Introduction

A phone buzzes on the nightstand. The betrayed partner’s chest tightens, their heart pounds, and suddenly they’re flooded with the same panic they felt on discovery day—even though it’s just a work notification. The betraying partner sees the fear in their eyes and feels crushing shame, which triggers their own defensive response: “It’s just my boss. Why are you always so paranoid?” Within seconds, both partners are drowning in pain neither intended to cause.

This article addresses the trigger-induced conflicts that derail recovery after infidelity—whether emotional affairs, physical betrayal, or com...

Introduction

You’ve made it thirty days without pornography. Maybe sixty. Perhaps you’ve even crossed the ninety-day threshold that so many recovery communities celebrate. Yet despite the streak on your counter app, something still feels wrong. The irritability hasn’t lifted. Your partner still seems distant, guarded. And that familiar pull toward acting out behaviors hasn’t disappeared—it’s just coiled tighter, waiting.

https://youtu.be/NexPQjSUkVc

This experience is far more common than most addicts realize. Many men find themselves trapped in what we call white knuckle sobriety: abstaining from pornography...

Introduction

Breaking a trauma bond is not about willpower or “just leaving”—it’s a neurological uncoupling process where your brain’s hijacked reward and attachment systems must be gradually rewired to diminish the intense emotional pull toward your abuser. Trauma bonds are a strong emotional attachment that forms through cycles of abuse and manipulation, making it difficult to recognize the unhealthy nature of the relationship. If you’ve ever wondered why you keep going back despite knowing better, the answer lies in your nervous system, not your character.

https://youtu.be/72__B95HvHk

This guide...

Introduction

Betrayal trauma bonding is the physiological and emotional attachment that forms to a partner who has shattered your reality through deliberate secrecy, gaslighting, and partial disclosures. This is not weakness. This is your nervous system responding exactly as it was designed to respond when someone essential to your survival becomes the source of your pain.

https://youtu.be/sMEvkKJK2G4

This content focuses specifically on betrayal trauma in the context of infidelity and sexual addiction—not general abusive relationships or narcissistic personality disorder dynamics, though overlap exists. If you’re past the init...

Safety Disclaimer

If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

Domestic violence is a life-threatening situation. The most dangerous time is often when you attempt to leave—75% of DV murders occur after the victim tries to separate from their abuser.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)

This resource is available 24/7 with trained advocates who understand trauma bonding and can help you create a safety plan. You are not weak for staying. Biology and psychology create powerful traps that make leaving extremely difficult.

Introduction

“I’m staying to kee...

If you feel “crazy” for missing someone who hurts you, or “addicted” to a person you know is harmful, you’re not broken. Your brain is responding exactly as it was designed to respond to a very specific pattern of abuse and affection. This is a biological survival response, not a character flaw or weakness.

A trauma bond is a powerful emotional attachment that forms between a victim and their abuser through repeated cycles of abuse followed by affection or relief, creating a psychological dependency that feels impossible to break.

Safety First: If you are in immedia...

Introduction

Betrayal trauma profoundly affects both brain function and physical health, extending well beyond emotional pain. When a trusted person—such as a romantic partner, family member, or close friend—violates your trust, your brain interprets this as a survival-level threat. This triggers neurobiological responses akin to those activated by physical danger, leading to intense feelings of hurt, anger, and devastation. Understanding these changes is essential for navigating recovery effectively.

https://youtu.be/y5ssPRmnkbM

This comprehensive guide explores the neurobiological mechanisms behind betrayal trauma, the physical symptoms arising from chronic stress, and evid...

Childhood trauma and adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) frequently manifest in adult life through patterns so subtle that many people never connect them to their early years. These hidden signs operate beneath conscious awareness, shaping relationships, health, and self-perception in ways that feel entirely normal to those experiencing them—until they recognize the pattern.

The prevalence of child childhood trauma is staggering, with millions of children worldwide experiencing adverse events each year. Many children who experience trauma suffer in silence, unable to articulate their pain or seek help from caregivers who may be unaware of the abuse or ne...

Introduction

Understanding and calming hypervigilance through grounding techniques for feeling safe involves learning specific strategies that help regulate your nervous system while maintaining necessary environmental awareness. This guide immediately addresses the importance of grounding techniques for feeling safe, ensuring you have practical tools to manage heightened states of alertness. When you’re stuck in a state of constant alertness, traditional relaxation methods often feel impossible or even dangerous, making specialized grounding approaches essential for finding relief.

