Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast

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True or False: Once she leaves the relationship, the abuse will stop.

If you've been following me for a while, you probably know the answer to this one. It's, of course, 100% false. But unfortunately, a lot of people think this way when it comes to abusive relationships (I was one of those people too).

Yes, leaving an abusive relationship is an important step but there are many other steps that come both before and after that. One of them is understanding the kind of post-separation abuse you and your kids will likely be subject to.<...

You've just started dating someone and you're smitten.

Long conversations, extravagant dates, over-the-top gestures, expensive gifts, constant 'checking in', talks of moving in together after only a few weeks... 

Could be a true connection with a potential life partner. Or, it could be a predator using love bombing tactics as a trap.

So how do you know which one it is? On this week's episode I have 3 ways to help you tell.  Take a listen and if you like what you hear, please share with a friend so we can spread the word.

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Communication. This topic might be the #1 thing I'm asked about by clients as a high-conflict divorce coach.

And as I dig deeper on the things that clients find the most challenging when it comes to communication, it all seems to break down into two main goals: (1) decreasing their reactivity to toxic communication from their co-parent and (2) learning how to craft effective communication that doesn't contribute to the conflict. 

Achieving these goals is relatively straight forward although not always easy.

Step 1 is understanding exactly who you're dealing with (i.e. what makes them tick).

I had someone ask me a while back, ‘Sheryl, if you knew what you know now, would you still have gone through your divorce?’

I’ve been asked many versions of this question before, but I liked this one because it got me thinking about what I’ve learned. And when I learn stuff, I love sharing it with you.

When I reflected on the question, this is what I concluded: despite all the challenges (and there are many), my answer was an unequivocal yes. That said, if I had to do it all over again, t...

We're at #7 this week on our Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast Listener's Choice Countdown!

Do you ever find yourself spinning your wheels not being able to figure out where to start on your journey to being a healthy mom after divorce?

Maybe looking after your health is just not happening. Or your co-parent is filling your kids' heads with lies about you. Or perhaps you find yourself coveting non-divorced families.

Don't worry... I did too. It's very natural... but it's also entirely useless and a giant waste of energy.

On the...

Welcome back to the Healthy Mom After Divorce Listener's Choice Countdown! We are #8 this week.

On this episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I share 3 hard truths about co-parenting, tell you why I'm so selective of the tv shows and movies I watch and talk about just how much is in our control to shape our kids' lives even if they're only with us half the time.

Find the full transcript at healthymomafterdivorce.com/33.

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Book a free 45-min Discovery Call
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We're at #9 this week on the Healthy Mom After Divorce Listener's Choice Countdown for season 1!

The smear campaign…

Anyone who is going through or has been through a high-conflict divorce knows exactly what this is. A high-conflict ex is going around spreading lies about you to anyone who will listen in order to (unfairly) paint you as the villain.

And maybe it isn’t just them. Maybe they even have their family or new partner doing it too.

When this happens, I know how hard it can be. The anger and the...

Protecting vs. preparing. What's your instinct when it comes to your kids?

If you're like me, your instinct is to try and protect your kids from all of life's hardships, especially when it comes to their parent's divorce.

They're grappling with two, homes, conflict between their parents, shuttling back and forth, missing those they love, confusion, feelings of responsibility for things they don't control...

Our kids face a lot. And we'd like to be able to protect them from all of it, but of course we know that isn't possible. But even if...

Welcome back to the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast Listener's Choice Countdown for season 1 where I'm counting down the top 12 episodes from the first season of the podcast.

Last week, we started with #12 on our list, an episode from July 19, 2022 called ‘My Hardest Post-Divorce Lesson’.  

This week, we move on to #11 on our list. 

This episode, first released last summer on August 23, 2022, is about something I think we all struggle with. 

Missing special days with our kids is very painful, so much so that we often cannot imagine what our lives even lo...

Welcome to the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast Listener's Choice Countdown for season 1 where I'm counting down the top 12 episodes from the first season of the podcast.

First up this week at #12 is episode 5 from July 19, 2022 simply called 'My Hardest Post-Divorce Lesson'.

We are starting with a really good one because this is one of the hardest lessons for all of us: we do not control anyone other than ourselves (yes, that includes your impossible co-parent).

Tough pill to swallow, I know, especially when they're doing things so clearly not in your children's...

Find the full transcript at healthymomafterdivorce.com/40.

It's tax time! Well, in Canada at least...

Question... do you know the answers to these questions?

If you're not sure, that's ok. I don't either.

But there are people that do... and you need to talk to them.<...

Have you spent time reflecting on what happened during your relationship?

I'm don't mean reliving all the painful moments. I mean spending time thinking about the dynamics of an abusive relationship, how an abuser operates and what made you susceptible to it in the first place.

