The Art of We

When conflict arises in a relationship, do you retreat, explode, or sweep it under the rug? We unpack one of our foundational relationship agreements: to Repair Abundantly. We explore how the ability to fully and lovingly repair after conflict is the difference between surviving and thriving—and how the right kind of repair doesn’t just restore connection, it deepens it. We share personal stories, listener questions, and the real-life impact of doing this work together, especially when triggers come up again (and again). 

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer<...

What if one agreement could shift how you move through perceived limitations, everyday stuckness, and painful patterns in your relationship? Krista and Will dive into their relationship agreement, “To Always Find Possibility.” Whether it's health issues, career crossroads, or relational tension, this simple yet powerful commitment has helped them stay connected, creative, and forward-moving—even when things seem hopeless. Tune in for real-life examples, practical insights, and an invitation to transform how you face challenges with your partner.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) The origin of the agreem...

About the Episode:

Addressing passive-aggressive comments like a ninja is highly satisfying. It can stop the aggressor in their shoes and wake them up to the impact they’re having. Most passive-aggressive comments are simply unskilled communications of negative feelings. By directly and neutrally addressing passive aggressiveness, we can support each other to grow as human beings. 

In episode 121 of the Art of We podcast, we get into the nuanced terrain of passive aggressiveness in both personal and professional relationships. Dr. Will and Krista Van Derveer discuss its subtle nature and how it can operate und...

What if the parts of us we feel most ashamed of—our tender, young, vulnerable selves—were actually the doorway to greater sovereignty and connection in our partnerships? In this deeply personal episode, we share a very real moment from our recent IFS (Internal Family Systems) retreat with Richard Schwartz, where an old, exiled part of me got triggered in a big way. But instead of spiraling into conflict or disconnection, we used our agreements and IFS tools to move through it—together. If you’ve ever struggled with feeling unseen, insignificant, or overly sensitive in your relationship, this episode...

Ever feel like your emotions take over during conflict? What if there was an easier way to navigate tough conversations? In this episode, we dive into Internal Family Systems (IFS)—a powerful approach to understanding the different "parts" of ourselves and how they show up in relationships. We share how this model has transformed our ability to work through triggers, deepen our connection, and show up for each other's growth in a way that fosters security and desire. 

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) – The power of how we ph...

Does absence REALLY make the heart grow fonder? In this episode, we explore the role of separateness in fueling desire in long-term relationships and uncover the deeper factors that truly spark passion in a thriving partnership. Plus, we share a personal story about how the movie The Substance nearly led to a major rupture between us—but ultimately revealed profound insights about what really creates and sustains desire in our relationship.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Welcome!

(00:35) Listener question: Does separateness fuel desire in long-t...

In this episode, we dive into over-merging in relationships, exploring the difference between healthy interdependence and codependency. Hear how attachment styles shape connection, balancing differing needs for contact, and prioritizing different needs for contact. We share our personal experiences of the power of co-regulation and how couples can create agreements that support both individuals and the we of their partnership. This episode offers valuable insights and practical tools to help you and your partner thrive.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Over-or-under merging is a path of deve...

In part 2, Bari Tessler shares her framework for Couples Money Dates, how to navigate power imbalances when one partner earns more, financial polarization & hidden money dynamics, the mental & emotional loads of money in partnerships, how to teach kids about money (without passing down shame), somatic tools to shift your relationship with money. If you want more financial intimacy, clarity, and teamwork in your partnership, this one’s for you!

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Power, control, and financial conditions in childhood

(02:09) Money...

In this episode, financial therapy pioneer Bari Tessler joins us to explore the deep connections between money, shame, and relationships. Hear how money stories and family lineage shape financial behaviors, why couples often polarize around money, and how the Enneagram can offer insight into financial dynamics. Bari emphasizes the power of financial therapy and somatic practices in healing and empowerment around money. 

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Money stories and lineage influences

(00:23) Intro to Bari Tessler

(04:27) Life phases & money decis...

Relationship therapist and couples coach Ellen Boeder joins us to explore the intersection of attachment, power dynamics, and secure functioning in partnerships. We discuss how power imbalances can emerge in relationships, the difference between secure and insecure functioning, and how couples can cultivate true mutuality. 

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Why secure functioning matters in relationships

(03:26) What defines secure vs. insecure relationships? 

(06:22) How power struggles emerge in insecure relationships

(09:37) Three key factors that shape relationship dynamics

(13...

