patterns once kept you safe, and how to transcend them through embodiment, presence, and joy. It’s time to move from surviving to savoring — from performance to authentic power.

Follow Cordelia at https://cordeliagaffar.substack.com/

Success has a shadow.

For many successful men, it’s the quiet exhaustion that comes from constantly managing how others see you.

In boardrooms, at home, and even in friendships—you’ve learned how to be “palatable.”

 Charming. Strategic. Controlled.

But behind that mastery lies a truth: being endlessly adaptable is slowly draining the very energy you need to live fully.

When you spend years being "selectively you," your nervous system stays in a loop of performance—reading the room instead of resting in your body. Your limbic s...

Inner joy is quiet, rooted, and lived from the inside out—performative joy is polished, public, and often exhausting. This episode of What People Miss invites listeners to stop staging happiness and start actually feeling it.

Episode overview

In this solo episode, The Ultimate Joy Goddess, Cordelia Gaffar, unpacks the difference between inner joy that nourishes the nervous system and performative joy that keeps you on an endless treadmill of proving, pleasing, and performing. You will explore how childhood conditioning, corporate culture, and social media norms train you to prioritize looking happy ov...

Dress your soul in color: discover how style, presence, and embodiment can move you from survival mode into savoring your everyday life.

Savoring life through color with Inna Korbokina

Savoring life through color, embodiment, and presence, this conversation with producer, host, and author Inna Korobkina invites you to see your everyday world as a living canvas for joy and self-expression. Together, we explore how what you wear, how you move, and how you see color can become a pathway out of survival mode and into a more intentional, pleasure-filled life.

What this episode...

What People Miss with Cordelia Gaffar is a space for women who are done merely surviving and are ready to savor life, even in the midst of grief, transition, and rage. Through intimate, unfiltered conversations, award‑winning podcast host, best‑selling author, and Ultimate Joy Goddess Cordelia Gaffar walks you through the quiet moments most people skip over when they are trying to be “strong” and keep it all together.paste.txt​

What this episode explores

In this powerful episode, Cordelia opens the new solar year by inviting you to create from a place of savoring l...

Why do so many of us comply with norms that don’t actually fit who we are?

In this episode, we pull back the curtain on respectability politics—how they are shaped by colonization, religion, and the longing to belong—and what it costs us to keep performing “acceptable” instead of being fully alive. The conversation traces how compliance often grows from a desire for safety and community, not weakness, and why justice can never be one-size-fits-all when every story and body is different.

Together, we explore how curiosity can soften defensiveness, how discomfort becomes a portal t...

Silence at Work: The Societal Impact of Respectability Politics with Dr. Christopher N Smith

In part two of our series on respectability politics, host Cordelia Gaffar and guest Dr. Chris N. Smith go deeper into the emotional and embodied cost of constantly performing for acceptance. Together, they explore how conformity drains our energy, suppresses joy, and subtly distorts our sense of success and self-worth.

This conversation invites you to reclaim self-nurturing as an act of resistance and liberation—choosing pleasure, presence, and savoring life instead of living for external va...

“Silence says more than words” could be the subtitle of my conversation with Dr. Chris N. Smith. Together, we explore the messy, very human space where marginalization, respectability politics, and self-nurturing collide, unpacking how survival strategies like code switching shape identity, behavior, and belonging. The episode traces the emotional toll of constantly monitoring how you speak, move, and show up, and what happens in the body and mind when “fitting in” becomes a full-time job.

We dive into how silence, avoidance, and emotional abuse are often symptoms of deeper systemic bias, not individual weakness, and why self-advocacy is essen...

This episode invites listeners into a tender, truth-telling conversation between Cordelia Gaffar and yoga teacher and energy healer Madala Machini about what it really means to care for yourself at the deepest level. Together, they explore how practices like acupuncture, meditation, and yoga support healing not just on the surface, but all the way down to the cellular level, reminding us that the body is always working on our behalf.

Madala shares her transformative journey into energy healing, including a pivotal trip to India that opened her path, and how teaching yoga and offering energetic support became...

🌟 Ever felt like intimacy is just out of reach during tough times?  

In our latest podcast episode, we dive into the importance of self-intimacy and being present with our bodies, especially when life gets challenging. 

Feeling disconnected? Remember, it’s okay to acknowledge your needs!  

How do you stay connected with yourself during tough times? In Tantra, we keep our eyes open because inside outside same. 

