The Sex, Porn & Love Addiction Podcast
Gary McFarlane helps you understand Sex, Porn & Love Addiction. This podcast dives into the neuroscience behind these issues, guiding you on the path to recovery. For more resources, visit: www.kairos-centre.com. Helping you better understand the neuroscience of the brain and sharing what we now better understand about the brain's involvement, from childhood development. To help you effect change; find the real authentic you (whose truth self went off at a tangent in childhood); so that as you discover and become re-acquainted with the real you, having learnt to like yourself, you are equipped to be the best that y...
Sex Addict - fight right battles or plead 'Conscientious Objector'
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What is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.
Make the real thing the real thing; prioritise the right thing. Fight the right battles. Don't fight some battles, but lose the war. It will drain you and then you want to self-soothe and dissipate your energy.
Your brain may sideswipe you to focus on non-essentials. What is the real issue. Take your eyes off others and do your own battles...
Sex Addict - Asian "Shame" is different to European "Shame"
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What is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.
Sex Addiction is handled very differently between the cultures. Shame plays out differently between cultures. 'Shame' in Asian culture, is very different to 'Shame' in Western European culture.
An interesting article by Sam Louie, discusses Asian 'Shame' and 'Honour' as a cultural conundrum:
"...Honoring his Korean heritage while also trying to honor his sense of...
Sex addicts have low self esteem & self worth
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What is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.
“Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest or them all”?
How do you answer that question for you? Learn to love self, before you can love others.
I use that thing called EMDR to work on the distorted image of self. What is this thing called EMDR? It is Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing. What a mouth full!
...
Sex addiction beckons for some men who can't fit the version of 'Man-liness'
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What is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.
There is a difference between men and women and how they raise boy children - isn't there!
Am I allowed to even pose that question? What does emasculation of men mean? A browser search result says about Emasculation: 'It refers to the perceived loss of traditional masculine attributes, such as strength and power, often resulting from societal changes or dynamics in...
Sex Addict - has society straight jacketed you - so you turn to self-soothing
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What is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.
What’s a “Russian Doll” (or is it called a Babushka) got to do with Sex, Porn, Love Addiction?
I thought you would never ask!
“I haven’t bought into that nonsense “Big boys don’t cry”, when I was growing up”. At least, I don’t think so”!
That guy called John Bowlby in the 1940’s dared to put together so...
Sex Addict - stand up the real authentic you!
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What is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.
Russian dolls very well illustrates the brain's attempts to protect and guard us from repeat pain from situations experienced in the childhood development years. The real us, may have got stunted, where the brain built layers and layers around the inner child from the time of early developmental traumas and uncomfortable issues.
By adulthood, maybe you no longer know who is...
Sex Addicts - Big up the women
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What is 'Manly'? A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.
We need you ladies. Don't give up on us yet!
So much more practical in finding solutions. Teach us please ladies. We need you.
I am convinced that women have been endowed with an extra perceptive sense which us men do not have. You see danger in innocuous situations that us men just glaze our eyes over, until..... 'Too l...
Sex Addicts - What does it mean to be a man?: Conversations (2)
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What is 'Manly'?: A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.
Impediments to having great relationships:
Disruption in the bonding in early childhood development with the significant caregivers (usually parents), is a key factor. The male (a father) plays a very important role. Masculinity cannot be entirely and comprehensively supplemented by a mother. It is not “do as I say”, it is “do as you see me doing”. The eyes take in the larg...
Sex Addicts - What does it mean to be a man?: Conversations (1)
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What is 'Manly'?: A conversation with Damian Andrews of SHAIR.Care Podcast (Australia) in 2023.
What is Man-ness? There is still a caveman instinct inside of us as men. Has the image got distorted as men try to metamorphize ourselves to fit what society tells us a man should be. Trying to fit what we are really not, is hard work. At some point there may be an increased desire to self-soothe and escape into cyberworld for a...
Sex Addiction does not make me a Narcissist!
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"Narcissism because of Sex Addiction - Yuk! That's not me".
Many clients initially (but silently and violently) object to any suggestion that there is Narcissism at work. I am never suggesting they have NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder), but that they WILL have traits from Narcissism.
