Heretics' Social Club

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Did you guys know that it's impossible to survive inside of a whale for much more than a few minutes? Yeah, apparently there's just not enough room in there to build a fire which doesn't make sense to me because I've seen Pinocchio and there was definitely enough room in there for a Full size human, and a puppet, and I think Cleo was even there, but I can't be sure. I'll tell you one thing. If you're gonna be in the belly of a whale, you're going to want to bring a...

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Hi folks. It's Jason. I bet you're wondering where Shauncey is, and to be honest, so am I. I would absolutely love to feel like this entire podcast wasn't resting directly on my back, but if there's one thing I know I can do, it's carry a load. This episode brought to you by Big Math: Making numbers fun since 2001. Enjoy.

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Have you ever wished you could be in a room with men (just men) voting on the next in line to be god's boy wonder? Did you realize that if you've been baptized and are a man younger than 80, you could be pope (sorry, ladies)? Do you like butchered Latin phrases? Come with us today as we boldly go (come get me, nerds) one more episode with a Shauncey void, but filled to the brim with our good friend, Ryan Eaton. Anything you've ever wanted to know about Michelle Trachtenberg is in this...

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Follow us down the rabbit hole of traditions and bullshit that predated Jesus. Yes, there were things that came before him and no, he does not lay eggs. We will tell you where the bunny/egg lore comes from and sadly, it isn't Jesus' cloaca. We're joined by magical mystery guest, Michael Bishop this week, who brings along the lore of Spanish eggs (not huevos). Won't you join us, friends?

Faux/Fox:

https://fauxfoxfl.bandcamp.com/album/twin-killers

Pioneers! O Pioneers!:

https...

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Do you like the word moist? Do you love making other people moist? After you do that, do you stick an egg in a fountain and and hop over a mattress full of babies? If I had a nickel for every time I cleared a greased pole on the first try, I would have enough money to make my omelet fountain dreams a reality. If you'd like in on this venture at the ground floor, the answers you seek are inside. Won't you join us, friends?

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After the rapture comes tears, baby. That's right tribbers. Pre, Mid, Post. It doesn't frickin' matter when the lord returns as long as he comes at some point, am I right? I mean it's rude to leave someone waiting for you to come. Come or don't, but quit trying to rub it in our face. In the end though, it's all innuendo. If you don't accept the second coming of Christ, you either have to be so lean, you cease to be, or stick your head in the guillotine. Speaking of guillotines and...

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Time is a flat circle, kinda like a laserdisc, but not as irrelevant. Today we explore the final chapters of the Revelation of John on the Island of Patmos. Angels cc  John on everything happening in heaven, Jason discovers his new "grown-up" voice, and Shauncey is a sober man, but not a doberman because he may be a big dawg, he's not a literal dog. Won't you join us friends?

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This week we peel back the layers on John's onion of revelation, and get to the swampy bits. Sometimes cutting an onion makes you cry, and sometime it's because one of the guys breaks into a hymn that harkens you right back to yesteryear. I wish somebody would hark in my yester year if ya know what i'm saying? Won't you join us, friend?

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We're well into the swing of things when it comes to the end of the world. The President is a lunatic. The Tik is Tok. Jason is 42. We don't know what the hell is going on in the modern world, but in the bible world we're knee deep in seals, trumpets, and horses. So many tongues. So few appendages. And I saw as it were, a seal riding a horse, and hell with seven horns followed with it. Honk. Honk. Honk. Ork Ork. Won't you join us, friend?

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There's no "s" on the end of The Book of Revelation, but there is one on the end of Fuckin' Fascists. Happy Inauguration Day to all who celebrate the end. Speaking of the end, we're at the end of the B-I-B-L-E, but not the podcast, so enjoy part 2 of Revelation, and stay tuned for more apocalyptic calamity in the U.S.A., as well as on the podcast. Won't you join us, friends?

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Well folks, looks like this is the end. Technically it's the beginning... of our series on the end... which if you look at it from a christian viewpoint, is actually the end of the physical world, but the beginning of the longer lasting eternal spiritual world where we shall keep company with the hosts of the heavens which is basically primate chatter for "I'm going up into the stars like Mufasa when I die!" Sure thing, Grandma. Whatever. Now let's get you to the rapture, or we'll never get to heaven! Won't you...