So how does that look in real life? I interviewed one of my classmates at The Amina Institute to see how somati...

In the episode, I get to sit down with Bemen Piaro, a previous guest and talk about two of our upcoming events including Visioning as Self-Nurturing.

The Whole Tantrum Party on Dec 27, 2025

https://cordeliagaffar.com/services/personal-development/the-whole-tantrum-party-december-27th-150527445

The Wholeness Visioning Retreat on January 10, 2026

 If you’ve been moving fast, making decisions on the fly, or feeling stretched thin, clarity might be exactly what your mind and body are craving.

And clarity doesn’t simply appear — it emerges when you slow down long en...

In this episode, I invite you into a tender yet rebellious conversation about what it truly means to de-center others and reclaim your own emotional, mental, and spiritual bandwidth.

For so many of us—especially women—we were taught to give, give, give.

To self-deprive.

To silence our desires.

To see ourselves only in relation to someone else, especially a man.

But what happens when we consciously choose to break those patterns?

This episode explores the...

In this episode, Coach Sandy B, my guest, opens her heart about the journey of learning to tell the truth—especially with the people who raised, shaped, and challenged us the most: our family. We explore what happens when we begin to communicate honestly after years of silence, suppression, or saying only what we believed others could handle.

I share my personal reflections on accountability, the complicated layers of family dynamics, and how self-awareness invites us to show up differently. And yet—when we do show up differently, not everyone applauds. Sometimes, honesty feels like an attack. Some...

Let's Talk Respectability Politics

In this episode, I open a heartfelt conversation about respectability politics and the myth of imposter syndrome. We’ve been told that imposter syndrome is something we must “fix” within ourselves—especially if we are women, mothers, creatives, or leaders who dare to do life differently. But what if the real issue is not within us at all?

I explore how the world we move through was not designed with all of our identities, expressions, or cultural truths in mind—and how the pressure to “perform” acceptance, professionalism, or palatability can make us feel l...

Love Awakened: Healing the Blockages That Keep You From Love

Love isn’t something we chase—it’s something we remember.

In this soul-stirring conversation, I sit down with Renee Miller, Founder of The Love Camp and my co-creator of the Love Awakened Retreat for Women, to explore the invisible barriers that keep us from experiencing the fullness of love. We unpack how trauma, self-protection, and cultural conditioning can quietly shape the way we give, receive, and even define love.

Set against the lush, transformative backdrop of Bali, we reflect on the deep emotio...

Summary

In this conversation, Zaha Aljabri and James Faghmous discuss the various factors that rob people of their joy, particularly focusing on capitalism and its associated beliefs. They explore the importance of recognizing one's true nature and spiritual intelligence as a means to reconnect with joy. The discussion also touches on parenting in a capitalistic society, cultural expectations, and the role of joy in spirituality. Ultimately, they emphasize the need to reclaim joy amidst chaos and the importance of community and connection.

Zahra is an author, award-winning entrepreneur, lawyer, and life coach who helps Muslim...

In this enlightening conversation, Willie J and I delve into the concept of pleasure, exploring its foundations, the importance of awareness and responsibility in seeking joy, and the transformative power of detachment.

How do you do that in these times?

Are there practices that you are missing or could deepen?

You will enjoy this riveting exchanges between mature believers of different dogma choosing the joy of spirituality as a role model of what is possible.

Write me at hello@cordeliagaffar.com and let me know what is robbing you of your...

The Whole Tantrum Party Feeling with Community. Subscribe here.

In this opening season episode, I outline reasons to have a whole tantrum. You may think that is not very mature or sensible and I beg to differ. Listen to the six reasons you need to have a whole tantrum and my further invitation to experience that with me. 

This episode also serves as the guide for season 2 and the conversations you will hear with varying spiritual and religious filters. Feel into your body as you listen. Do you feel ease, release, constriction, increased or decreased h...

Why Rage is Required for Your Ultimate Joy! 

This episode is about extreme feelings that are available to open you up to your core for your ultimate joy. How are you using your rage? Are you using it?

I also wrote more about this in my substack. Subscribe, comment and enjoy!

https://open.substack.com/pub/cordeliagaffar/p/why-rage-is-required?r=1z8t8j&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true

What if the way you show up in the world—on stage, on camera, or even in your daily life—wasn’t about performing… but about being fully, unapologetically YOU?