Here is one definition of Narcissism which I use:
"Narcissism is the way we conceptualise how we will look after ourselves. In its pathological form, it refers to p...
Sex Addiction before you even gave permission!
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Developmental history from childhood
The phase of childhood from birth to age 6 is a critical time of sensitivity, during which time, templates are created which shape future interpersonal interactions. During this sensitive period of development, a child acquires a variety of new abilities and skills that are a necessary part of child development. There are five sensitive period categories, which include language, order, sensory skills, motor skills...
Childhood stuff of Sex Addiction
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Sex Addiction is different to Porn Addiction. Sex & Porn Addiction are different to Love Addiction. They all get set up in 3 ways:
1. Opportunity: Material accessed too early in childhood development
2. Trauma: Just as it says on the label of the can! But make trauma age-related and its impact on the immature developing brain, not what is going on in wars between Russia & Ukraine, Israel & Hamas
3. Insecure Attachment...
Children and Sex Addiction - Surely not! (Part 3)
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The report found that 58% of respondents had seen violent pornography, including strangulation and rape scenes, before age 18, with girls more likely than boys to witness such content. Children are exposed to increasingly extreme online pornography, with concerns that new restrictions may be easily circumvented through VPNs. Worry was expressed, that even with new rules, users could bypass restrictions, as VPN usage in the UK had already increased significantly.
70% of respondents had seen it, with an average age...
Children and Sex Addiction - Surely not! (Part 2)
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"It was aged....and I came across my [parents] stash of porn. I kept going back to view when they were out and took a few to my my room. They never knew".
That is the very typical answer that I have been given by a large percentage of my adult clients when taking them through my History Taking Questionnaire. I ask them 188 questions over three 50 minutes sessions and their answers help me and them to build...
Children and Sex Addiction - Surely not! (Part 1)
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Newspaper headline: "Joe is 10 years old and he is on The Sex offenders register and he has not yet kissed a girl".
How can that be? Is that really true? Surely not! Ok my goodness!
Even though that is not in the content of her Report, here is what the Children's Commissioner - Dame Rachel de Souza - says in the foreword of her Report, dated 19 August 2025:
"Shockingly, as this report...
Sex Addict and effective Communication - do you know these truths?
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Put these tools into your armoury of resources to help you communicate more effectively:
John Grays 'Men are from mars and women are from Venus' is still worth a read. Also (although a somewhat provocative title) 'Men don't listen and women can't read maps' - is worth reading.
Both books remind us that there is a difference between how masculinity and femininity communicate. There is a big difference between 'Hearing' and 'Listening'.
There...
Sex Addict - The Body tells the truth, more than the trained Brain
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Sex addict, your body demeanour is going to give you away. Know the facts about the body and how you main have trained it to 'tell on you'!
When we first meet someone we form a very strong impression of them within the first 40 seconds. We form a lasting opinion of them within the first 4 minutes. Our opinion will influence the way in which we respond and behave towards that person until something happens to cause us...
Compromised brain communication filtering in Sex Addicts
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When we are communicating, the information is passing through the filters of the different structures of the brain. Sex Addiction does damage the brain and so, damages the filters.
We all have filters. The message being transmitted is going through the receiver, but the receiver has filters and that means the message can come out the other end looking very different to what went in and was received. A damaged or compromised brain may incorrectly filter the...
Not about the nail in my head - men in the dog house!
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"A friend asks, "Tell me one word which is significant in any kinds of relationship." Another friend says, "LISTEN!" — Santosh Kalwar
As we continue to Repair broken communication in the couple because of Sex/Porn/Love Addiction trauma damage - recognise there is a big difference between Listening and Hearing.
Sometimes we need to think outside of the box. Often we need a little help to see how we restrict our own thinking!
The 9...
Sex Addict - 'Communication' is like a tandem bicycle wheel
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Remember our foundational question: 'Do you enter a conversation to be understood or to understand?'
Communication is like a bicycle wheel. Picture the two of you riding along the road to your destination, but not getting very far because both wheels on your tandem bicycle are buckled. You will get to your destination, but not very fast and it is taking more effort to cover the distance.