The basics of grounding techniques involve simple, basic mental exercises that help manage anxiety, reduce negative thoughts, and refocus th...

“How couples argue and disagree about issues appears to be more consequential to the success of marriage than what they argue about or how often they experience conflicts.”

To reword the above quote taken from an article by Hanzal and Segrin in the Journal of Family Communication, you could simply say “how we fight has far more influence on the future of our marriage, than what we fight about”.

Therefore, our fighting style, or how we fight, really matters.

Conflict in marriage arises from differences in preferences, backgrounds, and values between partners. Conflict in marriage is...

Key Takeaways

https://youtu.be/NfJG...

Discovering that your partner might be struggling with sex addiction can feel overwhelming and frightening. You may be experiencing confusion, deep hurt, or uncertainty about your next steps. If you’re asking yourself, “Is my partner a sex addict?” this article is here to provide you with the understanding and clarity you deserve during this difficult time.

Sexual addiction, also known as compulsive sexual behavior or hypersexual disorder, is a complex mental health condition that affects many individuals and the people who love them. Recognizing the signs and understanding the true nature of sex addiction becomes a powerf...

Loving someone who is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA) is a journey many walk but few discuss openly. As the partner, you stand in a unique and often challenging place. You may feel confused by triggers, hurt by what feels like rejection, and helpless in your desire to connect with the person you love. The past trauma can feel like a third person in your marriage, impacting everything from sexual intimacy to everyday affection.

You are not alone in this. And more importantly, there is hope.

Healing is possible, not just for the...

For many performers, the voice can feel like a mystery. You practice the techniques, you know the music, but a persistent block, chronic tension, or crippling stage fright holds you back from your true potential. What if the root of that struggle isn’t in your technique, but in your history?

The body keeps a score of our experiences, and for a singer, whose very instrument is their body, the impact of past trauma can be profound. Unresolved trauma can manifest as physical “body armoring,” a deep sense of being unsafe on stage, and a destructive inner critic...

Key Takeaways

https://youtu.be/wvZFraXEKyQ

Asking yourself “how do I k...

Key Takeaways

If you’re struggling with pornography addiction, you’re not alone in wondering how long the road to recovery might be. The journey to break free from compulsive pornography use is deeply personal, but understanding what to expect can provide hope and direction during what may feel like an overwhelming time.

Recovery from porn addiction is absolutely possible with proper commitment, support, and professional guidance. While there’s no universal timeline that applies to everyone, research and clinical experience show that meaningful progress often begins within the first few months of treatment, with complete recovery typically unfolding over o...

What if I told you that the people who seem the most controlling are often the ones who feel the most out of control on the inside? This paradox is a profound truth frequently encountered in couple’s counseling. That constant need your spouse might have to check who you’re texting, manage your schedule, or question your spending—it’s almost never really about you. Instead, it’s a coping mechanism, a flawed attempt to manage a storm of anxiety, deep-seated fears, or even past trauma raging inside them. Understanding this distinction is crucial because the behaviors we label as c...

Disclosing an affair is one of the most critical and challenging conversations a husband can have with his wife. When mishandled, this revelation will certainly extend the healing process and possibly could mean the end of the marriage. However, for those who genuinely want to save their relationship and show as much care to their betrayed partner as possible, there are ways to approach this conversation with clarity, care, and respect.

Understanding what to tell your wife about your affair—and how to say it—can make all the difference in whether your marriage survives this...

Cultural scripts and traditional myths often oversimplify male desire, shrinking it into a single, physical dimension. But the reality is far more complex and beautiful. What if your understanding of male desire is only part of the picture?

Consider these real-life scenarios:

For centuries, female sexuality has been misunderstood, wrapped in myths that have been presented as truth. From assumptions that a woman’s sex drive diminishes after kids or is inherently lower than a man’s, to beliefs about what visually stimulates women, or that a “perfect body” is essential for great sex, these ideas often create unnecessary challenges in relationships. As licensed counselors, we’re here to take a deep dive into these common myths, looking at the latest research to help clarify and empower your understanding of female sexuality and relationship quality.