In this powerful and soul-nourishing conversation, I sit down with Lucy Devi Hall, a visibility and public speaking coach who helps entrepreneurs fall in love with how they show up. Lucy’s unique approach blends emotional strategy, embodied confidence, and parts work, guiding leaders to be seen without shrinking or shape-shifting to fit expectations.

But Lucy’s story is more than professional expertise—it’s deeply personal...

“Joy is a lifestyle, not something you buy.” – Richard Noel

In this week’s What People Miss, we’re talking about how to live joyfully, intentionally, and in alignment with your true self. My guest Richard Noel — sound therapist, musician, and joy advocate — reveals how:

✔ Incantations reprogram your mind faster than affirmations

✔ Your mood is your Wi-Fi (it affects every connection you have)

✔ Emotional baggage blocks your natural state of happiness

✔ Worrying is a form of negative meditation you can stop today

This is more than a conversation — it’s an...

 "We Can Catch This Healing" – A Conversation on Wholeness, Vulnerability & Black Masculinity 🎙️✨

In this powerful and heartfelt episode, I sit down with Bernard to reflect on my guest-hosting experience at King’s Corner—the virtual sanctuary created by Black Men Heal in Philadelphia. Together, we open the door to raw, liberating dialogue on what it truly means for Black men to feel safe in their bodies, reclaim their dignity, and allow themselves to heal. 💔💫

🛑 We challenge the grind.

🌀 We redefine productivity.

💗 We honor rest, emotional safety, and radical self-care.

💬 We say: "You deserve to be your...

In this deeply nourishing conversation, the Queen and I embark on an intimate exploration of what it truly means for Black women over 50 to reclaim their wholeness. Together, we dive into the rich layers of Black women's sexual liberation, the healing power of community and co-regulation, and the often unspoken impact of colorism on self-identity and desirability.

We unravel the myth that worthiness is something to be earned, instead affirming that self-worth is a radical choice—one Black women must prioritize unapologetically. Our dialogue weaves in the tender integration of grief as a sacred portal to joy, th...

In this powerful and liberating conversation, Cordelia sits down with Mx. Queen, LCSW, M.Ed., a somatic sex therapist and founder of the Erospirituality Centre, to explore the depths of Black sexual liberation, erotic intelligence, and the sacred intersection of spirituality and sexuality. Together, they unpack the critical distinctions between sex, sexuality, and sexual liberation—and why understanding these differences is essential for both personal healing and collective freedom.

This episode dives into how emotional and erotic intelligence shape our ability to experience pleasure, self-trust, and authentic connection. Cordelia and Queen examine how religious conditioning, societal norms, an...

In this powerful and timely episode of Jewels of Juneteenth, I sit down with Coach E., a seasoned Functional Movement Specialist who has helped over 3,000 clients reclaim strength and ease chronic pain. Together, we dive deep into the layered intersections of functional movement, emotional wellness, and the often-overlooked impact of racism on the body.

Coach E. shares his lived experience as a Black man navigating discrimination, and how those encounters leave an imprint—not just on the mind, but deep within the muscles, breath, and posture. We explore how trauma and emotional stress manifest physically, particularly in th...

 In this episode of Jewels of Juneteenth, I get to discuss segregation, the dreams we lost, and the power we may be missing today with E. Bernard Alexander.

Whilst everyone is up in arms about the future of DEI, we ask a challenging and thought-provoking question: Are we missing the gifts of segregation—the ability to empower ourselves, heal our communities, and align with our divine purpose? Could we pull from history and see what we created on the heels of Emancipation to move forward today in a more purposeful and unified way?

E. Bernard bri...

What People Miss is a podcast about living life by noticing the subtleties. Like Mozart said, "The music is not in the notes, but in the space between them". The theme for the month of June is the Jewels of Juneteenth. 

In this interview, I am interviewing Tiffany Wright, the Founder of BOBC, Blacked Owned Business Community.

Highlights:

Why is there a need for BOBC?

How does the Black business community compare to 100 years ago?

What are some of the challenges?

J...

Are you wearing your crown and creating your life—or simply waiting to see what life gives you?

Here’s the truth: It is your birthright to choose. To savor—not just survive. To feel—not just function. To rise—not only react.

As we welcome June and prepare to honor Juneteenth, let’s recognize this holiday for more than a moment in time. Let’s use it as a mirror and a map—revealing where we’ve been and where we still must go, especially within.

What People Miss About Juneteenth

Juneteenth is no...