In this episode, we explore how small yet intentional agreements can help heal deep relational wounds and foster secure, connected partnerships. We share our personal experiences with one of our core relationship agreements and how it has transformed our injuries from the past. Through this lens, we invite listeners to reflect on your own insecurities and explore how agreements can be a powerful tool for healing, trust, and deeper intimacy.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Introduction: How small agreements can heal deep relational wounds

(02:23) The...

In this episode, Krista and Will Van Derveer dive into the power of relational agreements and how they help couples navigate cultural conditioning, power dynamics, and historical wounds. They share their personal journey of creating a partnership built on mutuality and responsibility—key ingredients for a thriving, purpose-driven relationship. Tune in for insights on how agreements can foster growth, repair, and deeper connection in your own relationship.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Introduction: Why mutuality and cultural conditioning matter in relationships

(02:15) The origin of their...

In this heartfelt episode, we explore the delicate dynamics of sexual approaches in relationships, diving into how cultural conditioning, gender roles, and personal trauma can create friction. We share our own challenges, uncovering misunderstandings and the steps we’re taking to heal and grow. If you’ve faced similar struggles or want to deepen your intimacy, this episode offers relatable insights and practical tools to foster safety, connection, and collaboration.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Setting the stage for an intimate and important conversation

(01:58) Explorin...

In this episode, Krista and Dr. Will Van Derveer announce a new series focusing on creating equitable partnerships. They discuss taking a brief break until mid-January 2025 and announce updated "Top 10 Agreements" available on their website. The episode emphasizes their commitment to exploring power dynamics, fairness, and mutual success in relationships, particularly from their perspective as a heterosexual couple. They share questions for the listeners to reflect on regarding equity in their own relationships during the holiday break.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(0:00) - The importance of cons...

In this unique and candid episode, Will is interviewed by Krista about the inner workings of relationship and his personal journey toward creating a thriving partnership. Through spontaneous questions and random sentence stems, Will shares vulnerably about navigating challenges – from bathroom counter disputes to deeper questions of maintaining connection – and offers practical wisdom for anyone seeking to build a more conscious and fulfilling relationship. 

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(0:00) Opening reflection on how people make meaningful changes in relationships 

(3:22) Will shares his journey from feeling al...

Are you an ambitious, growth-oriented person who finds yourself stuck in frustrating relationship patterns? In this episode of The Art of We podcast, we explore how positive thinking—usually an asset for high achievers—can actually become a relationship blind spot. Learn how to distinguish between healthy optimism and "false positivity" that keeps you invested in misaligned partnerships or painful relationship patterns, and discover practical ways to create the deeply fulfilling relationship you truly desire.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer & Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Warning signs of false positivity: Recognizing cycles of hope...

Join us as we dive deep into sacred sexuality with sex coach Amanda Testa, sharing our own journey of conscious intimacy alongside practical guidance for healing sexual trauma and embracing authentic pleasure. Whether single or partnered, discover how trauma-informed tantric practices can transform relationships and create more personal and interpersonal wholeness by breaking free from cultural conditioning and performative behaviors. From male performance anxiety to embodiment practices, we openly explore the challenges and breakthroughs in creating safe, conscious sexual experiences that honor both partners' wholeness.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer & Dr. Will Van Derv...

In this heartfelt episode, we tackle a challenging topic facing relationships at this moment: how to keep our hearts open when political differences threaten to pull us apart. With the presidential election heightening tensions in many families in the US, we share our own journey of learning to have these difficult conversations, acknowledging the very real pain and fear that can arise when we feel fundamentally misunderstood by those closest to us.

Drawing from our experience, we offer a compassionate framework that emphasizes connection over conversion. Through practical examples and vulnerable sharing, we demonstrate how curiosity about...

We dive deep into the art of giving feedback in relationships. We explore how to address habits or behaviors that may cause frustration while keeping love, respect, and collaboration at the forefront. Using a real-life example, we share a step-by-step approach for delivering feedback in a way that nurtures growth, creates alignment, and fosters a deeper connection. If you're ready to elevate how you and your partner handle tough conversations, this episode is for you!

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Introduction and Common Misconceptions About Conflict

If you want thriving relationships, having the harder conversations is a MUST! In this episode, Krista gives examples on how to skillfully start a conversation when either you’ve been negatively impacted, or you think you may have left a negative impact. Cleaning these impacts up are critical to the health of any relationship, and of course most importantly with the relationships that mean the most to you. This episode is part 1 of 2, where next week we will share how to skillfully give feedback, especially the kind that is hard to give and receive!

“The Art Of We”...