#1: The Myth of the Exp...

If you’ve ever found yourself caught in a frustrating cycle of trying to quit pornography—which can take many forms, including images, videos, and artwork—only to relapse days or weeks later, you’re not alone. Many people experience this pattern, often feeling like it’s a lack of willpower. In fact, many individuals are actually addicted and recognizing it as such is crucial for effective porn addiction recovery and relapse prevention.

This cycle is often accompanied by emotional and behavioral struggles that make breaking free even more difficult. Triggers, such as certain emotional states or environmen...

What if the struggles you face today are actually signs of childhood trauma you never knew you had? When we think of trauma, we often picture extreme events. But it’s possible that the persistent big emotions, the relentless perfectionism, or the constant people-pleasing you’ve experienced for years are actually signs of something deeper rooted in your past.

In this post, we’re going to uncover the hidden signs of childhood trauma that frequently manifest in adult life. These can include anxiety that never fades, the nagging feeling that you’re never good enough, or const...

Do you find yourself repeatedly involved with people who leave you feeling drained, confused, or questioning yourself? Have you ever wondered, “Why do I keep attracting toxic people?” If so, you’re not alone.

This question often places the blame squarely on your shoulders, leading to significant self-blame and shame, especially if you’ve been harmed repeatedly. But here’s the truth: It’s not just about who you passively attract. The real issue lies in how individuals with exploitative, manipulative, or abusive behaviors actively target specific vulnerabilities and even positive characteristics in others...

The discovery of a partner’s betrayal can instantly shatter your world, leaving you reeling with shock, disbelief, and profound pain. This isn’t an exaggeration; it’s a deep psychological impact that can trigger an “existential crisis,” questioning trust, shared reality, and even your own self-worth. This guide offers immediate, trauma-informed “lifelines” to help you navigate these overwhelming initial hours and days, focusing on self-preservation amidst the chaos.

Understanding the Initial Impact: Why You Feel This Way

Discovering a partner’s betrayal is widely recognized as a traumatic event. Concepts like Betrayal Trauma, developed...

Infidelity vs. Sex Addiction: Navigating Betrayal and Paths to Healing

When betrayal hits, the pain runs deep. It’s an experience that shatters trust and leaves individuals grappling with intense emotions and profound uncertainty. Understanding why it happened can be the first vital step toward healing. But sometimes a deeper question comes up: Is it infidelity, a heartbreaking breach of trust, or something more complex, like sex addiction? Today, we’re diving into one of the most misunderstood topics in relationships to help bring clarity to your situation.

As licensed counselors, we approach this...

In the intricate dance of life and relationships, the concept of boundaries often arises as a critical tool for maintaining balance and well-being. However, despite their importance, many people unknowingly approach boundary setting in ways that are counterproductive, manipulative, or even harmful to themselves and their relationships. As trained and licensed counselors, we frequently encounter individuals struggling with this very issue; feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, or trapped by dynamics they desire to change.

Our goal today is to demystify healthy boundaries and show you how to implement them effectively. There are two primary...

Have you ever felt constantly on edge? Like no matter how much you try to relax, your body just won’t let you? Maybe you struggle with sleep, feel disconnected from others as you go through daily life, or find yourself reacting to situations in a way that surprises you.

It’s just kind of not you. And the worst part is, you don’t really know why.

Today we’re breaking down what PTSD looks like. We’ll discuss how it can show up in your daily life and the twelve leading signs that...

Have you ever had a conversation with your spouse where you just couldn’t get through to them? You’re trying to explain something, but they’re either not listening or completely misunderstanding you. Or maybe a small miscommunication turned into a bigger argument, leaving you wondering, “What just happened?”

Here, we break down the five key fundamentals that make marriage communication strong, clear, and full of love. We talk about how to truly understand each other, create a safe space for honest conversations, and build deeper trust in your relationship.

We also give you a...

Welcome Back: Where We’ve Been and What’s Next for the Podcast

In our 280th episode, we provide an update after a five-year hiatus!

We discuss our personal experiences, including burnout, career changes, and coping with the pandemic. The episode covers the transition from our old OnlyYouForever brand to the new Therapevo Counselling brand, highlighting the expanded focus on diverse counseling topics and services. We also touch on rebranding the podcast to ‘Normalize therapy.’ and adding a new YouTube channel. We talk about upcoming content and plans to expand our social media presence and blogging...