In this conversation, Abeo Noel and I explore the multifaceted concept of self-care, emphasizing its importance in personal well-being and relationships. We discuss the necessity of recognizing one's own needs, the role of retreats in self-discovery, and the connection between self-care and pleasure. We also touch on cultural perspectives of self-care and practical tips for integrating it into daily life, ultimately advocating for a more mindful approach to personal health and emotional awareness.

We also discuss different forms of retreats:

My next virtual retreat From Surviving to...

Think of this episode as a blend of how you consciously and unconsciously make choices. Zai Miztiq and I were talking one day and this came up. 

You get to hear our thoughts and the psychology behind why beautiful women choose ugly men. That means behavior as well as looks. I am bringing levity to mental health awareness whether you are a beautiful woman or ugly man join us 😂🥰🎉

According to Zai Miztiq, it is an A.R.T. Watch and find out how to magnetize the higher version of yourself!

Summary

In this episode, Cordelia Gaffar discusses the often-overlooked challenges that mothers face in balancing work and family life. She highlights the emotional labor involved, the impact on self-worth, and offers practical solutions for reclaiming joy and nurturing oneself amidst the chaos of motherhood. The conversation emphasizes the importance of self-care, breathing techniques, and the need for mothers to honor themselves and their contributions.

Takeaways

My series on Mothers and Motherhood begins Monday on What People Miss.

This week let’s be honest about Mothers and Divorce.

Some women don’t want it.

Some women do want it.

Both groups sometimes stay bondage to the emotions of their decision and the circumstances which created it for years.

What if you could not only be free of it but use the emotions as the fuel for liberation?

What if you could be d...

In this heartfelt conversation, Renee Miller and I explore the profound themes of love, accountability, and the beauty of life. We discuss the importance of integral love, which emphasizes responsibility and empathy in our interactions. The conversation delves into the barriers that prevent a loving world, including personal struggles and societal issues. Ultimately, they highlight the power of choice and self-love as essential components in creating a more beautiful and connected existence.

Takeaways

If people came from a place of love, we would see more integral energy.

Integral love keeps you accountable and...

In this engaging conversation, Cordelia Gaffar and Renee Miller explore the multifaceted nature of love, relationships, and personal growth. They discuss the importance of shadow work, effective communication in new relationships, and the role of compassion in leadership. The dialogue emphasizes the need for emotional intelligence and the impact of love blockages on personal and professional interactions. Ultimately, the conversation highlights the transformative power of love and joy in both personal and corporate settings.

#love #relationships #shadow work #communication #compassion #leadership #emotionalintelligence #joy #loveblockages #personalgrowth

About my guest:

Meet Renee Miller, the Founder...

In this enlightening conversation, Cordelia Gaffar and Dr. Neema Moore delve into the often-overlooked aspects of menopause, discussing its beauty, the challenges of perimenopause, and the impact of hormonal changes on women's health. They explore the significance of community support, the effects of fibroids, and the positive transformations that can occur during this life stage. The discussion emphasizes the importance of self-care, confidence, and the opportunity for women to reassess their lives and make meaningful connections as they navigate this transition.

Takeaways

Summary

In this conversation, Cordelia Gaffar explores the critical differences between equity and equality, emphasizing the importance of focusing on equity to achieve fairness and justice. She discusses cultural transformation, the need to value all forms of work, the significance of financial inclusion for women, and the empowerment that comes from self-care and joy. Gaffar encourages listeners to recognize their own worth and the worth of others, advocating for a shift in perspective that prioritizes equity over equality.

Takeaways

Equity focuses on fairness and justice, while equality means providing the...

, "Aging has a wonderful beauty, and we should have respect for that."

Have you questioned your looks? Felt judged for them? Or even avoided discussing them for fear of (fill in the blank)? Let's talk about what beauty is and is not.

self awareness, 

self love, 

rediscovery and 

the importance of recognizing the beauty within us.

Introducing Dr. Chi Quita Mack, MSW: distinguished social worker, accomplished author, and revered healing coach. Driven by an unyielding commitment to excellence, she stands as a b...

Many intelligent and successful women suffer in silence with an unspoken trauma. Sometimes because they don’t acknowledge it and sometimes because it is not recognized as a REAL form of abuse. 

According to https://www.womenslaw.org/👍

Emotional abuse is defined as “...mostly non-physical behaviors that the abuser uses to control, isolate, or frighten you. Often, the abuser uses it to break down your self-esteem and self-worth in order to create a psychological dependency on him/her.”

During our discussion we will identify the symptoms and share our...