Krista and Will dive into the delicate dance of making decisions together when you and your partner aren't on the same page. From the lighthearted story of their mug collection clash to the bigger conversations about significant decisions, they explore how they’ve navigated differences without sacrificing connection. Compromise is not the solution – but creating a win/win is. Listen in for practical insights, light humor, and actionable steps to turn moments of tension into opportunities for deeper partnership.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) Welcome!

(00:30...

A candid discussion about alcohol's role in relationships, including an honest conversation about how casual drinking habits subtly impact our intimacy, connection, and overall relationship satisfaction. We offer practical strategies for creating conscious conversations around alcohol and making healthier choices as a couple. Whether you're curious about moderating your drinking habits or seeking a more mindful partnership, this episode provides valuable tools and fresh perspectives.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer

(00:00) The importance of explicit conversations in relationships  

(00:30) Exploring alcohol use in relationships & its impacts  

(01...

Krista and Will dive into a relatable moment that many of us have experienced—how a seemingly small disagreement can ignite big emotions. They unpack their own recent "dry cleaning incident" and share the raw and vulnerable details of what it triggered for each of them and how they repaired the rupture. You’ll learn how to navigate those frustrating ruptures in your relationship and transform them into moments of growth. This episode is packed with practical tools on how to communicate better, repair conflicts, and move from "I" to "We" in your partnership.

“The Art Of We” po...

Managing money as a couple doesn’t have to be a battle! In fact, it can be one of the most empowering & “mutually equitable” ways to grow together. This episode has insights on how to tackle tricky money conversations, turn financial stress into financial success, create money agreements & build a partnership where both of you feel valued & supported. Tune in, because leveling up your relationship starts with mastering your money game!

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer.

(00:00) - How financial systems can support or undermine a partnership

(02:5...

How do I maintain a healthy relationship with my ex after divorce? How do I forgive my ex after a difficult divorce? Listen in to hear Dr. Jill Carnahan and Aaron Carnahan’s inspiring story of how they have created a harmonious and healthy relationship after a painful divorce. You’ll hear how to have a healthy relationship with an ex after divorce with the right tools, perspectives and mindsets. 

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer.

(00:00) - Intro to Dr. Jill Carnahan & Aaron Carnahan

(00:39) - How to cr...

We cover a LOT in this one! Including: Creating a Safe Space for Sexual Conversations, Navigating Sensitive Sexual Conversations, Tips for Talking About Sex, Addressing Suppressed Desires and Fantasies, Getting Stuck in Sexual Routines, The Role of Sexuality in Relationships, Stages of Sexual Development, and more. Fostering an environment of trust and security using relationship agreements so partners can work through vulnerable topics without fear of disconnection.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer.

(00:00) - Creating safety and security in relationships

(01:56) - Addressing fears stemming from “how do...

Is there an issue from the past that keeps coming up? Or an ongoing conflict that can’t seem to get resolved? In this episode we explore effective approaches for couples seeking to resolve long standing issues and conflicts that resurface over time. We share our advice to a couple who is struggling with an incident that happened over 20 years ago, and also share an example of where we personally got stuck in our own marriage, related to our wedding date, and how we finally came to clarity.

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr...

Do one of you like your home clean and organized but the other could care less? Does the majority of household clean up fall on one of you, while the other is mostly contributing to the mess? If you and your partner have conflicts around differences in cleanliness standards at home, this episode is for you! We share our own struggles in this area and what we’ve done to become more aligned in keeping a household environment that feels good to both of us. We offer insights to help couples navigate and resolve conflicts over cleanliness and organization in...

Have you ever wondered how to create a partnership that’s a vehicle for your greatest potential? Or struggled to create a partnership that can grow beyond the sum parts of the traumas, challenges or wounds that you and your partner bring into the relationship? In this episode Krista and Will share how they are using their relationship to explicitly bring one another into greater sovereignty, wholeness and capacity to reach each of their potentials. 

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer.

(00:00) - The Struggle with Authentic Self-Expression And His...

Is your sex life taking a back seat due to a busy schedule? Tune in to discover how and why to prioritize physical intimacy, with our personal tips and tricks to keep it at the top of your to-do list. We'll also share the psychological, physical, and emotional benefits of prioritizing your sex life, especially for mission-driven couples. Plus, hear about our relationship agreement that keeps us on track!

“The Art Of We” podcast with Krista Van Derveer and Dr. Will Van Derveer.

(00:00) - Prioritizing your sex life & defining “sex life”

(02:04) - The key mind...