The more you understand what happened during your relationship (when you were confused and lost), the more you will be prepared and able to predict what's coming your way through the divorce process in the form of post-separation abuse.

Last week I talked about identifying an abuser...

Lots of gifts, fancy dates, all-day texting, long conversations about being about 'soul mates', talking about moving in together on date 3, the relationship going at Mach-speed... It can feel amazing to connect so quickly with someone you're dating.

And although these things may be signs you two of you are head-over-heels for one another and are meant to be, it's also possible they're early indicators of a narcissitic abuser or coercive controller.

But how do you know for sure?

On this 38th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk about...

“But how can he do this to the kids? It just doesn’t make sense?”

Sound familiar? It’s ok, we’ve all been there.

On this 37th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I explain the cognitive bias called the Just-World Fallacy, why we have it and what we can do to free ourselves from its grips and move forward with our lives, even when the world doesn’t make sense.

00:00 – Intro
03:50 – What is the Just-World Fallacy?
06:10 – Why is it a problem?
07:13 – What strategies do we use to deal with it?

On this 36th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I offer my thoughts on how to tell if someone is a safe person for you to share information about your abusive relationship and high-conflict divorce with, discuss 5 of the most common responses survivors hear when they do open up and provide some new perspectives to survivors and potential supporters alike.

Find the full transcript at healthymomafterdivorce.com/36.

00:00 – Intro
04:18 – Step 1: Start from this assumption.
05:41 – Step 2: How to tell if the person is safe for you
07:09 – Step 3: What to listen for to keep you...

Transition days. They're challenging for kids and parents alike and often, transition days bring about terrible anxiety and dread.

So on this 35th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk about 3 areas that you can focus on to make transition days a little bit easier on you and your kids and I share a few tools that are tangible, manageable and most importantly, within your control.

Find the full transcript at healthymomafterdivorce.com/35.

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On this 34th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, which is also part 3 of 3 in this series, I share 3 hard truths about acceptance and healing, why being the villain in your story might actually be a compliment and a tool I use for managing self-criticism.

Find the transcript at healthymomafterdivorce.com/34.

Download my free guide
Book a free 45-min Discovery Call
Follow me on TikTok, IG, FB & LinkedIn

On this episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I share 3 hard truths about co-parenting, tell you why I'm so selective of the tv shows and movies I watch and talk about just how much is in our control to shape our kids' lives even if they're only with us half the time.

Find the full transcript for this episode at healthymomafterdivorce.com/33.

Download my free guide
Book a free 45-min Discovery Call
Follow me on TikTok, IG, FB & LinkedIn

Have you radically accepted the divorce reality you live in with your high-conflict co-parent?

It’s not an easy thing to do but it is crucial to your ability to survive this period of your life.

On this 32nd episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, which is also part 1 of 3 in this series, I share 3 hard truths about the post-separation abuse, discuss radical acceptance (I mean, what does that even mean?) and share my favourite tool to help you manage your reactivity to your high-conflict co-parent’s post-separation abuse tactics.

You can...

The smear campaign…

Anyone who is going through or has been through a high-conflict divorce knows exactly what this is. A high-conflict ex is going around spreading lies about you to anyone who will listen in order to (unfairly) paint you as the villain.

And maybe it isn’t just them. Maybe they even have their family or new partner doing it too.

When this happens, I know how hard it can be. The anger and the hurt at the sheer injustice of it all can be debilitating and all consuming.

On t...

We've all grown up with certain ideas about abuse and what we think it looks like.

If I ask you to picture what an abuser looks like, what comes to mind? How do they behave? What do they do for work?

And although some abusers may fit the description you thought of, most will not. So how do we know what is abuse and what isn't?

In this 30th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I go over 5 common misconceptions about abuse, explain the classic DARVO technique that abusers use to...

Communicating with your high-conflict co-parent is not easy. And never will be.

When you think of ways to try and improve it, do they all sound like a list of things your ex could do?

You’re likely not wrong – but you’re spinning your wheels.

On this 29th episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk about how to get your high-conflict co-parent to communicate civilly, building healthy systems to protect your mental health and why eating chicken nuggets multiple times per week is not your kids’ worse case scenario.

When you and your kids are subjected to post-separation abuse by a high conflict co-parent, it's so easy to internalize their behaviour.

When your kids come home with stories of their father's rage, anger, erratic behaviour and abuse, its easy for them to think it's because of something they did.

"I talked back, Mom. That's why dad threw out my favourite shirt."
"I took the iPad without asking, Mom. That's why dad threw it across the room."
"I got into a fight at school, Mom. That's why dad called me such a bad...

Post-separation abuse affects many parts of mom’s life but one that is often overlooked is the impact on her job.

She could be getting constant harassing phone calls or text messages while at work. Maybe she has to leave early or show up late to accommodate unpredictable behaviour by her co-parent.