Now let’s rem...
Effective Communication with you is broken - Sex Addict
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"Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable." — David Augsburger
Listening effectively is a very valuable gift to someone. It is costly. It values the other person. It is learned and must be practiced. There is a difference between hearing and listening. Listening means that the information stops in the brain and is processed and digested. When information is not digested, then you will find you did not rea...
Help me see what I cannot yet see
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We are continuing to look at Couples Counselling to 'Repair' the Sex, Porn, Love Addiction relationship damage. Let's focus on 'Communication'.
"The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them." — Ralph Nichols.
Communication is way more than words that come out of mouths. Do you enter conversations to be understood or is it to understand...
All change - the rug is being pulled again
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Human beings have a life cycle. Let’s take a look. (The last two stages are not governed by age).
Infant (Birth to 2 years): Changes in schedules, bedtime, routines new people around - can cause anxiety during this phase.
Child (3 to 9 years): Social skills are developing, particularly from interaction with other children. Separation anxiety is visible as children begin school attendance.
Adolescent (10 to 19 years): Peer pressure, romantic relationships and independent id...
Couples See-saw of life
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Split agendas and contrary motives - that are hidden from each other. Is that you?
Jake & Jasmine on the seesaw of life, illustrates it. There are appearances, but below the surface of the relationship may be there is entrenched Emotional Disengagement. Couples engage in a dance for years, re-acting and counter re-acting to each others actions and inactions. A dance. A dance which keeps being played out.
'If you...
Stubborn as a mule - you are - with your Sex Addiction
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Let's continue our look at 'Repairing the damaged couples relationship, post Sex Addiction'.
Does that image of the mules describe your relationship? of course not you, but your partner!
Each trying to get their needs met. Those Core Emotional Needs. Remember that Core Emotional Needs are not negotiable. They want to be met and Fight/Flight/ Freeze will play out where they have been depleted for some time. (This dynamic is all so unconscious and n...
Repairing the Couple after Sex Addiction damage (Continuation)
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Building new foundations for the couple: Take a look at the Different Relationship Images document attached to this Podcast. I try to bypass language as much as possible. Feelings do not always tell the truth. We can be very English. Very British!
Question: "How are you today". Answer: "I'm fine thank you".
Observation after the automatic response: "I notice you are on strong pain-killers and on crutches"!
Emotions are...
Relationship "Pinches" & "Crunches" that hurt (Part 2)
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Couples counselling is not necessarily about keeping a couple together at all. All about exploring options. Also to help you both gain insight and understanding about self and how you do life, as an individual.
Whether a Partnership or a marriage, these things are true: “Marriage is not the coming together of two people. It’s a clash of two cultures, two experiences, two memories, two habits, two morals, two values. And that is a formula for destr...
Relationship "Pinches" & "Crunches" that hurt
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Shaped by circumstances from birth
Picture the new born baby which starts life with innocence and a brain with few impressions. It starts to experience life and living and soon the brain has some impressions and templates being carved out. Good and not so good experiences and impressions. A distorted image develops.
The individual distorted image of a male coming with his own unique impressions and experiences of life and the individual distorted im...
A Sex Addict's view of relationship highs & lows
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Highs and lows of the Couples relationship is a given. What impacts you, may not impact a partner and vice versa. Childhood development personality and characteristic sharping experiences, play a significant part in that process.
Sex Addicts need to take their shoes off and step into the shoes of a partner in order to see the relationship from the partner's vantage point and perspective. All clients with Sex and/or Porn Addiction have traits which come from...
Sex Addict and partner choice - same for us all
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We fall in love with 'Differenceness' and 'Sameness'. Over the years, we can become dissatisfied with the unconscious differences of a partner, that is now in the conscious. So we set about trying to change them to be more like us, since those visible and conscious differences are no longer seemingly acceptable or wanted.
We consciously now only want the sameness bits. So the fight over the toilet seat (up or down), and the top off the t...