We’re here to talk

There’s a level of control that occurs in relatively few marriages that we would see as part of an abusive power and control dynamic. But then there’s a lower level of control that doesn’t come from an abusive spouse that can still be frustrating and lead to conflict in the marriage.

We’ve talked about the abusive kind of control before, so if you want to learn more about that kind of control feel free to go back to our previous episodes of the podcast to learn more...

This is a subject we’ve wanted to address for some time. We see some irony in the work we do with couples or individuals when it comes to abuse. Often, though not always, people who are in a relationship with a truly abusive person do not realize it. On the other hand, couples who are in high conflict often label the other person as abusive when they are not really an abusive person, although they may relate to abusive tactics from time to time. So, the ‘abuse’ word gets abused sometimes. And other times, when it should be used...

How do I know if I can trust my spouse again? This question represents one of the most profound dilemmas a betrayed spouse will struggle with as they journey towards healing after a significant betrayal. How do I know I’m not going to get hurt again? How do I know I’m not just being a fool to trust him or her? Trust is so easy to break and so hard to build: today we’d like to give you more insight into the dynamics at play in this important struggle.

Before we talk about...

We talked a lot about the 4 predominant styles of attachment in episodes 251 to 254. Attachment is basically the science of love, and in the marriage counseling world, it’s one of the core issues that we’re interested in working on when we are looking at how spouses are relating to one another. As we discussed in previous episodes, there are four styles of attachment, and the best style is called secure attachment. In this episode, we’re going to talk about the five pillars of secure attachment that make up that style of relating to others. 

Today we are going to take a compassionate and sensitive look at the “why” of infidelity. We believe that infidelity is a choice, and, from our own moral perspective, it is wrong, but at the same time when it comes to making sense of infidelity as part of rebuilding a marriage, further examination reveals a lot of complexity and many sensitive topics. 

Infidelity Looks Different for Different People

Infidelity is more common than we might think. A 1994 study showed that nearly a quarter of all men and fifteen percent of women engage in sex o...

Did you know that the research shows that marriage takes a hit when you have kids? One author reported in 2005 that an analysis of 90 different research studies showed the drop in marital satisfaction is a shocking 42% larger among the current generation than their predecessors. A more recent study from 2016 showed that 67% of couples reported a decline in relationship happiness for up to three years after the birth of their first child.[1] Those figures are reported in non-pandemic situations.  

Clearly, parenting does impact marriage for most of us, and parenting during a pandemic presents additional challenges. We...

Reasonably often, we get inquiries from a wife whose husband is addicted to pornography and he won’t do anything about it. In this article we want to help you prepare for that first serious confrontation where you have a very deliberate conversation about this problem and how it is impacting you as his wife.

Understanding Denial

It’s almost inevitable that you are going to run into some level of denial in a conversation like this, so let’s begin by talking about denial. It would be easy to run into this and th...

Well, we live in unprecedented times as many of us are adjusting to a global crisis. We are recording this episode in the middle of the 2020 Coronavirus pandemic, with some of our listeners in cities in full lock-down and others nervously awaiting the community spread of this disease. Certainly, it has created considerable stress and new issues to negotiate. Today, we’d like to help you understand how these kinds of crises impact marriage, but more importantly, how your marriage can help you buffer the storm. 

How Coronavirus (Or Any Crisis) Affects Marriage

We...

While the disclosure of infidelity is never going to be a happy experience for either the betrayer or the betrayed spouse, you need to know that there are helpful and unhelpful ways to go about it. And the unhelpful ways can make a difficult experience especially damaging for the betrayed spouse. Today, we want to talk about some of the key things you should discuss and the reactions you should be prepared for when disclosing infidelity of any kind.

The Value of Disclosure

It’s very easy to come to a topic like di...

If you are trying to break a pornography addiction, one of the best things you can do is to find a group that you can join in addition to doing individual counselling. Fortunately, there are a number of great options out there to choose from depending on what is available in your area or whether or not you are looking for something that fits with your faith/beliefs or your goals for sobriety. Today, we are looking at 6 of the largest groups available so that you can make a choice about what might work best for your situation.