She may have to take time off to prepare legal materials and attend Court. Or he may even be waiting for her outside her workplace to engage her after she leaves.

On this episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I...

One of the most common misconceptions is that once a victim leaves an abusive relationship, the abuse stops.

Unfortunately, that could not be further from the truth.

In fact, immediately after separation, the abuse often gets worse. Much worse. But even after that initial uptick, the abuse often continues for years especially if the victim has to co-parent with their abuser.

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. If someone was abused in their marriage, odds are they will be subject to abuse post-separation.

But how do you know...

It's the holiday season!

I don't know about you but I love this time of year. There's the social events, the concerts and shows, the family time, the twinkly lights, the giving of gifts... It's one of my favourite seasons.

But if you're co-parenting with a high-conflict person, this time of year can also bring additional challenges. There may even be times you dread this time of year because of the conflict that exists between you.

I get it. And your co-parent will behave how they will behave. But I am here to...

High-conflict divorce + high-conflict co-parenting = a very tricky situation.

Whether you’re about to embark on your divorce journey, are right in the thick of it or have settled in to post-divorce co-parenting life, this episode has got something for you.

Having a relationship with a person like this presents a whole new set of challenges that only someone who has lived it will understand. And I don’t mean just the romantic part. Your relationship with this person will change and evolve but when you are co-parents, it will always exist in some form or anot...

Remember the good ol’ days?

You know… the times in your marriage that were positive and brought you joy and happy memories. The times when life was good.

And the same times that make you doubt your decision to ever get divorced in the first place.

But wait… what about the other memories? The ones that have the pain, the sadness, the loneliness, the fear. 

Where are those when you’re reminiscing about your married life?

On this 23rd episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk about gen...

You and your kids are sitting there watching a movie and the main character is in the middle of a conflict. They are working their way out of it in the worst of ways. Totally face-palm worthy.

As painful as that is to watch, from your comfy position on the couch you know what the better way to deal with the issue would have been.

And this, healthy mama, is your superpower.

On this 22nd episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk about the media our kids consume, the great...

If you’re like me, when you became a mom, it became a defining moment for you. Everything changed and you have never been the same.

You are proud of being a mom and would do anything for your kids. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, you are a mom.

Then stuff hit the fan and you got divorced. You’ve hit the reset button and split everything up, including parenting time.

In one fell swoop, you went from full-time parent to part-time parent. Problem is, no one told your full-time mom instinct. And...

Find the full transcript here.

Karma.

We all know what this is and it often comes to mind when someone has wronged us.

To balance the scales of justice, we hope that the universe delivers to them what we think they have coming. And we think that we'll feel better once it does.

But I challenge you to think again.

On this episode of the Healthy Mom After Divorce Podcast, I talk about why we find 'comfort' in karma, why its fool's gold when it comes to our healing...

Find the full transcript at healthymomafterdivorce.com/19.

You’re getting a divorce.

Crap.

You never thought you’d be here. You never expected this. This new reality is filled with unknowns, fear, shame and conflict.

Your kids are in pain and confused. Friends are picking sides.

Family doesn’t know what to do to help. The bills are piling up.

School moms are whispering. Your ex is smearing your name.

You are angry, scared and fumbling your way through one of the most challenging situations someon...

Find the full transcript at healthymomafterdivorce.com/18.

I love to read.

For many years, fiction was always my first choice. But, after my divorce, everything changed.

My life had been flipped on its head and I felt so out of control. And as the days and weeks and months dragged on and the conflict worsened, I found myself increasingly lost and searching for answers.

What was happening to my family and why couldn’t I make it better?

So, I turned to the bookshelf.

These days, I ha...

Find the full transcript at www.healthymomafterdivorce.com/17.

Life always feels to short to fit it all in, doesn't it? There's so many things we want to do and experience before we leave this planet.
 
And once we have kids, a whole new world of exciting things to experience opens up for us . But we know they won't be kids forever so we try to do as much as we can in the time we have.  

But throw divorce and shared parenting into the mix and now the pressure is really on to ma...

Find the full transcript for this episode at healthymomafterdivorce.com/16.

Do you ever find yourself spinning your wheels not being able to figure out where to start on your journey to being a healthy mom after divorce?

Maybe looking after your health is just not happening. Or your co-parent is filling your kids' heads with lies about you. Or perhaps you find yourself coveting non-divorced families.

Don't worry... I did too. It's very natural... but entirely useless and a giant waste of energy.

On the latest episode of the Healthy Mom...

Find the full transcript for the episode at www.healthymomafterdivorce.com/15.

Click here to watch the TikTok video I reference in the episode.

We are all very familiar with the feeling of guilt. And when it comes to our kids and being a mom, that feeling can be exponentially worse.

As a divorced mom, you constantly strive to put your kids first and act in their best interests. But sometimes you miss the mark (that's ok - me too).

So when that...