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They say Jesus was born in a stable out behind a hotel, but imagine being the innkeeper who told a pregnant lady on the verge of delivery ON CHRISTMAS EVE that the only spot available for all that business was out with the fucking donkeys. Holy shit. Next thing you know there's a bunch of wise men with gifts knocking on the door. A kid with a drum. Someone who keeps asking Mary if she knew that her baby boy would grow up to be a king. You just gotta keep pointing them...

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Today we're diving into the Bastard Books of the Bible! The books that although they did not ask to be written, were written anyway. They were told their whole lives that they were holy books, but ultimately were not included in the big Family bible we all know and hate. Wait. Am I an Apocryphal book? I think I might be. Hell, you might be too. Let's find out together! Won't you join us, friends?

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Season 5 is Alive! After three weeks in the grave, We Is Risen! As you know, one of our favorite parts of breaking down Bible stories is when you get to see glimpses of the humanity expressed by God's chosen ones. So we thought, what if we brought our same calloused irreverent views on the Bible over to the Koran. Would it be well received? Would we be hunted down like filthy dogs? Well, seeing as there is an entire section of the holy book dedicated to not hanging around after a dinner party...

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Our favorite wife sits in with us for spooky season, and doesn't disappoint with the zingers. We talk about rolling down a hill in a barrel filled with glass, burning half to death before they chop your head off, and plenty more spooky ways to die. 101 Diocletians & Cruella ways to die. Won't you join us, friend?

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Paul continues his domination of the New Testament with his most evangelical work yet. The Book of Romans has 9,447 words, and not one of them is feminist leaning. Paul wrote the book of Romans to explain the salvation process because apparently Jesus hadn't done a good enough job of explaining that during his ministry. Don't worry Jesus, Paul is here to fix all the ways you leveled out the playing field. Enjoy this Pauline Prose until we're back to it in a couple of weeks for our halloween epsiode with Chloe Fury!

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The Corinthians live on the shore in Greece. The kids call it the Greasy Shore, and MTV is doing a reality show there, but Pauly isn't very happy about the way Ron talks to the ladies at Bed after Sam left because she wasn't feeling very well, so you know he just HHHAAADDD to write a letter. There's mad drama down on the Grecian Shore! Won't you join us, friends?

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Paul uses his divining rod to find how best to achieve divination on one's rod. We cut straight to the point as Paul jumps from circumcision to castration in a single verse. Give some people an inch, and they take a mile. These beliefs just won't cut it in today's world. As we briskly head into foreshadowed (& fore-skinned) territory, won't you join us friends? 

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"Pauline, Pauline, Pauline, Paaaauuullliiiineeee, I'm begging of you please don't write my man." - Every woman; c. 60-61 ad Trust me, you do NOT want your man hanging out with Paul. Paul is like that guy who talks your dude into staying out all night at the club knowing good and damn well y'all had plans to clean out the garage and get to the Flea Market early enough to get a good table. Giiiiirrrll, keep your man away from Paul. Truuuuuust meeeeeeee! Won't you join us, friends?

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Hey there Heathens, hope you've got your sweet teeth on because we're about to sink ours into some of Paul's sweetest treats for Christian Men! Fellas, have you ever been practicing your faith, minding your own business when all the jibber jabber from the fairer sex makes you lose your concentration on the teachings of brainwashery? Look no further than the writings of Paul. He's got all the best comebacks and disses for you to talk shit with bible verse references. Or you could not hide behind the words of a woman hating...

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Imagine this. Your name is Saul. You're on your way to a dumb ass kiss or something, when BOOM! God turns on the fluorescents and Jesus says "Whatcha doin' in mah waters?" Next thing you know, there are scales falling out of your eyeballs. You told everyone your name was Saul, but it was loud, and everyone thought you said Paul. Now people are calling you that, and you don't want to be rude by correcting them. Next thing you know, you're writing letters to some dudes telling them not to let their...

