Prime Cuts

Alright so you've got two guys. One of them is an evil clone controlled by your arch rival. You can't tell which is which. So how do you solve it? Do you A) Question the clones separately based on knowledge only the original would have access to? or B) Have a race and shoot at a rock? The answer may surprise you! This datatrack includes discussion of the following topics; Soundwave's Secret Sons, Megatron's unhealthy obsession with Spike, Starscream's clonelust, Powerglide (who has been here the whole time), mind control (but its ok because the good guys are doing...

TORQ, generate picture of sexy female robot ninja, purple and black with yellow eyes, sleek silhouette, lots of knives, badass ninja skills, and huge [REDACTED]. This datatrack contains discussion of the following topics; Day of the Machines hitting too close to home, TORQ's battlebots rejects, Skyfire's continuing Busification, smart doorknobs, Doctor Fujiyama (the famous scientist), Nightbird's REAL function, gay coding, Jazz' ninja movie phase, and the question of Nightbird's sentience.

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It's ramping up. You may have thought that all of our talk about G1 season 2 being completely cracked was exaggerated. Well now Atlantis has been introduced and destroyed in the same episode. It's also not Atlantis. Worry not, because things only escalate from here. This datatrack contains discussion of the following; AKOM studios dubious reputation, Cybertronian furniture kink, The Device, Spike's invulnerability, national monuments, not-Atlantis, Brawn killing Huffer, and does it still count as found family if you steal them?

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Is Cliffjumper ok? No. Is it funny that he becomes utterly convinced Mirage is a traitor because he missed one report? Yes. This week we're talking about a couple of fairly iconic episodes. 'Traitor' gave G1 Mirage a bit of ambiguous loyalty that future versions of the character would love to tease, but never fully develop. Meanwhile 'The Immobilizer' is the first of many 'Wheeljack's invention nearly kills everyone' episodes, if you don't count the Dinobots. The following topics are discussed within the following datatrack transmission; killer Among Us strats, Megatron's continually deteriorating plans, Rumble's tiny baby hands, Carly's...

Dan from Pod of Greed joins us to talk about two more helpings of good ol' G1 insanity. The Decepticons take over New York by building a city underneath it, and dismember Optimus in some highly confusing ways in order to help their dastardly plan along. Then, using extremely vague technology, Megatron turns a bunch of Autobots into huge jerks, and only the usage of different extremely vague technology can save them. Contained within this datatrack are discussions of the following; Reagan-era TV laws, sewer gators, skyscrapers with STDs, robogore, surgically applied lightsabers, questions about what Bluestreak's deal even...

After a year of back to back viewings of the absolute dregs of this franchise, your intrepid hosts have finally returned to where it all began. The original Transformers cartoon came onto the scene with some big swings in season one, but season two is where the madness really starts. Events discussed within this data transmission include; Frankenstein, dubiously certified doctors, Wheeljack's many crimes, Gears exploring subspace, Huffer getting fired for HR violations, Cliffjumper's thirst for violence, and the amount of cocaine that was fueling the writer's room.

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After slogging through perhaps the worst stretch of televised Transformers media there is, your hosts are run ragged. After months of horrible animation, garbled voice acting, braindead plotting, baffling writing, and boring action, we require an extra long break to recover...but when we return, we will be bringing with us Peak Transformers, the ultimate television experience, a cavalcade of light and sound sure to bewilder the senses and tickle the mind. What is it you may ask? Well, maybe you should listen and find out...

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What if God was your dead wife? What if your boat learned how to be a man on the internet? What if your Dead God Wife forgave you for being a huge asshole after obliterating an evil future version of you who was an even bigger asshole? What if Cog was the most important guy in the world? What if you could make a big hole? What if you were smooth and purple? What if all of this is just a bad dream? That would be nice, wouldn't it?

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Okay so what if God was a cube, right? And then you threw God into space because you were a big huge idiot, and God fell onto a weird dirt planet and started making the Fade from Dragon Age. And then when you went to go find God because throwing God into space really fucked everything up, God was your wife, who is probably dead though you don't actually know, and your God-Wife started beating the shit out of you, but then died again. Would that be weird? I think that would be weird.