Do you crave a deeper connection with your partner but don’t know how in the face of super busy lives and schedules? Listen in to hear about a transformative daily connection exercise that has significantly deepened our connection in the face of crazy-busy lives. 

By prioritizing emotional intimacy and mindful listening, we’ve found this short but consistent practice minimizes conflicts and strengthens bonds. Discover how to bring more depth and connection into your relationship with this practical, heartfelt tool. Tune in to learn the steps and experience the profound impact it can have on your partn...

Do you and your partner have the same frustrating argument over and over? Or you can’t figure out why the same darn issue keeps coming up and you can’t seem to resolve it? We know all about that! Today we share how we woke up to the root cause of the ongoing argument that helped us resolve the issue, instead of just putting bandaids on it. Listen in to hear key mindsets and actionable steps you can apply to help resolve those painful arguments. 

(00:00) - Discussing key elements to navigate repetitive arguments in relationships

(01...

Do you have a great relationship but it’s lacking chemistry? In this episode we suggest five unique areas to explore if your partnership is lacking the sparkle it used to have. We also share our relationship agreement that’s the secret to keeping our relationship chemistry and intimacy in tip top shape!

(00:00) - Introduction to navigating relationships that are healthy but lack chemistry

(01:49) - Our personal relationship agreement that generates chemistry in our partnership 

(02:33) - Importance of Generativity / Our Brain’s Tendency to Automate Our Partners

(04:43) - The Need For Effort...

Giving ultimatums in relationships is a serious, but sometimes necessary, decision. In this episode we explore the circumstances under which an ultimatum might be the right move, how to thoughtfully prepare for delivering one, and the importance of being clear and committed when standing up for your needs. Dr. Will shares his personal experience of giving an ultimatum in his first marriage and the transformative journey that followed. The discussion highlights the balance between supporting a partner's success and ensuring your own needs are met.

00:00 - Introduction to ultimatums in relationships

02:32 - Identifying when to...

Impulsively threatening the relationship when we get triggered, angry, or unable to work through repeating relationship conflicts is an ineffective way of attempting to get our partner to change. It creates insecurity, dysregulation and fear, rather than creating the feelings of safety and security that’s needed to work through difficult relationship challenges together. 

Today we discuss the importance of taking more skilled self responsibility in relationships, particularly when it comes to making threats or issuing ultimatums, including effective communication, mutual understanding, and adult behavior in addressing conflicts. In this episode we offer healthier and more constructive alt...

How can you bring your vulnerability in a way that brings your partner closer to you? What is "masculine vulnerability"? In episode 88 of The Art of We podcast we dive into this topic, bringing smart relationship advice and best relationship practices for couples who want a successful partnership. We share our definition of masculine vulnerability and effective strategies for bringing more vulnerability for the purposes of building a lasting and extraordinary partnership together.

(00:00)   The intersection of masculinity and vulnerability and definition of terms. 

(04:21)  Cultural & historical perspectives on masculinity 

(06:38)  Example of hosts bringing “agentic” vulnerabi...

As mission-based people, it’s culturally acceptable to constantly be tethered to our phones, but what happens when being at the beck and call of our business gets in the way of authentic and deep connection? In this episode, we explore the impact that technology overuse has on our relationship and work on crafting a new agreement about using our phones after working hours. 

Since starting the Integrative Psychiatry Institute in 2018, we’ve largely been in startup mode. Now that the team is built out and there’s more operational support, it’s not solely on Will to put ou...

Krista Van Derveer shares her journey of being single and looking for a partnership before she met Will. You’ll hear her unique approach on finding love after loss, preparing for a new relationship, navigating the dating world, and her secret relationship practices that helped her weed out incompatible partners to find a partner (Will!) that had similar relationship goals and also stood for an extraordinary kind of long-term relationship. 

If you’re single and looking for a relationship or you want to elevate your current relationship, this episode is for you!

00:00 - Unique approaches to ca...

Will shares his journey of waking up on his 40th birthday realizing he didn’t have the kind of relationship he really wanted, and what he uniquely did to eventually call-in his next partner (Krista!) and co-create the kind of partnership they have today. Whether you're single and searching or looking to elevate your current relationship, this episode offers valuable insights and useful advice.

Topics Covered:

Within our web of vows that help us maintain what we believe is possible in our relationship, gambling everything for the love we want is at the center. In this episode, we unpack what that means for us and how we work to bring forth every aspect of ourselves, even in challenging or uncomfortable conversations. 

Unless we take a real stand for the kind of relationship we desire, and then be willing to put everything on the table to give our relationship a chance to live into that stand, we are going to compromise or settle in a...