Sex Addict: "I chose you, then (nearly) destroyed us"
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Early relationships (often with our parents) has a very powerful impact on the blueprint of partner choice. They are unconsciously looked at as being able to repair those childhood wounds. We often seek a blueprint that “fits” ours.
When we meet a potential partner, we have an opportunity to re-Attach to a loved person, just like (or better than) the Attachment bonding we had with our parents when we were young. A 'someone' we feel safe with and...
Sex Addiction does serious damage to the couple
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At the beginning of the couples therapy session, I like to ask a first question - 'How did you guys meet?' Telling the story will reveal the greater truth about where the couple are at in the conflict. Has the loving got snuffed out or is there a glimmer of light that may still be turned up.
Is there a split agenda? Are there ulterior motives for one or both turning up for counselling? Has the c...
Sex/Porn/Love Addiction counselling is specialised Therapy
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Client, choose your Therapist carefully. It makes a big difference to outcomes.
In 2024 the British Association for Counsellors and Psychotherapy (BACP) released an Ethical framework for working with Addictions and also a set of 'Addictions competence framework' for counsellors working with or intending to work with Compulsions and Addictions. I guess it did so for a reason.
Compulsions and Addictions Therapy is a specialised area of work. There is a need to ensure Counsellors and...
Sex Addict - first learn Intimacy, Sensuality & Romance, before sex
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When there is conflict in the couples relationship, sex and intimacy becomes the first casualty which fly out the window. It is very difficult (sometimes feels impossible) to physically touch the person with whom you are in conflict.
Yet, touch is exactly what you need to do to begin to break down the walls set in place by conflict. Touch is then so very, very impossible to do.
The antidote is to learn to do...
EMDR for Sex Addicts with unresolved childhood issues
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Unresolved issues; unprocessed childhood issues, loose canons, unpotted snooker balls - are some of the terms that I use, for the process of work that I do multiple times every day with clients - using EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing).
Another analogy that I use (but please don't tell my EMDR colleagues that I described it to you like this)! It is as if you own an 8 bedroom mansion house; but for some reason, over lots of...
Sex Addiction: Repairing the damaged couple - The Change Process
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Have you heard the Joke about the bride who learned her script for what she had to remember on the wedding day - as: 1) Aisle 2) Altar 3) Hymn
What has shaped you to be doing life how you are doing life? So often, it is about those childhood development years and what got set up as templates, to create those hamster wheel patters of repeat behaviour; those habits - otherwise called Neural Pathway.
They where carved ou...
Repairing the damaged couple post Sex Addiction
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Over 90% of couples that The Kairos Centre counsel, are in conflict because Core Emotional Needs are not being met. Some of those Core Emotional Needs are such things as lack of Security, Respect, Comfort, Affection, Respect.
They are not negotiable human needs. They want to be met and we will fight/flight/freeze to get them met. We do an interesting exercise with Couples and Singles to identify their Core Emotional Needs.
Commit to a...
HOOK UP CULTURE: The Testosterone trap - facts
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Testosterone in males is at its height in their late teens to early 20's. Women's sex drive does not reach its peak until their late 20's to early 30's. Therefore, a mismatch is going on between the sexes.
Aged 15 to 25 years old males have a 4 times higher likelihood of death from various events. Their brains are not yet fully mature and therefore they make bad choices and poor decisions.
They are 4 times more likely (than...
HOOK UP CULTURE: The Science and more facts (2)
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Men's brains are configured very differently when it comes to a response to sex. There are 3 areas to know about - which are over twice the capacity of the female:
The Medial Pre-optic Area (MPOA): Is an area of the Hypothalamus that regulates various physiological and behavioural processes. The MPOA is packed with twice as many neurones and density. Since it has a larger capacity in males, this is why males tend to be more visually stimulated...
HOOK UP CULTURE: The Science and more facts
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Alcohol consumption raises women's testosterone levels. Same for men, but with excess, men's levels start to decrease. Not so for women.
Women are not use to the effects of such higher levels of testosterone and so a young woman can become a very different sexual being, because of the effects on her sex drive. That is enhanced if she is near her ovulatory window.
During their ovulatory window, women are more likely to dress more...