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Hhhhooooooooo boy where to begin with War For Cybertron Kingdom. Is it better than Earthrise? Absolutely. Is it better than Siege? Debatable. Is it good? Absolutely not. In just two episodes,, this show hits us with the most baffling vocal performances yet, a slew of new old characters to ruin, time travel, even more Airazor disrespect, character arc sparknotes so sloppy it gave us whiplash, and beast modes that somehow don't really look any better than they did in 1996. Also the most incredible IMDB synopsis ever put to screen, and a theory about Waspinator's place in the world.

Transformers Earthrise stumbles and falls face first into an utterly deranged conclusion. Here are a list of actual things that happen in the final two episodes of Earthrise; Sky Lynx becomes Optimus Prime's spiritual guide, a JPEG of Unicron slurps Galvatron through reality, Cog turns into Solid Snake, The Decepticons invade the Ark and get beaten in less than a minute, Optimus asks Megatron to forgive him, Elita One (probably) dies along with every other Autobot on Cybertron, the Quintessons do absolutely nothing, Earth shows up very briefly, and Dinobot is in the stinger of the episode.

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Here are a list of things Transformers War For Cybertron Trilogy Earthrise Contains So Far: Terrible pacing, half baked rehashes of stuff from IDW, the worst Optimus Prime of all time, an utterly baffling usage of an iconic character which forms the core of the big toyline this show is meant to sell and made Mara extremely Mad, The Suck Off Machine, Quintessons But Not Really.

Here are a list of things Transformers War For Cybertron Trilogy Earthrise Does Not Contain So Far: EARTH

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One of the hosts may have transed her gender between when we went on hiatus and now, but one fact remains the same; the War For Cybertron Trilogy is pure, uncut, premium grade suckage. Jetfire somehow seems to get worse with every word that comes out of his idiot mouth, Megatron is completely losing it, Optimus continues to be the worst leader of all time, and the show manages to completely waste Doubledealer AND the Quintessons in one fell swoop. Will Earth even be in this damn show to rise?? We don't know, but we DO know that we...

THIS SHOW SUCKS!!! What is there to say other than that? Well. I guess we can apologize for the title. Sorry.

See you all in a month!!

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Well...I guess these episodes were objectively better than the first two in terms of being a TV show, but they made us WAY madder. Even the surprise appearance of Ratchet and Impactor old man yaoi couldn't stop us from gnashing our teeth over this show's muddy plotting, flat and boring characterization, Jetfire's absolutely atrocious face turn, and Optimus Prime's...well, everything really. This guy SUCKS!!!!!

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You know what? It's 2025. Time we grew the fuck up! It's time to toss away our childish things, such as good lighting and fun character writing, and watch a show about REAL giant robot war. Thankfully Netflix has just the thing. This ain't your grandpappy's Transformers, kiddos! This is a big important WAR STORY that has discussion of TREATIES and WAR CRIMES in it! Will we tell you what the treaty entails, or what the war crimes are? NO!! Everyone sounds cool and badass and has absolutely no personality beyond "grizzled", just like REAL WAR! Optimus Prime is a...

We've finally made it out of the nightmare that was Transformers Energon. Due to various unplanned (and planned) breaks, this season felt like it went on for years. Was it worth it, in the end? Did we learn anything valuable about ourselves, or the franchise we love? Not really. I guess we learned that Kicker is actually an alright character. So join your hosts as they look back on half a year of absolute slop, and look forward to beginning 2025 with a different sort of slop. Don't cry because it's over, smile because THE JERKERRRRRR happened, okay?

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IT'S OVER!!! IT'S AAAAALLL OVER! Sometimes it felt like this show would never end, but thankfully all things reach an end. Surprisingly, the last two episodes are better than the show has been in like 20 episodes, which isn't saying much but at least it isn't soul crushing. That doesn't mean we aren't subjected to the usual Energon slop; people becoming huge, deeply confusing monologues, fights with no stakes, and Unicron Orbs. So join us for the last time as we sit down to get fed our weekly helping of gruel.

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Folks, the world is always getting worse in new and terrifying ways. It seems every day wee open our eyes to some new kind of fresh hell. But there is one comforting, reliable constant that we can trust to ground us in these trying times; this show blows fucking chunks. As Energon slowly drags itself towards the finish line by making everyone Huge and Ugly, killing off characters at random, developing bizarre new running gags 4 episodes before the end, and just generally being a complete and total waste of time. The good news is that it's almost over. The...