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Well, it was inevitable. We always knew this day would come. Today we're talking about Islam, but before you get mad at us, just know that it's mostly a True-Crime episode. We go over the "ministry" of Saeed Hanaei of Mashad, Iran. A bold man who decided to take it upon himself to eradicate his city of opportunities to sin. Did he build a university to educate the women committing these acts? Maybe he started a group home to allow them the safety to exist without the looming threats forcing them into sex...

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The Mormons have been on our radar for a solid minute, most of our lives to be honest. What is it about those pasty white boys, and their multiple wives? Is it the secret underwear? Is it the special gold plates that only Joseph Smith could read? Is it the indentured servitude of all young men to go, and spread the message to the masses? Is Cain of the Cain and Abel story still alive, and masquerading as Bigfoot in the Americas? All these questions and more will be answered. Keep in mind...

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'Cause we ain't working here no more. By "working" we mean talking about; and by "here" of course we're referring to the Book of Job! This pile of reasons to worship god is flimsier than the competitors brand on a paper towel commercial. Job gets "comforted" by some of the worst chuckleheads on earth, and above. Tune in to hear the exciting conclusion of our series on Job: Curse God & Die which includes not one, but two exciting monologues performed simultaneously by increasingly louder voices as we shout over one another to be...

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Hey there gang! We're getting into the good parts of the story of Job. You know, the part where he starts scraping his skin off with a piece of old pottery his wife threw at him when she was telling him to curse god, and die. It's pretty much his prized possession at this point. Like that part in The Jerk, where Steve Martin just starts grabbing trash, and saying, "it's just me and this broken piece of leprosy covered pottery my wife threw at me, and this thermos." We do a play...

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It's our 50th episode, and we want to wish a Happy Mother's Day to all who celebrate! Speaking of mom's, everyone knows the only way to truly know if a person is loyal to you is to completely eradicate of all forms of happiness that they have experienced. You're going to want them sitting in a pile of ash, and screaming their lamentations out loud while also scraping their skin off with pottery. Only then can you be sure that you've got real friends. God sure did a lot of boneheaded stuff for...

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Welcome back to Sunday school kids. Sister Wilburn is still out with the flu, so Brother Jason is gonna tell you little fuckers all about the legend of Job. Hope you've got your loins girded, because we're about to shiver your timbers, and test your faith. Say your prayers little Job, don't forget my son to include everyone, I'll bet your wife, and your life, that you won't turn and runnnnnn.. Sheep with one eye open, burning in fields at night! Won't You Join Us, Friend? 

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In this episode, we'll explore the Great Mysteries surrounding the (love) life and (elderly) death of everyone's favorite Son of G.O.D., I'm taking about ol' J to the C. Yeah, you know He! What you might not know is that He was keepin' it on the down low, bein' bad at the pad, wearing nothing but linen, 'bout to do some sinnin'. "Jesus, where are you taking me?" Somewhere we don't need women. Won't you join us, friends?

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Look, just because a bunch of dudes in chest armor and cheerleader skirts nailed you to a tree on Friday, doesn't mean you can't still get up with your boys on Sunday! Roll that boulder, and grab a rolling rock with your Peter, and start building that church on the rock! Speaking of rock, we're joined for this quiz show episode by Blake Jones who is a rocker through and through. Van Halen, not Van Hagar. You know what I'm saying? Let's get drunk on Cadbury, and Reese's Eggs.

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In the Season 4 Premiere of Heretics' Social Club, we wish a Happy St. Patrick's Day to all who celebrate the colonial erasure of the indigenous Irish druids who once inhabited the Emerald Isle. Yet another "Hallmark Holiday" created by the folks who want Earth devoid of any cultural ceremony that doesn't celebrate the imaginary friendship between humanity and White Jesus. After that, someone pinch me, because either I'm dreaming, or we're finally gonna dip our toes into the technicolor dreampool. Don't be fooled by the coat that he's got, he's still, he's still...

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Hey, before we start this SEASON FINALE, let me ask you all a question.
Y'all ever wish you were part of a gang of unruly youfs roaming the streets smoking lots of cigarettes while doing fun felonies like graffiti, and petty theft? Consider Enthusiastic Sobriety. It's a new super fun cool way to stay off drugs by engaging in various forms of drug related behavior, BUT WITHOUT DRUGS! Whaaaat? You mean I can act like a completely insane human being totally zonked off bing bongs as ling long as I don't get...