With only eight episodes to go, Transformers Energon manages to slide three of the most annoying characters in franchise history right under the radar. Thankfully they die VERY quickly, but that didn't make their presence any less irritating. Transformers Energon isn't so much racing to a conclusion as it is meandering towards a stoppage. This week we ride the Omega Train, observe sitcom shenanigans from the Decepticons, wonder why these stupid combiners are even here when none of them have done anything, and marvel at Galvatron's quipping skills. Only two weeks left, but somehow the worst is yet to...

After two glorious weeks away, your hosts are back to subject themselves to the inane nonsense of Transformers Energon, and this week it REALLY starts getting to them. Character arcs are being flattened in record time, episodes feel like a meandering fever dream, and something deeply concerning is going on with the Jones family. Even the utterly bizarre tournament episode jammed into the series can't drag the mood out of the gutter. The good news is there are only eight episodes of Energon remaining. The bad news is that there are somehow EIGHT EPISODES of Energon remaining. Help.

Unicron explodes and there are still 14 episodes after that. Transformers Energon truly is the show that never ends, and this week it proves that it still has some terrible, nasty surprises for us. Ugly recolors, FOUR NEW CHARACTERS introduced with only a dozen episodes to go, Optimus Prime taking L after L, strange and garbled dialogue in both versions, Decepticon fart gas, and a Temu version of the final battle from Gurren Lagaan. Anyway, here's like a minute and a half of Optimus groaning and screaming, enjoy!

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For once we have a trio of episodes that are packed full of Things Happening, a rarity for Transformers Energon. Alpha Q fucking dies, Megatron gets head, Optimus sets himself on fire for no reason, Omega Supreme becomes Optimus' skinsuit, Shockblast becomes large, Shockblast dies badly, Optimus punches Ironhide in the face, everybody gets new colors, and Optimus becomes REALLY huge. Of course, just because things happened doesn't mean they weren't boring and stupid, but you can't win em all.

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Regardless of what version of the show one is watching, some pretty dramatic stuff happened last time. Which is why its incredible bizarre that the first of our two episodes today is mostly about a goofy race on a highway planet? We spend most of our time on that episode because frankly the other one we watched was duller than dirt. At least the race one has weird gags, car crashes, and Optimus acting like a complete fucking freak.

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While Audrey is off enjoying a birthday break from the drudgery of Transformers Energon, Nero is here to tell you about the lost episode of the show, and by 'lost' we mean 'they literally didn't dub this one for no discernible reason'. And that's pretty bad, because its a big episode for Scorponok, Ironhide, and Alpha Q, and its absence opens a minefield of plot holes that the dub never really bothers to fix.

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This week we wrap up yet another underwhelming and undercooked character arc, this time about Inferno's struggles with Decepticonification. The cast continues to balloon beyond their capacity to make any of the characters interesting or distinct, and that's when the dub can actually keep their names straight, but we sure to have a kooky old coot with hips that don't quit. The only morsel we have to hold on to during these dark times is the Scorponok and Alpha Q old man yaoi. Also, Audrey unleashes a powerful psychic attack on Nero by bringing up the ancient texts.

This week a rift in space opened up and gave us a glimpse of another world; one where Transformers Energon had good, normal animation instead of the stiff and stunted style we have grown tragically used to. Why is it that the only time they break out the traditional animation is when a character is in extreme agony? Is it because that's how we feel given a glimpse of a better world? Why are we still getting flashbacks to fucking Padlock so long after his death? Why was there a fucking clip show that summarized the events of the...

After a few weeks of nothing happening, a few things actually happened in these episodes! Unicron gets his new gamer colors to sell his new toy to the kiddies, Shockblast develops Sudden Betrayal Syndrome, Optimus does some bits from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and Unicron tears open a very large, very suggestive looking rip in space. Isn't it crazy that we aren't even halfway through this shit??

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(Wing Dagger picks up Padlock's head): Alas, poor Padlock! I knew him, Hot Shot: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath borne me on his alt mode a thousand times and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! My gorge rises at it. Here hangs that faceplate I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? Your gambols? Your songs? Your flashes of merriment that were wont to set the cell block on a roar? Not one now, to mark your own dying badly? Quite chap-fallen. Now get thee to...

You know, perhaps your esteemed hosts were a bit too hard on Kicker; his father is a scientist with seemingly no moral limits who gleefully endangered his child to get some shiny rocks, his surrogate robot father is a cold and callous commander willing to let one of his soldiers fly into the heart of enemy territory with no backup, his partner is kind of a credulous dumbass who always manages to get himself into situations, and his girlfriend is mean to him. I'd be kinda testy too if I was him. Oh also these episodes have a lot...

We aren't even halfway through this show and the wheels have already fallen off. Characters are getting shoved into new bodies left and right, we've completely left any meaningful setting behind in favor of space adventures, and the dub has gotten so bad its barely coherent and only vaguely follows the visuals that happen on screen. But theres good news! We still have over 30 episodes left! Wait that's not good news at all...

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After an extended break, we're back to wallow in the misery of Transformers Energon. Though these episodes have a little bit more going on than the others we've covered, make no mistake; it WILL get worse. We discuss Misha's dubious archeological knowledge, continue to add to Dr. Jones' rap sheet, celebrate that Alpha Q finally has a face that doesn't have the most annoying voice in the world, and lose our minds just a little bit more.

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We, the Podcasting Court, enter the following charges against Doctor Brian Jones into the record; wildly reckless child endangerment (two counts), cringe fatherly behavior (15 counts), sexual harassment of a Government official (1 count), uncreative naming convention for Cybertron Cities (5 counts), absolutely dogshit haircut (ongoing(. We also have reason to believe that he is somehow responsible for the english dub leaving out the main source of conflict in the first episode we covered this week, but we cannot properly prove it. As a result, we are sentencing Doctor Brian Jones to 5 months in Megatron's Torture Nexus.

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Heyyyy, Megatron is back! And he doesn't look terrible! Does that mean these episodes of Energon were good, or even tolerable? No! Hot Shot nearly gets killed and takes a bath, we learn some racist Omnicon lore, Alpha Q drags Starscream's ghost out to sell more toys and kill Optimus Prime, Kicker continues to kick people, and we investigate the Transformers Energon AO3 tag. Now then, heres your complimentary Megatron Sword for listening to this episode. We've got loads of these things so we're just giving them away.

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Energon marches on!! Hey, you remember Megatron's Iconic Sword right? He was using that thing aaaall the tiiiime in Armada! God, so many memories. The dub was mostly normal this week but something really bad happened to episode 3 and they removed all the drama and character from it. Demolishor remains the only brave soul attempting to have a character arc amidst a sea of static. Kicker fell in a hole. We don't really understand how there's so much of this show but we're going ahead anyways, regardless of the consequences!

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The next few months of this podcast are going to be challenging for your hosts, as they plunge headfirst in what is widely regarded as the worst Transformers TV show that wasn't on machinima.com. A dreadful dub, deeply annoying characters, hideous animation, and nonsense plotting are conspiring to drive us mad. Will they succeed? Well considering this is only the first episode of Transformers Energon and we're already losing our minds by the end of this podcast, things don't bode well. #NotMyIronhide #TheJerkerrrr

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Earthspark has done a lot to impress both of your hosts, listeners. A cast made up of almost entirely new characters with a heavy human focus somehow ended up capturing our hearts. This episode is mostly us gushing about how good the show is, talking about The Undisputed Best Character (Twitch), the great character design, and of course answering some viewer questions. But something lurks on the horizon, something tedious and ugly, to steal away our happy fuzzy feelings. It's Nero's turn to pick, and they have chosen violence.

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Well, it's here. The grand finale of Earthspark, a show that manages to continually impress and surprise us to the end. This two parter has everything you want out of a big finale; excellent action sequences, fantastic character moments, surprisingly gruesome deaths, surprisingly gruesomer designs, and lighting our darkest hour. Now its time for the long, tortuous wait for season 2.

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As we approach the end of Earthspark lots of things are happening. Secrets are revealed, stakes are raised, and family bonds are tested, and new threats with absolutely awful names emerge. Ghoid. What is a Ghoid? Why are they called Ghoids? Are you into Ghoiding? Would you like to see my Ghoidcave? Wasn't it cool when the Ghoids Ghoided all over that guy? You up for getting Ghoided bro? Ghoid Ghoid Ghoid Ghoid Ghoid Ghoid Ghoid.

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Before you ask, no we DON'T know exactly what happened at the end of 'Prime Time'. We aren't entirely sure how much of that was real and how much of that wasn't, but one thing is for sure; Mandroid got his ass beat by a nine year old girl. Also we get to learn what its like when Starscream is nice, see how many seekers we can wrap up in gooey tentacles, be once again impressed by Hashtag's largeness, and question "Hey, what exactly is going on with Quintus Prime?? Is he evil?"

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