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This week we investigate the final section of John's Gospel wherein the Christ is Crucified for OUR SINS! That's right, we did this, and it's all our fault. God knew that one day we'd all be little heathens, so he sent himself to die for us to protect us from himself! Now let's go masturbate in the shower with half a bottle of nice shampoo like we did when we were middle schoolers so that Jesus won't have died for no reason! Won't you join us, friends?

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This week we start off the meal with a little bit of Four Loko lore, crack open some whippets, then we'll have to pry Jesus off the couch to go dig up ol' Lazarus who everyone though had wayyyyy too many drinks, but turned out to just be dead. Oopsie! (Quick parenthetical to say that it's good to put information that offers context but doesn't necessarily add to the story in a set of parenthesis to avoid confusion) Make sure to check back next episode when we try to figure out if Jesus...

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Ope, that's my bad. I got Epstein island mixed up with Patmos. Anyway, we're back in the Gospel of John to make a few revelations about what Jesus was up to when he was out slinging red words for y'all to ignore. There's a bit where someone is trying to get stoned, but Jesus keeps drawing lines in the sand or something or another. I zone out a lot during the episodes if I'm being honest. I got that ADHD brain. Like that part in Airheads where the guy is just pretending to...

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Ho Ho Ho Heretics, Welcome back to the Club! Hope you're having a Social time with your religious family this Holiday season, and that they aren't driving you insane. If they are, take a second out of the chaos to pop in your new airbud pros, and give the ol' HSC a visit. We'll regale you with tales of failing health, while filling you in on the sketchy origins behind some of our most beloved Christmas songs. Pile in around the pagan tree, and join in a Yule celebration with your chosen family...

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You know The Baptist, The Evangel, The Apostle, The Revelator,
Who wrote John 1, and John 2 and John 3 & Revelations?
but do you recall...
the most famous John book of all? 
Johnny the Gospelator,
had some really whiny prose
and if you ever read it
you would probably say it blows.
All of the other gospels 
Told it in synoptic ways.
They never let poor Jesus
Go into an Early Rage!

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The Ghost of Thanksgiving Past, The Ghost of Thanksgiving Present, & The Ghost of Native American Remembrance Day Future Walk Into a Bar... Wait, that's not how it goes. I think the turkey, and the pilgrim were already in the bar??? Oh wait! Is this where the show Cheers comes from because it's in Massachusetts? I bet so. As it turns out, real-life American history is very similar to a situational-horror premise, or a sithor as they called it in the olden days, but it also sounds bit like a pejorative against standing sex...

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We're so fortunate to have everyone's favorite fortunate son back in the mix for our third look at the silliness encapsulated by the book of Luke. We've been chugging along through the gospels, and this book is done for....now. Who knows when we'll tip toe back into the book of Luke, but I do wish Luke would come talk with us more. We even talked about bringing back the Dotted Line from Podsacola. Would anyone be interested in hearing that movie mayhem again if we replaced Ryan Eaton with Lucas Fury? Might...

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Well Ghouls and Ghosts, It's our Halloween episode, which means that once again we have been revisited by the spirit of Halloween herself: OL' CHLOE FURY! That's right folks! Shauncey's wife is sitting in, so you know he'll be on his best behavior. The gang goes SCARE-o-ling, (That's when you go out with friends singing halloween songs on doorsteps for candy around the neighborhood. Please make that a thing.) Then Jason takes a moment to pause & reflect on a Shauncey harmonica solo so long that he almost started crying. It was a really...

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If our last episode left you with a "feat." fetish, fear not! Mr. Lucas Fury is back to help us Sunday School up you heathens. Shauncey starts with a quick weekend confession booth, Jason jazzes up  a few bible stories by peppering in some curse words, and there's even an old-school sing-a-long. We do our best to entertain, and delight while making a ridiculous unhinged mess because "THAT'S THE POWER TEAM BABY!" Buckle up for the second part in our (APPARENTLY) three part series with ol' S.L.U.T.S.O.! 
Al...